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I'd like to tell you how I realized I made friends with the wrong people my whole life. It wasn't the usually trend with cigarettes and lights, instead it was the intention I had when I decided to befriend them to begin with. I hoped to find pieces of my family within them.
It hit me when I realized when I would try to mimic the way my brothers and I would laugh in each other's company were to be done else where it would suddenly become crude.
And when I looked towards you, hoping you'd hoist me up, I'd find your disappointed eyes meeting mine. You shunned me.
I needed you to tell me I'm human, that I'm made weak yet all you did was remind me of how cluelessly idiotic I am.
I'd ask you to say something and you'd reply you have nothing to say.
Why couldn't I hear the words I wanted to hear from the people that saw me bleed? Why do you only say them when I put the words in your mouths?
When I reach out, grasping for shore on this sinking ship, why do you push me farther to sea?
This grief momentarily switches to anger," Who are you to decide for me?" and the as quickly melts to doubt," Maybe I don't need to go to shore, maybe its all in my head."
I told myself I cant hate people. How silly of me to implement that when most of it is spent on me.
I'll let you pick at me about all the things you dislike. My weight, my shoulders, my hands, my voice; how loud it gets when I feel a rush of excitement, and dies out just as I see you all staring, a nuisance. My eyes, my ears, my pot belly, my arms and how they can't seem to lift the slightest weight when you need them to. How I get flustered when I can't finish those three tasks you gave me.
I'll lean my head against the car window and stay silent. Only speak when spoken too. Next time I'll try to keep quiet till we reach where ever you wanted to go.
Sometimes I cannot fathom why I decided to give up a cigarette five months ago, what I'd give to have one now.
And yet here I am telling myself, "I'm Thankful, I'm Thankful, I'm Thankful."
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