• A Short Story Inspired By, “Change,” written by NF • (a couple lyric references in here)
Yet another day.
It felt like yesterday. Every day felt like the day before. Every day was just blended into one big day stuck on repeat.
Get up. Question life. Question whether I had the energy to eat breakfast today. I would just have a granola bar; cooking was too much work.
What was next in my daily schedule?
I chewed on the granola bar as I sat on the couch, my hair uncombed and wild, and my eyes half-lidded and bleary. I fiddled with my old sports jersey as I shifted my seating position. I’d stayed up last night - I’d stayed up every night. Not because I had things to do. Just…because. I’d been tossing in my sleep - well, I wasn’t really asleep, but I had been trying. And then I’d decided I’d stop trying because I wouldn’t fall asleep. My mind was a wild hurricane swirling through my head, over and over.
And there was no eye to that hurricane. It was all chaos. All those negative thoughts.
I did nothing today.
This is becoming a habit…but what can I do about it? Maybe it’s just me. It’s just who I am.
And then those thoughts worsened.
Didn’t text my friends…they don’t want to see me anyway, so whatever. I’d be wasting their time.
I didn’t go outside today at all. Eh, it’s not like I needed to do anything outside.
Oh…my friends wanted me to see that game with them. Maybe they didn’t want me there and were just trying to be nice. I didn’t need to go.
I feel sad. Though, I can’t help it; that’s just me.
Lies. You’re avoiding making a change, a voice in the back of my mind would whisper. Shut up, I’d reply back, either out loud or mentally.
And it was like that every morning during breakfast.
I threw out the wrapper of the granola bar and grabbed the Xbox controller. This was something that distracted me. Then again, it was the only thing that distracted me from life. What else did I do all day? Game…nap…question myself again…
And then I stopped.
I put the controller down.
Why? Well….I just didn’t feel like playing today.
“Whoa,” I said out loud. “Never had that thought in months.”
But then what else was I to do? What else did I do other than question what I was doing every day?
I dropped back on the couch. Why did today feel…different? I just didn’t want to stick to what I usually did.
But…at this point, I didn’t want to do anything new. Nowadays that was scary. I didn’t know why it scared me, but it did.
A new thought came into my head: What am I doing with my life?
“Nothing,” I answered out loud in my dead voice. And then I flinched. Nothing? I was doing something. Everyday I was…
Okay, I was doing nothing. Nothing productive anyway. It almost physically hurt to admit that.
So…did I have to do something new now?
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. How long was I stuck in this loop?
Five months. Five months after…well, after just getting demotivated. Tired of just creating content.
Now I needed to be honest: Was I tired of it?
It took a while for me to think about the answer, but after a few moments, I had to admit it.
“Yeah, I’m tired of this.”
I opened my dusty gray laptop sitting on the living room table. My music. The last time I’d published a song was back in July. It was December now.
But I didn’t know if I was completely ready to return to music. Maybe smaller steps.
I pulled out my phone from my shorts pocket and opened the Messages app. I went to Dexter’s contact.
Hey.
A few seconds came a response: What’s up, Mason? Haven’t talked to you in a while. Are you okay?
I almost cried at the last question, for whatever reason. Yeah, I’m okay, I replied back. Actually, do you wanna head to a restaurant for breakfast? Did you eat already?
No, not yet. But sure! Which place?
Denny’s? It’s close by here for both of us.
Cool. Meet you there at…8:15?
8:15, yeah. See you there.
I got up. It was 7:45.
I wasn’t used to getting dressed up - I mean, I knew how, duh, but I hadn’t done it in so long. Was I excited or scared?
I was breaking routine. A bad routine that I’d just realized was bad. That was exciting, at least in my perspective.
I wore a heavy jacket over a brown sweater and put on a pair of baggy leggings. It made me feel comfortable, at least.
I headed out the door. Fresh air - now that was sort of unfamiliar and yet it felt so good at the same time.
I started strolling down the sidewalk. A ten minute walk, not too bad.
I was going to hang with a friend for the first time in months. I actually felt the slightest bit uplifted in months.
I just needed change.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
