The performance was a nightmare. I practiced a lot up to the performance because I wanted it to be perfect. However, I could hardly move around on stage because of pain. I started to dance but let out a huge groan as I felt pain in my hips. I knew things were going wrong and was not concentrating on my voice, It didn't take long for me to realize that the auto tuner made me sound like a broken vacuum cleaner. I was not at all focused. I was in pain and it was like I could not hit a tune. I looked out at the audience and seen some fellow celebrities look in shock. They just stared as if to ask themselves is this lady a legend. I wanted to stop, but my professionalism made me continue. 10 minutes of performing can be like hours!
Finally, the show was over. My staff came in and started trying to console me by saying that things were not that bad. I had my hands buried in my hands and was thinking how bad I looked on stage. I stood up and shouted at my staff. I told them that my fans will be disappointed. The media will think I am finished as a performer. I told them that over the last few years, I have listened too much to the suggestions and advice I gave. I lost my temper and threw things around the room. In the end, I told them that they were all fired. The only person that I wanted was my manager, that I had for years.
Needless to say, the media spent a lot of space and time discussing bad performance. It was the usual things that they wrote. I was no longer relevant and the lack of talent was showing more and more. The main thing they wrote was that I was now old and I was becoming more and more desperate to get the attention I once had. The media agreed on one thing. I should have some dignity and grace and retire.
I did not answer. I would hide for a few months and then do something so people knew that I had no intention of retiring. I would not comment on the performance. What could I say? I did my best but failed! That would make the media happy. They would love me to admit that the world no longer needed Madonna.
I will admit over the next few days, that I was feeling sorry for myself and I did drink a bit too much. I didn't feel sorry for myself often, as I usually moved from one project to another project. Now I needed time to think about what I should do. Was my career over?
I expressed my frustrations over Instagram. I spoke about that I did not consider myself old. Why can male singers like Mick Jagger still be respected, even though they were old? Why did people expect women to retire? Why was I being punished because my body was getting old? I still had a young heart. Did people just expect me to fade away?
I even got political. I talked about the election and the US needed a savior like Kennedy. I even talked about COVID 19 and I thought there was a conspiracy and the vaccine was already found.
Needless to say, there was once again a huge response. Instagram even flagged my account for giving false information. I did not take this seriously. I took the reaction of my fans seriously. Some were very worried about my mental health. The most worrying were fans that said that they have supported me through many controversies and provocations. However, the new conspiracy one was too much. They thought I was now insane. As one fan said, "It's hard to see how desperate Madonna is and how low she can get."
My doctor came and confirmed what I already knew. After years of dancing and pushing my body to the limits, my hips were now damaged in some way. He warned me not to overdo my exercise or to dance too much. He would give me some pain tablets and told me I may need a hip replacement. The doctor also warned me to be careful of the medicine. It was very addictive and he did not want to read I had an overdose. He sighed as he remembered how Micheal Jackson and Prince died.
I could see that there was something else he wanted to say. I told him he could be honest and I would not fire him. He told me I was at a stage where many were retiring. He knew that image meant a lot as a singer. The doctor told me that it was a cruel world. A person my age could still have so much to do and achieve, but because of old age, they would never get a chance.
" I know getting old is hard for you," he said, "Your body can do less and less. You have pains. Your face starts to show its age more and more. Getting old can be graceful. However, your job does not accept it. It is a constant fight to look young. I know a person who you can speak with, that can help you adjust to being old."
I had to smile when the doctor said this. I smiled most of the day because of this. The doctor thought I should see a shrink. He was like everyone else thinking that I could not accept that my time was over. I was an old woman and there was no longer any need for me.
Maybe I should retire. I had lots of money and the children and their ambitions were time-consuming. I also had my charity work in Malawi. Why should I subject myself to the constant criticism? I could be like Tina Turner, and just live for my family and enjoy their success. The problem is would I be happy? Would this be surrendering to the social norms and the pressure from others?
This is not the first time that I was hated. There have been Madonna haters since my career started. When I released Erotica and the sex books in the early '90s, people said that I went too far and my career was over. It was a bit like it is now. However, I cleaned up my image and tried to show people that I was more than a provocateur and obsessed with sex. This nearly took a decade. I also gave birth to Lourdes during this time, so people now could see that I was a mother. This was just not a PR stunt. Lourdes did change me. She showed me how to think for others and just not myself. When I released "Ray of light", it was a huge comeback!
My manager spoke with me shortly after the performance disaster. He admitted that things looked very dark for my career and he was not sure about a comeback. At the same time, we should not rule it out as I have done it before. My manager thought my main asset was my ability to reinvent myself. We had to use this to stage a comeback. I had to re-invent myself as the granny of pop, which was relevant and cool. 397Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKo8EYHmtYt
"The problem is," he said, "The young generation do not know you. Some are asking who is Madonna and why is she even famous? Your fans are getting older with you. We need to show everyone who Madonna is and why she is considered the Queen of Pop. We need to show the younger people why you are a living legend"
In a way, my manager was right. Young people did not know who I was. I could do the same as other old stars. I could release a greatest hits on go on a greatest hits tour. This would be a success, especially a tour. However, I hated repeating myself. I wanted to always be doing something new. While it would be smart for the younger generation to get to know me. This would be boring and repetitive. I did not even like listening to my songs on the radio. I promised the manager that I would leave my personal feelings aside and think about it in a business matter.
I fired all my staff after the disastrous performance. This gave me so much freedom. I felt that I once again in control. Since the beginning of my career, I have been in control. I began hiring young people, thinking they could adapt to changes, and young people do bring new ideas and inspiration. I am sure that they would tell me when I was wrong, but maybe I needed to learn how to listen to more advice and wonder why they are advising things. Can they see the limitations that I have?
My daughter Mercy wanted to speak with me. She is now 14 and was adopted from Malawi. She asked in a very careful way if she was a charity? I needed her to explain that. Mercy said that she knew she was adopted from Africa, but she read that I adopted her as a charity case and it was a way for me to get media attention. This made me sad. I was not sad because it was about me. God knows I have manipulated the media and they treated me both kind and bad. However, this time it went over an innocent teenager.
I hugged Mercy and told her I love all my children. If anyone was blessed, it was me. My children treated me like a mother and have taught me how to share my love. They are more important to me than my career. Mercy looked at me and said it must be hard for me. She told me very few in her class knew who I was. She said those that did thought I was a desperate old woman, trying to compete with the younger singers.
I knew that being a child of Madonna was not easy. My children would be confronted with things I have done in the past... especially sexual things. I am sure my children are embarrassed by some of the videos I have done. Another thing was that they never needed anything. They lived in luxury. This could be bad if they did not know how a real person lived and survived from one day to the next.
This reminded me of when Lourdes left home to study. She did not want me to visit her school. Lourdes insisted she did not want all the attention being given to her. She did not want to be my shadow. I was proud of Lourdes. She wanted to do things her way and have success because she deserved it, not because of her mother.
I have had a hard few months. I have been feeling old and I have worried about my career. I needed to live life, and not worry about it. I decided I would start by going to a party! This would give me energy for what was ahead of me. I needed to relax and let my hair down!
To be continued
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