I stepped out of the house, breathing in the hollow winter air starting to enter inside of my body.
“It really feels quite peaceful entering into the quiet world of New Jersey,” I said. It may not quite be home, but at the very least it was a place that I could enjoy the real fragrances of the wind. The chilly air blew crystals into my skin. The snow crunched underneath my feet.
I sunk my hands into the white snowflakes and threw it into my face. I thought about building a snow man, but it really would not be the same without Mother.
Thinking about mother caused a chill worse than the winter air around me. Ever since we had first moved back to the Garden state, Mother seemed to be spending a lot of time in her room. Rolling a snowball, I began to build a snowman.
First I took out several tufts of snow to make twin pistols come into his—or her—hands. I snickered as I out fitted the snowman with guns. However, I froze. Quickly I smashed the guns into little plates. Breathing hard, I started kneeling down on the ground. Thoughts raced through my mind. It became hard to breathe. It’s just a snowy day, I thought. It’s just another snowy day that I can enjoy. Come on, you love the snow, right? Why did I make the guns? Why on earth did I make the guns into his hands?
Questions with no answers. I raced back inside. John-Michael. No, no, he was long gone in the midst of the past. He didn’t belong.
“Honey,” I spun around to see my mother descending from the steps. “Honey is everything ok?”
“Yeah, Mom.”
“You look pale,” she said, kneeling down close to me and placing her hand on my face. I turned away. My mother didn’t feel like my mother. Her hurt hand backed away from me as soon as she realized I turned it down.
“Ok, so you don’t want me to close in on you like that. Ok, then I won’t do it,” she said. My words were lost inside my throat. Mom, I’m sorry, I wanted to desparately say to her; however, she was already making her way to the kitchen and cooking.
The aroma of cooked mushrooms filled the room. The house was too bleak for my mouth to water. A wall sat between my mother and I, preventing me from either of us from reaching the other side.
“I’m making your favorite,” she said.
“Stuffed mushrooms,” I said.
“I really do my best,” Mom said. “And I feel so terrible for not talking.” I walked up to Mom and gave her a hug.
“I know you do,” I told her.
“It’s just that after the move, nothing has ever been the same.”
“I understand.”
***
“Hey Mom?” She looked up from what she was doing. “Do you ever wonder if there is some kind of grandiose purpose in life.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Like are we just sort of here, or is there some kind of higher calling?”
“Honestly I don’t know. I don’t think humans will ever know. We just need to make the best out of what we have so far.” She focused on her food, almost like she didn’t want to continue on with this conversation. I sat quietly and focused on my food as well.
“Why do you ask?” my mother said. I could tell she was trying really hard not to look like an ignorant prick.
“It’s just that I’ve been feeling kind of empty these days.” Dinner continued on in silence—as if my own mother did not know how to respond to this.
***
My breath became heavy. Only a couple more days before I had to go to school. Sleep refused to fall upon me.
Turning on my lamp, I observed the camera on my desk. I rubbed my fingers over the markings. What could they be? What could this mean?
Alexis never quite explained it.
Turning on the camera, I started to record myself again.
“Hey guys,” I began, sighing. “This has been a rough ride for me. This may even be the very last video vlog I will ever make of myself. I may not have enough time with the school year starting and all.” I looked around the room. “It’s a new house. I miss the old one, but it is still a roof under our heads. I guess that’s what really counts.” The hurt and pain inside of me dissipitated for some time. “South Jersey just doesn’t feel the same. But I guess that is a lot of things in life. So many things just don’t feel the same. Everything is constantly changing. But at least I have you guys to keep me up during the hard times. So thanks all, and I hope to see you soon with my upcoming videos (if I am able to make any that it).” Turning off the camera, I went over to my computer. Typing in my channel, my hands sweated as I started to open up onto the page that showed my videos. Only 42 views. Well, thank you to the person that watched these videos, I thought to myself. There were also a total of 3 comments.
“Hey Lauren. I’m sorry about everything that has been going on in your life. It seems to me that you seem to be going on a real journey throughout your time in the states. Do you ever feel like your journey will end?” asked Biztits89. I thought about the question, beaming over the fact that somebody had been more than willing to leave behind a nice comment for me to encourage my will.
It was a question that had no answer in its nature.
***578Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxV9faethD
I took a deep breath as I got up for today. How was I going to use it? What was going to happen to me? I thought about these questions as I made my way to the bathroom and washed up. How was I going to use today? How was I going to use today?
Taking a shower, I forced my hands to complete the process of washing myself up. I forced myself to complete the menial tasks.
A knock sounded on the front door. I peeked my head out, curious of who was possibly knocking on the door.
Probably nothing more than a sales person, I thought. However, the bell sounded two-three times almost in a simultaneous rings.
I knew those rings. I rushed over to the door to find Kiki standing in front of me.
“Hey!” she cried before embracing me in a hug.
“Oh, Kiki! I thought I was never going to see you again!”
“Oh please! Now why would I ever abandon my best friend,” she said. I wanted her to come into the door. I wanted to have just like the old days, where the two of us would be running around in the house and playing hide-and-go seek.
“Kiki, come in,” I said. Kiki walked inside slowly.
“I brought more than just myself here,” she said. “Come on!” I raced towards the backyard with her. One thousand hands flailed in the air.
“SURPRISE!!!!” many voice said. My head nearly fell off.
“You did all this for me?” I asked Kiki. There was Grandma, Auntie Carol, Rebecca Suk, Jak Daxter, Crash Badicoot.
“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” I said one thousand times. At the center of the table, a layered cake sat at the center. I dunk a finger into the cake and sucked it into my mouth.
“It’s been so long since the last time I have ever tasted cake in my life,” I said in a relieved voice.
“Well, now is your chance to try it again. You have the honors.” Kiki showed me a knife in front of me. I grabbed it and started cutting the cake into several pieces.
“Yay!” everyone shouted as they got a piece of cake. Almost all of the cake was gone before I knew it. The rays of the sun shined down on my back as I consumed the cake from the plate. My lips washed across the frosting of the cake, covering me in the rich sugar. My eyes lit up with the newfound energy entering into my mind. I licked the spoon clean of the pastry and frosting on my spoon.
“I just thought that you needed a littlt bit of help getting out of your bed,” Kiki said. “I actually might be leaving for Korea some time soon.” I hugged her.
“I could not have asked for anything that was better from my best friend,” I said. My arms tightened around her back. For once I felt so happy.
***
“I’ll see you around Kiki,” I said.
“I’ll write to you when I am in Korea,” she replied. People were already starting to leave. “By the way, how is your mother doing?”
“She’s fine,” I said, knowing that she was upstairs in her room.
“Hey everyone! Let’s set up for musical chairs!” shouted one of the guests. I looked at Kiki, who just shrugged her shoulders at what was currently happening.
To the sound of Crash Twinsanity soundtrack, we danced around the chairs. Laughter and happiness sang in the backyard. Suddenly the music paused Everyone attempted to run to a seat.
***
I stepped into the dark room of my mother. Breathing. I can hear breathing. Good, Mom is alive…but there’s something not right. She wasn’t at the party. She had literally slept in. Tip-toing into the room, I lay the slice of cake next to her sleeping body. She stirred slightly. I worried she was dead.
Slipping the piece of cake next to the bed, I closed the doors.
Everyone had already cleared out all the chairs from the backyard. The party had ended just as soon as it had begun. It had almost felt like it was a dream.
***
Going out for a walk, I looked out to see the birds flying in the air. Their wings outspread as they flew into the air, forming a wave receding out. The trees stood still as they observed the birds from a distance.
The freedom that the birds must feel as they soar into the air, yet they only had one purpose: to eat and migrate later on.
I was a different person now. This place was no longer my home.
***
“What happened next, Grandma?” asked Casius, her nephew. “I want to learn how you managed to adapt.” Grandma only looked at her nephew with sad eyes.
“I almost decided to commit suicide, but there was the day when I remembered the trinket inside my hand.” Grandma pulled out the bell.
“The bell!”
“Indeed, I kept it in an attempt to heal the world from its problems,” Grandma said. “All it takes is a little bit of a ring, and hopefully someday the bell will heal the world.” She gave the bell to Casius. The boy played with the bell inside his hands, dancing it inside of his hand.
“Grandma?” the boy asked, but Grandma had already disappeared into the midst of the darkness.
She looked sadly at the bell inside her hand. Oh, how irresponsible of me… she thought to herself. Slowly everything in the room began to fade. She blew out the last candle. Taking a deep breath, she began ringing the bell inside her hand. This may be our last chance.
Healing started always at the beginning of a life, but for her, it was towards the end of her life that true healing began. It was always at the very end that things finally came together.
In a meditative silence, Grandma disappeared.
THE END
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