It was...hard. She wasn't sure she could look her mom in her face without feeling shame. She wasn't so sure she could look at her aunt without similar shame either.
One openly expressed her disappointment and the other was the mom of the person she was compared to. She felt as if she were disgraceful.
"Are you okay?" Rose questioned her.
"Uh-huh." Lotus absentmindedly hummed.
Being beside Rose was just as weird. Her mind kept on pinpointing every good thing about the girl as she looked towards her. She began to compare herself to her cousin once more.
Everything about her was so much better. Her behaviour, her energy, and not unexpectedly, her appearance. She wondered how someone could seem so confident as shown from her posture and the way she talked. The older girl never stammered and her words were excellently articulated, it was a big difference from Lotus.
The feeling that lingered in her chest, the nasty sludge of a feeling, was something she used to feel many times. She sadly knew what it was. She was envious. Jealous wouldn't be the word since Lotus' attributes weren't being threatened, she lacked the characteristics that Rose had and she desired those certain attributes. Just like...before.
Lotus listened as the adults talked about what school her cousin would be transferring to as the girl was talking to Jeongsoo. Rose was a self-assured girl so she would have no problem adapting. It should be easy for her to make new friends.
'Has she ever been to a sleepover? A party?' Lotus asked herself as her eyes fluttered over to look at Rose again, 'I bet she has. She's so lucky... She must be so loved at her old school, too. How does someone get so blessed?'
She looked down at her folded hands. 'I don't want to feel like this. Not to her. She's such a good person and she truly deserves to be as marvellous as she is. But... Mom...'
Rose set a hand on Lotus' folded ones causing her to jolt and look up. Her eyes widened as she saw Rose's smile. Not only stunning to see but it almost succeeded in soothing her.
"I hope—No, let me start over." She continued, "Please don't listen to Aunt Yeongja. You don't need to be super slim and perfect...whatever perfect is."
Lotus' cheeks began to heat up. She was thankful to Rose for trying to cheer her up, but she couldn't help but feel that it was just because she was pitied. After all, she would feel bad if someone insulted their child by comparing them to her and she would try to make them happy, too.
"Right... Thank you." She murmured.
"You know, since I'm closer, we can hang out more! Next year we can go to the Yeouido Spring Flower Festival together!" Rose chirped.
Lotus slowly nodded, "Sure, I'd like that."
Jin popped up next to them, looking between the two with a lazy simper. "Two girls, who got compared, talking to each other? Whose gonna backstab who?" He cooed out.
"Backstab?" Lotus repeated in concern.
"Stop trying to start stuff," Rose scoffed at him.
The boy just laughed and pointed over his shoulder at Cole who was surrounded by crayons. "He wants to play with you so come on." He said and walked off.
Rose mouthed her an apology and followed after Jin to amuse Cole. Lotus almost sighed in relief and stood up. She saw no reason to stay sitting. Everyone was now busy and didn't seek her out, leaving her to her own.
She sneaked to her room, edging by Paz who was on the sofa with a study book in hand. He kept his eyes on it as she closed her door, slumping in joy as she saw no one else but her plushies. She was once again being comforted by the four walls of her resting space.
'This is so much better.' She sighed in her mind, sitting on the chest that was near her small vanity.
She peered to her phone that was on her pillow, cosying up to her rainbow throw. Taking a deep breath in, she held it in for a second before exhaling and lazily rolling from the chest onto the bed. The bed didn't bounce much as she squirmed onto it more so her legs weren't on the floor and reached for her phone.
Outside her room, she could hear the adults laughing with each other making her nose scrunch, still slightly upset at what went on.
'I'm not even that big...right?' Her cheeks puffed out as she turned the phone on and opened up her gallery.
She scrolled through her recent pictures— Which were all downloads of random pictures— until she came across the full body picture of her. The one she sent to Haneul when she went to that event.
Her eyes narrowed at the photograph, moving along the outline of her body.
'I'm...admittedly not the thinnest.' She let out a sigh. 'This sucks. Who cares? At least I look cute, right? Right, me?!'
This time she sighed and said her thought out loud, "Cute? Probably. Beautiful and talented like Rose? No."
She stared at the ceiling, letting her phone drop to her side. "I mean, look at me! I need to be schooled here 'for the time being' and I can barely function around others. I'm not in any clubs, I'm not the golden child. My friends are my brothers and they're barely friends. I only have Haneul and we can never seem to find the time to meet."
She grabbed her whale plush and held it up above her, "What do I have that makes me special like Rose or like Jeongsoo or Paz? Locking myself inside? If only I could be Rose. She must have so many friends that don't use her for laughs.
"If I remember, she had Chin-Sun and Kyung as best friends. And they were just as good as Rose, Bloo! I'm just so...so...! I just don't know what in the world to do."
She set the whale plush down, deciding that it had enough of her ranting. Those poor black eyes were most likely begging for her to spare it her self-pity this time around. That stuff was supposed to be reserved for her fox plush.
Her arm moved and grazed her phone. She instinctually grabbed it once more, beginning to fiddle with the corner of her case.
"What if I just...get over this? Easier said than done, right? There's always going to be someone who wants to watch everyone suffer. I'll eventually have to face that. Ah, I already have someone like that in my life. Chance...and..." She brought her phone to her face and opened her contacts, "...That boy. That's right, I almost forgot about him."
There he was. The picture-less ID with nothing but his number and his name. With slight hesitance, she began to type on the screen.
'This is Donald Na, right?'
Lotus let out a puff of air and let her phone fall onto her chest. Her eyes were almost vacant as they stared into nothingness, almost regretting her choice.
If by some chance something went wrong, she would probably cry. She could be texting the wrong number or texting at the wrong time! Worse, she could just be overreacting and panicking over nothing, and deep down she knew she was.
'Who's asking?' Came the reply minutes after. She wasn't aware she was staring at nothing for more than a few minutes until she saw the time between the messages.
Her face flushed and she began to quickly type. Her fingers were trembling when they weren't against the screen of her phone. Starting conversations was so scary.
She sent the text with her name, hoping to everything nice that this time he'd remember it and use it. Even referring to her by her given name would be less embarrassing than the nicknames he could give her.
'The kitten. I was thinking you wouldn't text me.'
Yep, this was him. And he still referred to her in that way which made her want to hide her face. She pursed her lip and frantically texted.
'Was I not supposed to?'
Her confusion and panic could be felt through her words.
'No. No. It's just been a week since I gave you this number.'
"I didn't think it was that long," Lotus murmured to herself, swiping down on her screen to look at the date.
He was correct. It had almost been a week since that day. She had lost time again.
'Oh.'
'I'm sorry!'
She sent two texts and immediately cringed. "Why two?" She whispered out, throwing her phone across the bed, to bury her head in her hands.
Two would just make him think she was annoying! Okay, she was slightly annoying, she admitted that. But she didn't want to be that here!
Maybe she shouldn't try to befriend that boy. If he was truly like Chance, it would be for the best. Though, she doubted he was just like her brother, it was just her nerves getting to her. He wasn't actively going after her at any misstep.
When she heard the song of her notifications, she checked the device a bit too eagerly.
'Should I accept this apology?' She could almost hear his teasing tone.
'I truly am sorry!'
'I may as well accept it since you're begging.'
She deadpanned at her screen. Why must he text that?!
'Okay. Well, I hope you had a great day today!' She frantically typed out and sent. The adrenaline that shot through her against her conscious will was finally dying down as her phone pinged again.
'Oh?' She read the following message, relieved that she wasn't the only one who double texted in this situation, 'You know, you're too cute for your own good.'
Her screen went black as she turned off her phone and folded her hands with tight lips. Actually, she was fine now. Maybe she could rain check messaging him. Right now she needed to deal with her messy mind brought on by that unnerving text. At least the conversation distracted her from that self-loathing state.252Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWTXbklUAq
