(Sierra's POV)
"How about we go shopping?" Dallas asks Maddie and me as we're sitting in the living room.
Dianna and Eddie went out for a bit, Demi's upstairs, and the three of us are bored.
"I don't like shopping that much," I mumble.
"Why?" Dallas questions.
Because I'm so fat that nothing will fit. Because I have to watch what I wear to make sure my scars and cuts don't show.
I just shrug in reply.
"I'll go, but I won't buy much, if anything," I reason.
"You won't be paying for anything; I can cover that. But we need to get you some new clothes for when we enroll you in school."
"Fine," I sigh, giving in to Dallas' demands.
"Great!" she squeals. "I'll go ask Demi, too. Maybe she's in a better mood."
Dallas runs up the stairs, leaving Maddie and me on the couch.
"I'm gonna go change," Maddie announces, ditching me to go to her room to get ready.
And then there was one.
I'm already dressed, so I just wait. I don't hear any yelling from Demi yet, so maybe her mood really has brightened.
"Great news!" Dallas' squealing startles me as she runs back down the stairs.
"What?"
"Demi said that she'd love to go shopping with us. She just has to get dressed first."
I nod. I'm now worried about this shopping trip. What if Demi decides to be a bitch to me? My self-confidence is already non-existent, and she's not exactly helping the matter.
"I'm ready," both Madison and Demi chorus.
"I love your outfit, Demi," I compliment her without even thinking beforehand.
She's wearing a black tank top with a studded cross on it and dark jeans. She has black boots on her feet that have spiked heels. She's also wearing earrings and has a black purse. Her makeup is flawless: black smokey eyes and just a light amount of lip gloss. I'm kind of jealous. She looks perfect without even trying, and I'm hideous no matter what I wear.
"Oh, thanks, Sierra," she says, looking down at her feet. "I like your jacket."
"Thanks," I chirp, feeling my self-esteem rise a little with her compliment and the smile that accompanies it.
"You're welcome."
Dallas and Maddie are looking at us like we just revealed that we're aliens or something.
"What are y'all staring at?" I question while swallowing a giggle.
"Nothing," Dallas says, nervously clearing her throat. "Let's go."
The car ride is silent for a bit. Maddie and I are sitting in the back, Demi's in the passenger seat, and Dallas is driving. Maddie scoots forward in her seat and whispers something in Demi's ear that I'm not able to catch.
"Sure," Demi says with a nod.
Maddie smiles and sits back in her seat. I watch Demi pull a CD out of the glove compartment and place it into the CD player. She presses a few buttons to change the track listing.
"Please, Demi!" Madison pleads for something, but I'm not sure what.
Demi sighs and playfully rolls her eyes.
"Fine," she says.
Maddie claps and squeals with a giggle. Then Demi starts to sing.
"I can't sleep tonight, wide awake and so confused. Everything is in line, but I am bruised.."
Demi sings the entire song perfectly, and Maddie beams at her sister.
"You're really good. Like, you were spot-on with the track," I compliment her.
"Thanks," she says with a genuine smile.
Dallas was right about her smiles, too. They could light up a room. There is one question lingering in the back of my mind though. How did she sound so much like the girl on the CD?
I don't have much time to contemplate Demi's sensational singing, for we soon arrive at the mall. Demi, Maddie, and Dallas immediately jump from the car and start running toward the doors. I follow slowly behind, dreading the idea of shopping, since shopping usually involves trying on clothes, and clothes don't fit me because I'm too fat. I weigh, like, one hundred twenty pounds. I want to get down to below one hundred. That reminds me, I need to get a scale. There doesn't seem to be one at the house. I've already checked every bathroom, except for the one in Demi's room. I wonder if she would have one.
"Sierra, hurry up!" Maddie exclaims, running back to take my hand and drag me towards the entrance of the mall.
"Where should we go first?" Dallas asks as we enter the mall.
"Topshop," Demi says instantly, causing Maddie to giggle.
"That's still your favorite store?" Maddie questions.
"Duh," Demi replies with a smile.
We find the store, and everyone goes their separate ways. I walk with Maddie.
"Demi can spend hours in this store," Maddie informs me with an eye roll.
"How can you afford any of this?" I ask, eyeing the prices of the clothes.
Maddie shrugs like it's no big deal.
"We're just wealthier than some others, I guess."
I nervously eye the racks of clothes. Some of the items are really cute, but I know that I could never wear them.
"Are you going to try anything on?" Maddie asks me.
I shake my head no in response.
"Me neither," she says.
We leave the store with two bags, heading into another store that I don't catch the name of.
"Sierra, this is really cute! You should try it on," Dallas says, handing me a dress.
It's a really cute dress, but I refuse to try it on.
"It doesn't seem like my style, Dallas," I lie, handing the dress back to her.
She rolls her eyes but doesn't comment. I think she really wants me to let her buy me something, but I don't look good in anything. Plus I have more than enough clothes as it is.
"Well, what is your style?" she asks after I've turned down another couple of dresses.
"Um, I don't know," I lie for what seems like the hundredth time today.
Dallas throws her head back in exasperation.
"I like spikes and skulls." I say truthfully. "I like Demi's outfit. Use that as an outline."
I'm trying to work with her so that I don't seem rude, but I'm silently hoping that she'll just drop the subject.
"Well, why don't we ask Demi for fashion advice then? She's better at this than I am anyway," Dallas says, taking my hand and dragging me through the store in search of Demi.
"Demi, Sierra here is being picky about what clothing we can buy her," Dallas complains.
Demi laughs, finding this whole situation amusing. Dallas looks slightly annoyed; apparently, this shopping trip is a very serious matter to her.
"Demi!" Dallas whines.
"I-I'm sorry, Dallas, but I was the same way when I was her age."
"Yeah, but you-" Dallas starts to speak, but Demi interrupts her.
"Nope. Do not ruin my happy mood by bringing up the past. Sierra, let's find you something to wear for school," Demi says.
She takes my hand and begins pulling me throughout the store. What is it with everyone and dragging me around like I'm some sort of puppet?
Demi manages to find me two whole outfits in that store. How, I do not know, but she never picked clothes that would show my scars or cuts. That worries me. Does she know? No, there's no way. She hardly even spoke to me yesterday unless it was a bitchy remark.
We eventually visited almost every store on the first floor, and we are now walking on the second level of the mall.
"Dallas will be so proud of us," Demi giggles, holding up a bunch of bags.
I laugh, holding my fair share of bags as well.
The mood is light, happy, and playful, but like a light switch, Demi's expression suddenly becomes dark. When I glance up at her, she's wearing an emotionless face, looking completely hollow. She's staring ahead. I follow her gaze and see Old Navy, JCPenney, a vending machine, and a good-looking guy. Unless Demi is pissed off at the Pepsi in the vending machine, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that there's some obvious tension between her and that man.
"Demi?" his voice calls.
She stays impassive.
"Are you honestly giving me the cold shoulder, babe?" he asks.
Wait, did he just call her babe? Maddie never mentioned that Demi had a boyfriend. Demi turns around on her heel, speed-walking away from both the guy and myself. I jog to catch up with her.
"Demi?"
No answer.
"Demi?" I try again.
Still no answer.
"Damn it," I curse under my breath.
Looks like bitchy Demi is reappearing. We walk back to Maddie and Dallas in silence. Their smiles vanish as soon as they see Demi's emotionless face. The walk to the car is silent. The car ride is silent. Are you sensing a pattern here?
"I'll be in my room," Demi states in a monotone, hurrying out of the car and into the house.
"Should I go check on her?" I question.
"You can, but expect to get your head chewed off," Dallas replies. "What exactly happened?"
The three of us each take a seat in the living room as I respond.
"We were just walking around the mall, and she saw this guy and-" I start, but Dallas cuts me off.
"Wait, what guy?"
"I didn't recognize him. He seemed to be in his late twenties to early thirties. Latino, with dark hair."
"Damn it, Wilmer," Dallas curses under her breath.
"What's wrong?" I question.
"Nothing," Dallas answers too quickly. "You and Maddie just go to Maddie's room for a few minutes."
"Are you sure everything's alright?" I pry, unable to ignore how nervous Dallas seems.
"Yes, Sierra, please just go watch television or something."
I nod and head to Maddie's room with the eleven-year-old following behind me. We reach her room, and I watch her collapse onto her bed with tears running down her face.
"What's wrong, Maddie?" I ask, feeling extremely concerned.
"Nothing... And everything. You just don't understand, Sierra. You'd judge Demi or something, and she doesn't need that. But we're keeping you in ignorance of who we are, and I don't know if I can do it anymore," she chokes out through her sobs.
I sit down on her bed beside her and rub circles into her back.
Why won't she just tell me? I'm tired of feeling like everything's an inside joke or something.
Soon enough, her sobs cease, and she lays down and falls asleep.
Taking advantage of the opportunity, I quietly open Maddie's door and walk down the hall to Demi's room. I stand in front of the doorway, not able to see into her room but still able to hear perfectly. The door is open, so I'm guessing Dallas is in there.
"Demi, open the door," Dallas commands in a soft tone followed by a knocking sound.
I'm assuming that Demi has locked herself in her bathroom, but why?
"Demi, please open the door," Dallas pleads, desperation growing in her worried tone.
"Just go away, Dallas," I just barely manage to hear Demi's muffled words.
"No way in hell am I leaving you in this state again, Demi. Now open the door! I know damn well what you're about to do!" Dallas says followed by the jiggling of the knob.
"You don't know anything!"
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's the truth! You weren't there for me then, and you certainly aren't here for me now!"
"How can you possibly say that I'm not here for you? I'm out here begging you to come out of your bathroom."
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Demi screams.
"Because you're my sister. The last time I left you alone, you ended up having to be sent to fucking rehab, Demi!" Dallas yells.
Demi went to rehab?
"If I come out, will this conversation end?" Demi asks in a weak, exhausted-sounding voice.
"Yes."
I hear the opening of the bathroom door, and I take that as my cue to return to Maddie's room. I lay down beside Maddie on her huge bed and rerun Dallas and Demi's conversation through my head.
Demi went to rehab? But for what? Is she like all of those drunken celebrity crackheads?
My head starts to pound from all the thinking. I lay down and soon drift off to sleep.
****
I awaken to someone shaking me.
"What?" I sleepily grumble.
"It's time for dinner," Maddie informs me.
I almost groan. Dinner. Just the word sends a shiver down my spine and makes my stomach churn. I already yearn to purge, and I haven't even attempted to eat anything yet.
I manage to drowsily get out of the bed and walk downstairs to find the whole family around the table.
"Hey, Sierra," Dianna chirps.
"Hi," I say.
I glance around the table. Somebody ordered Chinese food. Maddie and Eddie are already eating, oblivious to the tension-filled room. Dianna is placing food on a plate while Demi and Dallas seem to be having a staring contest with plates piled with food set in front of them. Meow.
I claim the only empty seat. I'm sitting with Maddie on my left and Dallas on my right. Dianna sets the plate she had been filling in front of me.
"Eat up. There's plenty for everyone," she says with a warm smile.
The smell wafts to my nose, causing my stomach to grumble on instinct. How can such a fatass like myself always be so hungry?
The demons in my head are unleashed.
Just eat. You need the food.
Don't eat. You're already fat enough.
Eat or else the family will think you're a freak and hate you.
They'll hate you even more if you gain even more weight.
You're fat, ugly, and pathetic.
You're a hopeless, disgusting slob.
Emo freak.
I shove the plate away from me and quickly jump up from my seat. Everybody sends me an alarmed look, even Demi, but I ignore them. I run to my room and grab my blade from my suitcase, then rush to my bathroom and lock the door behind me.
I lean over the toilet, shove two fingers down my throat, and purge. I haven't eaten much, if anything, lately, so nothing but stomach acid comes up. It burns. I stop purging when I see blood, but I still don't feel satisfied.
I strip out of my clothing until I'm only in my undergarments. With shaking hands, I cut myself until I start to feel at least a little bit better. I clean up the blood and put my clothes back on. After flushing the toilet and rinsing my mouth out, I return to my bedroom and crawl under my bed. I hide the blade in the bed, wedging it somewhere between the frame and mattress. I pop a lemon flavored mint into my mouth and head back downstairs.
"Are you okay, Sierra?" Eddie questions.
"I'm fine," I reply with a hopefully convincing smile.
"Are you sure? You got up in a bit of a hurry," Dianna says in a worried tone.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry for scaring you, but I'm really tired, so can I just go to bed? I had a big lunch anyway," I ramble, adding the last part for good measure.
Dianna hesitates and glances at Demi, who's looking at me with a suspicious gaze.
"Sure," Dianna agrees somewhat reluctantly.
"Thank you," I say, letting out a small sigh of relief.
I walk back to my room, change into a set of pajamas, and lay down in my bed. I soon fall asleep.
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