My mother’s eyes blazed into me. So much had happened to me throughout the course of the month. Now here we were—coming face-to-face.
I had told her everything—to how I had gradually formed a relationship with another boy named John to how I had gotten involved with the relationship with Rachel.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have sent you to the main school. I should have sent you to a private school.” My eyes were shocked. This time my mother’s grave face showed a look of seriousness.
“I guess that is one alternative,” I said as she brushed aside a swath of hair from my face. “We can’t just keep moving again and again and again.”
“Your safety is more important than a simple job offer,” my mother said. I embraced Mom before heading upstairs.
Washing up inside of the bathroom sink, I couldn’t quite suffice everything that I had just experienced with what had happened.
***
Loading the trunk, I sighed as I turned around and looked at the old house I had only lived in for such a short amount of time. My mother walked out of the house. From her expression, I could see the pain that was going on inside of her face. We’re never going to stop, I thought. Suddenly I saw the flap of the mail box stand up. I went to the mail and took out the mail. It was a letter from Alexis.
Dear Lauren,
I understand that it has been a tough couple of weeks. I thought I might leave this behind.
Taking out the envelope, I realized that it was a camera lens. Walking into my room, I turned on the camera. It started to warm up.
“Hey, everyone, I am going to leave…” I began, but then I stopped I set down the camera.
***
Walking out onto the streets, I felt the breeze pass through my hair. I gave the front door a knock. Alexis opened it.
We stood there facing one another.
We embraced.
Entering into her house, we stormed open the fridge. We laughed and played throughout the day. Outside we ran through sprinklers while the sun beat down on us.
It was the last day that I would ever spend with her, and being her friend was how I wanted to spend this final day.
***
“It’s going to take some time,” I said to Alexis.
“Yes, it is going to take some time,” she replied. She held my hand. “But some day we’re all going to repair ourselves. Someday everyone is going to figure out the loss that they’ve been going through.” I nodded but then looked away.
Together we watched the sunset, the very last sunset I would experience. I would not have experienced such a great day. Alexis and I simply watched the sun set as friends—nothing else.
***
“Well, it looks like it is time for me to go,” I said. Alexis did not even look at me. I could hear my mother’s voice calling out in the distance. Her shouting grew louder and louder each time.
“Where would you be moving?” asked Alexis.
“I think we’ll be going back to New Jersey,” I said. “I guess you could say that the place is almost like home to me.”
“See ya,” she said. “Maybe we can exchange numbers so that you and I can keep in touch?” Both of us took out our numbers and typed them into the contacts.
“Bye,” we both said.
I watched as Alexis disappeared whence she came. She faded like a shadow that had just been born. I watched as she walked away.
My mother pulled out the car, and out we went into the distance for New Jersey. Fairfax was always going to have a special place within my heart. My eyes gazed at the place as my mother started to drive away. My heart reached out for what it had left, but it was too late. Everything was going away, and I could not keep it together inside my hands.
***
I went through several sleep cycles.
“We’re here,” my mother whispered in my ear. I woke up.
“This is New Jersey?”
“Yes, I know it may not be quite the same as you remember it, but it’s still home.” I looked out the window. Stepping out, I wanted to feel that I truly was at home. As the breeze went into my hair, I could feel that this was all that I had in the greatest home that I had. Dark clouds floated above me.
“Mom, are you sure that we’re in New Jersey?” I asked. She nodded.
I stepped into the new house. Immediately I made myself up to the room that was meant to be mine. Looking out the window, all I could see were empty streets that ran across the town. No longer were they bustling with people. I could see that they were empty.
Even thought this was New Jersey, it was not the home I knew. It was not the home that I had once known throughout my life.
I placed my hand against the window panes, my soul abandoning my body.
It was a different world I was in.
“Is there something troubling you, dear?” my mother asked. However, I figured that she probably already should have known what was troubling me.
“I always thought this was home,” I said to myself, looking out at the mist in front of me.
***
A couple days passed. Certain days seemed to go by with the passing second. Rainy days went by like the storm clouds that brought them. Maybe I am suffering from SAD, I thought to myself.
Then a package came in the mail. None of my friends had contacted me as of right now.
Inside of the package was a note.
“Hey Lauren,
I just wanted to let you know that it was really great being your friend throughout the school year. I hope you are doing well within the environment of New Jersey. I too have been struggling to understand everything that is going on. All of us are struggling to take care of ourselves after the suicide.
It’s interesting how one life constitutes for a whole lot of lives—even if that life is one you never knew. Maybe that is something that I never realized back in the day.
Here is a little gift I thought you may like. Hopefully one day you can rebuild yourself.
Alexis.
Inside the envelope was another bell.I rung it a little. For a moment, I thought that I had a certain degree of happiness enter into me.
But what is happiness but a fleeting moment. What is happiness except the fleeting dream that all of us hope to find? I kept the bell inside my pocket.
“Honey, dinner is almost ready!” my mother said. I climbed back into the house and sat in the living room kitchen. I could smell the scent of burgers coming from the other neighboring houses.
“It would be very nice if we could have dinner with the other neighbors outside,” my mother said. Scooting my chair over, I stuck my hands against the window pane. Pain started entering inside of my body like my energy was leaving me from my body.
Taking a bun from the stack of bread at the table, I bit into it.
“It really does taste like typical New Jersey burgers,” I said to myself.
“Yeah, I really tried to make this the way that you always liked them,” my mother said. I kept biting into more burgers, tasting the delicious taste of the burgers—at least there was one thing that remained with them. At least one thing from home remained with me from what I once was.
Going up to my room, I felt like there was one thing that I needed to do. In the meantime, I turned on the video recorder and started making my first video.
“Weird how things seem to go in a cycle,” I said. “I’ve moved back here.” Uploading it to youtube, I figured that nobody probably watched it.
How little did I know of the audience I was accumulating.
ns 15.158.61.12da2
