The Lioness and the Lamb Chapter Four/ Part 3
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Catherine
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While I accepted her proposal it was still the most uncomfortable and cruel request someone can make. Yet looking at her face and seeing those eyes filled with desperation made my heart bleed. I couldn't reject her not that I wanted to but what should happen now. How far did she go just for this one single moment of throwing herself at my feet hoping for a small chance at redeeming herself, a question I can't ask her not yet at least. Since we had come to this point it was all or nothing and I'm sure she has nothing left for living or even eating expenses. Just like that, she was my roommate and while the small apartment wasn't large it was enough for us to start with.
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"So my room is over there which leaves you this one. It's a little smaller but it should work well enough."
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"Are you sure about this, wouldn't this make things difficult for you?"
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Do you even realize what was difficult for me to begin with, I never wanted this outcome. Would you be happy if I just forgot what we had and walked away, is that the person you think I am, or is that what you expected. Does it even matter anymore for either of us now.
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"This is where we are now, while I agree it's not ideal but what can we do. Friends can share a living space after all. Besides look at you Jyn, you are like a shell of who you were. How can I tell you to fend for yourself after seeing how poorly that's going for you."
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I wasn't trying to scold her or even try to control his she wants to live but this isn't who I fell in love with. The only part of her still alive is this clingy love that she managed to hide away from me randomly. Now it's here without the rest of her which is weird to say.
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"Get a shower and ill get you some clothes to wear. You can use whatever you want in there and when you finish we will go eat."
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She didn't argue or even joke just obediently obeyed like roles are reversed. It's so weird for me to see this but is she truly fine with this. As the sound of water started I searched everywhere for clothes that would fit her. Surprisingly I still remember her sizes and what she liked to wear most. Hell, her style at some point blended in with my own which makes this a little easier I guess. After collecting a towel and clothes for her I didn't even register our current relationship status and walked in. It's been a long time since I was her body but right now I feel nothing for her at all. This strikes my heart heavily as the realization washes over me that we may never go back to those times. Once everything is set down I exit without hesitation which brings reality even closer. It's hard to accept that I feel nothing after seeing her so bare, that's a pill ill never willingly swallow.
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After she finished up and got dressed she looked as beautiful maybe even more so than before. Yet again nothing stirs inside of me which makes this even more confusing for me to accept. Do I want her back or do I just want to know that I still feel something for her, which is it and why doesn't my heart even know the answer.
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"Alright let's head out and get some food, you must be starving."
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"Sounds good to have dinner, I'm definitely starving."
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She has become even quieter than I remember which was just adding to the pile of things wrong. Yet I accepted it and we started making our way to the restaurant. While I'm not making kits of cash I can afford some low-end places that became my favorites. I can only hope Jyn won't mind eating them since she often does a little fancier. The entire walk was silent as if we are truly strangers who just happened to be heading the same way. My mind is in chaos trying to figure things out while my heart is still like it's just so damn broken. What is it I want from this arrangement and what can I expect from it, especially when I can't get my body to react to anything relating to her.
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"Hey I think we arrived, you okay?"
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Isn't she playing this friend thing too damn well or is she doing this on purpose. I knew this would be a mistake but damn I didn't think it would be this chaotic. Is she also struggling to breathe inside this chaos, or is she at peace with all this.
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"Yeah, I'm good let's head inside."
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We grabbed our seats and while she had a slight smile on her face this was distant. Yet that's what friends are right nothing romantic or even connecting. This entire thing is sad to the point I'm hoping this is all a nightmare, even if I don't actually see Jyn again. I wish I could understand what's wrong with me and what I'm supposed to feel right now. It doesn't take long for us to order some food and then I spot those breadsticks we had once. It may not be a good idea but for some reason, I just want a damn reaction from her that screams I'm still alive. Because right now I don't know how to handle this situation at all.
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"So how is everything going, what are you doing for work.?"
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"It's going you know... Work is just a library clerk. Pays enough and if I need extra cash I can sell some homemade items."
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"That's good, do you enjoy the work and all-"
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"Hey, Kitty didn't expect to see you here."
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The one person I didn't want to see right now but I guess fate is much crueler than Jyn. His hand touches me like it always had a little more than friendly which I never minded but now I'm here with Jyn. Who does not react at all to what's happening in front of her, how much can you endure Jyn.
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"Don't you have work today?"
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"Yeah I did but a bug beast party is going down tonight, gotta be ready. You are coming right?"
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We won't survive the first day at this rate or at least I won't survive, what do I want from her exactly. Maybe a party will be the answer I need or maybe it'll be the worst decision in life.
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"Oh yeah this is Jyn, she's new in town. Mind if I bring her along?"
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"Yeah more people the better, see you later tonight."
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Jason was a friend that I met in the library who liked me a lot and tried to make many moves without success. When he leaned down to kiss the top of my head I didn't respond or react this time, I just watched Jyn who barely flinched. How can she tolerate this when you came to find me so desperately but this can't he fine in your eyes. Once Jason left our food came and no other words had been said, we just ate silently. This was like one of those marriages in movies that are finished but they stay together just because and feel nothing for each other. I even tried to eat the bread and make it obvious but she didn't even comment. Once dinner was over one thing was clear and I'm not sure why but I became desperate to find Jyn, yet she's not here anymore. How can we rekindle anything if you have become so docile?
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"Well we should probably head over to the party then, it's most likely the same place as it always is."
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She just smiles and nodded at me which left me speechless so I also smiled. Another walk between strangers that are just heading in the same direction. My mind hasn't gotten control of the chaos yet either and even more, has been added into the mix making things worse. If something doesn't change with her maybe I'll have to say goodbye to that Jyn I once knew. But how do I love this Jyn or even connect with it when she doesn't speak beyond a few sentences. Can't I just have the old Jyn who threw away bad habits is that too much of a demand, am I just that greedy if only things made sense. Maybe I should visit a counselor or maybe I can drag her to a couples therapy session. Would that provoke her enough to bring back her fire again I wonder.
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Once we arrived it didn't take long for me to get in with my plus one since I'm a vip here. Everything is like normal inside loud music and people throwing themselves to the end dancing recklessly.
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"I can grab a table if you wanna get some drinks?"
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"Sure thing."
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Does feeling defeated feel so empty and depressing because if so I reached that point. No matter how hard I try my mind can't figure anything out. After grabbing some drinks it was time to head over to Jyn while hoping something happens, but at this point, it seems like wasting my time.
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"So do you visit here a lot, I noticed you got in ahead of the line."
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"Yeah, it's kind of my regular spot I guess. I don't spend a lot of time here but enough for them to notice."
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A woman sits next to me starting a conversation while being really friendly. Again Jyn doesn't react and that's when something clicks inside my head. This is most likely how things become between people who once loved each other and then became friends. That would be the only answer to this situation but none of it matters anymore. Feeling defeated I stopped caring a let myself get lost in alcohol hoping this was a terrible dream. With this stranger getting friendly I followed her lead no longer caring what Jyn thinks. The drinks keep coming but Jason hasn't appeared yet which is strange for him. My head spins at the consumption of the drinks flowing into my system but I feel so much calmer. Before I could accept the next drink someone took it away from me and when I looked over I saw Jyn.
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"Think that's enough for now, you are beyond wasted."
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"No, I'm fine everyone's having a good time. You should to you know, maybe it'll help."
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The words became unfiltered as I spoke which worried me because I feel like a passenger in my body. The stranger even chimed in but it didn't even get a response from Jyn.
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"I'm gonna take her home, it's getting too late now."
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Before I could even utter more words I was being escorted quickly outside and home. Even though she held my wrist I still didn't feel anything from her. I could feel the fear sinking in even though I'm currently just a passenger. The walk home was far from peaceful and all I could do was watch it unfold.
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"What's wrong with you, we were just enjoying the party. You could have had a few drinks you know."
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"Someone needed to be sober enough to get us home. You clearly don't drink this heavy often."
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"You wouldn't know what I drink or how much though would you. Maybe if you had some guts or pride you would know huh."
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Even I'm not sure what these words are aiming at but the last thing I remember was wanting to provoke Jyn. Just because she did not react at all and now I'm here melting down nearly.
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"You are drunk beyond words, we should be back at the house soon."
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"Who are you Jyn?."
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"Didn't you just answer the question you asked, did you need more proof of how drunk you are."
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"No no no... The Jyn I know was a predator who had a fire inside. She wouldn't just sit while someone else felt my breast or shoved her hand between my legs. She nearly had my shirt off and you didn't even bat an eye, you are not Jyn."
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The many words I said had been mixed into my confused chaotic mind and they all plagued me. Who is she trying to be right now or What even are we right now.
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"What would you have me do, Cat. I'm just following the agreement we have."
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"Yeah, that's right, agreement. But let me tell you something that I know is going to happen. You think you lost me before but if you think this weak and pathetic side of you will get me back you are wrong. I wanna feel your protection and comfort, if I wanted a friend why would I choose you to fill that role. You and I can only be friends when we are dating, but we are not even doing that. So what even is this really."
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A reaction was plastered on her face even her eyes had that look of holding back a dam. Those words may have been a little too harsh but I couldn't stop myself and my emotions are running high right now. All I can do is apologize later but would it even matter. She never responded or even commented instead I was taken back to the house and soon found myself in bed. This day is worst than a nightmare and right now I wanna disappear more than anything. Why did I have to hurt her so badly tonight, couldn't I just accept things as they are between us. In the end, I knew this entire thing would be a mistake but somehow I still can't fully regret agreeing. I just wish Jyn was here right now holding me again so I know everything would be okay or maybe if I had just fully let go of everything connecting us.
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