CHAPTER 11
BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, BELIEVE IN SOMEONE
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"You are a fucking freak!", I shouted, holding the girl tightly in my arms. I didn't want her to see that crime.
"They were dangerous and in addition to guarding them we will have had to maintain them”, Hank justified himself.
"You like to play God, don't you? You decide who lives and who doesn't, right? Just like when you were trying to sell Deena to Charon! People have no value to you? You're a son of a...”.
"Shut up Lester! I don't accept moralizing much less from someone like you! Do you think perhaps you have a clear conscience?".
"I've never done anything like that in my entire life!".
"Bullshit, you always bragged about being a trigger-happy guy. You still haven't done it? Fine, maybe one day you will! Besides, they were just two dealers! They would have done the same thing as soon as the opportunity presented itself”, Jake interjected, stowing his weapon.
"Don't get involved! By what right did you shoot? I should arrest all of you! You're all just scum, fucking colonial scraps!".
"That's enough!" yelled Hank, "I think it's time to shut that mouth!".
"You and what army?", I mocked him.
He suggested that I come down from the roof and settle the score on the ground floor. I didn't let him tell me again and taking Deena with me I hurried down the stairs, then I led her to the jeep and handed her my pistols, complete with holsters. Hank appeared shortly after and handed Asif a pistol and a golden necklace around his neck. I stood in front of him, snapping my fingers and neck. He spread his legs, staring me in the eyes, and rolled his elbows to warm his shoulders.
"Now I'm going to spank you kid”, he said without taking me seriously.
"Come come”, I taunted him, staring into his icy eyes and put myself on guard. He clenched his elbows and raised his clenched fists, then mocking me he incited me to attack. Once again, I didn't let him repeat it: I hurled myself at him with all the speed I could muster in the seven meters of sprinting that separated us. I reached him in the air with a direct kick to the face. Damn, he was fast! He ducked just enough to avoid my foot but not too much to grab my tall, outstretched leg. Then taking advantage of my momentum he lifted me off the ground with little effort and projected me behind him. I fell flat on my face and tasted the dust. I was too stunned by the impact to notice that he still had my leg in his hands. I had become his plaything.
All of a sudden, I felt him swoop down on my back with his butt and he started to rotate my foot: he was spraining my ankle. I was blocked by his weight and by the pain. I don't know where I found the strength, the fact is that I managed to turn around and shake him off. He probably let go just for the sake of knowing how I would react. I was more careful for the rest of the fight. I concentrated on punches and rarely dared to kick. Regardless of me, I found Hank to be a true soldier. He was fast, accurate, cool and tough, so much so that I was the first one to tire. He lived up to his reputation, unlike me. I had taken a couple of blows when my knees buckled and I found myself at his mercy. He didn't rage, but he teased me. Jake was laughing beneath his moustache.
"Not bad for a brat, but I had you pegged better”, he said. I couldn't stand him so pleased with himself, especially after ordering a double murder.
"Shut up!" I yelled. I was starting to lose my sanity. I got back up.
I threw myself into the attack with new vigor. I simulated a high attack and then I threw myself on one of his knees. I mowed him down and he fell to the ground in pain, I could have raged but I decided to return the favor. He got up quickly and went on the attack, throwing punches at an impressive speed. I couldn't keep up with him, I was strangely tired and confused. I kept receiving blows to the stomach, ribs and cheekbones. Soon I realized that I was no longer attacking, only defending and very badly. I was cooked and Hank took advantage of it without too much remorse. He stopped the bombardment, waited for my punch and as soon as it came, he grabbed my arm and made me rotate quickly around him; then he threw me, as if an athlete throws his weight in the Olympics. I ended up inside one of the windows of a house a couple of feet away from where we were fighting. The end.
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"Welcome back”, Deena's voice welcomed me into the world. I opened my eyes slowly and focused. She was on top of me looking down at me smiling. "I'm losing count of the number of times I've found you unconscious. How many is that?".
"Ha, ha, funny... that hurt... how long have I...?".
"Maybe an hour”.
"And where...”.
"They said you'd have to walk it off as punishment. We're still here and I stayed to share your punishment”, she explained.
I stood up in pain and looked around. They had dragged me to where the jeep used to be and left some water and some fresh fruit from the day before. How kind of them.
"He said he had a good time”, Deena added.
"My head is bursting”, I complained.
"You were weird before, out of shape. He wouldn't have beaten you if you hadn't overestimated yourself. You just got better, what were you thinking?".
"I lost it, my head”, I admitted. "As usual. But I thought I could make it”.
"When you fought Charon you were much stronger. Even in Paris you became... What changed? How does it work?".
"It was different”.
"What was different?".
"Nothing, don't worry”.
Deena huffed in distress. "Always like that. No way to trust me, right?"
I made an effort to share more with her. "Treating myself requires energy. From food and if that's not possible from muscle or fat. By dint of healing myself on an empty stomach, I'm disappearing. Less muscle, less strength. Not to mention anger. With you around I can't get as angry as I used to and... um... rather, be very careful of Hank and his people. They're criminals and today you got confirmation of that. They may be nice to us, but they're murderers and pirates. If Charon hadn't scared them off, they would have cashed in your sale and be out enjoying their money without remorse. You must not be deceived”.
"Deceive?", she smiled. "What do you take me for?".
"What do you mean?".
"Look, I'm not a stuffed animal”, she said patting my nose with her index finger. "I grew up in Paris, pretty much on my own. Even before that, on the rooftop... did you want to protect me from that thing? I've seen worse murders. I've seen worse things. I've seen two cops rape a prostitute right in front of the building in front of mine. I've seen the K.C.'s wrap a man up in duct tape and pieces of cardboard and set him on fire for not selling the drugs they gave him up front without paying for them. That junkie had shot up half of it and they didn't like it”.
"Fuck”, I said impressed.
"Oui je sais, I don't have a grim look like yours and I don't like to swear or punch people. I don't like violence, I don't like crime and I prefer to talk clean if I can. I've never been happy being a street rat. I've always hoped for a better future for myself Daith. But I'm not a princess in distress. I get by if I have to”.
"Hmm. Sure”, I nodded. I'd had a demonstration of that on the beach the night before. Deena could scramble and react when needed, and her life had certainly not begun the day I'd met her. "You'll admit though...”.
"What?".
"Well, I can't be distracted for a moment with you”, I said between serious and cheeky.
"Oh, mais... who's talking!".
We looked at each other for a few moments, then burst out laughing. After all, we were both masters at getting into trouble.
"How do you say in French? Touché? Ah, fuck that hurts...”. Deena noticed my distress and moved to support me by taking my torso gently with both hands, helping me to sit up. Then she laughed again, this time at me. "What?", I asked gruffly without grasping what was so hilarious about seeing me reduced to that.
She tugged at my ear. "You should stop”, she said softly, "taking yourself so seriously all the time”.
It was a long journey back to the resort, especially because of the pain in my ribs and back that accompanied me all the way. Deena stayed by my side the whole time, stopping every now and then to let me rest and to linger on the sea that never left us for the duration of the journey westward.
She loved that place, much more than I did. There were no rules, no obligations, no boundaries, no politics on that island. Just human beings struggling with themselves.
We arrived in the evening and as soon as we reached the camp she greeted me by running to say goodbye to Christelle while I went to rest until late. I went down only when I smelled the smell of food cooking on the fire. Once at the bivouac, I didn't look anyone in the face, grabbed some meat and after eating it silently I got up and went back to my room. It was the most silent meal since we landed on the island. No one dared speak, except for Deena and Christelle who were chatting amongst themselves. I climbed the stairs of the dilapidated house and threw myself strangely exhausted on the mattress and collapsed.
The next day I opened my eyes filled with a peace I hadn't felt in a long time. I was refreshed and strangely at ease. The sun's rays filtered through the window and spread across the dirty opposite wall of the room. I was enveloped in an unusual warmth and soon, as soon as I came out of my drowsiness, I realized the cause.
Deena was there sleeping peacefully with her head resting on my chest, all balled up like a kitten. I could hear her breathing and I could also hear her heart beating quietly as sleep enveloped her. I was definitely surprised and the first thing I could feel was embarrassment. However, I didn't know how to act. Of course, it wasn't the first time she had fallen asleep like that and I decided to stay put. I was torn, I knew I shouldn't allow her to have any illusions and I also knew I had to leave her out of my life.
She was sleeping carefree and peaceful and I couldn't find the courage to move and wake her up. I stood there staring at her for I don't know how long. I found myself smiling.
It was after moving one leg slightly that I noticed another interesting element. There was also another hand that was hugging me and unlike Deena's, it was of a decidedly lighter complexion even if tanned. I slowly moved my head and saw that Christelle had fallen asleep behind me, hugging me. Now that was a surprise. I then heard heavy footsteps on the stairs slowly approaching and Jake's head peeping into the room. He stared at us, then chuckled, "I knew it would end up like this”.
I lifted an arm and made a sign with a finger that he was wrong but without taking me seriously he made a gesture with one hand indicating me to get off, and then disappeared retracing the path made on the way out.
I huffed, then looked again first at Deena and then at Christelle, only to realize that the latter was awake and staring at me. I was about to ask for an explanation, then I remembered that I only had to think the question and in fact she whispered back that she simply felt left out. I decided I didn't want to know more, so free of the blonde's grip I got up from the mattress without waking Deena, then I went down the stairs.
As I exited the house, I noticed that they were all gathered around a pile of junk. As soon as he saw me, Hank greeted me. I didn't answer.
"Listen, we'll be able to build a power source out of the stuff we salvaged yesterday. We were thinking of using it to power a transmitter, how about that?" he asked. I stood in silence. "Did your tongue go dry?" he asked spatially. I continued to stare at him undecided whether to answer or punch him.
"That's likely boss”, Jake interjected. "Maybe one of them went hard last night, right Daith?".
I probably blushed a lot because my explanation didn't seem to change the general opinion. Only Asif seemed to be convinced of my version, but he didn't say anything. Hank laughed a little, then became serious again: "Would you be able to build a transmitter out of this stuff?".
I looked at what he had to offer. There was enough material to try.
"I could build a beacon and have it send out an SOS in Morse sequence. I can set it to a military frequency and hope someone notices the signal. If we reach enough power, maybe they'll send someone out to see and with any luck...”.
"Yeah okay. Then let's get to work. We found some old photovoltaic cells. Maybe we can put together a generator and a battery”, Hank said.
After breakfast everyone went to work, and so did I. I didn't have much choice of materials and equipment. I didn't have much choice in terms of materials and equipment: just think that I had to red-hot a stick of iron on the fire to use it as a soldering iron for the various contacts.
Working was doing me good, keeping my mind focused and clear of the thoughts that had developed that morning. I accepted that I enjoyed being with Deena. Her presence, her care, her person, everything about her had become like a drug that I was addicted to. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was capitulating, that I was failing in my purpose, that I was beginning to have feelings for her.
No, I had actually had feelings for Deena for quite some time, I was just beginning to accept them, to take those feelings into consideration. And in doing so, I had gotten burned with molten tin and was now cursing at the circuit board in front of me. A pretty significant lesson, I thought.
Those feelings were the cause of my burn, that burning pain. A small thing but "had it been a bigger deal?", I said to myself. Letting go of those feelings was the wrongest thing I could do, I kept telling myself.
Towards late morning the girls finally came downstairs and finished the fruit that was left over. Christelle was smiling and Deena was also beaming, however she avoided looking at me, embarrassed.
My heart was beating fast, full of emotion. My second heart, on the other hand, was acting out of sync with its usual rhythm and was not increasing in beats. This happened in case of threat, of danger. But that adrenaline, that emotion, those beats.... Enough! I couldn't stand it anymore. I decided that I had to end the story and quickly. I got up from where I was working and approached Deena, then sat down at her side.
"Listen you two”, I began by addressing both of them, "we need to get a few things straight. If there are three mattresses and a big enough room, maybe it's time to make use of all the resources! I don't allow myself to take certain liberties, so let's keep our distance”.
"She started it”, Christelle replied childishly.
"But... but you told me I could!", defended Deena embarrassed.
"I... what did I say?".
"Yes! I asked you!".
"When?".
"I asked you, "Daith can I sleep next to you? I'm not comfortable,' and you said, 'Do whatever you want as long as you leave me alone.'" She said this sentence trying to imitate my gruff voice and Christelle burst out laughing.
'I don't remember anything like that,' I thought. 'You made that up,' I accused, crossing my arms.
"You didn't! I woke you up on purpose!" resented Deena.
"Sorry to intrude”, Christelle interfered, "Daith you don't remember. You answered her in your sleep, automatically, without even listening. It had been night for a while already”.
I remained thoughtful for a moment. In my sleep I probably hadn't thought it necessary to push her away and my spontaneous reaction was to let her come closer. I felt guilty and uncomfortable for all the wrong reasons. I growled a "let's just leave it at that”, decided to call it a day, and went back to work. Deena, however, seemed anything but pleased with my reaction.
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There was no real conversation between us for several days. So time passed, in the monotony of the work to build the transmitter, and the tense atmosphere between the two of us who continued to ignore each other began to affect the rest of the group.
I witnessed a sort of division among the people, those who supported Deena calling me a bastard and those who incredibly supported me. Needless to say, Christelle Asif and Jake were rooting for Deena and the blonde was the meddler who had informed the rest of the castaways of the facts.
If anything, there was an improvement, albeit unexpected. You actually buried the hatchet with Hank when he apologized for beating me up.
It was nighttime, the fire had begun to languish, and everyone was now asleep. Only the two of us were still there in front of the house. I was embarrassed to be in the same room with Deena awake and I had gotten into the habit of going to bed late, counting on the fact that she was already asleep.
"Why on earth would you apologize? It was a settlement of accounts”, I said disdainfully.
"A silly regulation”, he explained. "Boy, I respect you. I also respect what you told us on that rooftop. We didn't have the right to shoot that shit. You're not like us you... you still believe in the system. In honor, in laws, in Humanity. Living outside the system, like we do, makes people tougher”.
I thought about Deena. She too lived on the fringes of that system and struggled against it. Deep down was she like Hank too?
"That doesn't erase your crime”, I said.
"Crime? What's a crime?" the man asked, throwing some wood to rekindle the fire.
"An act that goes against the conventions that rule the life of human civilization”, I replied. I had read it somewhere. "Or common morality”.
"Perfect. Conventions. A convention is a custom that everyone agrees to in order to continue the activities of their system. But here boy, we are outside the system. Here you are the foreigner and we are the hosts. Surviving in a hostile, wild environment involves sacrifices and choices you would call inhumane”.
"Bullsh...”.
"Hear me out, ever been on a colony?".
I hesitated to answer. "Yes”.
"In the Domains everything is artificial. The air, the light, the water, the temperature, the pressure. Everything is imported. Everything is manufactured. Everything is limited. The food, the space... If there's not even the right gravity, even going to the bathroom is an uncomfortable thing. On a colony, those people would steal all of that at our expense and at the same time try to kill us”.
"We're not on a moon of Jupiter here, we're on Terra!".
"We're on a fucking island in the middle of the ocean! Stranded, abandoned and only wanted by those who want us dead. An island in the middle of the ocean is like a colony in the middle of space the way I see it! Limited resources, high danger!".
The comparison struck me.
"Maybe after 15 years in space I'm seeing things as wide-eyed.... I'm not saying it's the right way. But it's the way my group, which is also the majority of this group, sees things. I protect my teammates, boy. From any threat and in no uncertain terms”, he explained. His gaze was steady, serene, consistent.
I stood silently watching the fire devour the few remaining twigs. I threw a couple of them picked up from the ground. Hank wanted to protect his group, protect his companions. No crime, just survival. A pure act that a wealthy and idealistic cadet like me found hard to accept.
"I don't demand that you approve. I do wish, however, that you didn't hate me for that choice. Even the girls’ hunt...”. He was touching on the real issue at hand. "... it's just business”.
"Business?", I blurted, standing up with clenched fists.
"Sit down cowboy, you don't need to freak out at every little thing to show you're tough. Sit down and let me finish”, he said as calm as ever. I listened to him without ceasing to look at him dully.
"In a world of peace and love, without criminals, terrorists, rebels... what would be the point of the FMP, the military... the community police?".
"None”, I replied very candidly.
"Exactly. Yet these things have existed as long as man has existed”.
"Men are always divisible into honorable and scum”, I replied scornfully.
"Oh, really?" he laughed amused. "I envy that clear worldview of yours, I really do! But at my age you know, you get to see it differently”.
"To justify what you've become?", I asked provocatively.
"Right! Become! Becoming someone is a matter of choice. Always, there is always a choice. I became a mercenary, disgusted with the system that you defend instead. I'm not going to throw myself into a bush of political chats with you son. I chose to be a soldier for hire. For anyone who would pay. No ideals, no ties, just money. To eat, to live. I only know how to be a soldier... Had you been ordered to arrest Deena, what would you have done? I'll tell you! You'd have killed anyone who stood in your way, you'd have grilled the prisoners for information... all legal, Humanity commands the cadet obeys!".
"I…”.
"You're like me, except you work on exclusive. If Humanity had hired me to get Deena, I would have done the same things. You can't brand us as bad guys just because we were on opposite sides”. Hank spoke with a frightening firmness, without any doubt or shame. "I lost a lot of comrades. Many friends in this story. Some you killed… men I had fought with for Humanity while you were still in diapers. But I never avenged them as you would”.
"Do you want to kill me to avenge them?", I asked with a streak of fear.
"No boy. I wanted to, I won't deny it... but it would go against what I believe in”.
"And what do you believe in, selling your gun to the highest bidder?".
"I believe in war and the play of sides. No one is bad or good. Just friends and enemies, existences that momentarily clash to vie for victory. Tomorrow they might change, those alliances. What happens during the battle, however, is decided by a mix of skill and fate. You were skillful, you defeated and killed them. They were armed too and if they could have killed you. No hard feelings, though their death pains me greatly. After all, why do you think we are reduced to confrontation? The elites send us to die for their interests. It all comes down to money and power, if you let yourself be convinced that it is a matter of freedom or religion you are just a poor idiot who will die without even knowing why. I know why I risk, for the money that will give me a better future".
I threw a foot of dust on the embers and the fire was extinguished. Only the white starlight reflected in our eyes illuminated our silhouettes.
"Hank, I cannot accept the choice you have made. Humanity and the system as you call it are humanity's only barrier against chaos. Those who oppose it are my enemies and I will fight them”, I said with conviction. "However... I very much appreciated this view of the battlefield of yours and not only because it seems you will not kill me”.
"Thank you. But remember. Only until I get paid to do it”, he smiled.
"Whatever offer they make you, let me know. I'll double it for you”, I greeted him.
I went to sleep changed. Hank had surprised me and demolished many of my childish certainties. In my mind, something began to break.
Days went by, but eventually I was able to finish the transmitter.
That night was clear and serene, the stars shone in a sky with a beautiful crescent moon and very few clouds. I was strolling back and forth on a promontory to the north of the island, a high relief that dropped sheer into the sea from which one could admire a boundless flat horizon. It was situated not far from where we had landed the day we crashed there. Next to me was the radio apparatus I had been working on in operation and I was nervously waiting. It was just a radio beacon that transmitted pulses on a single frequency, a homemade contraption with little power, but it was our only hope. I had lit a small fire that slightly illuminated the darkness and diluted the fresh air. I sat down not far from the flame and lit the last cigarette I had left. I began to stare at the stars, sucking in the smoke every now and then. It was funny to think that some of them were satellites, others were shuttles in orbit... and one of them could have been Charon's base.
After all that time on that island, I hardly missed civilization and the reasons that had brought us there had lost their importance.
I felt light; the anxieties, the doubts, the recurring torments that stung my existence arm in arm with my personal and ambitious motives, lost strength. How much longer would we
remain there? In that small corner of planet Terra, abandoned by men decades before, nature and humans, somehow, coexisted in peace. With little we had learned to survive and coexist, we who were mortal enemies.
I longed to leave, as I longed for the transmitter not to work.
It was a sound of light and quick footsteps on the grass that aroused me from those thoughts in an instant. Deena slowly lay down a few inches from me and began to look at the sky. We stood there staring at nothing in silence, without anyone finding the courage to speak.
"Well…”, we said in chorus. "You first!", we continued, always in sync. She laughed and I blushed.
"I'll start”, I proposed. She smiled, still looking at the sky, and I interpreted it as a yes. I hesitated a few more moments, drew in a puff of smoke, exhaled it, and worked up my courage. "I'm scared Deena”.
"About me?", she asked puzzled.
"Of what you do to me”.
"What do I do to you that's so horrible?".
I breathed in and out for courage. "You make me fidget. You make me distracted. You make me happy and sad in the space of thirty seconds. I'm not used to this and... it scares me”.
"You're not scared of throwing yourself into the void from a hundred feet but you're scared of a girl? You do have a heart!", she chuckled, teasing me.
"Ha, ha, I have two if you must know, jerk”, I retorted in annoyance.
"Sure! Small and withered”, she continued in the same vein.
I snored under my breath, lashing out at my cigarette, now well past the halfway mark.
She gave me a childish tongue. "Christelle was right, I should have listened to her. When she said you were an inhibited guy, she meant it”.
"Let's just say I'm not used to girls sneaking into my bed”.
"I can hardly believe it”, she ironized.
"Now even sarcastic!", I spaced out.
"Ne t'énerve pas, okay? I asked for your permission! But alright, I disrespected you sorry. Guys in my neighborhoods are a little happier if a girl shows herself... available. I know I'm cute, it's never happened to me to be... rejected”.
"It may be that I'm from the midwest.... It doesn't matter. I overreacted. You have nothing to apologize for, really”. I had never really experienced what Deena had done as disrespectful, quite the contrary.
"Maybe if you talked to me more, I'd be able to keep you from getting mad, non? I'd like to know more, about you”.
"What's the point?", I asked closing in on myself.
"Haven't you ever been interested in someone to the point where you wanted to help them and also wanted to stay... closer to them?".
"Yeah, but I didn't make it”, I replied. I was thinking about my biggest failure. I was thinking about John. "What's wrong with you? Are you worried about me? I told you don't have to”.
"Yes I mean no... I mean... you can take care of yourself. I just wish I was closer to you”.
"Why?"
"What kind of questions are you asking?", she asked embarrassed. "Come on tell me about yourself, what's the big deal? It's not like I'm going to eat you”.
"Wasn't apologizing enough?".
"What if I told you I was still angry instead? Cause you're smoking, you know I don't want to!".
"Well, it was the last one anyway and it's over”, I said blowing out the last puff. I sat down and spit the now filtered cigarette into the fire. "What would you like to know in short?".
"I don't know... where are you from?".
"Ohio. My dad was American or Irish I don't know, my mom was... she's Irish. At ten I ended up in the academy. At fourteen I killed for the first time. Is that enough for you?".
"For the KCs, killing the first time is a rite of passage. If you kill for the gang you go from satellite to family member. Many of them, however, live poorly afterwards. They have so many problems with their conscience and they do more drugs than they used to so they don't have to think about it. How do you... live with that?".
"I don't know. It depends a lot on the context. Sometimes I think it could have been avoided, other times I think the bastard was fine with it. One more or one less in my case I don't think it makes a difference. The trick they say is to not stop and look at the bodies you've created beyond the bare minimum. There's just one victim that... I couldn't get out of my head”.
"That monster Charon”, she guessed.
I let a bitter sneer escape. "Charon... John wasn't always Charon. Nor a monster, as you say. My big brother was a wonderful person”.
"You're kidding, right?”, she said incredulously.
I wanted to trust her. "I'm going to tell you the truth. The only one I know. Do you like stories?".
"I love stories”, she said.
"I don't think you'll love this one. I feel like you need to know it even though it's unpleasant for me. Take it as a test of trust”. She made herself comfortable.
"John is a traitor. But not since he came to power on that space station. His betrayal started years ago”, I recounted.
"What happened between you?", she asked.
I took a breath before answering. I was going to tell a long story, something new to me.
"It all began shortly after my fifteenth birthday. In fact, strange events began shortly before that. I was at the academy in Seattle, John on the other hand had switched from SR to SpecOps, I believe he commanded a company and traveled often. He left for Mars shortly after changing assignments and when he returned, he was a different person. Also physically. Despite the dangers he had been in all his life, John was too good for anyone to hurt him. You make fun of me because I always end up knocked out and you're right. He sure as hell wasn't going down. He didn't have a scratch, a scar, a blemish, nothing. It was strange to see his hands like that, all scarred up. He never told me what happened to him.
Rather, he told me that he was tired. All that time on board had exhausted him, worn him out, he wanted a change of life, he wanted a break. He wasn't tired of his job, I guess. He was looking for new opportunities and during the time he was weighing some of them, he devoted himself to being an instructor at my academy, in Seattle. Many saw nepotism in his choice, but he quickly debunked them. John had no intention of playing favorites with me, on the contrary! He was harder on me than on others.
He became increasingly gloomy, grumpy, suspicious. He limited himself to doing his job, during the day, while in the evening he often locked himself in his quarters, always alone with his SAI. Then there was a murder”.
"A murder? But that's terrible”, Deena commented, increasingly engrossed in the tale.
"Yeah. A body was found with a broken neck, inside a bunker in our training area near the academy. Hoberman's name was. Jalen Hoberman. A good man, an old friend of John's, perhaps his best friend. He had been beaten and shot to death. Of course, no one even remotely speculated that Sean might have had anything to do with it... however... Hoberman had come to Seattle specifically to visit him”.
"Sean?" asked Deena confused.
"I meant John. Yeah, our mother... she called him that. Anyway, I was saying that no one could have even guessed that John was responsible for the murder. There was no motive and no evidence. He seemed to have fallen off the roof of a bunker and it was thought to be an accident. However, I did notice one thing. Only I, who knew him better than anyone else, knew that John was not being truthful at that moment. The brother I had grown up with would have turned mountains over in anger and fury at losing such a close friend. He would have threatened FMP investigators with death if they didn't produce compelling evidence on a culprit. That was my John”.
"In that you are alike”, the girl admitted. "Only in that, though”.
I didn't indulge that comment and continued the story. "But he didn't say anything. He didn't go knocking on Burris' door for news, he didn't take an interest in the investigation. John said and did nothing. That death seemed not to touch him, and in the days and months that followed, he seemed not to miss his friend”.
"Why would he do such a thing?" she asked lecherously.
"After my birthday, John commanded us during a training operation in Bolivia. Our purpose was to identify and destroy an ideologically-driven terrorist cell operating near a forested area. Those assholes were using the jungle as a logistical base, but it was the towns they went to attack on a weekly basis now, with car bombs and shootings at FMP patrols. For us sophomore cadets it was a perfect mission and I was thrilled to be part of that search and destroy along with my hero.
We left excited, all of us, about the venture. Everyone except John. He was quiet, focused. It wasn't mission concern, that one. Our school company was among the best in the academy and the best in the entire second year. John had trained us well; he knew we had everything we needed to take on a small group of insurgents. We were so young and yet already dangerous enough to kill them all.
I went to talk to him, the night before I left, but he left me outside the door, so I couldn't tell him anything. Now I know he had already made all the decisions”.
"So you left the next day and he was in charge”, Deena pressed me.
"Yeah. Drones and satellites had given us all the information we needed. The insurgents' base was a natural cave on the side of a mountain, housing about 20 insurgents.
The goal was to eliminate all the rebels, destroy all their equipment and blow up the cave. A good general cleanup, no time or money to spend on a process with predictable outcomes. We set off on foot and began an almost two-day march into the heart of the jungle, in order to get behind the enemy and eliminate them by surprise”.
"I have a question”, she asked.
"Tell me”.
"I don't know about that but... why send you? Wouldn't it have been enough to fire a missile?".
"It wouldn't be educational”, I explained.
"Educational?".
"Yeah. It was our test. A test for us cadets. We would get a grade for our actions in combat and an award for those who distinguished themselves”, I explained.
"Oh, I think I understand. It's the talk you used to have when I first met you. The same mechanism that led you to faire la tête", she sighed.
"Yeah... exactly”, I admitted after my SIA was translated. "That's how things work for us. However, we never made it to the cave”.
"Why?"
"Can't you imagine?"
Deena thought about it for just a moment, then said without hesitation, "Charon”.
"Yeah”, I confirmed. "John perpetrated his treachery just less than a kilometer from the enemy base. First, he scattered us under the guise of detaching a core for reconnaissance
before the attack. No one was suspicious, it's normal. So, he left with five people to carry out this reconnaissance.
"He came back alone I guess”, Deena anticipated.
"No. I mean yeah, but it didn't come back in plain sight at all. He started hitting us, all of us, one by one”.
"What are you talking about?".
"I was paired with a partner and friend, one Andrea Gates. I remember everything like it was yesterday about those moments. We were there, thrown into the bush, when suddenly we heard gunshots not far away. We were trying to be as camouflaged as possible, our faces all painted green and covered in foliage. The blasts made us jerk with fear, we weren't expecting them so soon.
I asked Gates if he had seen anything, but he said no. How could he? After all, we were there, it was dusk, the jungle was almost completely black around us. We were forbidden to use night vision equipment, we had to pass a training module of pure guerrilla warfare, with technology reduced to the bone.
I told him to stay there and I would go ahead and see for myself. He trusted me, the good Gates, and that trust saved his life. I walked for a while in the direction of the other allied holes, hoping to get some information”.
"Why didn't you ask by radio?", asked Deena very intelligently. "Or with your AI over the net?".
"You couldn't. There had been total radio silence imposed on us by John, and no one expected him to do that so he could slaughter us more comfortably. Anyway, I walked up to join the others and what I saw was... horrible”.
Deena noticed that my eyes were getting red, however, in order not to hurt my pride, she simply blamed the smoke from the fire and handed me some water. I appreciated that discretion and thanks to that gesture I was able to resume the story.
"I can't forget that image Deena. I can't. He was holding a girl by her hair, her name was Sonja Vondrak... a very sweet girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Come to think of it, she looked a lot like our Christelle... he was holding her and slowly cutting into her throat, like cutting a piece of meat on a cutting board. She groaned, gurgling and he... that son of a... he stared at her indifferently. I...”.
My voice began to shake, my eyes to burn. Deena held me tightly by holding onto my arm, then began stroking my hair. "Calm down”, she said. "It's okay. You don't need to go on”.
"No. I have to finish. I have to deal with it”, I said strengthened by her presence. "When... when he was done with her, he looked up and saw me. I was a myriad of Deena emotions, so many that I couldn't even say what I was feeling at that moment. Or maybe I could, a word there is. Horror. Just horror. I didn't even have the strength to say her name. At that moment, even John seemed undecided about what to do. But only for an instant. He drew his gun and fired a shot right at me.
I don't know if it was surprise or last-minute hesitation. It didn't hit me, it hit Gates, a glancing blow to the leg.
He fled towards a mountain, without looking back for a second. Before I let myself get angry, I made sure Andrea was able to take care of her wound, fortunately not serious. Then I became furious, as never before and what you know happens to me when I lose control happened. That was the second time it had happened to me in my entire life. I ran after John, screaming, not caring about the enemies at a short distance. Instinct led me to him and we faced each other”.
"What happened?".
"The second we were face to face, the fury left me. I was in disbelief, unable to comprehend what was happening. As if everything I had seen before hadn't been real. I couldn't believe it. Yet, I had seen it happen. I remembered his words. He said, «I'm sorry, Daith, there's no other way. You have to die too». I had tears in my eyes. I didn't understand why, I couldn't.
We looked at each other for a few seconds. And he hesitated again. He lowered his weapon and seemed almost moved. I had never seen him cry, ever, in my entire life. That night, was the closest I saw him come to shedding a tear. «I know you can't understand. But there's no time! Come with me!», he said. Come with him? Where? Why? By what right then was he asking me such a thing? I asked him exactly these questions, between tears. He looked at me, still with the gun lowered, and said this last sentence: «We are the enemy».
In that instant, I knew that the man who was my brother was dead. John didn't have that fiery look, full of hope or strength. His eyes were cold, dull.
I pointed my rifle and shot him in the leg. The shot went through his thigh from side to side and the pain and fright were such that the weapon slipped from his hand. There he was, at my mercy. I hesitated. The emotions were too many and too strong for me to really choose another way. I fired two more shots, into his chest. The impact threw him back and he fell, down the cliff".
Deena's eyes swelled with tears. "It's terrible”, she said tearfully. "It was really horrible. I can't explain it Daith but it's like you can feel what you're feeling”.
"With John done for, I went to retrieve Gates, broke radio silence by contacting help over the net. When the back-up group arrived, they found several wounded cadets, Sonja's body and the terrorist base deserted, as if alarmed, they had hastily pulled up their tents. I had to tell them that it was John who had done everything... at first, they didn't believe me. Only Gates' testimony convinced them. The next morning, we searched for the body.
All we found were some bloody rags. In fact, large predators were quite common and hungry in that area and we thought that what was left of him had been eaten by a local animal, after having dragged him into its den. John Lester was declared missing in action but disowned and dishonorably discharged. The incident, if you want to call it that, was covered up. If it had been known that a soldier had freaked out like that, uncomfortable inquiries would have started at every level. It was Burris, my dean, who insisted.
He knew that John and I shared the same blood and the same gift. If he had known, I could have been in danger. He was my father's friend and he didn't want me to end up sacrificed because of that rotten apple.
But word spread around the academy. The survivors didn't blame me directly for what happened, but... I was still his brother. People distanced themselves from me and I distanced myself from them, out of shame. I wanted to be transferred but the rector wouldn't let me. Since then, I keep to myself, if I can".
"I called you privileged”, Deena squeezed in. "Now I wish I never did”.
"Thanks”, I smiled appreciating her empathy and sweetness.
"Did you finally understand why? What did he mean by those words?".
"I don't know. His reasons remain a mystery to me, unfortunately. To see him at the head of that organization though... maybe his purpose was to disappear to join them. I don't know. He said I had to die, then changed his mind as if he wanted to take a risk... but why go after that cadet? Sonja had never stood out as dangerous. She was more like one of those nice people who talked to everyone. John would have killed me, he killed her, but he spared the others. I don't know what to think...”.
"Thank you Daith. For trusting me”, she said. "Do you know? This is just the first time you've ever opened up to me”.
"Too bad it was such a sad story”, I said dejectedly.
"I bet if I ask you one more question another sad story comes out”, she smiled. "Do you remember your parents?".
"Not much”, I replied. "Another sad story, gotcha”.
"At least you remember them! What were they like?".
"My father was a famous soldier and also a good father when he was around. I remember him as a cheerful person even though he could be scary at first glance. I was very small but he really looked like a giant to me. I saw some pictures and I think he was more than two meters. I don't remember him very much now. I don't remember my mother well now either, she cut out shortly after my old man's funeral. I grew up with my brother and my grandmother. With my SAI I could render memories and see them clearly, but... I don't feel like to”.
"You can understand me. And I understand you, Daith. Whatever burden you carry, I... want to help you carry it”.
We crossed glances and my tongue suddenly went dry. "When Dad died, even though I was little, I remember there were a lot of people at the funeral. Lots of friends crying along with me and John. Mom was crying too. It was terrible. Soon after my mother disappeared and I ended up in the academy. When I turned fifteen, I began to meditate on who I really was, who I was becoming. Everyone told me that I was as good as my father, that I would follow in his footsteps. So I remembered what happened to him.
I don't want to be like him. The life of a soldier like me is not worth the cost of a bullet to the enemy in front of him. I could die at any moment during a mission or during a war. Living as a soldier is not living for yourself. That's what I am now. Unlike my father though, I do not intend to involve anyone else. I won't make others suffer like he did. I can only throw myself heart and soul into what I do, improve, become better and better, stronger and at least redeem our name by standing out in a positive way. Cleaning up the mud that John threw on it”.
"You're a fool, Daith”. She hugged me and laid his head on my shoulder, then spoke in a soft voice. "You are not your father, nor are you your brother. What do you know if things will be different for you?".
"What if they don't? What if I'm convicted like them? After all, I'm already like them. The road is the same, the direction already decided. It will only be a matter of time”.
"I don't care. And I don't even care if you're gone tomorrow. I want to be with you now, right now! In the present”.
"Why?", I asked taking her to the edge.
"Because I love you!", she replied impulsively, looking me straight in the eye. I could feel her breath trembling on my lips. However, the best I could do as an idiot was to smile almost sarcastically. "What am I saying! What am I saying, I met you yesterday, je suis folle!", she regretted, holding her head in her hands.
"Wow”, I said letting out my excitement with a stifled laugh but not daring to look her in the eye. "Do you love me? I'm rude, cold, unsociable, cranky, violent... and I'm a…”.
"That's not who you are!", she stopped me. "It's hard to find the words. When you're being a jerk I feel like you're sorry, when you're being a badass I feel like you're scared, when you're alone I feel like you're missing something. You're different from the person everyone sees, and for some reason even though I've only known you for a short time I feel like...”.
"...if I knew you all along”, I said spontaneously completing his speech.
"Oui”, shesmiled happily. "You're so different from me and yet that's exactly why... Daith when I'm with you I feel... myself. I feel safe, I'm happy and free! It wasn't easy, you confused my mind more than once. At first, I hated you... you broke into my life and wouldn't leave me alone! You're everything I hate with that uniform on. But you're a tight fit in that uniform, aren't you? You acted all tough all the time, saying it was only for the score that you were risking your life and spending money. That it was a game to you. Maybe it was, at first. But as soon as you learned I was an orphan, everything changed. As soon as your friend Matt was hurt, you started caring only about others. About me and Christelle. You even made up with Hank, and I feel like you're worried about them now, too”.
"Now let's not get ahead of ourselves”, I said clearing my throat, feeling like an open book.
"That's how I feel with you. I could stay here in silence all my life and that would be enough”, she said snuggling into me.
"I didn't have the courage to even think what you just said so passionately, Deena”, I said hugging her shyly. "I told you, my situation is...”.
"I totally get that this is hard for you”, she continued. "If you tell me you're not interested in me okay, I'll accept that. But if you do it because... because you're afraid of hurting me please don't. Because I'm not afraid. If you respect me then treat me like a strong person!".
"But I am”, I admitted. I had new and strong feelings for her. I had always repressed them but never before had it been so hard for me to keep them away. "Fear of being a goner. Of ending up like my father or worse, like John”.
"You don't have to...”.
"To be who I am? Deena… that's who I am now. There's no going back. You don't deserve it”. I felt unworthy of all that care, I felt inadequate in front of her. She hugged me tighter and I felt a tear fall down her cheek. I couldn't hide anymore.
"You deserve to be happy, too. I deserve it too! How did you manage to live like this all these years?", the girl asked with shining eyes. The glare of the fire and the restrained tears made her eyes shine even brighter giving the impression that they could dazzle me at any moment. She calmed down drawing a deep breath. "By the way. I said such important things and I don't even know how old you are”.
"Eighteen now”.
"Eighteen?"
"Since yesterday”.
"Really? Why didn't you warn us?", she marveled.
I answered by shrugging my shoulders and miming an indifferent expression. "I haven't been a birthday person for a long time”, I explained. Exactly since the last one with John.
"What a fool you are. And me who would give an eye to know when my birthday is”, she said enviously.
"Your eyes are too beautiful. Don't you dare waste one on something so stupid”, I said without thinking. The girl smiled again, then closed those magnificent emeralds and kissed me on the lips overloading my mind to the point of making me fear for my poor AI. I was petrified and incapable of any kind of reaction. However, after a few moments every thought vanished in a flash. There was absolutely nothing around me, no duties, no obligations, no enemies, no trees, grass, stars... it was just me and her. I closed my eyes and let myself be transported to a new dimension that I had never dared to explore. I slowly embraced her and gently held her to me. I felt her warmth, her breath, her soft, dark skin touching my face and her breasts piercing my chest. My heart was pounding and I trembled as she did. I laid her down on the grass gently and kissed her again, caressing her hips as I stopped feeling anxiety and fearing consequences. Maybe she was right. Maybe it wasn't much to overcome our fear together.
ns 15.158.61.21da2
