My manager did not want to release a concert DVD, because the last one was such an embarrassment. I told him that I wanted it released. Many of my fans had a bad experience during the concerts, so I felt that I needed to give them something back. I need to give them a memory that the show was a good one. I knew that the DVD would most likely be another embarrassment, but I always placed my fans first. I also understood that the record company wanted profits and things to be a success. My mind was made up. The memories on the Madam X tour would be sold on DVD.
I was still in control of my career!
I was happy when the evening came. Today was a hard day for me. It's never easy to hear that your last album did not do well. It is not easy that everyone notices your age.
The children came in to say goodnight. David asked me did I know Michael Jackson. I admitted that we actually dated a few times and went to an award show together. Micheal also wanted me to do a duet with me. The problem was that Micheal and I were very different. He was silent and always a gentleman, and childlike while I was.... well, a loud-mouthed bitch. Later it would be revealed that Micheal Jackson did not like me. He said that I was not a nice person. I do not know if this changed before he died. However, I think he was so talented and a genius that cared about the world we live in.
It was time to go to bed. I looked in the mirror again and sighed. My eyes looked so old. They looked lifeless and stretched to the limits. I wondered why I could not accept aging gracefully. Think of the energy I used on trying to keep young. The fact was that old age would end up winning and there was no way I could stay young. I knew this was a fact, but I refused to accept it.
That night I had a strange dream that made me wake up and stare in darkness. I died and could see the reaction after I died. The news exploded for a week and then died down again. It was not the coverage that Micheal Jackson had. I was old. People expected me to die soon. The record company released the greatest hits that did very well and they would do that in the future.
So why was this a nightmare? The truth is I wanted my death to be noticed. I wanted my music to be remembered. People like Elvis and Micheal Jackson were legends after their death and they affect every new generation. This is what I wanted. I wanted to be a legend and my music would be kept alive.
When I woke up, I was in another bad mood. I called the staff in my room and told them that my career was being destroyed. I shouted that I knew that the music industry could not accept a woman becoming old. However, there also have been bad decisions in the last few years. I told them that I could get better advice by reading my fans debate my career on the internet. I looked at them and asked them why I needed them?
My manager tried to cheer me up by saying that we had an invitation to sing at the big award show. I would be getting a lifetime achievement. This should have made me happy. However, lifetime awards were like an event where you looked back at a career. It was like saying there was no future. I accepted as it would give me attention in the newspaper and show people that I was not dead yet
Nothing much happened afterward. I worked on editing the Madam X DVD and spent some time with the young children. Two twins that are full of life.
That night was very quiet. No business, no parties, and the children were in bed. I drank one glass of wine after another. I will admit that I was very tipsy. I put rosebuds all over my bed and went on Instagram. I was not so sure what I said. I just opened my heart for everyone to hear and then fell asleep.
The next morning, I forgot all about Instagram. My publicist was the one that bought it to my attention. She said that it was not very well received. This confused me as I told her that I was just having an open session with my fans. I was letting them into my inner emotions and feelings. My publicist sighed and told me the common reaction was that I was an old pop star locked up in a mansion, that is totally out of contact with the normal person.
I went in my Instagram and saw myself in a nearly see-through nightdress I had a glass of wine in my hands. It was obvious that I was drunk.
"I just wanted to say hello to all of you." I said on Instagram, " I want to tell you that it is hard being Madonna. I have been hated by many throughout my life. I always considered myself an artist. However, every time i tried to express myself, people said it was too much. It would be fine if a man said it, but not a woman. As the years went by, I was criticized because I looked older. You know that radio stations refuse to play my new songs because I am too old. I am young in heart and feel there is yet so much to do. I do not want to retire as I feel the world needs to hear more about love and tolerance. So do not look at someone's wrinkles. They are still beautiful and can teach us a lot!"
The responses to this Instagram were very honest and harsh...375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYFAPvSqlp
... Are you still alive?375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5fDjftQVR
... What can you tell us that is new? Your songs are always about sex or religion. We heard it all before. 375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVvYrayW6d
... Why can you not just accept that you are old? You had your time. 375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡllv98GN7Ln
... I liked Madonna's early songs. She is sounding more and more desperate now. 375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xkc89nIzS
... Madonna can't tell me anything. She complains while she is on a bed of roses in a huge mansion. She is totally out of touch with the normal person. See how much she charged for her latest tickets. Does she think that most people can afford this? Madonna lives in luxury while she has no clue what it is like to be poor. Life for many is not love and sex. It is survival. 375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFD4jsWBVZY
... This is so sad. Madonna was always an attention seeker and has not become wiser.375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmqC1QLjGK
... You are drunk. What happens when your children wake up. Oh, I forgot, they are probably in your trophy room being taken care of by a nanny.
Have I lost track of the normal life that people have? I was always credited with knowing what was trendy and what was trendy below the surface. I was always praised that my music sounded new. As I got older, did I start to think that producers knew more than me? My last few records were criticized by me trying to sound like the younger pop stars. This hurt me to think about it. I can't lead if people think I am following.
I shut down the computer. I did not have time to cry over the reactions. I had a show to plan. My staff thought I should sing "Like a Prayer". I reminded them of the Eurovision song contest and the fact I sang that song so many times at events like this. We made a compromise, that I would sing an "oldie" and something from Madam X. So I chose "Borderline" and "I rise".
My staff insisted that I lip-synced the songs. They argued that as a person grew older, their voice would need training as old age made the voice weaker. I told them no. I wanted a performance that the show would be spectacular, something people would talk about for weeks. I told them that the concept would be a fairytale. We would have holograms of fairies. Pink elephants, wizards, singing flowers, and everything magical. The effect would be very imaginative and something I did not try before. They still argued about lip-syncing, so I agreed to use an auto tuner.
My publicist wanted to speak in private. She told me that I should consider what I wear. She argued that I was a legend, and many people looked up to me. I was a role model. I was now old and many people would be looking at how I dealt with being old. At the moment, many people thought I was desperate to look you again. She suggested that I did not wear a leotard, but something from the 50's glamour. The women in the 1950's did not dress in leotards and look like whores, they were very stylish and looked sexy.
I tried not to get mad. What she was saying was that I was too old to be in a leotard. When did I ever conform to society's expectations and norms? Why can a person my age not dress as they wished? Society has so many restrictions and things have been better. However, older people still were discriminated against and had a lot of social barriers.
The staff worked on the holograms, while I and some dancers worked on the dances. I was excited about the performance.
I remembered back to the early days. People doubted my talent then. I proved them wrong. My first albums sold in the millions. I had little patience back then. I still have little patience. I wanted to do something new all the time. I did not want to repeat the same thing. Many singers had the same formula and their career was based on this. I, on the other hand, knew that there was so much inspiration in the underground music scene and the clubs. This is where I picked up on Vogue. It was a popular dance in gay clubs. I released a song based on this. "Vogue" caused a sensation and was one of the highlights of my career.
After we practiced all afternoon for the show, Britney Spears visited me. We had some tea and sandwiches. I had a soft heart for Britney. She only had one wish and that was to find love. Her career was very promising however fame took its toll on her. We all saw how she cut all her hair off and was admitted into a mental institution. Since then, she did not control her life. Her dad was like a guardian. I told her she should work to get control of her life and only do things that make her happy. Fame was not everything. Britney knew me so well and responded that I was obsessed with the fame and the attention it gave. She asked me why was I still trying to prove that I deserved success.
This made me think over the next few weeks as I practiced for the show. I remembered after Vogue was a success, that I was no longer just a pop singer. I was a megastar. I was then being compared to Michael Jackson and the Beatles and Elvis. Nothing could go wrong. Then I wanted to press the envelope to the extreme. I wanted people to think and see how society could be more tolerant. I wanted to provoke. I released a book called "Sex" which was very sexual and had nudity. I released an album called "Erotica" that simply was a flop.
People thought I went too far. I felt like I was being punished for expressing myself. This could be seen on the David Letterman show when I swore 13 times. People were not ready for this openness yet. There was a public hatred of me. Now I was paying for it. Everyone said my career was over. That was nearly 30 years ago.
The award show came. I was called up to receive the award.
"Madonna is the most successful female artist of all time. Her music has followed us all our lives. It touched us. Madonna was a pioneer. She reinvented the music industry. She has set the trends for decades. We can see her creativity in her videos, songs, music, and fashion. Madonna showed us all we can achieve what we want if we have ambition and drive"
I smiled and thanked my fans and God. I did not want to hold a speech. The only thing I could think about was my performance. 375Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbhZQYTyLEr
The time for that came. I was on stage in front of millions of TV viewers. That is when everything went wrong...
To be continued
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