“Vicky? ... Vicky, tell me...”
“I’veth already told you not to call me thath, Henrieth! Why can’t-tchyou say Vic like everyone else! I am not a girl!”
“But you do call me Henrieth though, when my name is HENRIETT!”
“But- but I don't do it on purpothe, you know I'veth lost a lot of teeth.”
“I don't care. So, Vic... ky, tell me, since your dad died like everyone says, who's coming to see your recital?”
“Muddy”
“Muddy? What's Muddy?”
“Muddy is my second daddy! He is not a whath, he is a who!”
“You have two dads, Vicky?”
“Not anymore Henrieth… Papa Ryan went on a trip with the angels.”
“You’ve got two dads, and you say you're not a GIRL... And you're a big liar! Your daddy, my mom says he's dead, he's not with the angels.”
“But angels live in heaven, Henrieth.”
“I doubt your-”
“Leave him alone, Henriett !”
“Liam, I wasn't talking to you. You, leave me alone.”
“Kids, I hope you guys are ready and know your differenttexts. Henriett, it'll be your turn soon, so start moving towards the stage. Victory, you'll go right after her.”
“Vicky, we'll continue our discussion about your two dadslater. Good luck... Even if in the end I'm going to win. Miss Eurler told me I had potential.”
I didn't want to talk about my dads, though. Besides, Henriett won't understand a word I say. But it's not her fault, she's just a kid like me. Since Papa Ryan left, people have been looking at me strangely. Papa Ryan used to come to all my rehearsals. He always brought two big tubs of chocolate he had made himself in his workshop, one for himself and one for me. He'd also bring me my lucky blue bunny hat. Since he's gone, Muddyhas hidden all his stuff. And today... today I no longer have my lucky blue bunny hat. I feel like I'm going to mess up my lines, and people are going to laugh at me, they're going to laugh and laugh and laugh and then they're going to laugh at my broken teeth and my pronunciation and Muddy will be disappointed and papa Ryan... I want to see my papa but I can't, my papa is gone forever. Muddy never came to my rehearsals. Papa Ryan told me that Muddy is a little scared of people and gets dizzy when he's around other people. I really hope he'll come. He promised...
“Victory, get ready, it's your turn soon!’’
From where I'm standing, I can see a bit of the crowd. I'm looking and looking. Oh, there is Moon with Uncle Dereck. They're both sitting down together, they've come for me. Moon doesn't usually come to see me. HOORAY! But... but I still don't see Muddy. Oh no, if he doesn't come in time, he won't be able to see me, and he'll be sad.
“Miss Eurlerth...”
“What’s the matter, sweetie?”
“Can… can I go after Liam, pleach?”
“Oh Victory, I know you've got stage fright but it's-”
“Oh no no no. I'm not scarthed, Papa Ryan always told me that I'm a big boy and big boys aren't scarthed. It’s just… Muddy promised to come and- and he's still not here. And I'm afraithhe's going to miss my performance...”
“Victory, everyone can be nervous or scared. Big or little, it's natural to have a little stage fright. But I can't change the running order right now-”
“I wouldn't mind going before Vic, Miss Eurler.”
“I know Liam, and I’d love for you to go before Victory if that’s what you want, but the running order has been set already and has been communicated to all the juries and parents. I'm sorry, little angel.’’
“It’ss-nots a big deal Miss Eurlerth, thanks anyway”
“Now it's your turn Victory!”
“Do you think my dad will come to see me, Miss Eurlerth? I saw someone come down the bleachers who looked a loth like him, but it wasn't him. Do you think he'll make it?’’
“I don't know if he'll come little angel, but I'm sure you'll deliver a magnificent performance. Think of your papa Ryan. Do it for him. Go and break a leg!”
I walked up to the stage with the microphone in my hands, and as I watched everyone cheering, Moon smiling and Uncle Dereck holding up both thumbs to tell me ‘Go for it little guy, you can do it'; I realized that Muddy would never come. Well, at least not for me.
***
Ten minutes now that I was running desperately through the streets of Windrop towards Vic's school. I could hear cars honking, and out of the corner of my eye I could see the discreet, awkward glances of pedestrians who might be wondering if I'd lost my mind. But I was almost senseless, unafraid of collapsing there, at that moment, against the harsh and hostile tarmac of this Windrop floor because nothing was going to justify me ever abandoning my son. What a fucking bad parent I am, God! Ryan would never have done that... Ryan would have gone, whether it was raining cats and dogs,or we heard of the sudden resurrection of fire-breathing dinosaurs. Ryan would have found a fucking way to get there on time to support his son. Because that was the difference between Ryan and me, he'd put his family first no matter what. Whereas me, I'm a miserable moron, riddled with insecurities because I don't know how to live with others. A miserable fool who spends his time whining about his misfortune instead of being there for his family. I'm a piece of shit! Did I mention I'm a miserable moron? Because I am. I could feel my strength ebbing away under the fatigue and distress and panic, but I had to get to this school; even if I had to crawl because my feet had given out on me, I'd do it.
Vic's school was gigantic, to say the least. It was a complete school, kindergarten, primary, junior high and high school. The biggest school in Windrop. And Moon was also having her first encounters with the crazies of adolescence here. I was struck against the huge steel gate, which defended the courtyard from treacherous intentions, waiting for Lance, our best driver. I'd called him in my last-ditch effort and was impatient for him to come. Lance knows his way around all this... Ugggh I don't even know! He was kind of like Ryan's sidekick. He'd follow Ryan around to do all the essential formalities for the kids' schooling. He knew how to get their birth certificates done at the town hall, who to see if there was an emergency to be dealt with here, how to get the kids enrolled in the various clubs. Shit, he even knew all the activities the school had to offer, whereas I thought until this morning that Vic was a member of a comedy club. From the front gate, I could see lives slowly disappearing, one after the other. There were hardly any cars left in the parking lot, apart from the machines that I assumed belonged to the teachers who were still there. I know what all this means, but I'd like to think it's panic that's making me so disillusioned. They're still there, the show hasn't started yet, everything's fine, Vic's still in there, rehearsing his last lines, I'm going in with Lance, I'm going to see my son perform like a big boy he is. All's well that ends well.
“Mr. McLores...”
I can't remember the last time I heard someone call me that. And my eyes dart pathetically to the ring clutching my finger...
“Lance... Oh, thank God you're here! I-I...”
“Sir, I'm not sure it's worth our while to go in there_ he sighs_ it's already 7.15 pm...”
“We could always ask. I don't know, maybe there's still someone in there. Maybe, oh oh, maybe they've postponed the show for another day and Vic and Moon have already gone home...”
“Mr. McLores, I think you're getting wrapped up in a stress you can't handle-”
“Lance, I don't pay you every month to think or to replace my psychologist. I pay you to do exactly what I say, when I ask you to. And now I’ve called you because I’m sure you know about all these formalities, so stop thinking, and just get me where I need to be!”
On the retaliatory steps of the entrance gate stood a man .... Dressed in a white floral dress. Was he even a man at all? I ran up to catch up with him, Lance trailing behind me.
“Oh, evening sir. I'm so sorry to bother you like this, I think you might be rushing home to see your family... Oh, I'm babbling again, excuse me, excuse me! I'm Mason McLores, and I’m here for my little one's recital. Please tell me where to go...”
“I'm Miss Grange!”
“Oh... Miss? Oh!” I place both hands over my mouth, my eyes involuntarily widening... SHIT SHIT SHIT!
“Yes, ‘oh miss’, do you mind?”
I shake my head feverishly from side to side to indicate I'm sorry, I didn't know. She glares at me. I should apologize, but I'm afraid I'll say something stupid again, so all I can do is keep shaking my head feverishly in all directions.
“Miss Grange, please excuse sir McLores. We've come to see Victory’s show and we're afraid it's already too late...”
“Oh... But you, your face looks so familiar...”
“Ah... yes, I'm... I work for the McLores, Moon McLores, one of your students... Her father and I enrolled her in your art classes… Mr. Ryan McLores”
“Oh... I remember, yes, yes... So, you... You're the other dad of the McLores kids?”
I nod vibratingly. It's the only yes I can utter right now for fear of saying the wrong thing again.
“For someone who doesn't have the most conventional life and family, you've got a lot of nerve shaming me, Mr. McLores.”
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
“I'm so-”
“No need. For your information, the show ended about thirty minutes ago. I recall vaguely seeing your son in tears with your daughter and another man. I don't know why he was crying, since he's qualified for the next round. I certainly thought he wasn't very happy with his performance, you know, he's almost out of teeth, it must be hard for him... But looking at you... I seem to understand why he was crying”.
“If you want some advice Mr. McLores, rather than assuming how people live their lives and misgendering them in the process, perhaps focus on becoming a better parental figure to your kids, especially after the death of their father.”
I didn't retort. Honestly, what's there to say? She's absolutely right about everything. And I'm glad someone finally put me in my place.
I was sitting on the big sofa in the small living room, waiting for the kids to come home. I could hear faint voices. I knew it was them, and my heart was preparing itself for the worst. I wouldn't and couldn't stand there frozen; I had to hug my boy, show him that I was sorry, that I wanted to be there for him. But, like a vase shattered in the grip and rage of the utmost despair, his words stabbed and tore at my soul, hard and fast.
“You-you can’t pretendth to love me anymore since papa is dead righth? Is it because I’m adopted?”
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