This is the part where I say, I love you.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOLwFyqvLI
I open my mouth, draw in a deep breath, and am promptly knocked unconscious by a delicate china coffee cup disagreeing with my temple. I'm not sure which one shattered first.
Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if it were a story.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lJgpMxbqF
First of all, it would be far more interesting; after all, stories are rarely as boring as my daily routine.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyvpUBoklY
It goes a bit like this: I wake up at six, I brush my teeth, make breakfast (usually cereal, leftovers from takeaway the night before, or Gladys'), catch an update on the radio, and - oh, stuff it. Even I don't want to hear about that.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MfXGwCvGn
Secondly, I wouldn't always be so bloody miserable. Protagonists in books are hardly ever miserable, and I hope that someday I could amount to something more than the minor character 'annoyed guy across the street', no?956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhKBy4krWJ
Thirdly, I should have had a happy ending by now.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgXfTaVwZX
I mean, seriously, I'm twenty-nine. And as everyone knows, the age of thirty is practically death. I live alone in a small apartment, have a crummy office job, and really not much else. Oh - I'm also in love. But since when has that turned out well in stories? Like, look at that Romeo guy. I think he dies or something.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEM7U93cwv
So honestly, I don't have much going for me, for my life. All my friends (ha! friends) guilt trip me about how lucky I am, but to be blunt I can't help feel every morning and every night that I'm on the short end of the straw. You know, the short side of the bendy straw that gets chewed on and spat out.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHQKCQxv3y
My mum unfortunately knows this too. She moved into the apartment next to mine to 'keep an eye' on me, to 'lend a hand if you need'. Now in the evenings I'm serenaded by the sweet sounds of her explosive diarrhoea. I'll be filing a thin wall complaint when I get the chance.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPagD6rkH2
Day in, day out, this is my life.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTYo1233TD
So when is my story going to start?
This is the part where the boy escapes on a Unicorn.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENsijunwhE
My favorite haunt is a tidy little coffee shop on the corner between work and home called Gladys'. The food is good, the coffee is great, and the service is stunning, thanks to a magnificent woman by the name of Ellie. I've memorized her time schedule and make sure to check in when she's around, which is why I'm an hour late to work every Monday and Thursday. Gorgeous brown eyes, little chocolate beads they are, and hair like a preened horse mane, which I assure you is a compliment of the highest degree. Her voice is just heavenly, although I do admit I've only ever heard her say 'The usual? Coming right up!'. She wears a lovely china bracelet too, little swirls of blue on white that she fiddles with constantly. I find it rather endearing.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjxns0XDHH
It was a fine Saturday - of course it had to be a Saturday that was ruined. You see, I always like to watch Ellie make my coffee - I assume it's because I become slightly mentally unhinged when I am around her. This time, however, I could not enjoy my morning drink due to a particularly disturbing young man.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzp6TjTSYM
Now, he was clearly a criminal of some sort, despite looking no older than nineteen. Heavy leather jacket, metal studded jeans, and a swagger that exuded sheer unjustified arrogance. I noticed him approaching the counter just as I was taking the first sip of my extra hot coffee.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWv2HsFUzL6
'A piece of toast thanks.' He orders.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyghOebay2
'...just toast?' God her voice sounds so soft I could sleep in it.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dRznkzRYV
'Yes. Just. Toast.' His, on the other hand, was so rough I could feel his vocal chords being sanded down as he spoke.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxZaUkTuJS
I watch Ellie as she slips the slice of bread into the toaster, the way her curved finger pushes down the lever. The way she drums her fingers nervously as she waits. Why nervously?956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnKcvGW8pG
ping!956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaWMFtgBSY
'Here you are.' She doesn't look him in the eye as she hands over a plate with a single slice of toast. 'Your toast.'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WwHEPBEmN
He doesn't touch it. 'No, Ellie, I've been thinking about those things you said to me - about how I'm too young, how I'm too, what, immature and irresponsible - and I've decided that no, you're toast.'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmihhUUsAmT
A question mark hangs in the air. 'Jonas, what do you mean?' She knows this ugly specimens?956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkE1m57s8Jw
'Look.' He picks up the toast, and in one gloved hand, crumbles it into dust that falls meekly onto the counter. 'That's what I'm going to do to you for breaking my heart.' He storms out of Gladys', and, angered by the look of upset on Ellie's pretty face, I make quick pursuit with my coffee in hand.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJvlBdJOfH
'Hey! Hey, you!' He stops and turns around at the sound of my call.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1uNAlvu3ND
'What do you want?' He snarls.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWOK0mrxBL
'I want you to keep your dirty fingers off that girl!' I snap at him in a feeble attempt at intimidation.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwxM3xCauG
'No no no. That's not how it works. A girl turns down the Jonas Jones on a date, they pay the price.' An infuriating sneer, one clearly tempting me to make a move - and that is an offer I'm not going to turn down. I put my extra hot coffee to better use and throw the entire thing into his face, spoon and all.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEOBibw8Sa
'AIEEEE! You're crazy, man!' His shocked eyes stare at me in disbelief, the attack having startled him enough to turn and flee. I watch as he rounds the corner and clambers onto his motorcycle - a painfully pink hunk of metal with the word Unicorn plastered on the side in blue and white.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3Z11DNYA1
Smooth.
This is the part where I try Robin Hood on my mother, an adventurous position to put myself in which involves feeling around the front of her dress.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEh21whqOI
My obsession with dear Ellie grows, as does my need to see her happy, after the strange encounter with Jonas Jones. I brainstorm gift ideas - she seems awfully fond of the unconventional china bracelet.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmWFBzQycN
My own mother happens to be quite the china connoisseur - her collection of bits and bobs all on display in an IKEA cabinet in her apartment.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48ucC646Wt
Now, my average job of tedium was never going to pay for such dainty things, nor, I suppose, will Ellie's, so I felt no moral wrongness in the notion of pulling a Robin Hood on my mum and donating some china pieces to someone who no doubt needs them more. Ahem.
The heist begins with inviting my mum one meter down the corridor to have a 'life chat' with me, a strange ritual which she usually enforces on me once a month. Five laxative pills dissolved into the hot chocolate I've made so lovingly for her.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3o7HRUu5PF
I bear through the grueling first few minutes of the talk in which she tells me to 'assess where I want to be in three years' but, much to my pleasure, the rant is prematurely interrupted by a rather rude anatomical sound which I won't indulge with a description.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3Bz1F7xhf
'Dear me!' She hobbles toward my bathroom, but I stop her -956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzbqOVuVou
'The flush doesn't work.' I smile.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbLTaQh4r4
'Oh, dear, dear, dear!' She's hunched over, and she can't reach into the front pocket of her dress - in which lie her room keys.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDWd9Gt4Dh
'Would you like me to unlock your apartment for you?'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8mEMPBvWG
'Please!'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyzUkhLz2R
What happened next was unpleasant but necessary. Suffice to say, I retrieved the keys from their storage place, remarkably near my birth place.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OfXJ69BZG
The moment the door to her room was open, she hurried into the bathroom and locked the door - without thinking to show me out first.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcXVw8lt1Y
I collect in a bag the nicest of her china collection - IKEA cabinets don't have much security. An assortment of cups and plates and animals, carefully picked to match the color scheme of Ellie's bracelet. Lovely.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLVeT99I2h
I leave the keys on dear mother's bedside table, and quickly desert the premises. The unfortunate woman's bowel structure combined with the help I had given to her digestive system meant that she should be occupied for a while.
This is the part where I abandon my preconceptions of love, abandon my apartment, and abandon my sanity in general.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6a0ezDYMP
I decided I would not return to the apartment. Mum would surely kill me, or worse. So instead, it being a Monday morning, I headed down to Gladys' with a bag going chinkle chinkle tied in red ribbon and a notetag with 'For Ellie' in my finest cursive. Which isn't very fine, mind you, but it's the thought that counts.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqtKTjwXGb
Gladys' was not the most active of places, and it was not difficult to wait for a moment when no one was looking to place the bag on the counter.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡms8ZyUBL57
I sit, and wait, and watch. Could it be that this might win her heart?956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjI28hWQYy
She sees the bag, looks around confusedly, and opens it there on the counter. She gasps, looks around confusedly again, and closes the bag before placing it on the shelf beside her.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUBPmKI2Mv
I walk up to the counter.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrFqRllXLh
'The usual?' Angelic.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDqQZsdNnt
'Not quite.' I say. In fact, I decide to abandon all of the usual. I wouldn't be showing up to work today, I wouldn't be doing anything of the sort I usually do.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmgJw3QIAo
Forget everything. This is the part where I say, I love you.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfTe3fX213
I open my mouth, draw in a deep breath, and am promptly knocked unconscious by a delicate china coffee cup disagreeing with my temple. I'm not sure which one shattered first.
This is the part where I emerge victorious from a deathly battle against cute fluffy creatures.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmEasQeZHj
'owwwww...' I rise from the floor with a grunt. Above me stands Jonas Jones, and his band of delinquents. I note the bag of china in his hands - the bloody nerve of him.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuKTG61YwU
'If the JONAS JONES isn't good enough for someone, no one is!' He booms.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgAoIMHJNw
'Leave her out of this!' I protest, noticing Ellie cowering in the corner of the cafe, the few other people inside watching the course of events with an excited but strangely detached interest. 'Let's take this outside.'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZKZfAgzw9
'Let's go, big boy.' He cracks his knuckles.
RABBIT. UNICORN. PUG. They stand by their named motorcycles, Jonas in the center. 'Rabbit' was a tall and scrawny pimply fellow, whereas 'Pug' was a much more rotund beast, but just as unattractive as the former. To be honest, I couldn't catch the resemblance between Jonas and a unicorn, though.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAZjqz6vs1
'You boys are going to leave Ellie alone. And her gifts.' Upon feeling a twinge of pain, I quickly added 'And me.'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngCHFeMZya
'Make us.' Rabbit pulls out a knife from his pocket.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9mOQO26Sm
'Now now, let's play fair - ' but my protest is cut off halfway through by a scream that made the windows of the cafe shake dangerously, threatening to shatter.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrVUTulEzQ
'WHEEERE IIIIIIS MYYYY CHIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOT3BKiFeES
I run into the shop, but the gang is stunned still - and I watch as my mother appears over the horizon, face inflamed red like a microwaving tomato ready to burst.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyP12KISnOI
She looks at the bag in Jonas' hands.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK72yanY7iZ
Jonas looks down at the bag in his hands.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lzhNaTdGD
Pug grabs the bag and hides it behind his back.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDXxtswVfr
Mother morphs into her final form and unleashes her rage.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7CaJRQPQp
'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' I can't tell among the carnage who the sound is coming from, but I don't care - I turn around to face Ellie, and I grab her hands.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPDVcJz65M4
'Ellie.' I say, eyes staring into hers.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHme88CP8P
'Yes?'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnmyLHIc0q
This is the part.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvP8WPQjxA
'I...'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvegbY4Qxn
'Yes?'956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mCU5aPSty
'Ellie, I luh. I lughhhh. I, I, I lughhhhhhhh - '956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gDX2fpdiK
'Oh, shut up.' She lunges forwards and places her lips on mine, and the people in the cafe cheer, drowning out the noise of the scene outside.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElNICxUJSH
And so it is, that my story ends here for you, and just begins for me, with an unexpected kiss and a declaration of love.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmnd8rjBgz
I even think that mother might approve.956Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIajpZrF1XZ
This, my friend, is the part where you stop reading.
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