What do I do? He couldn't look me in the eyes when I dared for a staring contest. I needed to express my anger without making any noise. Thought staring will do the trick. He sat on the granite surface of the lavatory. All I can think of was the image of the kid laughing inside. Giggling like a sadistic devil's child. He didn't say anything but only twiddled his thumbs together.
The train's restroom was small and didn't allow for two people to use at the same time. Time is ticking and I have to brave the ordeal soon. Just the thought of it is already making me puke. It never crossed my mind that I will ever deal with something like this. I mean, yeah I do it with myself. But cleaning other people's mess is one of the worst positions to be in. I never liked it but life kind of puts you in places you in no way intended to be in. So I made my own mess. This mess. And I have to remind myself every time that I did this and there's no turning back. It is still possible to bring him back, I thought.
No. You don't just take someone's child from school and bring him to a train without any significant direction.
But he's my brother! No, half-brother. We both have the same father, unfortunately. I mean if I wanted something in common with him, it wouldn't be that dumb fuck. I'm just like him am I? Making rash decisions. Feeling before thinking. Wasn't that how I was made? And how I am now? A fatherless fuck because some man couldn't keep his dick to his wife. Because that asshole chose his affair over us. Well here we are now. You'll never see your sons again. You take away my life, I'm going to take yours with me.
"Jeremy?"
Right. The problem at hand. How do I even start? Why do people even take a shit right? If I could redesign life, I would remove the need to fucking take a crap. What if our stomachs had the power to break down everything into tiny particles at an atomic level and just you know, turn everything into vapor or some shit. No mess, just air. I mean plants would still benefit from it right. While we're at it, I could have been born a prince of Wales or some middle earth elf.
"Jeremy!"
"Yeah yeah what?!"
"You're doing that thing again!"
"What thing?!"
"That look on your face, you stop moving and you look like you're taking a poo."
"Well isn't that exactly what it's in front of me right now?"
If I could describe how bad the situation is, let's just say from play doh to lava cake, it's chocolate syrup on slip-n-slide. No wait those are fun things. More like soggy chocolate chip pancake left in a Tupperware to gather a colony of molds. I've never seen one but it feels like the right scenario. Carefully, I tried to hold his tiny underwear at the very end, mindful of the muddy dam that may spill everywhere. Slowly... slowly... I took my steps slowly as I turn my body to the side while keeping my hold on the evidence far away from me. Every inch I make felt like torture as the first drops of sweat trail down the side of my right cheek. Seconds feel like minutes as I concentrated on not getting any blot of evidence anywhere on my clothes or skin. A few more, Jeremy, you can do it. It's only disposing of dirt. Think of whenever you walk Mrs. Jefferson's golden retriever out. No that dog is a monster. At least they were solids.
"Jeremy!!!"
In my surprise, I chucked the soiled underwear to the trash as it spewed out drops of it's contents in all directions.
"Don't do that!" I screamed back only to find the kid laughing right at my face.
This was your choice, Jeremy. I had to remind myself. There's no turning back now. We're on the train to the farthest it can take us. God knows where we would end up in. I've never been so far out of the town I grew up in anyway. But I have to do this. I have to.
"Earth to Jeremy! Are you just gonna leave me like this?"
Sometimes I feel like I'm with an adult stuck in a child's body. He looked ridiculous sitting on the sink.
"Alright. Alright. Let me just get something." I looked around and found a fresh set of paper towels in the bin. I took three and folded them for security. You never know the strength of some shit until they bleed into the canvas. It was just like any wiping. It never ends. You think a few tries and you're done but it just never seems to end. Like the Terminator series.
Good thing he had an extra set of clothes in his teeny weeny back pack. It's surprising how a thing that small can carry so many things. Which reminds me, I need to get him new clothes. The police are gonna be looking for a kid wearing a jean jumper with a white undershirt. Better take this earmuff beanie and trash it somewhere. Not here obviously, the bin is already filled with unmentionable evidence. Let's see what we got in here. A red shirt too small, about a quarter of my own torso, a baby towel folded neatly into a square, a tiny diaper underwear I didn't know existed and a lunchbox so small it's tuck deep in the pack acting as a base. And it struck me, his mother must love him so much to prepare all these in his bag everyday until he exclaimed, "You can have it Jeremy. I don't want it."
"Why so?"
"That's not mom's box"
"How do you know?"
"Mom leaves two chocolate chip cookies inside. This doesn't have them."
"So who made them?"
"We have a maid." He told me matter-of-fact-ly. It made me raise an eyebrow as I checked the box's contents. Four compartments. It has a square shaped sunny side up, bacon strips, corn and carrots, and a piece of bread. Whoever prepared this clearly doesn't know how to feed a child. This is something I would be proud to have though, if I was his age. My mom and I, we didn't have much. I didn't even have a lunch box.
"I'll save this for later. I'm running out of change for food. You'll have to eat this later when you're hungry, Caleb."
"I said I don't want it." He crossed his arms and gave me that emoji frown. His cheeks look plump with that look.
"When you're hungry later, you'll be singing a different tune."
"No!"
I've never been with a kid this stubborn. Or perhaps I don't remember being this way to my mom. All I remember that she kept saying was that I didn't give her any trouble. Oh if only she knew the things I got into when I was a kid. Maybe that was the start of my training as a liar. She wouldn't be happy of what I just did of course. But this is for her, I thought. This is for that bastard who left us.
When he's all set with his new red outfit, I carried him back down to walk on his own and i was reminded of how small he was. What have I done? Pick pocketing. Shoplifting. Those were my main damage. I didn't expect I'd jump to kidnapping in one day. It wasn't even premeditated. At least I didn't go to the extremes, like you know, killing. But this kid is gonna die in my care if I don't think of something. How many stops has it been since the train started its journey? I don't know. As long as they don't tell us it's the last stop, we're not unloading. As we walked back to our seats, I tried avoiding eye contact with anyone.
It hasn't been a full day that Caleb's missing. I don't think they can report about it yet, I thought as the radio in the cabin kept spewing news unrelated to my worries. However, a news report of a serial child killer has been in the news lately. The host kept blabbing that this has been the third lad reported missing. Shit. My heart raced. If we go down at the last station, there might be police already waiting for us there. So that's probably why the lady at the diner was suspicious of me. News. They're pretty useless to me then. Who cares about news when you've got a stomach to fill and a mother you have to buy meds for. But now I find myself listening intently for updates on Caleb's disappearance. The farther we are from where we came from, maybe the more unrelated the news becomes. Nah, this is a missing person. A child even. This is going to be a sensation considering this could be misconstrued as the fourth victim. Every police station in the country must have been already notified.
Screech. The train came to a turbulent stop all of a sudden. Something in my stomach quickly turned as I heard hurried footsteps. It must be the police already getting a tip of our whereabouts. I looked out the window and saw nothing but trees.
"Are you okay?" I went over to Caleb's side.
"Are we there yet?" He just said in an annoyed tone as the stop woke him up prematurely.
"Nah but we might need to take an alternative route through the window."
"Why?" His eyes widened not because of panic but more of a sense of adventure. This kid.
There were no latches to get the window open. Just a clear glass built in as part of the design. The train is still not moving for some reason I don't fucking know. Think, think, Jeremy, think. I can't just be waiting here. That's it and I carried Caleb to his protest. As we headed out of our cabin, we almost bumped into a man in red uniform.
"Sir, may we request for you to take your seat."
"We need to get out." I didn't have any other words.
"Sir, we are sorry for the trouble but there has been a technical problem with the train and it is now good to go. There's no need to panic. For your safety, may we request for you to take your seat."
A technical problem. Really.
"Put me down! I command you!" Caleb struggled as I held him tight to my chest.
"Alright. Alright." He started clawing on my face.
The man in the red uniform can only watch as I was harassed by a five year old boy. "My little brother panicked when you guys stopped the train without warning." I gave him a nervous smile as I put the boy back to his seat. "I didn't! You did!" This boy is too smart for his age.
"We apologize once again for the inconvenience. Excuse me." And he left without any questions. Phew.
It was almost another hour before the voice announced that we'll be arriving at the end of the line. Not a lot of passengers were left I presume because of the silence in the train. The scenery out the window drastically changed as well. It's almost sunset. I have to find a place to stay quick.
It wasn't like I expected. Not a single police officer in sight when we got down. Not a lot of people went down as well and everyone seemed to mind their own business. The station was smaller and looked older too. There isn't a quick access to other forms of transport as well. It was like we were dumped in a desert and this station the only oasis there is. Caleb was still groggy from the hours of train ride and doesn't seem to question the place we were in. We stood before what seems to be a town map plastered on a wall. You are here, it said. Damn right I'm here.
Yup, that's it. Suddenly, I was hit with this churning feeling in my stomach. No it's not like Caleb's. It's more like the wrench of uncertainty finally tightening my core. Switching directions like a washer. We're standing here. Now what? A question I should have thought of before taking any drastic measures. All I was thinking that time was: 1) Grab the kid. 2) Take him somewhere far.
I'm afraid it was just a simple 2-step procedure.
"Where's dad, Jeremy?"
"Dad's not here."
"But you said we're going to follow him on his business trip," his tone changed to that of disappointment. Where are we going? Shit. "You said we're going to see daddy!"
In my annoyance I screamed,
"How do you even know what a 'business trip' is?!"
"I want daddy!" He wasn't gonna let me be the only one to raise my voice. He repeated those three words in increasing octaves. Believe me, it justified my dislike of kids.
"I WANT DADDY!"
"Keep it down!" I hissed back as i motioned to cover his mouth but decided against it when I saw a guard from afar. Quickly I held his hand and walked in a different direction. Luckily it was the exit. Don't look back, don't look behind you. I kept telling myself as we went forward. I had to keep my grip on his hand tighter as he struggled to break free. This is looking more and more like an actual kidnapping, I thought. Oh, it really is anyway.
Out of the station was just a road resembling a desert. Not an actual desert but there's just too many open spaces and few trees. Way different from where we came from. It doesn't help that this place might be experiencing some drought. We walked until we reached enough distance from the station.
"You're hurting me!"
I finally let go of this noisy puppy's hand. He was getting over-dramatic. "Stop over reacting. I wasn't even close to a pinch."
"But your hand is sweaty!"
And it was. I only noticed until now. Must be the cop scare. Or the thrill of totally being lost somewhere you've never been before with a screaming kid in your care. A hostage.
"Jeremy, where is dad?" I was beginning to lose it. One more time. Then I remembered what mom used to tell me. Breathe. Whenever you're faced with something bigger than you, just breathe. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled. It has always worked whenever I had to steal canned goods from the local supermarket. I stoop down low and faced the source of the noise.
"It's a surprise, Caleb."
"For me? Then it won't be a surprise!"
"No silly. We're here to surprise dad. He's at work somewhere near this place. We can't see him right now cause duh we'll ruin the surprise."
"Oh so what are we doing to surprise him?" Good question. Man, this kid's brain is going to be the death of me. Well of course, us being here to see him is a big surprise enough. Enough for that bastard to throw me in jail.
"Are we gonna get him a cake?"
No. Yeah we can do that but this place looks devoid of human civilization. Think, Jeremy. A few cars have gone past us. But one pickup truck caught my attention. It had floaters. And kids waving at us through the window.
"Do you know how to swim, Caleb?"
"Dad teaches me on weekends."
That bastard. I didn't even learn how to swim from him. That caught me off guard.
"Well little Caleb, you may know how to swim... But do you know how to catch a fish?" I replied with a smirk.
His eyes grew wide after holding his frown for so long.
"You're gonna teach me how to fish?" He asked ecstatically.
"Damn right I am"
"That's cool but you can't say that in front of me! You have to give me candy!"
"Nah, you're gonna grow up and you're gonna be swearing like me anyway." I stood up and stared into the far end of the road behind us. No cars coming.
"Hey! That's the rule!" He hit me at the back of my knee as hard as he can. What the fuck? It was enough to weaken my right knee. Must be the hunger as well.
"Alright, alright!" I scrambled the contents of my own bag to find at least a lollipop. I know I always keep a shirt, an underwear, some coins, a folded roll of tissue from different restaurants and always a piece of candy in case I get hungry somewhere. And now is the right time to use it. After all it's been in this bag for weeks. Aha! Found it.
"Here!" It sure shut him up as I waited for a vehicle for us to hitch on. We continued walking far from the station and forward to the endless spine of road. He didn't have any complaints as he enjoyed that strawberry flavored swirly.
It's getting late i thought. If we don't find shelter soon, we're gonna be sleeping somewhere God knows where. We might die of the cold when the sun sets. Fuck. There aren't as many cars passing by as it did an hour earlier. Should we walk back to the station? Nah, there are guards there. Even if it seems abandoned, I really don't think we should resort to sleeping on benches. This kid would not approve. After all, he must have been raised with consistent air conditioning. I take one look at him and I find him slurping on that thin sheet of candy left on a stick. Where are cars when you need them? I swear to God things disappear when you need them the most.
Just as hear him take the last bite out of that candy, a small dot seems to appear on the horizon. Nearer and nearer, it became clear that it was a truck approaching us. The closer it got, the more a realized it wasn't something we should ride on. But it was the only one kind enough to pull the breaks.
"You kids shouldn't be out here at this time." It was a fish truck. Subsequently, it reeked of blood and scales.
Taking a step back, it took me a full minute before I could speak. "We... Uh, we just... We just need to get to the city." I fumbled. No we're not supposed to go to the city you idiot. But it seemed like the right words to say when faced with a potential serial killer.
"Well, the city is that way where I came from... You lads are lost are ya?" He had teeth like they never knew toothpaste.
"No we're not!" My voice cracked under pressure and fear of imminent death.
"Well then where are ya heading?"
What do I tell this man? The sun is sure to go down soon. If we don't take this now, who knows when the next ride would arrive. I look back at the road where it came from and saw no sign of a new transport coming. Before I could speak, I heard Caleb squeak. "We're going fishing!"
"At the lake!" I continued nervously.
"You mean the beach? There ain't no lakes here."
And my ego cowered like a poor dog. Of course, it's a fish truck, he's out to return to the coastline. The door opened before us and the old driver motioned us to hop in. "Lucky fellas that's where I'm headed! Come on."
"We're going fishing!" Caleb excitedly reached for the open door and tried his best to climb on his own. When he realized he can't even get his foot on the first step, he shot me back a look. "Are you gonna help me up or what?"
This bitch. I haven't even decided if we're taking this ride. The open door reminded me of the smell which says "no don't go in". Also, there were some tools on the footrest that caught my attention. It included a small shovel, a rusted wrench, and a whole roll of straw ropes. Death is certain from the looks of it.
"Caleb, get down from there!" I put my arms around his waist and hugged him away from the truck. "Thanks mister, but we've decided..."
"Let me go! I want to see the fishies!" His kicks are an inch away from hitting my groin.
"Look, the sun is about to set and I can't leave you two lads out on your own. Trust me there's more to be scared of on the road than an old man driving a fish truck," his smile bothered me but he makes a good point.
Decisions. Why did it always have to boil down to whether I have to choose between life or death? I'm being dramatic, okay. Of course my instincts kick in and it is survival this body wants. Weighing my options, it's either we stay on the road for the night making us more vulnerable to attacks, wild animals, the cold, mosquitoes or worse being found by the police. Or we can take this ride and get far away from the station as possible but not as far as the woods where he would bury our lifeless bodies. That sounds better than the former. I don't know why I thought of it that way. Maybe because I'm clinging on to this chance that this man might be a good guy. But I can only be too lucky at this point. Okay if we're riding this dirty shit should I be beside the driver or let Caleb take the first hit? He's my hostage, not my human shield. I mean, I really don't care what happens to this little bitch but what would that make me. Pft. Alright, alright, so I'm gonna let him sit near the driver, so that when shit hits the fan I can just open the door and drag Caleb with me. But what "if he points a shiv at the kid, holding my hostage... His hostage? That would absolve me of my crimes right? No come on let's be realistic here. I'm not gonna be part of the death of a child. Okay I'm already part of it when I kidnapped him obviously but that's just my crime. And death is creeping sooner as I held onto this decision making fiasco.
Thud! Caleb just hit my face with his struggling arm. Using my leg as a step up, he got himself in the truck. The decision has been made. Great, just great. Pushing all hesitation aside, I could only let out a huge sigh. "Let's go!"
A few seconds in, I anticipated the man to initiate the talking. But he isn't saying shit. We were moving. It felt like we're going slowly but I can see his speed hitting high numbers. Must be my nerves slowing time down or something. My foot hit the shovel as I tried to fix my seat.
"Sorry lads for all the stuff underneath. I-uh..."
"What are they for?" I cut at once.
"Oh they're for uh... Burying kids." There was an evident pause in the air. My body couldn't react properly. I looked to Caleb who didn't mind what he said. He was busy biting on that end of the stick. My gaze shot back to the old man and we locked eyes. All the saliva filling in my mouth, I gulped down audibly. He let out a loud guffaw, like he was so satisfied. "I'm just kidding ya lads."
All I could return was nervous laughter. For some reason, Caleb found the joke actually funny. This little bitch. It could be our last laugh in a few minutes. Quickly, I scanned everything that I can use as a weapon. The stuff underneath us seems too heavy to lift. I need something easy to get and fatal in just one blow. Small shovel, looks most predictable but I may be underestimating it's weight considering how it feels on my foot. A book on the dash but doesn't have a hard cover, looks used to death. Won't even knock him out. I look forward and I didn't notice that the sun has gone down behind us. Only the truck's beams gave light to the empty scenery upfront. The horizon is no longer in sight and the noise of the engine overpowering my senses. He was talking all this time yet I did not hear a single word from his anecdotes. We have to get out of here, I thought. Rocks on our way told me we are going off the road. When my heart started beating faster, a faint noise calmed it down.
A wave.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
