INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON
Stable shopkeeper DR GREGORY BUTTERSCOTCH is arguing with sweet housekeeper MASTER HARRY CHAN. GREGORY tries to hug HARRY but he shakes him off.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAE1L0DzE72y
Please Harry, don't leave me.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAgBk62DVCNu
I'm sorry Gregory, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANApWWjlfuiWU
I am such a person!
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HARRY frowns.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANApOjnkorGZB
I'm sorry, Gregory. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
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HARRY leaves.
GREGORY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, hopeful doctor MRS CHANTAL MALKOVICH barges in looking flustered.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANARuPBnQB0Pc
Goodness, Chantal! Is everything okay?
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAE69qZkUjRI
I'm afraid not.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAjcwSIBrnZg
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAtWSoDacUyb
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien exterminate a bunch of swimmers!
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAWMI6jWxRLa
Defenseless swimmers?
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAec526oKoPm
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAhzAWRSWcZi
Bloomin' heck, Chantal! We've got to do something.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAXgnnZcgGZ4
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAMX5bOE177f
You can start by telling me where this happened.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAwu2BPLT9Il
I was...
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CHANTAL fans herself and begins to wheeze.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAul9KsOcOhX
Focus Chantal, focus! Where did it happen?
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANADY5IyObl7Z
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
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GREGORY springs up and begins to run.
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EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
GREGORY rushes along the street, followed by CHANTAL. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
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INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
SHARON PIGEON a spiteful alien terrorises two swimmers.
GREGORY, closely followed by CHANTAL, rushes towards SHARON, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAy80lNPeaQo
What is is? What's the matter?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAXKakQnojhu
That's not just any old alien, that's Sharon Pigeon!
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANA5rGOMQmffZ
Who's Sharon Pigeon?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZAD0Waq3L
Who's Sharon Pigeon? Who's Sharon Pigeon? Only the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAMGEDFxwGkF
Blinkin' knickers, Gregory! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAWixllFnGiM
You can say that again.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAV0JkiY0sE8
Blinkin' knickers, Gregory! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAfetcfT5cBx
I'm going to need ropes, lots of ropes.
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Sharon turns and sees Gregory and Chantal. She grins an evil grin.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAQLFhEAAkxC
Gregory Butterscotch, we meet again.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAEOgE81yJYp
You've met?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA4obSFya1OC
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
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EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young GREGORY is sitting in a park listening to some drum and bass music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees SHARON. He takes off his headphones.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAanq9qugMYU
Would you like some chocolate?
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GREGORY's eyes light up, but then he studies SHARON more closely, and looks uneasy.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAhh3XzvsguA
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAnYh7fIHhBi
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful alien in the world.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANApvxi7sDV8P
Wait, you're a alien?
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GREGORY runs away, screaming.
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INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAmVToiDMtwC
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAeJTp1eVSTr
(To GREGORY) You ran away?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAK1DvDu5Kfe
(To CHANTAL) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
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GREGORY turns to SHARON.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAzITMjuaHSQ
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
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GREGORY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAdWTUniicnI
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with ropes.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAGXfx8XEOaV
I'm not scared of you.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAZuegi8fIDP
You should be.
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EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY
GREGORY and CHANTAL walk around searching for something.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAWo3I1tyKgD
I feel sure I left my ropes somewhere around here.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANApL6294fDOP
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly ropes.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAM3GGRCavts
You know nothing Chantal Malkovich.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAhdbFsKUiG1
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
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Suddenly, SHARON appears, holding a pair of ropes.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANANhfoytxYH0
Looking for something?
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAPBNr2QJLv0
Crikey, Gregory, she's got your ropes.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAd0bZEvH4uR
Tell me something I don't already know!
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAu2wO52ioqu
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA2Ep0Us2ES6
I know that already!
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAoZ8fzFQrXv
I pick my nose and eat it.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAsWNFHYUfqi
(appalled) Dude!
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While SHARON is looking at CHANTAL with disgust, GREGORY lunges forward and grabs his deadly ropes. He wields them, triumphantly.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAEIzQZTOipB
Prepare to die, you spiteful cauliflower!
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAjKsAH6xgkZ
No please! All I did was exterminate a bunch of swimmers!
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HARRY enters, unseen by any of the others.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAETFUQQByZW
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Gregory Butterscotch defender of innocent swimmers.
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANANwSEqGdtUN
Don't hurt me! Please!
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA7wcOejHttX
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these ropes on you right away!
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANA1gO7iMVFgN
Because Gregory, I am your mother.
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GREGORY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANANPNwLUeFU3
No you're not!
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SHARON154Please respect copyright.PENANAaCf3zU9cMg
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
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SHARON tries to grab the ropes but GREGORY dodges out of the way.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAwoCBDiufbH
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
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Unexpectedly, SHARON slumps to the ground.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAhcIHarPOyi
Did she just faint?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA81Wj3dV2Zb
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly ropes.
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GREGORY crouches over SHARON's body.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAbLfq8AP2EB
Be careful, Gregory. It could be a trick.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAc4fjBaRh7E
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sharon Pigeon is dead!
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAT7YNfdZS5Q
What?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAxFYUPcWp1s
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
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CHANTAL claps her hands.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANABwnDM09zRG
So your ropes did save the day, after all.
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HARRY steps forward.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAWxntqjlaxP
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful alien?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAJca8Xuphbj
Harry how long have you been...?
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HARRY puts his arm around GREGORY.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAxS3KBK0U8B
Long enough.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAwT6vkA7yAh
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sharon Pigeon.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANA0QQ8hp8LeT
Then the swimmers are safe?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAZmlJAc1HeD
It does seem that way!
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A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAGVciVFgib8
You are their hero.
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The swimmers bow to GREGORY.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANABT1kYY5KZQ
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sharon Pigeon will never exterminate swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANA1ZEqx1xQWV
You are humble as well as brave!
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One of the swimmers passes GREGORY a magic ring
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANATMjZRw6Pbm
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA06yV91JGqq
I couldn't possibly.
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Pause.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAltnX793sfZ
Well, if you insist.
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GREGORY takes the ring.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAUfU0DBoIJ6
Thank you.
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The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
GREGORY turns to HARRY.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA78FexkmdnG
Does this mean you want me back?
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANANmZqbg3YP1
Oh, Gregory, of course I want you back!
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GREGORY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAn9eSL7KAjh
Well you can't have me.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAvo41cNezHZ
WHAT?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANARtkqqRHzWr
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAbJfKyoZvRk
But...
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAswL8ysAl9H
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Chantal.
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CHANTAL grins.
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANAbKlkEonFuq
But...
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAhs78dp38ZN
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
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HARRY154Please respect copyright.PENANALqcxlD9vEq
Gregory?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANAN0GomXyZ9p
I'm sorry Harry, but I think you should skidaddle.
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HARRY leaves.
CHANTAL turns to GREGORY.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAY5RyAT9KLS
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
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GREGORY154Please respect copyright.PENANA6hPa2Rwpia
Of course you are!
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The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CHANTAL stops.
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CHANTAL154Please respect copyright.PENANAridqX6IX4A
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
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THE END
ns 15.158.61.8da2