I always love a good party and this one was no exception. I felt so free when I was on the dancefloor. All my worries disappeared and I could just have some fun. I did not have to worry about my age or my career. I did not have to worry about if my dancing was perfect. This was where time stopped and I could smile and just have fun. Of course, my hip did hurt me and I could not dance as wild as I used to. I did not think about it. I just wanted a break and to have fun.
I was back to the normal daily life the next day. My manager had an idea that I could do a duet album with artists I admire. He suggested artists like Elton John, Kate Bush. Annie Lennox, Billie Eilish, Lady Gaga, and Dua Lipa. I smiled at the idea and told him that it is fun working with others. It would be a great project and a fun project and could introduce some younger fans to me. I also tried a few duets before. They were nothing to remember. Who remembers the duet I done with Britney Spears? The manager was sure that this would be a success. I had my doubts. Would I be criticized for needing the support of other stars? I would not have full control. It would not be a Madonna project.
When I was young, I did not have the ambition to be a pop star. When my career started, I wanted to be a dancer and do movies. I did try movies. Due to bad directors or bad scripts, most of my movies were also flops. Most even said that I was a bad actress. I remember how hurt and frustrated I was every time a movie flopped. I knew I could be a better actress and a success, I just needed the right script.
This is why I worked so hard to get the role of Evita. It was an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical that would be made to a movie. I finally got the role of Evita. The film was hard and very demanding. To make things worse, I found out that I was pregnant with Lourdes. I did everything I could to prove that I could take a serious role like this. I even took singing lessons to improve my voice. It was not an easy film to do. I had to follow instructions all the time and the warm climate was not easy when you are pregnant.
Evita was one of the highlights of my career. The movie was a success and proved that I could act. I even won a Golden Globe award. This was when my life was perfect. I had a huge success with a movie, and I was a mother for the first time!
I did not feel disgusted as I looked in the mirror a few days after the party. I felt sad. I remembered the people I met in my career. Many were now dead. Superstars like Michael Jackson, Prince, George Micheal, David Bowie, and Whitney. Others had a great career but their careers faded away. Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and Celine Dion are some names that I thought of. It was strange to think that I have survived this long.
Now I was obsessed with saving my career and not getting older. I did not want to go down in memory lane. I knew that a lot of fans thought my songs from the '80s were my best. I also knew that if I did an album like True Blue or Like a prayer, it would please my older fans and most likely be a success. The thing is I wanted to try new things. I wanted to try the new things people were listening to and were not mainstream yet.
Was I desperate? Could I not accept reality? I looked at women such as Annie Lennox that was always a strong woman and very talented. She did not try to be sexual and yet she still had her fan base. Annie did not seem desperate. She seemed very happy with what she was doing. She had the freedom to do what she liked. Maybe I needed to relax and just have fun.
Rocco, my oldest son visited me. We had huge problems years ago. Rocco was a teenager and he has my ability to rebel. He thought that I worked too much and he hated when I went on tour. Rocco wanted to be with his friends and he wanted a stable life. He asked me if he could live with his Dad. I refused because I thought he should stay with me. I was worried about him. He tried drugs and was wild at times. Rocco deleted me on his Instagram and all hell broke loose. It ended that we had a very public custody battle. I felt like I was being judged as a mom and lost.
Since then we have reconciled. Our relationship is very rocky. I do my best to try to understand Rocco. He had to live in the spotlight and he had a mom and dad that were known. Rocco thought I was too strict and he often did not like I spent so much time on my career.
I tried not to think about any comeback or what I should do. Now I wanted to give my full attention to my son. I listened to his ambitions and plans. I had to smile because he reminded me so much about his father. Rocco was talented and wanted to try things. Now he was interested in modeling. I let Rocco tell about what he was doing and his plans and did not mention my career. I did ask him to let me know If I could help in any way. Rocco smiled and said he just needed my moral support and prayers.
Rocco went so I decided to get exercise. I was proud of my children. They were not spoiled or evil. They were talented and they could achieve what they wanted. So where did I go wrong? I think things started going wrong when I released Hard Candy. This was a time when I wanted to work with the big shots and make something special. I think the music was good. However, the critics said it was not music that set trends, I was following what others have done and some thought I was trying too hard.
Then I released MDNA. This was slammed as well. Even fans did not like it. They thought it was rushed and something any other pop star could do. Again I misjudged.
The next album "Rebel Heart" was supposed to be a comeback. I spent time doing it. I was proud of the music and it could have been big if it was not leaked. It was at this time where I had to hear how old I was.
Maybe I should throw in the towel and retire. The problem is I am not like that. I am a fighter and I know I am not ready to retire. I was too stubborn.
A few weeks later, I was visiting my mother's grave. She died when I was 5 and this had such a big influence on my life. I lost some of my childhood as I had to deal with death and the concept of a cruel world. I had to be more responsible. I became more independent and protective of myself. I think it made me bitter and mad at the world and God for decades. A young girl needs her mother.
I knelt at the grave and started crying. What would Mom advice me to do? I had everything I needed and yet I had anxiety attacks over getting old and my career going down the drain. I felt like there was so much more to do. My body was telling me it could no longer do what I expected. I imagined that if mom was alive now, she would be a wise grandmother, that was so relaxed and calm, and had the wisdom to share out to everyone. I imagine she would not be afraid of old age or being popular. I just needed her to tell me that everything will be OK.
I don't know how long I was at the grave, It was Lourdes that woke me up. She looked worried and said it's about time that we talk.
"Mom, you have been strange the last few weeks." she started, "I think I know what the problem is. You think the world thinks your too old to be at the top of the music industry. Let's face the facts. You are old. Your voice is not as strong as it was. Despite you still look great, you are no longer a spring chicken. Your body moans and aches every time you try to perform. Mother nature will have the last word, despite how many creams or operations you have. Young teenagers have idols they can identify with. They find it hard to identify with an old woman!"
I could have hit her. Lourdes was always good at being open and saying things the way she has seen them,
"What have you to prove?" she continued, "You are the best selling female singer of all time. You were at the top for 30 years. Other pop stars only have at most 10 years! You have seen the whole world and influenced so many. You have helped the world by fighting aids and asking for more tolerance and respect. You have helped countless children in Malawi. Besides all this, you were the best mom a child could have."
Lourdes looked into my eyes and said very slowly... " You have nothing to prove!"
I kissed my mom's grave and said thank you. Then I took Lourdes's hand and told her we should find the others and do something fun.
I knew what Lourdes said was true. I also knew that at times I would not accept it. However, I would pray to God to give me peace in my mind and the strength to accept changes in my life.
I am old. This does not mean that life is over. It is right that I have nothing to prove. I could use my old age to do projects when I wanted and do the music that I wanted. I may never have a number one again, however, I would be having fun. I am sure when fans could see that I was having fun, they would as well.
Besides my work, I was also a mother. I would never be too old for this job. I could be at my children's side as they lived their lives.
I would also be there for my grandchildren.
The End
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