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For the third time in a row, I removed the food from my plate, not hungry. The conversation is not turning out to be engaging at all, and I am pretty bored.
- Actually, I think that Freud wasn't so wrong about his theories, in the end...
I'm hearing fragments of what my classmate tells me. He's a boy with brown hair and blue eyes who's telling me about his opinions on different topics that we are reviewing in college. I can see that he has put a lot of effort into getting ready this morning; he's dressed in a freshly ironed shirt, new pants, and wearing expensive cologne. I suppose he must have interpreted that I am interested in him because I accepted his proposal of having lunch together.
However, this isn't the case, in fact I only accepted because I would have felt bad otherwise. I have always had this feeling or this excessive empathy that makes me put myself in other people's shoes, and that's why I end up like this. The truth is that I don't find this guy attractive or to be a potential boyfriend, but I felt pity for him and didn't want to reject him, so I ended up accepting.
- What about you, Claire? What do you think? - he asks me -.
- Basically what you said. - I answer, because I haven't been paying attention -.
I internally damn my need to please people. Perhaps it's the education that I have received since I was little that has made me, over time, feel like I have an obligation to make people happy. Avoid their suffering too.
Then I start thinking of the dream I had the previous day, in which Daniel confessed his feelings to me. I clearly remember every detail, as it was an especially vivid one. My friend recommended writing down each dream and I have been doing so, perhaps that's one reason why I remember them more and more clearly.
I remember the exact moment when I told him that I didn't feel the same way. As soon as the words left my mouth and I could see his sad face, a giant pain filled my heart. Even if I hadn't been the rejected one, I woke up crying, with an overwhelming feeling of sorrow. Why would such a thing happen? What would drive my brain to build such a scene?
- Hey, Mario... I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I want to ask you... What do you think about dreams? Do you think they have something to do with the subconscious mind or are they completely random? - I say, trying to turn the conversation towards something that interests me -.
- Look Clara, I believe that all dreams can be interpreted. However, they only make sense when they are figured out. For me, they are messages sent by the unconscious mind, that must be deciphered, analyzed and understood. Each of the elements present in dreams has weight in our lives. - he says somewhat enigmatically -.
- So if I dreamed, for example, that a childhood friend declared his love for me... What does that mean, according to you?
- Well... Romantic dreams are recurring, and more when you want unrequited love... It is possible that you dream of that person you love so much if-
- No, no, no... I'm not interested in that person. - I say, interrupting impatiently -.
- Well, said dream is said to be very common among women... This happens because most of you only look for friendship in men, while we look for something else. Maybe it's a way for your brain to tell you that it'd be right to try something with that person... Maybe on a conscious level you only see him as a friend but unconsciously you see him as something else...
- I don't think that's it, really... - I say, bored again -.
Such a scenario wouldn't make sense... Daniel and I stopped being friends almost a decade ago, and I haven't heard from him in years. And, what I thought in the dream was true: I never felt attracted to him, because he was always a good friend to me. Also, our friendship didn't end because of a failed declaration of love, but because we ended up going to different schools and eventually stopped talking.
If there was really anything my mind wanted me to reflect about the dream, it would be the overwhelming pain I felt when I rejected him. Maybe my brain was trying to give me a wake-up call to solve my people-pleaser problems.
Or maybe there is just a small part of me that misses him, because it's true that for years we were very good friends, and those kinds of friendships always stay with you.
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