Mariane jumped into his arms, her face in his stomach, sobbing. It made him uncomfortable. He tried to push her off, but her arms were locked on. With his hand, he closed the door behind him, not to awaken other residents from her piercing voice.
“Be quiet, you’re going to wake up the whole building,” he muttered. Mariane wasn’t exactly a bad person, it was just that she wasn’t the type of figure he would have a close relationship with. Their friendship was shallow, at least on Xavier's side. She was someone he tended to get annoyed with. She was one of his few friends, all the way back from high school. She too resided in the same apartment complex. Her clingy and emotional nature irked Xavier. He liked people with calmer minds. Not only that, but he could see the emotions that she felt around him. She felt romantic attraction towards him. She wanted to get closer to him. Knowing that fact made Xavier be more avoidant.
“Are you insane?” She weeped. He felt her tears soaking his shirt. He held her shoulders and tried to break her grip again, but it was no use.
“Mariane, give me a second, I’ll explain in a bit.”
She reluctantly let go, watching Xavier with her eyes leaking. Xavier walked over to his mirror. He unbuttoned his shirt and took it off.
“What- Xavier, I can see your rib cage. Don’t you eat?” She asked in a tone of concern. He turned to face her.
“Why are you looking?” he asked. She zipped her head away and shielded the side of her eyes without a single word to say. An ugly, hazy red formed around her head, with a tint of pink.
Embarrassment.
He smiled for a quick heartbeat. He liked making people feel ashamed. He put a beige t-shirt on and took a breath. He had to play nice now. He didn’t want to irritate Mariane or else he would have to deal with her sadness ringing in his head. He didn’t feel bad for her. It was that sensing a down mood lowered his mood too. It lingered in his head. It was straight up bothersome. Besides, the sooner Xavier appeared to feel better, the quicker Mariam would calm down and leave
“Are you done?” she asked from the back. He turned around.
“Yeah, I’m done.”
She moved her hand away from her eyes and went straight for the note that was now lying on the floor. She picked it up, staring at it. Rereading it? She raised it a bit and jabbed her finger into it. The hand holding the note began trembling.
“I- was going to drop off some brownies I made, and I found… What is this?” she asked. She knew damn well what it was. She was probably trying to confirm it.
Amazing. Now he had to explain stuff. Fun.
“I appreciate your concern,” he said. He didn’t have any excuses to make. It would just sound stupid. “It’s a suicide note, if that wasn’t clear enough.”
That single phase made her break down on the spot. She clenched the note. Her nails were stabbed into it. Her wavy brown hair blocked her face as she bent her head down, back into a weeping state. Her knees slammed onto the floor. Visuals of sharp spikes of navy blue and phthalo formed around her head. She’d have to cry for a bit. She was tugging her hair tightly. If he dared to say anything, it would only make him have to deal with her for longer.
What an odd reaction. This isn’t what I expected. How do people usually react to suicides? Would this be how? he wondered.
“Why, why… why would you, Xavier?” she said, her voice creaking and whimpering in a high pitched tone. “Do I mean nothing to you? I don’t understand… don’t leave me behind, don’t, please don’t…”
Unacceptable. He wanted to slap her at that moment. He wanted to kick her. He wanted to choke her. Duck tape her mouth. Throw her out the window. Snap her neck. His anger burned at her guilt tripping. That phrase “do I mean nothing to you?” was absolutely infuriating. What made her think that he cared about his absence to others? Why did she think he wanted to die in the first place? Part of why was because he felt the guilt of his lack of caring for people, and her comment certainly didn’t help.
No matter how eager he was to yell at her, he suppressed it.
“Not that I don’t, I just didn’t…”
Nothing else came out of his mouth. He didn’t know what to say.
“You don’t what, Xavier? Tell me, you don’t what?” Mariane asked. Xavier sat down on his bed. His mind didn’t generate a response. He didn’t want to talk to Mariane about anything. No living person had that level of trust with him.
Think of a quick lie.
“Mariane. I- I changed my mind. Why do you think I came back? I thought that cutting myself away would be too much of a hassle for the people around me, the people that appreciated me. I want to give it more of a chance. Maybe I’ll see my potential in this world,” he said. His words gave him the urge to hurl. It was a cheap lie, but it had potential. It sounded ‘deep’ enough to possibly convince her. He wanted her out as soon as possible.
She sniffed and smeared a tear away with her palm. She lifted herself up and off of the ground. Her unstable legs walked over to where he was. She wrapped her hands around his head and pulled him into a hug. He quickly pulled back after 2 seconds. Physical affection bothered him to the brim.
“Please don’t try to leave me again, please,” she said. Her hand clinged onto his arm. Xavier forged a fake smile, trying to look appreciative.
“I won’t, I promise you,” he said reassuringly. While her nose was still stuffy, Xavier saw that it seemed to calm Mariane down. He got up and stretched.
“Anyways, I’ll be going to bed now,” he said. He expected her to leave, but she sat there.
“I- Mariam, I need to sleep-”
“I’m not leaving, if that’s what you want,” she asserted. “What if you try to kill yourself again while I’m gone? I’m not risking it.”
Lie. She only wanted to be with Xavier for longer. Well, it wasn’t certain if it was a lie or not, but that’s what it seemed like to him. He could see emotions, but not thoughts. He couldn’t root out every lie.
“Look, I know that you care, and I’m very glad that you care, but I won’t do anything, I promise. Okay?” he said. She didn’t budge. She remained at her spot. He took a seat next to her. She was fairly peaceful, but still had concern in her mind. He sat there silently like a stone. He patiently waited like one too.
It didn’t take long for her consciousness to slip out of her mind. She lost her balance and her head was against Xavier’s shoulder. He tapped her once. No response. She was asleep. He got up and dragged her by the bottom of her shoulders. Opening his door, he placed her right at his doorstep and he shut it behind her. She’d be fine, she’d probably just wake up the next day while the building owner was mopping the floors.
Finally, peace.
Xavier walked over to his desk and closed the light. The only remaining luminance was the light coming from outside reflecting from the snow. It poured into the room, gently lighting it up. He allowed himself to collapse on his mattress. His body sunk right into it. His arms were stretched out. He looked up to the ceiling. His eyes stared blankly at it. No, keeping his eyes open wouldn’t let him fall asleep. He shut his eyes and thought thoughts. Thoughts that he could never share.
What would Mom think? Alex died of physical health issues. She really ignored my situation since it didn’t do me any harm. Damn. I wonder what she’d think if I didn’t make it home tonight. Would she care? Would she even find out? It’s been three months since she’s tried contacting me. That psychopathic woman.
Soon after, he fell asleep90Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOJuyU6IKs
