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下班回家，淋浴。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTgHVK5l61
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4d5tPeoDDt
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnPobSoLO9
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今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQSlz7yQXY
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfAnezB5cA
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFDlatJaoa
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyoyntKKPs
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EtkwjiLct
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3jYhsEFkd
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRvc1XLOJ5
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLlYzDzJJn
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMENHirOvwP
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGMTB5zDSN
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhR7uVH9iI
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYOgPkpq9p
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wIV36SG5w
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZAZd7zh8by
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepNURrYz2y
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbEdl4uFo5
啪——啪——202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufndnf1xiA
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmvQSqcg8K
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1S6TyzKZi
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOLBfOdDmz
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8QJ6ltXcU
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hQrTts1JU
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNcCqcrU0i
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHd1VgcD7c0
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE41YOHFqnw
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGKAvQ4vgw
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9QdpDTJix
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7I9Revv4zx
算了吧。沒所謂。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9gmWKJrI5
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NxG8gjX4V
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKHKUdCsjD
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkR8Ptd3F1w
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4ab1h9q3c
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSh5tCAKtDv
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqW15HEeOj
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs52fNqwePb
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDuCUnOJX5T
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoJpd90Gpr
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiewHTjOXG
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTaAKv76VX
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurmTaUxnHl
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcp9oS9DxCO
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLYWcoVM0l
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bVM4zmpb8
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQS0vlVwGH
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkSuwvWfav
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyAJWM98UL
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CnalGuODk
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoj8SgjOgP
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXfe1Zbuy5
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOj8LnVEh5
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79B5MplX5N
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTjGZMNuZe
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEW1UKGvaD
我頭也不回開門離家。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXj8J9ffgT
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BXeonwX7K
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1c81f7Pr2o
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmtWtzN87V
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoptc5kAVfP
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDyriqvf7E
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDHzSvPabo
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhRnfpxCSk
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXE2TEvZnn
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FLa2ieZ3V
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jKaEd60GW
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxf3s00DYL
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVLsJTK5Iv
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSSxN7e1pp
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLyWfDxsno
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUr5n4LMUAW
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4hmT1nY9p
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpnmaOlwha
「你不開心？」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqraRJBhhha
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXN3TrnQvdR
「是的。但與你無關。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGgidW8Ky3
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0U69LwBwy5
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7poT6ezgH
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxoSQOGTmk
「還有菸嗎？」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98ZNPNTgKp
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAS0i8G8Jgd
「有。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1RsSa83Rr1
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYheK5Npey1
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3u6fOlGcU1
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1K5qR8GJq
「俊仔還好嗎？」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeDYWjb6kU
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4uoB2aclG
「與你無關。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfZjCEkPJY
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOi0pmhgUg4
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3fTtCNEzy
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFydP5BHqj
我幽幽一笑。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6njQb6vyRc
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8032fQ8Bc
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp5CYvNrpMu
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7CRdFl7XX
「多少？我付！」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO20A38QwRP
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxCGL7HpZn
「五萬七千五百元。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjd4UeOKYP
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1lOUiSYfv
「好！沒問題！小意思！」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVCp6m3wwY
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQU4xn4tpa
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXWHzUgydb
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayDP6VaT6V
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklzJksmFcC
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0T15SstDwu
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTxMfWW2pa
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZHj1ODDa2
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iICHfwIG6
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIUJXMcvjk
「阿顧，對不起。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQF8LpNlv4
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqAJ80XUxV
「道歉有屁用！」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCb76ukBXq
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Du8RrXKi3
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoy3GmJ1mm
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVGMTWQoAl
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHXCvllbs8
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXm9UOY5pD
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCOjLMwbGx
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTv6cAJHpM
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsdkPBPFOw
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaQANn7Tiu
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabeG0B4iiE
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ue0OqYII2
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5aHbqQitm
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKB0ckTJZx9
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvZOvcZH1t
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0Do7WIMPh
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2CvqKrQBj
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwP8HmLdccC
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjhHJ0H1LX
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPbsVEPEWH
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGetkDOWtcL
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0QWYdb0GE
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY64JuDvqug
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBVjCYPt43
我活該……我活該……我活該……202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdo5dOmRRd
202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Kh7K5xo64
我如此催眠自己。202Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUcZZPJGX1
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.141.2.206da2
