Warning: I'm just going to say right off the bat, I don't want pity for any of this. It was hard to find the exact right way to word this, to share it so that it felt right, that I was expressing exactly why my sanctuary is the way it is. I don't want to worry anyone, I'm not trying to get pity points by been honest, I just want to share what my sanctuary is, how it's helped me and overall get it out of my system.
If I ever stopped to consider where I found safety I would have to say my imagination, the vast and unknown worlds that came to my fingertips as I flee to my day-dreams or writing stories on paper or my laptop. Or even just the safety I find in my altered perception of the world, I don't exactly live in reality. It's painful going through day to day life, so most of the time I'm only just barely acknowledging what's happening around me. I could be listening to the birds or petting the dog, talking with family or even learning about something new at school. Just because I'm not quite there though doesn't mean that I don't pay attention, I'm well aware of what goes on around me, the hurtful comments that they think I don't hear or don't understand. The dull ache is always there, the pain in my chest and the rest of my body, and that's the main reason that I don't fully pay attention to the true reality. Maybe it's not even a real sanctuary, but this ability I have to see the world around me in a bright and positive light, not an ounce of negativity, it shields me from the pain, stops me from believing that if I took my final breath nobody would care.
The real sanctuary that I have though is much deeper in my head. When I don't spend my time half paying attention but instead tune everything out. The confused dreams that I have while asleep, the worlds that I catch brief glimpses of and that leave me with a sense of wonder and innocence upon awakening. It's nothing that I can really help though, even if the one reoccurring dream is of a forest. The trees, so solid, so huge they shield me from the outside world of the dreamland and hide me from view. When I climb up them the branches barely even bend under my weight and I'm able to see to an old and crumbling city. The dream is one of the clearest things in my mind, and I can easily picture the forest in my head when I block out the real world and instead allow my imagination to lead me into yet another day dream. I might meet someone else in the forest on occasion, they're always open and friendly, welcoming and willing to talk to me about things that in real life make me nervous. I can explore without worrying about been taken advantage of and after visiting the forest I always feel safer and more sure of myself.
When not able to reach my dream forest though I find a release in writing, the ability to build entire worlds and societies from nothing. To explore anything with just a couple of words on the page, this helps me when I'm frustrated, feeling suicidal and even having trouble with pain. It gives me a distraction and a goal, even if I can't always grasp what that goal really is. I will often weave stories just because they come into my mind, they're always something that I don't feel able to talk about with others. I can explore the ramifications of problems and even explore my own inner demons, with the written word I feel free to admit things to myself that otherwise I lock away in a chest. My sexuality became clearer while I was writing a character who was exploring their own, considering their emotions and comparing my own in that way helped me figure it out. The release that my imaginary worlds give me is immense, and thus my perception on reality is tilted just that little bit more.
So I'm not normal, so I can be a bit of a freak, I just live with the perception of a slightly Altered Reality. You know what? That's fine with me, because it's my Sanctuary.
ns 15.158.61.5da2
