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下班回家，淋浴。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGnHa0GXTYl
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWshG5A3wSH
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FSH0g50YA
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47PIHBVJRg
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijOywFQ1Pz
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIovNfEEOz
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtL04IH78P
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89yz4pnsHN
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunu6vUdBJc
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjPWqC0b3p
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7M6qOMcyj
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdCqb8bCbY
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9REsOdYYPr
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2wynqf1id
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNR24aLryl
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFbHFoXUuk
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFrh3v5ADb
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZWaW50LOO
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfzOB7SCi5
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJOnLG6MJl
啪——啪——161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiL1nkqfN6
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaPCIThzxr
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutZgIoI1OQ
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wT2KMmOt1
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaHvCkA8jS
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDlz0ol7Fd
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZOtjATCu4
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnb9HMWvKWe
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaiKkp4cGd
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxXRxvRvWE
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhU5bKODSEA
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQhoZilVak
算了吧。沒所謂。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa18u6z9BkA
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANfRMeAdOE
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjD9NRZJ17f
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlK3ve3WqPk
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30bi5fa2pE
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SUnGh2sjp
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6B5fwBqJ1
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTzogQCys6
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVXn2cgd3w
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKa4F3xaMi
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk6raP6lphS
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8yJ0Bz9Jw
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknfAy6lilU
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0zSVdRK6Q
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUN3zvMiQK
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGEtbaTAHg
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0rjexEjBC
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgJSrfOp76
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0awSNkCJR
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMQQjUxG3Y
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSgjTn6JiJ
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDHnWsoDbZ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiimQmhKNWu
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbS3rWxXwC
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8wAnq1m0f
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7lN7vkD7R
我頭也不回開門離家。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoQz1ZBA07
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkq5ZuP9VK
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡif9JlZWtmq
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uQwfKvkY9
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabI3Ze3JA7
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97lPGsazau
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpd8ESiaF5U
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFMHM9PBY9
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKDDYfqSd0
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVsJMtNyFU
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWeNc38eCW
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkswlfnnBIM
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEboYWWLrlr
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlMXCpHQjS
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKLrR94jDl
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMZuNItYap
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8K2RnAXSzo
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aWyLxbMRA
「你不開心？」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwXRDSNlVr
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqFSTCFtG9
「是的。但與你無關。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuq0hFHqqqf
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmGnBcPMyl
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyP62AZwuOo
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5G6Zb5U53B
「還有菸嗎？」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoscrHupNM
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEo6a9OtME
「有。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZXsgbvqwa
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnPv9gMqYJ
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRcqftUpML
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTjbdEq05r
「俊仔還好嗎？」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3MxGgiGkH
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xMA9r9zl1
「與你無關。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzxOXt3TFx
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeCepGE6Qm
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzEhjWdDix
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFO8laeTXwp
我幽幽一笑。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneQdyg0Fta
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡez9zqAefWu
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxLHnYU7Ea
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIADKmtSXO
「多少？我付！」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvezemzqUc
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklbECy0Tj8
「五萬七千五百元。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPwRlA3CRQ
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9O5SSMwTPP
「好！沒問題！小意思！」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aG6g4OaPt
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNy0UshWgG
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74pclCllvX
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRi5PrRt4V
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBs6ras3Ufr
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGhUVKS9ON
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBxpvIpmLb
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfYP2Toyxu
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6RqEaaVSB
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepV5BrdBJn
「阿顧，對不起。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcDKmSLT3f
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcziSYCOZ6
「道歉有屁用！」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jjNveauxj
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizl7LglNZZ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbVSzFLmlv
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJ97nkY2BC
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFa6dzzpfxR
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbjY1prDPr
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqauZsWVzr
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNBvTnYSE5
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFBYkTel2q
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DUORKVMag
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYW8QWebFQ4
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dInWvUnOA
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCmJQlEDkn
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThdb9SFlcM
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknCNbEcR79
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSSDKYFOeG
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GcFRFoZ5j
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkMbUcIi3S
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy0k3Gc6Uv7
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ476n9sh32U
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0160BNiTrx
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1gNTyiGZ7
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrtDSUQDMW
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCb0lm2o84g
我活該……我活該……我活該……161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoiki2Pigf
161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjN9W65ktn
我如此催眠自己。161Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYUH8GvTAH
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns 15.158.61.20da2
