I feel like I need a break after that darkness of a memory. Fortunately, I have one bright light before the end begins. This was our calm before the storm.
It felt like we had been on the road for an eternity. We had a long day and night of driving and then the burning of some more morning light before we got to Morden’s facility. It could have been quicker. Jess had offered to “jump” us all there, car included, but Donna said we couldn’t.
“I’ll get us there when we are supposed to be there,” she told us.
There were things in motion that she could not stray from.
“We have a destiny now?” asked Brenda, half sarcastically.
“It’s a feeling. Please trust me,” replied Donna.
It was hard to trust her senses, but I knew we had to. I didn’t know why Brenda and Jess were able to trust so easily but I wasn’t about to question it. I was afraid I’d start to lose my nerve if they had objected in any way. So I trusted that everything would happen when it needed to. I think all of us could feel it. Donna had a haunted look in her eyes that only I noticed. I squeezed her thigh again with my hand to let her know things would work out. She just nodded.
I don’t remember when the radio was turned on. Donna or I must have decided some background noise was in order because we needed something to give us a break from the tension and awkward silence. We passed out of the range of one station and into the range of another. This one happened to use a country format. One song ended and then we heard the opening chords and first verse of something familiar. Neon Moon broke through the static of the car’s speakers. It brought back a good memory and I smiled.186Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBWtPuSmsb
I’m not sure what came over me, but I started to sing along. I caught a subtle smile struggling to not form on Donna’s lips. In the back seat, the peanut gallery shared a look of bewilderment. I’m not known to sing or do anything lighthearted for that matter. I continued to sing along and nudged Donna.
“No,” she said, trying really hard to not look at me.
I leaned in closer and sang a little louder and nudged her again.
“Nope,” she said, slowly losing the intense battle to reel back her now big smile.
I sang louder. Maybe my memory is coloring things a bit, because there was a pause before the last line in the chorus that lasted more dramatically than I think it actually should. And then Donna joined me in not completely butchering the song. We sang slightly off-key but I’ll blame that on us trying not to laugh. In spite of the perplexity that the two in the back of the car felt, neither could resist. Somewhere along the way Brenda and Jess joined in. For a couple minutes the world actually felt normal. We felt like something other than a group that barely knew each other. It felt like this was who we were always meant to be. It was as if we were just a group of friends on a road trip. It felt like family. Maybe we all felt the need to rage against the dying of the light and this was a chance to do it together. And there is no better way to fight the dark than with light. When the song ended there were more laughs. Donna looked into the rear view mirror at Brenda.
“And how do you two know that song?” she asked.
“What? How do you know Books & Dunn aren’t my jam?” Brenda replied.
In typical Donna fashion, her eyebrow just raised.
“Okay, fine. Country music isn’t what I typically listen to,” said Brenda.
She had a thoughtful pause then continued, “In the good old days, it was one of my parent’s favorite songs. They used to dance to it in the kitchen.”
Then she looked away and out at the world passing by so we wouldn’t notice her eyes getting misty. Jess reached over and squeezed Brenda's hand. Brenda hadn’t yet told Jess about what happened with her parents but it seemed as if Jess could sense something. Brenda collected herself, looked back at Jess and smiled.
“How do you know that song, Jess?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Country bar in Tokyo,” they replied.
“Country bar?” asked Brenda.
“Oh, yeah. It’s called Little Texas. And they take line dancing very seriously,” they said.
“How did you end up there?” I asked.
“Genuine curiosity,” said Jess.
“And?” asked Donna, skeptically.
“I noticed cute girls going in there once,” they said.
“There it is,” said Donna, shaking her head.
Jess flipped her off.
“Wait, you speak Japanese too?” asked Brenda.
“And a bit if Chinese. My Cantonese is passable but my Mandarin is for shit,” they replied.
“Dude, that’s badass,” said Brenda.
“I know,” replied a very proud Jess.
“So, did you…” I began to ask.
“Go all out country in my style choice?” responded Jess, anticipating the question.
They really wanted to tell the story.
“Oh hell yeah. Not my typical vibe, obviously, but I was feeling…” they began.
“Lost and lonely?” asked Brenda with a cheesy grin.
“Basically. Anyway, I was also feeling a little more boyish at the time so I was a full-on cowboy looking for my cowgirl.” said Jess.
“Did you find one?” asked Brenda, with wide hopeful eyes.
“Sitting on a saddle that was being used as a bar stool,” said Jess.
“A saddle?” I asked.
The expression on my face asked, You’re kidding?186Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUzb24Ex2N
“Yeah, that place doesn’t play around with the décor either,” said Jess.
“So what happened?” asked an increasingly interested Brenda.
Jess’s normal cool facade melted a little. While they felt a certain level of comfort with Donna and I, it was the presence of Brenda that made them feel safe enough to be more of themselves around us. Jess smiled and told us about their night.
“We talked for a little while. Then she caught me off guard. She asked me why I was dressed as a boy,” they said.
“Oh, shit,” said Brenda.
“I know. I started to spin up into full panic mode but she gently put her hand over mine and whispered into my ear,” said Jess, and kind of stared off into the distance.
“What did she say?” I asked.
“She told me that she’d keep my secret and that I was cute,” said Jess.
“Aw,” said Brenda.
“Shut up!” said Jess and they punched Brenda in the arm.
Jess tried to look mad but they were still smiling.
“How’d the rest of the night go?” asked Donna.
“Effing amazing. She was amazing. Kagami was her name. We danced, talked, and laughed for hours I think. It was a blur. The only song I remember from the night is Neon Moon. Then we kissed,” said Jess.
“Nice,” said Brenda.
“I’ll tell you all something I’ve never told anyone. That was my first kiss,” said Jess.
They were looking off into the distance again with a love struck grin. Then they realized something genuinely honest was said in the company of clients.
“My first kiss with a Japanese girl. I mean. I’ve kissed a bunch of girls before that,” they said, blushing.
I didn’t say anything. Donna laughed to herself.
“So what happened after that?” asked Brenda.
“I walked her out and she caught a cab. Didn’t even give me her number,” said Jess.
“That sucks,” said Brenda.
“Probably for the best. I, uh... followed her home to see where she lived and may have done a little light stalking after that,” said Jess.
“Light?” I asked.
Jess ignored the question.
“Anyway… Turns out she had a boyfriend. Seems like that night she was just feeling experimental,” said Jess.
“Sounds like she actually liked you but didn’t know how to handle it,” said Donna.
Jess just nodded and then changed the subject.
“So how do you two losers know the song?” Jess asked.
I looked over at Donna and she nodded to give her approval.
“Funny enough, at a country bar,” I said.
I couldn’t contain my smile. It was another rare night where I almost felt like I had a normal life.
“What happened?” asked Jess, not at all trying to hide their smile.
“What’s happening? I can’t see her face,” said Brenda from behind me.
“Oh, she’s smiling,” said Jess.
“Really? Shit. So is Donna,” said Brenda.
She was.
“Did you all make some country boys very happy?” asked Brenda.
“Not in the way you two are thinking.” I said.
“That’s a shame,” said Jess.
“So what happened?” asked Brenda.
I shook my head and let myself share.
“It was about a year ago, in Wyoming. I was feeling down,” I said.
“And depressing the hell out of me,” said Donna.
I landed a light backhand on Donna’s shoulder.
“Anyway… This one decided to take me out,” I said, pointing at Donna.
“Wait… You took the princess here to a bar?” asked Jess.
I glared at them.
“Technically it was a dance hall,” said Donna.
“She dances?” asked Brenda.
“She dances,” said Donna.
Jess and Brenda looked at each other and both nodded at the same time, sharing the same thought. Nice, they almost telepathically said to each other.
“So, how did you get around the covering your head thing. Plus isn’t that crazy redneck country?” asked Brenda.
“Some places are not as bad as others,” said Donna.
“Good to know,” she replied.
“To answer your question, I wasn’t wearing the hijab so much at the time. I still covered my head though,” I said.
“Cowboy hat,” said Donna.
There was a few seconds of silence.
“Picturing her as a cowgirl?” Brenda asked Jess.
“Totally. And it works,” they replied.
“It really does,” said Brenda, nodding.
I tried not to turn red.
“Do you two want the story or not?” I asked them.
“Yeah,” said Brenda.
“We’re down,” said Jess.
“Long story short. It didn’t take long for someone to ask Sarah to dance,” said Donna.
“Hey, you got a few dance requests too,” I replied.
“I did alright,” said Donna.
“So you two can actually relax?” asked Brenda.
“Why can’t you ever include me in these moments?” asked Jess.
“Because you would spend the whole night hitting on me,” I said.
“Awkwardly,” said Donna.
“That’s fair,” replied Jess.
“So where does the song come into play?” asked Brenda.
I looked over at Donna. She decided to confide.
“I ran into an old flame,” she said.
Another few seconds of silence.
“Donny, you can’t give us a taste like that and not serve up the rest,” said Brenda.
“Yeah, spill,” said Jess.
“Erick Flattery. I met him at my first duty station. We sort of hit it off but it never got serious,” said Donna.
“You didn’t let it get serious based on what you told me,” I said.
Donna shook her head.
“Anyway, I didn’t know he lived around there,” said Donna.
“I don’t completely buy it but I’ll allow it,” said Jess.
“He surprised me and asked me to dance,” said Donna, ignoring Jess.
“I was already on the dance floor when the song started playing,” I said.
“I got lost in the moment, when we were dancing. And I... let my mind wander,” said Donna.
“You saw a future with him, didn’t you?” asked Jess.
Donna nodded her head.
“There was a faint, almost non-existent thread of a life that my mind found. We would have gotten married,” she said.
I don’t know if Jess or Brenda would have asked why Donna didn’t take the chance, but both smiled. Then after a few seconds both their smiles faded at the same time.
“You couldn’t see any further down that road, could you?” asked Brenda.
“It went black at a certain point. I could feel… a nothingness. A void,” said Donna.
“Because no one saved the girl and everything ended,” stated Jess.
Donna just nodded.
“I hate reality,” said Brenda.
“You’re not the only one,” I said.
There were another few seconds of silence.
“Way to ruin the vibe, Sarah,” said Brenda.
“What?” I asked, surprised and confused.
“We were sharing happy stories and you get Donns to tell one with a depressing ending?” asked Brenda, who was clearly not being serious.
“Yeah, what the hell is wrong with you?” asked an equally non-serious Jess.
I turned to look at Jess again.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah. You just went down a few points,” said Jess.
I squinted my eyes at them.
“No I didn’t,” I said.
“No. You didn’t,” said a smiling Jess.
I turned back around, rolling my eyes in the process.
“It was a still fun night,” said Donna.
“It really was,” I said.
The memory gets a little hazy here. But I remember a few more things. Brenda and Jess went back to trading stories and didn’t pay much attention to us so I tried to sleep. It didn’t work all that well. Hours later I took over driving. Donna fell asleep almost immediately. It amazed me how she could sleep on command. It had to do with the military and CIA experience and was still impressive to me every time. Brenda and Jess pretty much talked the whole way. They carried on like two longtime friends.
I caught some of their conversation. Comics, toys, anime, manga, space shows about wars, space shows about trekking, something called Babylon 5, actresses whom they shared an affection for, and a certain actor who Brenda had a bit of an affection for.
“Wait. You like the clean cut, good boys?” asked Jess.
Brenda shrugged and the conversations continued. Jess of course could not see the attraction to any man but did admit to seeing the theoretical appeal of the guy on Brenda's list. A moment later there was a bit of silence when they figured out they were the same age and had the exact same birthday. That was a little weird. Then it continued as before. I could swear I factored into the conversation here and there but I can’t be sure. They would giggle like little kids and quickly turn their eyes away from me when I looked in the rear view mirror. Then I heard Jess mention Seoul. I tensed up.
“She doesn’t need to know about Seoul,” I said.
I assumed there was one specific element of that story that Jess was eager to tell.
“Eavesdropping is rude, you know,” said Jess.
“Compared to light stalking?” I asked.
They didn’t acknowledge the question.
“What happened in Seoul?” asked Brenda.
“It was our first job with Jess.” said Donna, who was apparently awake but had her eyes shut.
“Jess dropped me into a fish pond,” I said, annoyed.
“It was an accident,” said Jess.
“You could almost see through my shirt when I got out,” I responded.
“I was distracted?” said Jess.
“By the thought of seeing through my shirt,” I countered.
“And you wonder why we don’t take you places,” Donna said to Jess.
Jess sighed.
“Look, Brenda mentioned her…” Jess started.
“Awkward,” added Brenda.
“… Awkward first meeting with you. So I was telling her about my slightly more awkward first meeting with you,” said Jess.
“Slightly more awkward?” asked Donna, with eyes still closed.
Jess ignored her.
“And then I was going to apologize,” said Jess.
“You were going to apologize?” I asked, skeptically and sounding annoyed.
“Yeah. Not typical of me, I know. But I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable back then. I tend to not have control over my mouth, obviously, and also my impulses. And sometimes I forget to consider how that makes other people feel. I apologize. Sincerely,” said Jess.
I looked at Donna. I know she couldn’t read minds, but she had an astounding ability to tell truth from BS.
“I’m as shocked as you are. They’re telling the truth,” said Donna, not bothering to open her eyes.
“We cool?” Jess asked and offered their hand.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, grudgingly.
I reached back and shook their hand while keeping an eye on the road. I didn’t tell Jess that they were forgiven, but they understood that they were. I still wanted to slump into my seat and cover my face with my hands after hearing my embarrassing moment being aired out. But the impulse felt less severe than I thought it would. Jess actually gave me a genuine apology and it helped me feel not so bad. Much to my surprise. Also to my surprise, and in spite of my embarrassment, I felt more comfortable around our teleporter. When I thought about it more it struck me that this was my home. Not in that car, obviously. But the people I was with. This odd group was supposed to be family. This was my family and I never wanted to let them go. Even Jess. No one saw, but a tear crept from my eye. I knew that the storm we were headed for could end it all.186Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZQ3payrkm
