Mom told me that I would be starting at a finishing school. I had this image in my head that I would be drinking tea with a pinky finger showing and walking around with books balanced on my head. This seemed like the opposite of what I wanted to do. I wanted to learn about everything. I knew I would not learn very much at a finishing school. I would only learn how a lady acts.
I wanted to be a teacher. My ambition was not going to a finishing school to learn how I should act. Why could I not follow my dream and do what made me happy? I knew that my mother and father would never understand my ambitions or dreams. I was expected to do what countless girls in my position have done before. I was blessed with so many things. Society expected me to use my family and upbringing in doing what aristocrats did. My parents were not being mean or evil. They were just doing what was expected.
I was so confused. How could I forget my dreams and do what was expected?
The next day, Granny invited me for some afternoon tea. She started by saying that I must be so excited that I was going to a finishing school. I didn't smile back but said I wanted to be a teacher.
“ Let me tell you a story,” Granny said, “ When I was a young girl, I was considered a wild girl and sometimes a brat. To be honest, I was not either of these. I was like you. My parents were rich and I was treated like a princess. The problem was that I fell in love with the gardener's son. You think that this love would not cause a scandal. It did! I was sent away to a finishing school and told to forget all about him.”
“ Did you love him?”
“Indeed, I still do!. If society was not full of rules and norms, I would have married him and we would have been happy. I still love him.”
Granny told me that I was born with a mind of my own. Life is not about social norms and rules. It is too short for that. I had to do what would make me happy!
I told granny that I had to think, so I went out to my horse. Billy was there and he asked me if I wanted to take a walk.
I told Billy about finishing school, but he did not say much. He admitted that he did not know the ways of the rich. His life was hard, but it was simple. We walked through the fields and talked about life in general, and what it was like to be nearly an adult. He took my hand and we ended up walking hand in hand. Billy told me once again how much he loved me. I told him that it was love that was forbidden. I told him that society would never recognize our love. It was doomed to fail.
Billy went quiet, and said why should society decide who he loves?
When I came back, I found Emily in tears. I sat down next to her and asked her what the problem was. She told me that she spoke with my mom and was told that she was a bad influence on me. She was told to remember her place. Emily cried on my shoulder and said she only wanted to be my friend. When she spoke with my mother, she felt like she was nothing, as if she was not even human. She felt so inferior. I told Emily that we were best friends and she was my secret sister for life. I did not care if she was a maid or the richest girl in the world. She was my secret sister. We sat and hugged each other for some time. I had problems of my own, but I did not want to burden Emily when she was so sad.
Mom found us and sighed as she saw me comforting Emily. She told me to come downstairs. It was time for Granny to leave. My parents did not seem to be emotional about it. I felt like I would cry and beg her to stay. Granny was the only one that really knew me and she was the only one that had no expectations. She was my ally and I knew it would feel so empty when she left.
I went up to the nursery again. The governess was busy doing nothing. She was like a bee that did not know what to do. She told me that she was busy. She had to get my things ready to go to finishing school. She had a lot of packing to do. Then the governess sat on a rocking chair and started crying.
“ I remember when I first came here,” she said, “ you were the sweetest princess in the world. I thought you would be a spoiled brat. You were not. You were shy when we first met, and then I remember when you smiled. We have had lots of good times and bad times. I just want you to know that I am ever so proud of you. Now you will be going to a finishing school. You will learn so many things and come back as a lady. I know you will make your parents proud and you will make me proud.”
The governess told me that she was also leaving. There was no longer a need for her when I would be at finishing school. I could not believe that I would be losing the mother figure in my life. I gave the governess a hug and told her I did not want her to go. I told her that I did not want to go to finishing school. I did not want to grow up. I wanted everything to be the same.
I had to control my emotions. It was time for my piano lessons. The piano lessons did not go so well either. Once again the teacher was mad at me. How could I concentrate? I had so many things going around in my head. No one cared that I wanted to be a teacher. It was improper to be friends with a maid. On top of all of this, I could have been in love with a stable boy that had a different ethnic race than I was. How could I play the piano when my life was so confusing.
I went out to find Billy. I was going to tell him that nothing could ever happen between him and me. There were so many things that were against us. Maybe under different circumstances and in a different world, we could be together, but not now.
As I was telling Billy, he interrupted me and told me that he loved me. He wanted to get married as soon as I was old enough. I ran back to the nursery.
My heart was galloping and I did not know what to think. Someone just asked me to marry them. The question was if I did love Billy. I was not so sure. I am not sure that I wanted to be married at such a young age. Being married meant that I would have to be a loving and dedicated wife. I would have children. This means all the dreams would be forgotten. The only thing that could console me was that it would be years until I was old enough to get married.
I didn't sleep well that night.
The next day, I found a letter on my desk. It was from Emily. She wrote that my mother had fired her because she was a bad influence on me. Emily told me she was sad, as she really liked it here. She wrote to me she would be working at her uncle's farm. It was good that Emily wrote the address, as she hoped that I would write to her. I must have looked at the letter for a long time.
The only thing I could think of was that I did not have a chance to say goodbye to Emily. It saddened me that she was told to go. The governess was leaving and now Emily was gone. I was feeling more and more alone. I was mad that I had no say in the matter. I was mad at mom that she hired Emily as a companion and maid, and when Emily did become my friend, she was fired.
I rushed down to my mother that was sipping some tea. I shouted at her that it was wrong of her to fire Emily. She has done her job and was a good friend. It was like I was emptying my heart as I let everything out. I shouted that Billy was in love with me and would she try and ruin our love if I was in love with Billy? Finally, I told her that I did not want to go to any finishing school. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to do something good with my life. I wanted to help others. I wanted to make a difference.
My mother was not that impressed. She summoned my father and made me repeat everything that I told her. After I have done this, my mother was sitting on the sofa in tears. My father was very mad. According to him, I was an ungrateful daughter that did not know my place in the world.
“ We have been patient with your childish and emotional dreams,” he shouted.” You are my daughter and you do what I say! You only have one job and that is to be a lady in the upper class. You will learn how to be a lady! You will learn to find a husband from a good and respected family. You will be a good and dedicated wife and give him children. This is why you were born. Get used to it!”
Dad dragged me up to the nursey and told me that I was grounded there until it was time to go to finishing school. That would be in a week.
I felt like I was now a prisoner, and I did not have a choice on how my life should be but I felt relieved that I had my say. It was hard seeing my father get so upset and my mother crying. It was also hard that they did not respect my feelings and did not care how I felt. They could force me to go to finishing school, but they could not force me to like it.
The next day, there was tapping against the window. Luckily, the governess was not in the room. I investigated the tapping and found out it was Billy that was throwing pebbles. He told me that he was suddenly fired and this confused him, as he was sure that he was good at his job. Billy wanted to say goodbye and shouted that he would always love me.
This was the final straw. I had enough of all the changes in my life. I had enough of what was expected of me. I was tired that no one wanted to hear about my dreams and happiness and what I wanted to. I no longer wanted to be dictated to.
I packed a bag and snuck out of the house. Within an hour I was far away from my home.
It was an extreme decision to run away, however, I was free
To be continued.
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