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Things were tired. Milly woke at dawn. The blue hum from under her bedroom curtains came through. She pulled them aside and saw a boy delivering papers. He had orange headphones. Milly had never worked before - she never had anything she really needed or wanted to buy, and her parents provided everything. Mom.
Milly went to her parent’s bedroom - it was dark and quiet. Milly used to climb into bed with them when she was younger. She felt safe in between - hearing the whinny of breath. Mama would get out first, and Milly would nuzzle up against Mom for warmth.
She opened the closet and took out a white cardigan. She brought it to her face and smelt it - some sort of cheap perfume from MegaMart. She took it.
Mama was already awake and eating her overnight oats and coffee in the semi-dark living room with the curtains open to allow the blue hum through. She looked like a statue in a graveyard. Milly flipped the light switch and Mama looked up. There was a glint on her glasses so that she couldn’t see her eyes. Milly didn’t know if she was meant to say anything. They had been through a lot the past day. Mom. They had hugged when Mama said Mom was going to make it, and Milly cried. It was a brain bleed. Mom may never be the same and she was very weak. But she was going to make it.
On the car ride home they had stopped by at a Hungry Bob’s and gotten hamburgers. Even Mama had her breaking point when it came to fast food. Milly would have normally downed the thing but instead nibbled on the bun whilst looking at a street lamp. The light twisted when she squinted as if she could control it. Mama tried to bring up tuition classes, trying to regain some normality, but she knew that this had hit them. Mom was unwell. Their entire ecosystem relied on the soft easy breezy comfort of Penny Clarke. Mom was the gardener that made their lives bloom.
Mama had noticed that Milly was wearing Mom’s cardigan, “It looks good on you… When Mom gets better we can all go shopping and buy you something like that.”
“Yeah,” Milly said quietly. She put some toast in and flicked the kettle.
“Why can’t I go see her now? Why are you going to work, and why do I have to go to school?” Milly tried again to persuade Mama.
“No. You can’t miss any more school,” Mama said, “and work is quite delicate right now.”
“I need to be with her,” Milly said almost with an undertone of her wanting to be with Mom rather than Mama.
“I know,” Mama said, “I will pick you up after school, and we will go see her.”
There was no use arguing. They were so tired that maybe if they continued, they may both keel over and die. Hollow. Deflated. The one who brought so much colour into her life was not here.
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Stevie blew up Milly’s phone with texts. Pat had evidently told her everything. Then she was being hugged by Stevie at the school gates - her soft fringe brushing up against her ear. She desperately needed it and when Stevie was about to let go, Milly hugged back tighter. Stevie wanted to know how Milly’s mom was doing and she held her hands too. Milly told her that her condition was stable. Stevie was something else. No one had ever been there, of course except for Mom and Mama.
“We’re playing Parkland High on Sunday - we’re gonna absolutely trash them and then we’re getting pizza afterwards. Be my cheerleader?”
“Cheerleader?” Milly smiled going red.
“One hundo. And the gang can’t wait to meet you,” Stevie smiled.
“Gang?” Milly said, losing a bit of air.
Stevie explained that she had been hyping up a certain Milly Clarke to a small few in her soccer team. She was dispelling rumours of the sardine girl, saying that Milly Clarke is going to be in the musical.
“I don’t even know if I am going to make it,” Milly said.
“You’re a shoo-in,” Stevie said, “Mr Zimmerman wanted to see you specifically.”
That was not exactly how it happened. In reality, Angela was the mastermind behind the meeting.
Stevie and Milly passed Viraj who was mid laugh in a conversation with Rosa and few others. He stopped as they made eye contact and then he looked away sheepishly, or perhaps with a smug anger.
“Forget him,” Stevie said.
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Mrs Carruthers, the buck-toothed red-headed guidance counsellor had Milly in her office. She offered her sympathies on behalf of the school about what happened with her mom, and hoped she had a speedy recovery. Milly had not been to see Mrs Carruthers in some time due to her good behaviour, but soon remembered her nosey digging into Milly’s feelings.
“I’m so sorry for what’s happened. You know you can always talk to me about how you are feeling,” she said.
It felt like a question. There was a pause afterwards where Mrs Carruthers hoped Milly would fill.
The sky was overcast. A crow landed in the grassy field and began to pick at the ground. It was probably searching for a worm. Milly wondered if worms tasted good to birds. She couldn’t imagine eating one. Then she reawakened to the guidance counsellor's presence.
“I’m okay,” she said.
Miss Carruthers let out a hint of a frown at Milly’s response, but quickly returned to an upbeat smile and voice.
“Homework. Search up the Fairy’s Spoon when you get the chance,” she said as Milly pushed the chair in and got up to leave. Fairy’s spoon?
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Zahra Khan had her hair up in a little ponytail, instead of her bob style, and the strands of loose hair were secured by silver butterfly clips. She wore a low cut t-shirt with a purple skull and crossbones. She came up behind Milly.
Milly was looking at a boy who was struggling to open the padlock to his locker. Click. Click. Click. How did he not know the combination? She was lost in a daze. The voices of kids around her were muted, and when Zahra spoke, there was a squirt of acid in her veins.
”Hey Milly,” she said.
Milly looked away from the padlock and saw Zahra. She didn’t know what to say. It seemed like everything that had happened between them was nothing compared to Mom. Zahra had asked Milly to get over the bullying. Tough. It happened. It happened for years.
“Hey,” Milly said.
“Can we talk? I just need to say something,” Zahra said.
“I don’t want to talk,” Milly said.
“I’m-“ Zahra began but Milly interrupted, and the colour drained from Zahra’s face.
”Stop. You and me are too different. I’m a loser, and I know that, but you made it your mission to let everyone else know that too. I don’t wanna talk,” Milly said walking away.
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”Milly Clarke is the best singer I know!” Zahra said loudly. Other kids in the corridor stopped to look at her and whispered. Then Zahra repeated it again even louder. Again and again like she was a broken record.
She looked so un-cool. Milly had never seen Zahra look so lame. Stupidly lame, like you wanted to slap her. Zahra was red in the face and closed her eyes hoping that it would be over soon.
Then there was warmth. Milly’s arms around Zahra. She opened her eyes slowly and was met with the cheap floral scent of Milly’s cardigan. It was really cheap.
The corridor burst into excitement and speculation - with many filming the hug. Milly and Zahra?!
Zahra noticed someone taking a video of them. She squirmed her way out of a hug feeling uncomfortable with the public display. Milly seemed to follow Zahra with her eyes with a glimmer of kindness. Zahra was still bright red, but she took a breath to compose herself and said, “don’t make me do that again…”
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