The Lioness and The Lamb Chapter 4/ Part Two
Jyn/
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The night was filled with researching and planning out foot traffic, places she could be seen. When I was little being a detective was always fun because I could solve mysteries. Finding something lost and returning it was a dream that didn't come true and now it has come back on me once more. Now that the night has passed and my body has roughly an hour of sleep it's time to put everything into motion. The first location was the food chains across this city followed by any retail or beverage place. No matter the type of business I was intent on having her picture handed out and even paid in advance for information. The day was long with walking everywhere that was possible but once every place in my reach was hit I needed a vehicle to speed things up.
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In most cases, I would steal a car and have it washed then legalized but I'm not home and my connections don't reach out here. So I purchase the most fuel-efficient car possible that was in mostly mint condition which wasn't difficult. However, tracking expenses for today I have already hit over two hundred grand and the day is still bright. The next business was any driving companies around that was affordable and not too expensive. This wasn't as easy since various kinds of them exist and all prices have wide ranges of pricing. This is probably not the most efficient way but for me, it works since I'm out of my depth.
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I wish that was my only problem but days continue to move without any results. On the way to the next city or town, I stop at every dinner or gas station possible. It's clear how desperate I have become and maybe this was a sign to let it go. So how does one let go when you are so tangled up in a connection you just want to unravel it back to the start. Realistically this probably goes beyond selfish and the more I think about what I will tell her, none of it feels right.
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From the moment I landed till now, it has been sixteen days of me searching this place. Winter is closing in and my father has cut me off financially. Perhaps I expected him to do so sooner but either way, it slows things down and changes my plans. While I could easily use the black market funds that are a problem on its own which could derail everything. Continuing forward until I have no other options left is all I can do even though everything screams to give up. No one has called and the connections I made in such a short time have nothing new either. I sent a text to her phone but no one responds anymore so I can't ask anything or get help.
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More time has passed and I got my first tip on her location but the car is useless since I can't afford the gas. She was seen during the winter festival they are having even though it's only light snow. Between hitchhiking and walking I had no hope to reach her before she was gone again. That's what I believed but luckily I received the call.
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" Hey, Jyn... Hear you plastered my picture everywhere."
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" Cat... Please don't move I don't think I can keep up much longer."
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" Is this the time to be laughing, you sound so terrible. You didn't need to go so far for me."
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" It's worth it to be this reckless. This time we will talk and that's all I ask... Just let me see you so I can tell you everything."
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" Does that still matter now?... I'm not sure it does, Jyn. It makes me happy to hear you searching for me but what makes it worth it."
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" Everything comes back to you, Cat. But if it doesn't matter to you then... Can you make this my last request?"
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" I'm waiting at the cafe watching the snowfall."
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That cafe was the sixth I visited when I first started looking for her. My body was tense the closer I got to her because it was like a dream after all. After exiting the stranger's vehicle I made my way inside looking like a homeless person no doubt, my self-care was way down but it became harder to keep up. She was sitting at a table watching the snowfall just as she said and the closer I get the more my heart races. I feel like this is just a dream waiting to turn into a nightmare.
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" You made it Jyn."
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She smiled but it wasn't the one I know best but that's okay at least she can still smile at me. Either way, nothing changes if I don't take this chance.
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" Yeah I'm sorry you had to wait on me but I'm here now, so I'll explain what happen that day."
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Quietly she sipped her cup of tip listening to me recount that night I disappeared. I take all the blame as I should have at the start but I don't oversay anything because I don't need pity. While I do feel lighter it doesn't change the truth or what I feel.
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" That is what was difficult to say, to think I waited on you over cheating. The Jyn I know wasn't a coward but she was toxic to my health."
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It stings but she was right all I did was cheat and I should have been honest from the start. Letting her walk away was my deepest regret.
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" I know... This was as far my words got and I'm not sure what I can say. Everything I feel is selfish and greedy after all."
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" The vulnerable Jyn who wasn't afraid but gave me love. She was sharing herself with someone she loved who loved her. But you often buried her even when you tried to be her, that's the Jyn I saw in you... But we got tangled up in the affairs of lust and need. I can't love that Jyn again I'm sorry."
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The toxic overbearing and possessive side of me was how this fell apart. Yet I think this can still be salvaged.
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" I can-"
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" No, not for me Jyn... You be who you want to be, but not who I want you to be. That would make me no different from you, I would be the toxic one."
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She was right but this is how I feel how can I convince her of my own willingness to change. I feel like I'll never see her again if I don't try now.
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" I don't think I ever had a way with words, Cat. I would do anything for you, anything to keep you. The best part of me was who you saw in me. I don't wanna be the reckless person anymore because I don't need it. The me you saw is who I want to be, but I'm damaged and easily scared. The world doesn't make it easy to change."
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" You came after me Jyn, so I can't disregard that. But I'm not sure who you are either when you seem conflicted. If I'm what you want then we would have to start over again, clean slate... But my heart is fragile as it's always has been."
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"Then let's compromise... Let me stay near you and show you that I'm willing to change, that I can be better. You can live however you wish and date whoever, that way you don't wait on me."
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"How can you ask me to torture you like that, it's cruel Jyn."
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"Clean slate so we are friends which means I have a chance but that also means you can live the life you wish. I never want to hinder you in life, so this is a compromise. Let me at least try to be that person and show you I can change, not just for you but for me."
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"How far will you go for me should have been a question at some point... Alright, Jyn, friends. No matter what happens ill help you find yourself."
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That's all I wanted is a chance to prove I'm not some trash who just has excuses and runs away. I wanna be the person she brings out in me.
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