This is the part where I say, I love you.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRi87NK45P
I open my mouth, draw in a deep breath, and am promptly knocked unconscious by a delicate china coffee cup disagreeing with my temple. I'm not sure which one shattered first.
Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if it were a story.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekKyXSmfzj
First of all, it would be far more interesting; after all, stories are rarely as boring as my daily routine.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4vO0B9gWT
It goes a bit like this: I wake up at six, I brush my teeth, make breakfast (usually cereal, leftovers from takeaway the night before, or Gladys'), catch an update on the radio, and - oh, stuff it. Even I don't want to hear about that.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECYb89Grcx
Secondly, I wouldn't always be so bloody miserable. Protagonists in books are hardly ever miserable, and I hope that someday I could amount to something more than the minor character 'annoyed guy across the street', no?920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QV0WMUQ5R
Thirdly, I should have had a happy ending by now.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcR9Zc7yS9B
I mean, seriously, I'm twenty-nine. And as everyone knows, the age of thirty is practically death. I live alone in a small apartment, have a crummy office job, and really not much else. Oh - I'm also in love. But since when has that turned out well in stories? Like, look at that Romeo guy. I think he dies or something.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV98vQOlFkK
So honestly, I don't have much going for me, for my life. All my friends (ha! friends) guilt trip me about how lucky I am, but to be blunt I can't help feel every morning and every night that I'm on the short end of the straw. You know, the short side of the bendy straw that gets chewed on and spat out.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhZrj6LY28
My mum unfortunately knows this too. She moved into the apartment next to mine to 'keep an eye' on me, to 'lend a hand if you need'. Now in the evenings I'm serenaded by the sweet sounds of her explosive diarrhoea. I'll be filing a thin wall complaint when I get the chance.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdje6d0WhA
Day in, day out, this is my life.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnEud40ApZ
So when is my story going to start?
This is the part where the boy escapes on a Unicorn.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIje3Wa1c1a
My favorite haunt is a tidy little coffee shop on the corner between work and home called Gladys'. The food is good, the coffee is great, and the service is stunning, thanks to a magnificent woman by the name of Ellie. I've memorized her time schedule and make sure to check in when she's around, which is why I'm an hour late to work every Monday and Thursday. Gorgeous brown eyes, little chocolate beads they are, and hair like a preened horse mane, which I assure you is a compliment of the highest degree. Her voice is just heavenly, although I do admit I've only ever heard her say 'The usual? Coming right up!'. She wears a lovely china bracelet too, little swirls of blue on white that she fiddles with constantly. I find it rather endearing.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTo27kKegYo
It was a fine Saturday - of course it had to be a Saturday that was ruined. You see, I always like to watch Ellie make my coffee - I assume it's because I become slightly mentally unhinged when I am around her. This time, however, I could not enjoy my morning drink due to a particularly disturbing young man.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQozuRzqBp
Now, he was clearly a criminal of some sort, despite looking no older than nineteen. Heavy leather jacket, metal studded jeans, and a swagger that exuded sheer unjustified arrogance. I noticed him approaching the counter just as I was taking the first sip of my extra hot coffee.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnEF0K0JuA
'A piece of toast thanks.' He orders.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16r9k8xJ8c
'...just toast?' God her voice sounds so soft I could sleep in it.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18h2CR0HyK
'Yes. Just. Toast.' His, on the other hand, was so rough I could feel his vocal chords being sanded down as he spoke.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKn1L2CJhmA
I watch Ellie as she slips the slice of bread into the toaster, the way her curved finger pushes down the lever. The way she drums her fingers nervously as she waits. Why nervously?920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡND4qRvR1s4
ping!920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpogXkdnvQ
'Here you are.' She doesn't look him in the eye as she hands over a plate with a single slice of toast. 'Your toast.'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hc88Si9qb
He doesn't touch it. 'No, Ellie, I've been thinking about those things you said to me - about how I'm too young, how I'm too, what, immature and irresponsible - and I've decided that no, you're toast.'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi7sLYWoBk
A question mark hangs in the air. 'Jonas, what do you mean?' She knows this ugly specimens?920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9fsc3TjjO
'Look.' He picks up the toast, and in one gloved hand, crumbles it into dust that falls meekly onto the counter. 'That's what I'm going to do to you for breaking my heart.' He storms out of Gladys', and, angered by the look of upset on Ellie's pretty face, I make quick pursuit with my coffee in hand.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm433yJ6O2o
'Hey! Hey, you!' He stops and turns around at the sound of my call.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0L4fo1v6u
'What do you want?' He snarls.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwK0uEjb0nd
'I want you to keep your dirty fingers off that girl!' I snap at him in a feeble attempt at intimidation.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qWGCSQHm1
'No no no. That's not how it works. A girl turns down the Jonas Jones on a date, they pay the price.' An infuriating sneer, one clearly tempting me to make a move - and that is an offer I'm not going to turn down. I put my extra hot coffee to better use and throw the entire thing into his face, spoon and all.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKfoLH3fMW
'AIEEEE! You're crazy, man!' His shocked eyes stare at me in disbelief, the attack having startled him enough to turn and flee. I watch as he rounds the corner and clambers onto his motorcycle - a painfully pink hunk of metal with the word Unicorn plastered on the side in blue and white.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawCHC980TF
Smooth.
This is the part where I try Robin Hood on my mother, an adventurous position to put myself in which involves feeling around the front of her dress.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHh7lvTBgba
My obsession with dear Ellie grows, as does my need to see her happy, after the strange encounter with Jonas Jones. I brainstorm gift ideas - she seems awfully fond of the unconventional china bracelet.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNijoLA6KJ
My own mother happens to be quite the china connoisseur - her collection of bits and bobs all on display in an IKEA cabinet in her apartment.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebDUAFAOpB
Now, my average job of tedium was never going to pay for such dainty things, nor, I suppose, will Ellie's, so I felt no moral wrongness in the notion of pulling a Robin Hood on my mum and donating some china pieces to someone who no doubt needs them more. Ahem.
The heist begins with inviting my mum one meter down the corridor to have a 'life chat' with me, a strange ritual which she usually enforces on me once a month. Five laxative pills dissolved into the hot chocolate I've made so lovingly for her.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GY7U7C8Fw
I bear through the grueling first few minutes of the talk in which she tells me to 'assess where I want to be in three years' but, much to my pleasure, the rant is prematurely interrupted by a rather rude anatomical sound which I won't indulge with a description.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtVwhvO8Xa
'Dear me!' She hobbles toward my bathroom, but I stop her -920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCa0DRavHbw
'The flush doesn't work.' I smile.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzl5KkrchH
'Oh, dear, dear, dear!' She's hunched over, and she can't reach into the front pocket of her dress - in which lie her room keys.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHGwTNnUiW
'Would you like me to unlock your apartment for you?'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpQJ8X3lHD
'Please!'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuhW71fLzY
What happened next was unpleasant but necessary. Suffice to say, I retrieved the keys from their storage place, remarkably near my birth place.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxc0QctGj5t
The moment the door to her room was open, she hurried into the bathroom and locked the door - without thinking to show me out first.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7wjp3Za0P
I collect in a bag the nicest of her china collection - IKEA cabinets don't have much security. An assortment of cups and plates and animals, carefully picked to match the color scheme of Ellie's bracelet. Lovely.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFuQbpL34L
I leave the keys on dear mother's bedside table, and quickly desert the premises. The unfortunate woman's bowel structure combined with the help I had given to her digestive system meant that she should be occupied for a while.
This is the part where I abandon my preconceptions of love, abandon my apartment, and abandon my sanity in general.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3XVTbyFE3
I decided I would not return to the apartment. Mum would surely kill me, or worse. So instead, it being a Monday morning, I headed down to Gladys' with a bag going chinkle chinkle tied in red ribbon and a notetag with 'For Ellie' in my finest cursive. Which isn't very fine, mind you, but it's the thought that counts.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iBmoFyuKO
Gladys' was not the most active of places, and it was not difficult to wait for a moment when no one was looking to place the bag on the counter.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUTlzIcORc
I sit, and wait, and watch. Could it be that this might win her heart?920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ipEyxC1qc
She sees the bag, looks around confusedly, and opens it there on the counter. She gasps, looks around confusedly again, and closes the bag before placing it on the shelf beside her.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3NP6lWb8w
I walk up to the counter.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYk70gYNRbr
'The usual?' Angelic.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kNPR95Zwe
'Not quite.' I say. In fact, I decide to abandon all of the usual. I wouldn't be showing up to work today, I wouldn't be doing anything of the sort I usually do.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIkQXbZUGb
Forget everything. This is the part where I say, I love you.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjt9jqflSq6
I open my mouth, draw in a deep breath, and am promptly knocked unconscious by a delicate china coffee cup disagreeing with my temple. I'm not sure which one shattered first.
This is the part where I emerge victorious from a deathly battle against cute fluffy creatures.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7B54gHgz0a
'owwwww...' I rise from the floor with a grunt. Above me stands Jonas Jones, and his band of delinquents. I note the bag of china in his hands - the bloody nerve of him.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPELwTGteNF
'If the JONAS JONES isn't good enough for someone, no one is!' He booms.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZBNpJavMo
'Leave her out of this!' I protest, noticing Ellie cowering in the corner of the cafe, the few other people inside watching the course of events with an excited but strangely detached interest. 'Let's take this outside.'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbP14n7Gsry
'Let's go, big boy.' He cracks his knuckles.
RABBIT. UNICORN. PUG. They stand by their named motorcycles, Jonas in the center. 'Rabbit' was a tall and scrawny pimply fellow, whereas 'Pug' was a much more rotund beast, but just as unattractive as the former. To be honest, I couldn't catch the resemblance between Jonas and a unicorn, though.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzx2xMPRm2
'You boys are going to leave Ellie alone. And her gifts.' Upon feeling a twinge of pain, I quickly added 'And me.'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMq6WrDRPmi
'Make us.' Rabbit pulls out a knife from his pocket.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMCd9cot2L
'Now now, let's play fair - ' but my protest is cut off halfway through by a scream that made the windows of the cafe shake dangerously, threatening to shatter.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZZbhdaArk
'WHEEERE IIIIIIS MYYYY CHIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGgZD3TZJV
I run into the shop, but the gang is stunned still - and I watch as my mother appears over the horizon, face inflamed red like a microwaving tomato ready to burst.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICrXxFcOrd
She looks at the bag in Jonas' hands.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgMRK7FxUF
Jonas looks down at the bag in his hands.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBxqv1nQVk
Pug grabs the bag and hides it behind his back.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmjYXVKAju
Mother morphs into her final form and unleashes her rage.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsSR9SJwCH
'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' I can't tell among the carnage who the sound is coming from, but I don't care - I turn around to face Ellie, and I grab her hands.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyHRFreqNz
'Ellie.' I say, eyes staring into hers.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡys6fqngCIY
'Yes?'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlyfpqPl2J
This is the part.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYm3JVlDuwp
'I...'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VFHG18YYg
'Yes?'920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvy0M2yMy9
'Ellie, I luh. I lughhhh. I, I, I lughhhhhhhh - '920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuTarCRUdR
'Oh, shut up.' She lunges forwards and places her lips on mine, and the people in the cafe cheer, drowning out the noise of the scene outside.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWmoWwQbGC
And so it is, that my story ends here for you, and just begins for me, with an unexpected kiss and a declaration of love.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9pgAz5vwB
I even think that mother might approve.920Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGMCWjKt6C
This, my friend, is the part where you stop reading.
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