So my plan was to get the lead part in the school play and show everyone that I was not washed up. I wanted to show everyone that I was a good actress and could be a success. I wanted everyone to know that I was not a junkie or a has-been. This play was the perfect way to save my reputation.
I spoke with the nun that was the director of the play.
" I am willing to be the lead role in the school play" I announced.
" Young lady, while I do appreciate you are willing to offer us your services, I must inform you will have to audition for the role." the nun responded with a smile.
" You do know I was the top-grossing child star in history? I never auditioned since I was 6!"
" Well my little lady, Everyone gets the same chance here. If you want the part, you will audition!
I suppose that I could understand that she wanted to give everyone the chance. It seemed like a waste of time. After all, they did not have the experience and talent that I had, The fact was that I starred in some of the top-grossing films in history and this was just a school play.
So I was confident when I showed up at the audition. I was smiling with confidence. I didn't smoke or take drugs or even drink for days. My body didn't like that. I had aches and pains all over. Sometimes I would break out in a sweat and start shaking. This happened as I went to the audition stage. It was like going to a sauna. Despite that my body did not want to do it, I did a scene from Annie. My body was a wreck but I think it went very well. I had no doubt when I went off of the stage, that I had the part.
Over the next few days, I was in a great mood, despite my body that was in agony. I was proud of my audition and I knew this would make mom happy. Maybe some big shot in Hollywood would hear how good I was and maybe offer me a contract!
The wretch girls even asked if I would drink some wine and use some drugs. I politely said no. I remembered this was my last chance and the alternative was being expelled. I also did not want to lose my chances with the "Annie" play. I knew my body was begging for tablets and whatnot, but I also had to be strong if I wanted to achieve things.
After a week, the nun hung the cast list up. I rushed to see it and was so confused when my name was not on it. It was not even beside the smallest parts.
I rushed to the nun and asked her if she forgot my name. Her answer shocked me. She said she did not think I had enough talent for the show, and maybe I should try being in the background and help build the scenes or something like that.
I could not believe that she said I had no talent! Hollywood thought I did not have enough talent to get a contract and now some nun was saying I was not even good enough for a small school play. It did not help that the next day, it was in the newspaper that I did not even get a role in a school play. The headline was, "Former Child star has no talent!". This was so embarrassing and I cried over it, I was mad about it and once again I was afraid of what I was good at.
One of the Wretch girls told me they were escaping out of school grounds, and going downtown. I told them that I wanted to go.
So we went down to a small town and went into a local pub. The owner was a tired old man and did not even ask how old we were. We sat in the corner and drank one cocktail after another one. We smoked and smoked. I am pretty sure we also smoked weed. My bad mood became a giddy one. The other girls joked and said I may have no talent as an actress, but I sure did know how to drink and smoke and have fun. I didn't care. I offered my services and they were so dumb as to say that I could not act. I knew I was good at being the "Rebel Girl"
I do not remember how we got back to school. The only thing I knew was that I was in the nurse's office sleeping on a sickbed. I opened my eyes and had a huge headache. I felt so sick. The nurse came and wiped my forehead. When I asked what happened, she told me to rest. I fell asleep then.
When I woke up, Mom and Dad were there.
" You are coming home," Dad explained in a mad voice, " It seems like you and some other girls snuck out of school grounds and got drunk and high at a pub. When you came back, you were very drunk and high, and you went to the theater room, where you started destroying the scene on the stage as well as ripping the seats with a knife. A nun heard you cursing and tried to calm you down. She did not succeed and was about to call the police. You collapsed at the end."
" I can explain," I said.
" I do not want to hear explanations! You are sick and you are an addict. You need help! You are coming home with us because you have been expelled"
Mom started saying that she was disappointed, but she also understood that Hollywood stars could be destructive. This, of course, got Dad mad as he reminded mom that I was only 13 and I was destroying myself. Dad shouted that it did not make a difference if I had a career in Hollywood. It was important that I was a happy girl and had a good life.
Mom, on the other hand, told me to get myself together. She told me that I got a small role in a B-film. This would not be a blockbuster and not many people would see it, but it would be part of my comeback.
So I went home and it was not the same place as it usually was. Mom and Dad always were fighting. Dad thought that I needed to forget Hollywood and get some help, while mom said that the only thing that would help me is to work and do what I always have done. This fighting made me cry at times, as they were fighting about me. I did not like to be the center of a fight!
I felt bad enough that I was expelled from school. I would miss Emma and the wretch girls. If I was to write on what I achieved as a 13-year-old. There would be nothing to write. I lost my Hollywood contract... I got expelled from school... I did not even make on the school play and now my parents were fighting over me.
The wretch girls phoned me after I was expelled. They were worried I couldn't get any drugs or cigarettes or alcohol. I told them there was a huge wall around our house to keep weird fans out, but there was a hole in the corner where they would crawl through. If I paid for the drugs and bad things, they would visit me. A part of me thought this was wrong and I should get myself clean. Another part of me said that I could never be clean and the Wretch girls were the only ones that understood me.
They wanted to come a day before I started filming the new movie. I was nervous about it. It did not help that mom and Dad were in one of their fights. A wretch girl called me and asked if they could visit. This is the last thing that I should have done. I should have rested until the next day. The thing was that I did not want to listen to my parents. They were arguing about what was best for me. They never asked what I wanted!
So I snuck out and went to my hiding place under the tree. It was like the school days where we started injecting drugs, drinking, and smoking. I never understood why it was just me that was expelled, but at this time, I didn't care. We were soon giggling and having fun. One girl did not understand why I even wanted to try to have a comeback. She thought people could remember me and I already proved myself. Another girl agreed and could not see how it was a comeback. It was a budget discounted film that hardly anyone would see. It was a huge step-down, especially when I only got a small role. They all agreed that I achieved more than most 13-year-olds. I could just retire with grace and never work again, as I earned millions.
I was once again drunk and high and somehow managed to make my way into the house. Dad was standing there thinking of what he should say. He didn't get a chance as I vomited all over him.
The next day, nothing was said and I felt like death warmed up. Mom spent an hour by giving me tablets to liven me up and by pouring coffee in me. This was just like the old days!
When we got to the movie studio, we were told there was no trailer for me. I was an extra and only got paid minimum wage for the movie. This meant that I had to change with the others. This was sort of hard because as soon as the others saw me, they asked if I was really Lourdes Aires and why was I there. The director overheard this and told everyone that it was a long time since I was a star. Everyone there including the cameraman was just as much as a star as I was. I felt so humiliated and my body was starting to ask when it would get the next fix.
The movie was a Victorian one and I could see they saved money everywhere. The storyline was bad and the acting was worse. I had an easy role. I was to be a maid and empty the fireplaces. I had nothing to say. How hard could that be?
When I came on the set to empty the fireplace, the director shouted cut! He then asked me what I was up to. I was supposed to look like a young maid. He noticed that my hair was a mess, and said there were bags under my eyes. He even asked was I high. He demanded that I go to make up and get sorted out. I was given more tablets and coffee and they somehow did magic with my face.
When it was time, I came stumbling on the scene again. It must have been because of the tablets, but I felt giddy and could hardly walk straight. The disaster happened when I tripped and fell to the ground. A table and a vase broke, and my bucket went flying through the air. I tried to stand up, which for some reason was hard. As I stood up, I fell over again, and this time came crashing down on the fake fireplace. They shouldn't use cheap things. At any rate, the director kept on calling Cut.
He called me over to him and said that I was as high as a kite. He then shouted that I was fired!
Of course, the media, that loved me once now hated me wrote that I was fired. The whole world knew that I was fired because I was high. This did not help things at home. Dad thought that I needed help and mom was mad at me because I destroyed my career. She said there was no chance at all for a comeback. I did not say anything and if I did, no one would hear as they were both fighting.
While they were fighting about me, I walked out the door unnoticed. I met the "Wretch girls" downtown. We started drinking and smoking some weed. Slowly I forgot all about being fired. We were once again in a giddy mood and my head was blank.
We walked around town, looking in shop windows. At one shop window, we saw some cool sunglasses that one of the girls wanted. She asked me did I have any money. I explained that Dad would not give me an allowance until I got help. This made her sad as she explained that she was admiring those sunglasses for the last month.
I didn't think twice. I walked into the shop and when the shopkeeper was looking at other places, I took the sunglasses and put them in my pocket. Then I quietly went out of the shop. As soon as I walked out, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was led back into the shop. I looked behind me to see if the girls would support me. They disappeared.
An hour later, the police were there and I was told that I was arrested for shoplifting. I was put in handcuffs and taken down to the police station. I could hear everyone whisper as they recognized who I was. I never felt so embarrassed. It was like my life could not get any worse.
After a few hours, Dad came and got me out. He did not say anything except that we should go for a walk. So when we came to the park, he told me to sit at a picnic table.
"Your mom did not want to come," he stated, " It is like she lost all hope in you or any comeback. She will not be happy when this is the latest headline about you."
" I can explain" I muttered
" The only explanation is that you have the wrong friends and you are an addict that will be dead before you are 20. You are a former child star that now has destroyed her health and life, nevermind her good reputation. The Shop keeper will not be pressing charges. This was not cheap."
"I am sorry."
" It's not your fault. Hollywood has much to answer for. You are not the only child star this happened to. You won't be the last. I will say this, that I will not give up. Tomorrow you are going to a special place, where you will get clean and get rid of this addiction"
" I do not want to go."
" You have no choice. You do not understand. You may be done at Hollywood, but this does not mean that you do not have a future. I think you have a bright future. You can do anything you want. However, you cannot do this if you are an addict!"
I told my Dad that I had to use the toilet. So I walked towards the toilets. When I got there, I just ran and ran. I left the park and went to the inner city, a place that I never been to before.
I was not going to any special place
I was not going to listen to my parent's fight
I would hide from Hollywood, the media and my parents.
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