I was afraid of the future, and I suppose this is what got me to take the secret tablets I hid. Of course, my parents noticed that I was high and got mad at me, calling me an irresponsible brat. This made me both confused and mad because they never mind when I got injections or tablets at the studio. They looked the other way. Now that I was no longer a star, they were being parents. This would take some time to get used to. They did not understand that the studio made these tablets a part of my life. I did not consider myself an addict, but I knew that I needed the tablets.
My Dad understood that I was used to them. However, he wanted me to learn how to live without them. He suggested that I go to a special rehabilitation center that could help me. Mom would not allow this, as she still thought there was hope for me getting a contract somewhere. She thought no one would hire a drug addict. This was despite I shouted that I was not an addict. They believed the movie studio made me one. They would not take responsibility for the fact that they turned a blind eye to it!
Dad did not argue with mom. It was a waste of time. She could not accept that Hollywood no longer wanted me. It's a good thing Dad is diplomatic, as he said I should go to school. He did not think that it was wise enough for me to stay at home as if I had no future.
I was excited about this. I would meet girls my own age and maybe get some good friends. This would be new and exciting as I was never allowed friends because they were competition.
In a way, I wanted a new contract as being an actress was the only thing I knew. Hollywood made me feel secure. I knew the game that was played there. Now that I had no contract, I had no one telling me what to do or where to be. When I was a child actress, it was like Hollywood owned me and I was their slave to do as they wished. Now that I had no contract, I had to think for myself. There were so many choices. Only mom and dad had a say in what I should do. This was exciting, but it also caused anxiety.
One day, Mom and Dad were busy doing things, and I was thinking about my future. It was quiet being at home and there was nothing to do. I was not used to it. This day I had some anxiety because I was afraid of the future. So I took a few of Dad's cigarettes and went outside and hid under a tree. Mom or dad could not see me from the house and we had a big wall around the house. I do not know why, but smoking was relaxing. I sat there for hours and chain-smoked. It was one time where I did not worry about the future and feel that I was not wanted.
I had the feeling of not being wanted. All my life, I was wanted by the movie studio and fans. I know that they made millions from me, but I still felt wanted. When my films started flopping and the fact now that I had no contract, I felt like an antique. It's hard for a 13-year-old to feel unwanted. It was hard to think if my life was over.
The next morning I woke up and mom was shouting! She was pacing back and forth in the family room with a newspaper in her hand. I was groggy and still sleepy and ignored her anger. She has been screaming a lot in the last few weeks because every time she rang to a studio or director and asked if they could use me. She was always given a negative answer and no one actually wanted to speak with her.
Mom slapped the newspaper down on the table. It was a picture of me smoking under the tree. The headline was "Lourdes Aires on the wrong path". The journalist wrote that it is hard to see child stars grow up and do adult things. He wrote that there were rumors that I was out of control and that is why my contract was not renewed. According to him, I was rebelling as a teenager and partying with drugs and alcohol all day.
One could nearly see the steam from mom's ears. She asked me how I ever would get a contract when newspapers published stories like this? I shrugged my shoulders and said an actor gave me my first cigarette when I was 8, and mom was standing there and did not get mad. Mom had to think for a while and her only defense was that I had a contract at that time. Then she looked at me and asked why I had to grow up?
Dad tried to negotiate and reminded mom that I still had a body of a ten-year-old, as the injections made sure I did not start puberty yet. Then he told mom I had too much time. I could not wait for some movie studio to give me a chance. Dad made a decision that I would be starting at school.
Mom and Dad decided that I would be starting at a private school for girls run by some nuns. This would give me privacy and structure, something that I needed. I had to give mom and Dad a hug as this was the best news!
I would be starting at the school 10 days after I heard it. I was so excited and the days went by so slow! Going to private school would mean I would have privacy. The girls and teachers would know the real me, and not who the movie studio said I was. I would get friends my age and I would learn lots of things.
I would be a normal child!
Mom did not give up. She spent the 10 days by ringing every one again in Hollywood. This made her so frustrated as she said some secretaries told her that the movie studio or director did not have time to speak with her. It did not help when she read in the newspaper that the movie studio announced that my contract was not being renewed as I had some personal problems that needed to be worked out. The newspaper said that I needed help with my teenager problems, and I could not concentrate when I was filming. This hurt me. But it hurt mom more.
I started at a private school. It was a huge building that was old fashioned. When you came in the front door, it had wooden panel walls and shiny floors. A nun was there to welcome us. She did look like a penguin and its hard to believe that she was not an actress. She had to be a nun every day all her life!
I was shown to the room where I would sleep. I would be sharing a room with another girl my age. This was so exciting and to be honest, I could not wait until mom and dad left. I wanted to explore and meet my first friends, and have permission to have them as friends and not considered the competition.
So while Dad was silent, and mom was crying, I was smiling when they left.
I explored the school and found all the girls in the day room that had sofas and some games. The girls were all sitting there and talking or playing some games. Everyone went silent as I came in. I told them that my name was Lourdes. This older girl stood up and showed me a sofa where I could sit. Then she said that everyone knew who I was, and she hoped that I did not expect any special treatment. I tried explaining that I did not. This was hard to do, as she continued. She told me that she saw all my films and they were all crap. The other girls all agreed while warning me not to be some spoiled actress.
This was not the start that I expected. This meant that I just sat on the sofa and listened to the other girls. If I tried to speak, they would interrupt and I would just stop talking. The girls were talking about music and school and to be honest, I did not really know what to say. When they talked about boys, one of the older girls walked up and asked me why I was so small? Then she teased and said no boy would be interested in me, as I still had a little girl's body. I got up and walked out while they continued teasing.
I sat on my bed thinking about how I would survive in this school.
This girl came in and told me she was my roommate. Her name was Emma. She wanted to be my friend. She smiled and said she saw some of my films many times. Emma was an interesting girl and I told her she would be my first friend. This made her say that any girl would need friends here as some of the girls were mean. She told me to be careful of the girls that teased me, as they had their own group called "The Wretches"- I was told that they are bad and do bad things.
In the next few days, I tried hanging out with Emma. She never did anything wrong. She was much smarter than I was and the teachers liked her. The only problem was that she was also a huge fan, and thought I was the girl that the studio told people I was. She asked a lot of questions about my films. She was also nerdy, which made me feel stupid. I could see that she did not have any friends. I also felt bad, because this made me ask if my friendship with her making the other girls ignore me.
One day, I decided to find the wretches. It took me time to find them. They were behind a shed and smoking. One of the girls told me that if I told anyone that she would hurt me. Another girl joked and asked if I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. She did not expect me and take out some allowance money and give it to her.
For the next few hours, I sat there and smoked and drank some wine they had. They no longer thought that I was some snobby actress and started talking with me. I told them that the studio always gave me tablets, so I was used to things. This only made me cool in their eyes. I found out that they considered themselves rebels, as they did not like the way society was and did not think they fit in. In the end, they told me I could be a member of their club. This made me so happy!
It was time to go in. I was a bit tipsy from the wine and I knew I smelt like an ashtray. Despite the fact that I was told to go to my room and rest and get changed and do not let a teacher see me, I was not that lucky! The headmistress bumped into me and told me to meet her in her office.
I sat on the chair and she told me she knew that I was smoking and drinking. She wanted me to name who was there. This was nothing that I would do. I would never snitch on others.
"You are new here," she said, "So I can forgive you for this. However, you only get one chance. I know you come from Hollywood, where there is no such thing as sin. However, you are no longer there! You are with us! So you have two paths that you can take. You can be a member of the wretches, or you can choose to have values and be an asset to society. Only God knows your future, but I can see potential in you! You can act again, or get married and be a good housewife. The other road is to drink and smoke and who knows what else, like you chose today. You have a lot to think about!"
I went up to my room where Emma was waiting for me. She immediately asked me a lot of questions and wanted to know where I was. I gave her the short version and said that I did not want to talk about it. This made Emma give me a speech about being careful of the girls. Emma kept on going on about that it was bad for me and I would end up being expelled. She was beginning to sound more and more like mom, so in the end, I told her that I did not want to talk about it. I laid on the bed with a pillow over my head.
So the question is why I went back to be with "the wretches." I suppose it was because I could not think properly. I would not admit that I was an addict, but my body and mind needed something to survive. One of the girls would come and ask if I had money so they could buy drugs, drink, and cigarettes. Then when I was with them and consumed these things, my body was more at rest. If Emma or someone told me I need help because I was an addict, I would laugh. The only thing I needed was the tablets.
The other reason I met with these girls is that I was not used to making decisions. For all my life, I was told what I should do and how I should do it. Now for the first time, I had to make decisions myself. Looking back at it, I just made the wrong ones!
So I met with the girls and we joked around as we tried the drugs or drank alcohol. I was at peace with this and my body was not begging me to get something so it didn't feel in pain and agony. I was happy with the girls, and they were interesting when they complained about everything. I could not see why people told me they were a bad influence. To me, they were just having fun.
The headmistress called me in the office one day. Mom was there and she was not happy. She put a newspaper on the table,
" There is a picture of you smoking and drinking alcohol with other girls" Mom started, "This is not the way we raised you! You are too young to consume alcohol and smoke. Look at what the newspaper wrote. They wrote you are a washed-up actress and like so many other child stars, you are an addict. No wonder why no one will answer my calls and no one in Hollywood wants you. You still have so much potential in Hollywood. I want you to get yourself together, and be the daughter that I can be proud of."
I tried telling her she is a hypocrite as she knew that Hollywood had no problems in giving me tablets. Mom would not listen. She just had a comeback plan in her head, and that did not include me having any bad press.
The headmistress concluded by saying this was my last warning. If I did this again, I would be expelled.
Mom left me and I wandered around the hallways. I knew I had to be like mom wanted as she knew how I would get a contract again. I did not want to think really what I wanted. I just knew that I had to do what mom said.
Emma was standing before a bulletin board. She looked very happy. She showed me a notice about a school play. It was "Annie". That was a play about an orphan girl. Emma the press would report that I could still act and I could be offered a new contract.
This seemed like the perfect plan!
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