(this was really hard to censor ya'll. . .gotta keep it pg-13 tho, the uncensored is on my profile)
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I shifted uncomfortably as the King paced back and forth. I was trained, night and day, every day for my life, to become a royal guard. Only for the armor to be uncomfortable and my job to babysit the King.
The King, actually named James Hildergard III, had recently had his very own daughter stolen from him. My brothers joke that she left him. All she ever does is sit in her room, reading anyway. Who on Earth reads when you are literal royalty? Isn't there fun royalty stuff to be doing?
Back to the story.
There I was, standing with a giant sword between my legs. I only use it for special occasions. Cue a long dirty joke.
"How could this happen?" The King bellowed, his voice echoing throughout the throne room. I flinched. I could've sworn he was going to tar me that very instant.
"Sir, if I can speak," I said, speaking through my helmet.
He turned to me. Not to be overly blunt, but the King himself was quite a large man. He had a long, gray beard that flowed when he walked. He was decorated in a blue outfit, that was decorated in gold with a dragon that he supposedly 'slayed'. U-huh. Keep telling yourself that, 'almighty' James.
"Sir, with all due respect, she was in the forest outside of the kingdom after countless tries of asking her to go back to the castle,"
"I know!" he shouted, catching me off guard, "I know."
Soon, we heard a Shave and a Haircut knock on the massive bronze doors. I turned, my hand on my sword.
"You may enter," The King replied, rubbing his fingers on his temples.
A female knight entered, breathing heavily. "Sir?"
"Yes?" The King breathed.
"Sir, we heard from a commoner that Princess Hildegard was captured by those of the . . . the outsiders, sir."
"Those outlandish beasts! I knew it was them!" The King roared. His slapped his hand on the massive round table. The table was holding an ancient map, with a bunch of red marks signaling places we've conquered.
"You!" The King shouted, pointing his finger at me.
I turned my head. The female knight slowly backed up.
"Go the outsiders and get my daughter back! If you don't come back in three days time, consider yourself just another commoner. If you do, you will be the highest ranking knight in all of this kingdom! Now go!"
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So off I went, out of the castle walls, into the forest. My very elegant horse, named Gluteus Maximus, galloped along the forest, his mane practically flowing against the afternoon sun.
You think standing is bad in armor? Ho-ho, imagine sitting in a saddle. Yeah, there's nothing liberating about that, if you ask me.
Beyond the trail, I saw a group of monsters.
"Oh, alas, the horror, Gluteus Maximus!" I said, slowing down into a trot. I patted his golden mane.
My sword was only for special occasions, after all, so I would have to come up with an idea to ward the monsters off.
Then I had an idea. "Onward!" I commanded to my loyal steed. He galloped toward them
They squealed like pigs when I approached. "Make way, or die at my hand," I declared, looking down at them.
"No way, pipsqueak! What, do you think you can kill us? Yeah, right!" They laughed amongst themselves.
It was at that moment when I got ready for my killer strike. I cracked my knuckles, rolled my shoulders, cracked my head from right to left, and cleared my throat.
"Thy mother!"
They all gasped, flabbergasted in my killer remark.
"That. . . You took that way too far, man!" One of them said as they started to fade away into specks of dust.
I laughed gallantly as I was finally able to cross the bridge. The bridge was the last thing in this forest owned by the Kingdom, so obviously, it was made of stone.
I liked having all creatures in this forest bow down to me. Those monsters will now die with my face the last thing they see. Kinda dark, but eh.
Onward I went, with my loyal steed.
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It was then when I approached the dark, cave-man like castle. It disgusted me, a man of royalty and honor. In front of the castle, well, I guess their form of security was a beast.
This beast was tall and wide in all directions. I had three eyes on the top of its head, with a gaping mouth pooling drool. Its nails were green and overgrown, and its hair was all over the place.
Again, my sword was for only special occasions, as aforesaid.Cue another long dirty joke.
"No, not yet my dear. Your time will come," I whispered gently.
The beast stomped in my direction, the ground almost shaking with every step.
"Halt!" I thundered, "May you make one more move, and you will perish at my breath. If you allow me passage, no harm will be done."
The beast made an odd face and scratched its bumpy head, as if it was thinking or something. What would a beast such as this need to be thinking about?
The beast roared, clenching its fists. I saw spit fly from its open mouth. Its breath.
I gagged, trying to keep my dignity. "Is this an act of war? Then war it will be!" I demanded. That is when I had to get ready for my killer strike.
The beast roared once again, as I got ready cracking every bone I could.
"Thy mother!" I yelled, watching in pride as the beast would've faded away into specks of dust. But it didn't. All it did was make it become angrier.
"Gah!" I exclaimed, watching in horror as it stomped towards me. My Gluteus Maximus was becoming frightened. Plan ß!! I needed a plan ß!!!
"Ah, ah," I said, trying to think. "Aye! Thy mother is gay! For me!"
"Graaaaaagh!" The monster grumbled, falling to its knees. Works like a witch's charm, I'll tell you!
"Hahaha! Thy have been warned!" I said, for no reason whatsoever. Gluteus Maximus and I moved foreword, crossing the bridge to the outsider's castle. Below the bridge was burning lava. I made sure I crossed the bridge quickly.
"My beloved Gluteus Maximus, this is where we shall part. You have served me in the toughest of times. But trust me, no feat was too big! If I don't come out by nightfall, consider me dead. May you run free for all eternity," I sighed, rubbing my hand on his mane.
He watched me lovingly as I pushed the doors open into the castle.
The castle inside was just as grotesque as the outside. The walls were covered with some sort of gunk, and the carpets where of some dead animal. It was also painted an odd purple.
"Hello?" I called into the castle, my voice echoing through the empty room. "Princess Hildegard? I am here to save you!"
I heard something behind me. I turned, to see multiple monsters already on my tail. Before I could even let out a scream, they had me.
Darkness.
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The bag over my head lifted. I was helmet-less. I was sitting in what seemed to be a throne room. The throne was made of bones.
"That bag was putrid," I declared. But I couldn't stand. My hands were tied back, along with my legs.
I heard the strut of shoes coming from my left. And that was when I saw her. Princess Hildegard.
"Princess!" I shouted. She payed me no attention. Her hair was wild, and she was dressed in a warrior fashion. Her heels were made of bones. She looked down to me from the throne. She was a very nice looking lady.
"I am no princess," she spat, as if the word was poison. "I am a Queen! And who are you?"
I gulped. "I am the King's royal knight." Who would've thought that I trained night and day, every day, just to be captured while also
"Hah! Hahahaha!" she laughed, getting up from her throne. She stepped right in front of me. "You aren't that knightly, then, are you?" she had a smirk on her face.
"I. . ." I couldn't fashion anything to say, for a moment. I was in awe. "I was sent to bring you home, my Queen,"
"Home?" she shouted. "I am home. There is no going back. For me or for you."
"For me?" I asked.
"No. I've taken a liking towards you," she said, stepping back.
My instant thought was about my sword. She had stripped my of my helmet and my manlihood!
"Looking for this?" she remarked dropping it in front of me.
Clang.
"I need to only use it for special occasions, my Queen," I declared.
Cue a really long dirty joke.
"You will now be my prince," she declared.
"Wouldn't that make me King?" I questioned.
"No!" she shouted. I flinched.
"You will be a prince. My prince. Guards, untie him!"
The smelly old guards came to untie me. I could finally stand.
"Can I have my sword now?" I asked, bending down to reach it.
"No!"
I accepted her rules and slowly backed away from it. I surprisingly wasn't sad, or mad. I had always secretly dreamed of being royalty, and if this was the best I was going to get, I wasn't going to complain.
This is the life, I thought, sitting back in my throne.
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