Harry was alone for the first time in weeks. It seemed that his friends had always made sure that he was never alone. Not that they had admitted that to him, but even when he wasn’t expecting his friends to show up, one of them always did. It even seemed like Dylan was on board with it, even though he was struggling with his own issues. But Saturday morning, before the Hufflepuff versus Gryffindor match, the second last game of the year, Harry found himself on his own.
Harry hadn’t stayed in the Great Hall for breakfast like he usually did; instead, Harry grabbed an apple and a piece of toast before leaving. He made sure to wish both Harvey and Cedric luck and promised to cheer for both of them at the game. As he left, Harry had waited for someone to appear beside him; Carlisle, Jenna, Dylan, Will, but not one of them did. It made Harry stop and look around, but nobody materialized.
While Harry appreciated his friend's company, he did enjoy his time alone. And when he woke up that morning, he found himself needing the time to think. For the past few weeks, he had carried around the letter that his mother had written to him. Harry never opened it; the weight in his pocket reminded him that it was there and what he needed to do. Snape had been the one who had helped Harry decide; for months, he had avoided thinking about his mother, Harvey had never brought her up, neither had his father, and Harry had appreciated the support his family was giving him. But to completely heal and not find himself back at square one, Harry knew that he’d need to face his mother. A letter wasn’t going to fix their issues; they needed to have a conversation.
Harry knew that Lily was coming to the quidditch matches. Sirius and Harvey had both told him that Lily and James had come to the last two games but hadn’t wanted to bother him. Harry figured that Lily would do the same thing for Harvey’s game; since he was playing Hufflepuff that day, it made sense that she would show up. Harry decided that it would be the easiest way to catch her, and they could talk. He wasn’t certain what he wanted to say, but he didn’t think waiting until the school year was over would help. If anything, he knew it would only push them further apart.
Trying to decide what to say when he would see his mother left him stumped. There were so many thoughts and feelings towards her and about the situation they found themselves in that he didn’t know how to articulate them; he didn’t want to scream, he didn’t want to cry; what he wanted was to understand. Harry already knew that his mother had regrets, she had already cried in his arms and apologised for her choices, but nothing she had already said had helped. It only made Harry feel guilty that he was causing her pain.
The sun was shining outside, the perfect day for quidditch, but Harry found his feet wandering through the castle. He munched on his apple as he walked, not really paying attention to whom he passed or if anyone acknowledged him. He ended up in the courtyard and took a seat on the edge of the fountain. A few students were milling about, but they paid him no mind.
Harry didn’t know if the relationship between him and his mother would ever really heal. For so long, he has wanted to feel like he was the son that Lily wanted, that he had made her proud. But she had always been so focused on Harvey and keeping Harvey safe. He was the one who Voldemort had been after, and by some miracle, Harvey had survived; it seemed that Lily would forget that Harry had been in the room too; he survived the crazy Dark Lord the same as Harvey, he just didn’t have the scar. On some level, Harry wanted to believe that Lily had never forgotten about him, that she knew inside that Sirius was keeping him safe, that White Oak Manor was probably the safest place a child could grow up. But how did Mother hand her child off to be raised by someone else? Even if that person was the Father, wouldn’t the Mother want to be right there, helping?
Rubbing the heel of his palms against his eyes, Harry sighed. He wondered if it were possible for him to ever be a normal teenager.
“Harry?”
Harry jumped. He hadn’t expected someone to say his name.
“Hermoine.”
The frizzy brown-haired Gryffindor smiled at him. She had quickly become friends with Harvey after the troll incident, and Harry was glad she had been able to fit in.
“What are you doing out here all on your own?” she asked.
“Contemplating,” he said.
Hermione sat down beside him. “That sounds very serious.”
“I suppose it is.”
“Can I ask what about?” She tilted her head to the side.
Harry said, “My mother.”
Hermione’s eyes widened. “Oh. Harvey mentioned that you were upset with her.”
“That is one way to put it, but it’s a lot more complicated than that.” Harry sighed.
“Did she ground you?”
Harry laughed. “No. No, she didn’t ground me.”
“Well, if she did make you sad, she probably regrets it.”
“What makes you say that?” he asked.
She said, “I know not everyone has a great relationship with their Mum, I know that I am very fortunate to have my parents, but I feel like every Mum, no matter the choices they make, they are trying their best. What we kids forget is that their human like everyone else; we all make mistakes, we don’t always do the right thing, and people around us get hurt because of those choices. Everyone deserves a chance to make amends and to be given a second chance, sometimes even a third.”
Harry asked, “Are you sure you weren’t supposed to be in Ravenclaw?”
Hermione smiled. “Who knows?” She shrugged. “You coming to the game?”
Harry nodded. “That I am.”
“Okay, maybe I’ll see you after when Gryffindor wins. Bye, Harry.”
Harry watched her go and smiled. She was right; his mother had made mistakes, and she deserved the chance to make things right. It didn’t mean that Harry was going to forgive and forget, that probably wouldn’t happen, and if it did, it would take a long time. But he wanted to try.
Leaving the courtyard, Harry headed back towards the Great Hall. He would join his friends, and after the game, he would find his mum. But as he reached the entrance hall, he stopped.
Harvey was standing in his quidditch gear, talking excitedly with James, their mother standing beside him. Lily looked tired, dark circles were under her eyes, but she had a smile on her face. She reached over to stroke Harvey’s cheek before laughing at something he said.
His feet moved before he had a chance to second guess the direction; he made his way over to them. Harvey was the one who spotted him first; he froze mid-word, clearly surprised that Harry had come over.
“Harry,” Harvey glanced between him and Lily.
Lily’s mouth dropped open, and a few different expression crossed her face.
“Hi Mum,” said Harry.
Lily smiled at him, and she opened her arms to hug him. Harry might have hesitated if he had seen her sooner, but he didn’t. He stepped into her arms and hugged her. It was only a moment later that Lily’s body trembled, and he heard her sniff and then sob. Harry squeezed her in his arms and leant his head against hers. No matter how mad or hurt he was, he had missed his mum.
“Harvey, let’s give them a minute,” said James.
Harry noticed the two of them walk away, but Lily didn’t let go. She held onto him tightly.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.” She pressed a kiss to his head.
“I know,” he said. “But being sorry won’t fix everything.”
Lily nodded. “I know that. I have a lot to make up for.”
Harry pulled back to look at her. She cupped his cheeks. He looked at her red eyes and wet cheeks. He hated making her cry. He wiped them away. “Harvey gave me your letter.”
“And?”
“I haven’t read it.”
Lily’s face dropped. “Oh.”
“Mum, I understand what you were trying to do. You figured because I didn’t want to see you that writing it all down would help.”
She nodded.
“But what we need to talk about needs to be done face to face, hopefully without too many tears and both of us actually listening,” said Harry.
Lily took a shaky breath. “Alright. Then let’s talk. Maybe somewhere with fewer eyes.”
Harry glanced around and realised that there were a few students watching them. “Yeah, good idea. But after the game.”
Lily nodded. “Okay, great. But before you go, James did want to have a word with you.”
Harry frowned.
She squeezed his arm. “He wants to apologise.”
That wasn’t something he had expected. “Really?”
“Yeah. I think this whole situation has made all of us realise that we need to do better. James knows that he shouldn’t have been holding my mistakes and your father's mistakes against you. He has promised to try,” explained Lily.
“Will admit that I didn’t expect that.” Harry scratched the back of his head.
Harvey popped up beside them and grabbed both their arms. He smiled. “Are you two done? Cause I was hoping to steal my brother so that he can tell me all of Cedric’s weakness?”
Harry smirked. “We are done, for now, yes. But I’m not going to tell you anything about Cedric.”
Harvey pouted. “Why not?”
“Because if you’re are anything like your old man, you will have no problem kicking Hufflepuff’s butt,” said James. He placed his hand on Harvey’s shoulder.
“James, honestly,” chided Lily.
“What?” asked James. He smirked. “Potter men are just naturally gifted at Quidditch.”
“I don’t know about that,” said Harry, “Harvey did almost swallow his first snitch.”
Harvey gave Harry a look of surprise, as did James. Harry hadn’t really thought before he spoke; it was just the normal sarcastic comment he would have made to his friends whenever they talk about Quidditch.
“How did you catch your first snitch?” asked Harvey, looking at Harry.
“I believe he lept from his broom,” said Lily.
Harry smiled. “You remember that?”
She nodded. “Yes, I remember that. You ended up in the Hospital Wing, and I was so panicked that you had broken something that Sirius had to bar me from the room so that Madam Pomfrey could heal you.”
“I didn’t know that,” said Harry.
Lily sighed and shrugged.
Harry wondered what else he didn’t know.
“I think your worst reaction was still when Harry was two and swallowed that potion,” said James.
“What potion?” asked Harry.
Lily groaned. “I left a potion vial on the coffee table and went into the kitchen for not even a second, I came back, and you had popped it open and drunk the thing.”
“Seriously?” asked Harvey giggling. “Please tell me it turned him blue or something.”
Lily shook her head, a smiling taking over her face. “No. It wasn’t harmful, thank Merlin. He just had really bad gas for two days.”
“Stunk out the house,” said James.
They all laughed.
Harry had never had such a normal conversation with James, Harvey and their mother. They ended up walking down to the Quidditch pitch, just talking. Harry noticed that Lily had her arm linked with his the whole way down and only released him to hug Harvey and wish him good luck when they reached the changing rooms. It was nice to have a happy moment with them, but there was still a lot they needed to talk about.
“This is where we go our separate ways,” said Harry.
They were at the entrance to the stands, and Harry wanted to go find his friends.
Lily smiled and nodded. “After the game, you and I talk.”
Harry nodded. “Yes.”
“I love you,” she said and pulled him in for a hug.
Harry squeezed her. “I love you too.”
Lily stepped back and glanced at James; she gave him a small look before stepping away from them.
James hesitated and clenched his jaw. “Look,” he said, “I have been a complete asshole to you, I know that. And while it probably isn’t an excuse, I will admit that I have held onto a lot of anger towards Sirius and Lily; instead of blaming Lily, I blamed you, and that isn’t far.”
“No, it isn’t,” said Harry.
“I think it is about time that I let go of that anger and make up for how I’ve treated you if you would let me. I can already see that you and Harvey have gotten close, as you should always have been, and I know I can see how happy that has made him.” James adjusted his glasses. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry, I suck and thank you for giving my son a chance.”
Harry smiled and held his hand out to James. He took it and shook. Harry said, “I appreciate the apology. And there is no thanks needed when it comes to Harvey. He is my brother, and just like you, I let my anger control how I acted. So I get it.”
“You’re a good young man, Harry. You remind me a lot of Sirius when we were your age,” said James.
Harry snorted. “What? Emotionally damaged and crazy family drama?”
James snorted out a laugh. “Not quite what I meant.”
As Harry found his friends in the Quidditch stands, he noticed that he felt lighter. The weight had lifted just a bit more. Things he wasn’t expecting were happening, and while it was startling, they were welcomed changes. James’ apology was a surprise, but as he said to James, the tension between the two of them was the same as what Harry had held against Harvey. With Harvey forgiving Harry and the two of them finding that brotherly bond that deep down they both had wanted, Harry knew James deserved the same chance.
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The game was probably the shortest one of the year. Hufflepuff just couldn’t seem to keep up with Gryffindor’s chasers. Harvey did have to race Cedric to catch the snitch, it was very close, but Harvey managed to reach it first, giving Gryffindor it’s third victory of the year.
Harry had clapped proudly as Harvey landed on the pitch and celebrated with his team before making his way out of the stands with his friends. Carlisle walked beside him and was commenting on how quick Harvey was on his broom.
“Honestly, I think the reason Harvey is so fast is because he’s so small,” said Carlisle.
Harry said, “Possibly. After all, Cedric is almost—what—six foot something.”
“I wonder how you will do against him? Nervous about competing against your brother?” asked Carlisle.
Harry shrugged. “No. I don’t get nervous. Besides, I think Harvey needs to lose, at least once.” He smiled and slung his arm over Carlisle’s shoulders. “Just like you. Losing makes you humble.”
Carlisle shoved him playfully. “If anyone needs to be humbled, it’s you.”
The boys laughed as they stepped out into the sunshine. Most of the crowd was headed back to the castle; some were diverting towards Hogsmeade. Harry stopped as they walked passed the changing rooms and tried to see if he could spot his mother’s head. When he didn’t see her, he separated from his friends and moved to the side to wait. It was almost ten minutes later that she appeared, Sirius beside her.
Sirius smiled widely when he noticed Harry. “There you are; we’ve been looking for you.”
Harry stepped forward to hug his dad. “Hey, I didn’t know you were here.”
“I got here late, just after the game started. Your Grandmother was causing grief as usual,” said Sirius.
Harry smirked. “What were you doing over there?”
Sirius didn’t willingly go over and spend time with his parents for no reason. Normally, the face to face visits only happened when Harry was around.
Sirius cringed. “She was complaining about us missing the Black Christmas Ball.”
Harry sighed. “Yeah, completely forgot all about that.”
“Given the circumstances, shouldn’t your mother understand?” asked Lily.
Both Sirius and Harry laughed.
Sirius said, “Lily, be grateful you have never met my mother. But unless you are physically dead, there is no excuse good enough.”
Lily frowned.
“She will get over it,” said Harry. “I’ll just visit her, and she will forgive me.”
“You maybe, but I’ll be hearing about it till she is dead,” said Sirius.
The three of them moved away from the Quidditch pitch. Harry found himself enjoying the few minutes that he had both his parents with him. Before everything that happened, it was moments like this he craved. No, Harvey, no, James. Just them. Harry wouldn’t have minded so much if Harvey was with them now, but he still liked feeling important to his parents.
They came to the fork in the path that would either lead towards the castle or to Hogsmeade, and Sirius stopped.
He said, “Lily mentioned that you two are going to talk, which I am very proud of you for doing, by the way.” Sirius squeezed Harry’s shoulder. “But I did want to ask you if you wanted me there?”
Harry hadn’t thought about it. The relationship between him and Sirius had been really good the past few months, Harry had felt comfortable opening up to him, and Sirius seemed to be really trying to be supportive and helpful.
“I only mentioned it to your father because I thought you might like to have someone you feel comfortable listening to us; that way, you have support,” said Lily.
Harry smiled and nodded. “Yeah, Dad, if you could stay, that would be good.”
Sirius returned the smile, and the three of them headed towards Hogsmeade.
As they walked towards the village, Lily and Sirius kept up most of the chatter. Harry dropped a few comments in, but the two of them seemed to ramble. Harry found himself thinking about what his mother said. Sirius was here to support him. It seemed that his mother was admitting that she wasn’t supporting him, not in the way he needed. He wondered if that was something that would change between them? Harry couldn’t picture himself sitting down and talking to her about issues that he was having if it related to James or Harvey; not that he expected there to be issues, it was certain that at some point, Harry and Harvey would argue or annoy one another, and there was a possibility of James and Harry disagreeing, but Harry never wanted to burden his mother with his issues that related to her family. How was he supposed to start doing that when things were supposed to be getting better? Wouldn’t that cause more chaos between them? And if he didn’t confide in her like he did his father, would that hurt her?
It was dawning on Harry that this would probably be a lot trickier to work out than he first thought. His mind had originally been focused on forgiveness and if that was possible. He still wasn’t sure. Harry was enjoying these moments with his mum, they felt like a normal family, but these moments couldn’t erase what had happened and how he felt.
The three of them arrived at Three Broomsticks Inn to find it busy, but Sirius managed to get them a table while Lily went to order them something to drink. They were huddled in the furthest corner from the door, and Harry happily noted that not many other Hogwarts students were nearby. He didn’t need someone overhearing and spreading his issues around the school.
The gossip train was bad enough at Hogwarts when everyone had learned that Harvey was Harry’s younger brother. He was bombarded by students asking him about what it was like growing up with ‘The-Boy-Who-Lived’. If it hadn’t been for Jenna and Carlisle running interference with the other students, Harry probably would have knocked a few of them out.
As they sat down, Sirius leant against the table and asked, “How you feeling about this?”
Harry shrugged. “Honestly, not sure. I know this is a conversation Mum and I need to have. It isn’t going to just disappear. But I’m worried about what will happen.”
Sirius nodded slowly. “I get that.” He lifted an arm and placed it on Harry’s shoulder. “Just remember that you need to be honest with her. I know it’s hard expressing your feelings to her of all people; you have spent so long trying to protect her that it would be natural for you to just pretend it’s okay. But you can’t do that. It won’t fix things between you two, and it won’t help you in the long run, okay?”
Harry nodded. He knew his father was right.
Lily returned to the table with three butter beers. She smiled as she sat down and said, “I don’t remember the last time I had one of these.”
Sirius frowned. “Didn’t you bring Harvey here after his first Quidditch game?”
She nodded. “We did, but I didn’t have one.”
Harry took a sip of his drink and swirled the sweet liquid over his tongue. He didn’t know what to say or how to start the conversation.
Lily looked at him, and her warm smile grew sad. She rubbed her palms on her pants and sighed. She then said, “I want to start by saying that I want you to be completely honest. No matter how much you believe it might hurt my feelings, I need to hear exactly how you feel and what you think needs to change.”
Harry clasped his hands tightly around his drink. “Okay.” He took a long drink.
Sirius waited silently, his eyes on Harry. He nudged him when he didn’t speak after a moment.
Harry sighed. “I feel like you regret keeping me.” If he thought about it, Harry probably would have chosen something else to start with, but it had been the first thing to pop up.
Lily recoiled at the words but just nodded.
“Ever since I can really remember, Harvey has been the number one most important thing in your life. Everything you have ever done is about keeping him safe, making sure that he has everything he needs. And I understand why; that Halloween night scared everyone. Dad moved us into the safest place he knew.” Harry swallowed. “But what I don’t understand is why didn’t you care as much about me.” His voice cracked. His grip tightened even more against his drink, his nails digging into the metal. “I was in that room the same as Harvey. I survived that night, just like Harvey. But no one cared because I don’t have a scar.”
A tear fell down Lily’s cheek, which she wiped away.
“And it wasn’t just Harvey. Growing up, if James didn’t like something, you would go out of your way to change it. To keep him happy, you gave me to Dad to raise full time on his own. I know you took me on the weekends, but not every weekend like it was supposed to be. At the last minute, you would cancel because of James. And then when Harvey was born, it was like I was a nuisance that kept interrupting your perfect family.”
The words just poured out. Harry felt the anger and the sadness that had been calm for so long swell in his chest. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t do that. His mother was already trying to stop her tears.
“I’m so angry, Mum,” said Harry. “I’m angry at you because you chose Harvey and James over me.”
Lily took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”
“I know that you’re sorry. You’ve told me a thousand times that you’re sorry. But that doesn’t change the fact that you shoved me aside, and then when it was convenient for you, I would get your attention.”
Sirius rested his hand on Harry’s arm. Harry looked at him with a silent question. Sirius said, “Watch your level.” His voice was low.
Harry looked up and noticed a few people close by were looking at him. He glared at them, and they quickly turned away. He hadn’t noticed his voice had gotten louder.
Lily said, “I know that saying I’m sorry doesn’t change anything. I have no excuse to give you that will justify what I did. When I gave you to your father so that you could live with him, I thought it would make everyone happy. James would be able to forgive me and that he would one day love you. I thought that being there on the weekends would be enough, just until James was ready.”
“But he never was,” said Harry.
Lily wiped her eyes. “No. He never moved on, just kept holding onto that anger. I kept telling myself, ‘one day!’ But that day never came. And because of that, I missed out on so much.” She picked up her drink and took a sip. She licked the foam from her top lip and said, “But I don’t want to miss out anymore. I am going to make sure that both you and Harvey are equal. Both of you will be my number one.”
“I want to believe you,” said Harry.
Lily reached out across the table.
Harry took her hand.
“I am going to make you believe by doing exactly that. And if I’m not, I want you to yell and scream and make sure I know that I’m fucking up again. I’ll tell Harvey the same thing.” Lily squeezed Harry’s hand. “I know that we might not get there soon. I don’t expect you to have forgiven me by the end of school or by next year. But I will never stop trying to make this up to you for the rest of your life.”
It is what he had always wanted to hear. He would be Lily’s number one priority, equal to Harvey. Neither one of them was more important than the other. Harry hoped that his mother could keep her promise; he hoped that one day the anger and the pain would be a faded memory that he wouldn’t need to worry about.
They left the Three Broomsticks together and walked back to the castle. Lily had her arm wrapped around Harry, a wide smile on her face. When they reached the castle, Lily let Harry say goodbye to Sirius before she pulled out a box from her handbag.
Harry took it and frowned.
Lily smiled. “Your birthday present.”
Harry sighed. He didn’t like celebrating his birthday. It was back in February, and he had made certain that his father and friends didn’t do anything. He hadn’t even told Fleur when it was. Every year before, it had been a horrid reminder of why his life was miserable, and that wasn’t something he liked to celebrate.
“Mum…”
Lily said, “Just open it. You might not like your birthday, but it’s important to me.”
Harry let out a hefty sigh and ripped open the paper. Inside was a leather-bound notebook. On the front, embroidered was his name; Harrison Regulus Black. It was beautiful.
“Thank you,” he said.
Lily smiled widely. “It is for your potions. It is spelled to never run out of pages. You can spend your whole life keeping track of every potion you make, create or improve and then maybe pass it down to your future children.”
Harry hugged her and kissed the side of her head. “Thanks, Mum. I love it.”
Lily hugged him back tightly. “You’re welcome, baby.”
As they said goodbye, Harry looked down at the leather journal. It gave him hope for his future. Gifts wouldn’t fix their relationship, but her consideration would. It was a small thing, but Harry was glad that things seemed to be looking up.
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