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下班回家，淋浴。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVcG8skrIe
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMQPND9u0J
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJucDkdOtp
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GJiejTvAh
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSjmq3oLdw
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqawKTQq8lr
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSx3SUd2NIY
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ86GxmCzPl
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvbFnuL66m
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyCFp3VmsaX
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKtiXOBYey
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVyB0WjpuB
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIK6IvcgvyO
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2JxXW7qoM
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAg5QEsyjN
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVElFAqk3i
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsaxC0oYyN
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvdXLr9EVY
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxv6QzAurTv
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwv85KIjC9
啪——啪——162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjZWDhOVJx
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4JOqvnsjw
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHKilyauqG
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAJbLh0KVn
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfRvVjPEvu
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwQXIF9l0D
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuNUiPZVlq
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN06sAFDOo1
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lLjy9m1ft
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SBtcM2L7A
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdi56THixki
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WN1hBHv7S
算了吧。沒所謂。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKQ57GzL0w
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtr1DaBeYv
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJRRjcNqXC
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ545puvksSw
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUqKl2M27r
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIc5oX4I5t
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUxmwsz10a
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FMHT0xP9n
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoCDdYlcWG
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSAEI9eYUZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HMUig1Vx7
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcMQQh15V2
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUcR6KW6dU
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggMifcQilS
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbv4zpWpip
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3R7LmEMbj
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHk8ERjWBeV
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIt3QApD28j
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRr6hrja7S0
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLwSbFPHoZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfrDi3dHxT
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDoix6KJJvh
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvSMQz6xcH
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4hzdmUQQg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5fzAe0p44
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbww1gcoj6
我頭也不回開門離家。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYX3nEGsP6o
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQteHuJHRFr
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEaqP8AAyZ6
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVoGQ7ZrYU
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4IG7918G4
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBQwQavZqR
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZFVZKtUf8
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmu7v2ECL6v
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZiyLejclR
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFmw9KmyHw
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfE7VuhcqlQ
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw6XJ3gIwj
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizkRunLnYe
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGEz1X6O6t
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIM62A4VIx
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qgQMMFDcY
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZceNzFhYE
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn330fgmOyj
「你不開心？」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVWJBlmWwt
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCr0hPKN4q
「是的。但與你無關。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndUyqjWp4d
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVSVsEXAqw
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qpZkQ7q3x
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgA3QEc9MaJ
「還有菸嗎？」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTAXvvVEUb
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUF3cICRMCb
「有。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxxnfPzOe1
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FyvxGWeSW
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnoxhG7moHJ
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPScV0NN9t
「俊仔還好嗎？」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90ar4V48Q7
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwEFM7sVEY
「與你無關。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fvZqCXjYn
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLj3j5MLwYR
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLo0turn3Xg
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaid5L32KfZ
我幽幽一笑。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlMfGBPeHE
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOgmXnct1Z
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLEsoK2jDj
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyR7w7aKxxJ
「多少？我付！」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TGyRrmOsL
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXbuFRx0Lt
「五萬七千五百元。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptzFd8HEYP
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1udw8JoE6
「好！沒問題！小意思！」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ahVGpflCa
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLxfqo9Lwj
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqOME2w6Zd
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzh29zSWkWg
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5sS1epK12
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFP8K1cXus
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodJ0iVENze
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsd9Hy6375H
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWQ037uoSm
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3g89tFVyOn
「阿顧，對不起。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApqV8ILENV
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneoCHo13q0
「道歉有屁用！」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiDH8IFx2x
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptzKSSAnxi
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2oB3V37Pf
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOD0nuRo2Os
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0LQiIWWxM
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDemyTKn0ae
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1GZp2RXje
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NDsofHXXy
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0EL61LS97
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVh9sbmkqv
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHx7UjQeBa
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2j0hGVpmK
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzl7fKgUiLl
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrbO1jREqo
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKhdWyg6pB
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY62lbqnzdT
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8zvbMXY4P
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71VkvRht3Z
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vkWwAhimz
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoW6vbHudC0
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaax93GpWet
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7KteCvIcz
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnKQgogibJ
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qwz3eI3Se
我活該……我活該……我活該……162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZ6vsBzIvj
162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUsCHh67x4
我如此催眠自己。162Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrq9NsGlVR9
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns 15.158.61.48da2
