Someone in my close family circle once told me, "You're a horrible person."
I know they said it in a fit of anger, but it really hurt, and still does. I know sometimes I can seem reserve and I can't really respond well to certain emotions. I panic, I don't know how to react sometimes, so, I don't. I feel uncomfortable around people who are sad because I don't know how to help them or respond to them. Sometimes the wrong reaction comes out.
I'm not particularly good at making friends. Last year I was happily in my first high school with a few friends even though I hardly got to go to school because of how far my school was from where I lived. Most of the time I had to travel, which we couldn't afford to do every day. So, I was absent a lot, but I was ok with that. I enjoyed going to school and hanging out with my friends even though I was struggling with my schoolwork, I coped.
My parents got me transferred to a new school much closer to where we lived. It was so close I could walk there. But anyways, I didn't adjust well into the school. There's these same group of kids in my class who would talk to me, it was a short conversation for formality. I didn't make friends. A whole term and I didn't make a friend. I'm a huge talker, I love to talk and make jokes but ever since I got into that school, I haven't done a lot of that. Some days I'll go all day without even speaking, it feels awful. I always wondered why I can't even make a single friend. Deep down that little voice keeps telling me it's because I'm a horrible person and everyone can see it.
I only have friends because they tolerate me, but everyone knows it. I'm a horrible person, I don't want to think it's true but what if it is? What if I truly am a horrible person? A person that doesn't deserve anyone's friendship, even family. They all tolerate me because they must, especially my family. It hurts. How do I not know I'm not a horrible person? No one has ever told me otherwise. Still, I don't want to be a horrible person, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
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