Jane elbowed her way through the crowd of souls on her way to Death’s door and knocked on it furiously. Nobody answered. She knocked again, louder. Still nothing.
“I thought you said they hadn’t left yet,” Jane said to Kay.
“They were still here when I—hey! Back up!” Kay shoved a soul wearing Buddhist robes away from Jane. “They hadn’t left yet. I thought there was more time.”
Jane idly wondered why a Buddhist of all souls would be the rowdiest of the crowd, but otherwise paid no attention, focusing instead on manifesting a golden hourglass between her hands. When it appeared in its entirety, a murky darkness resided within the upper hemisphere. She took it by the handle without pause and turned it upside-down.
The inky substance took a moment before filtering through the chokepoint, but when it did it flowed all at once. A burst of light shone through the cracks of the door, quieting the nearest souls. Jane banished the hourglass with a wave, straightened her blazer, and knocked primly on the ebony wood.
It took a moment, but this time Death answered. The door swung wide, and Death stepped out with scythe in hand. A shadowy aura wisped about their cloak. “I never should have given you my glass.”
“Well, you did, and I’m going to use it.”
“Do you know where you just summoned me from?”
“The toilet?”
“The Centennial Assembly,” Death said flatly. “We were having our regular hundred-year meeting amongst the celestial beings. I told you—QUIET.” Death’s voice bellowed with an unearthly echo, promising consequences to any who dared ignored their order. The gathering of souls around them immediately stilled. Death turned their attention back to Jane. “I told you this yesterday, Jane. You’d better have a good reason for the summons.”
“We have an emergency,” Jane said, stepping back and extending an inviting arm back the way she’d come. “We need your help in sorting this out.”
“The underworld doesn’t have emergencies, Jane.”
“It does now. I'll explain, but first we need to get these souls back to Orientation.”
Death drummed their fingers on their scythe before rattling out an airy sigh. They reached out and took ahold of Jane’s wrist. Starting, Kay quickly did the same to Jane’s other arm. “Let’s make this quick.”
Jane grimaced, bracing herself. She hated this part.192Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWdDYivd3A
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Death tilted their head, regarding Jane for a moment. They slammed the butt of their staff into the floor, and as one, every soul in attendance held hands, with the nearest touching Death’s cloak. Pale, blue energy gathered in Death’s eyesockets and behind their teeth, and with a sickening lurch that distorted all perception, the congregation shifted from the administrative building to the orientation warehouse.
Jane immediately pushed her way out of the crowd to lean heavily against the welcome desk, closing her eyes and trying desperately to keep herself from discorporating. She wasn’t helped by the loud blaring of Betty White cheerfully welcoming new souls to the afterlife on the surrounding monitors.
The soul at the desk eyed Jane with something like confused concern. Jane waved tiredly. “Hey Kumiko. How’re the kids?”
“Dying soon. I can’t wait to see them.”
“I continue to find it peculiar how staunchly you choose to hold onto the memory of your old self,” Death said, walking up with Kay in tow.
“I have motion sickness. Sue me,” Jane said, taking a deep, non-existent breath.
“Had.” Death chuckled.
“Up yours,” Jane muttered.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing.” Gathering herself, Jane stood up straight and turned to face Death.
Death sobered immediately, adopting an expectant stance. “Time to explain yourself.”
Jane nodded. “Kay, go grab the Buddhist, the Sikh, and the atheist, and bring them over here.”
When Kay had retrieved the souls, Jane lined them up in front of Death before standing primly in front of the Buddhist. “What is your name?”
“Bojing,” the Buddhist replied with a respectful bow of his head.
“Where did you go after Orientation?”
The soul frowned. “To a field of reeds, surrounded by sand.”
Jane darted a glance at Death. “And what is your name?”
“Adweta,” the lady Sikh said. “I was sent to North Korea.”
“Excuse me?” Death said flatly.
“Its as I said,” Adweta said with a helpless shrug. “Kim Il-sung was God. It was very confusing.”
“What about you?” Jane said to the last person, the atheist.
He broke out in a massive grin. “Scott, and I went to fucking Valhalla! Can I go back? It was awesome!”
Jane traded a look with Death. “Kay, please give Death the report.”
Death took a paper from Kay and scanned it quickly. “This says that Afterlife production has not yet reached a point where it can begin sorting souls. So why are they?”
“Please give Death the second report.”
Kay handed over a second paper for Death to read. Death exclaimed, “This says the opposite! Is this a jest?”
“There was a miscommunication. I don’t know how or when, but it was serious enough to misplace millions of souls,” Jane said.
Death shook their head. “That shouldn’t have been possible. We poured over the logistics of this for months. Drafted middle management. Arranged communication lines. How did—” They stilled. Betty White’s voice dimmed on the tv monitors as a dangerous quiet encompassed the immediate area. “Who gave these reports?”
“The first one came from Shannon. The other was from some guy named Jeffrey,” Kay said.
“We didn’t draft anyone named Jeffrey for management,” Jane said.
Kay shrugged. “I figured he was a new hire.”
Fire erupted from Death’s bony hand, incinerating the papers in their fingers. The lights in their eyes had grown big enough to be eyeballs. “I will return presently.” In a flash of blue, the reaper disappeared.
“What was that about?” Kay asked.
Jane opened her mouth to respond only to lurch forward as the very ground beneath her feet bucked, throwing her and every other soul careening into each other. The room shook, and with a flash of light and accompanying boom, Death returned. Their eyes had gone from glowing to crackling with pure fire.
Death snarled, “That juvenile, incorrigible, self-damned twit! They thought this was funny! They all did!”
Jane picked herself up, staring at Death in shock. “What? What happened?”
“This was a prank!”
“What?”
“They came into my domain and dared to mess with my order! The nerve! The arrogance! They may be one of the grand creators of existence but They do not preside over non-existence no matter what They say!”
“Who?”
“Who do you think?” Death said, pacing angrily.
“You mean…?” Jane pointed upwards.
“Yes!” Death kicked their foot. “Humiliating! Reappearing at the Assembly only to be laughed at! The fools! The ingrates!”
Jane crossed her arms and looked at Kay. He rearranged his spectral face into a heavy frown. A prank had just set them backs months, if not a year’s worth of bureaucratical effort. All progress would have to be halted just so they could regather every misplaced soul. Millions and millions.
“Sir, may I offer a suggestion?” Jane said.
Death stopped, turning their fiery gaze upon Jane. Jane felt that same anger inside, but experience had taught her how to harness it. Adopting a cool façade, she stowed her fire in her chest and curled her lips in a smile. “Adweta, Sikhs believe that they become one with god at the end of their lives, correct?”
“There is more to it, but yes,” Adweta said.
“Bojing, do you believe you have reached Enlightenment? Given your earlier brashness, you seem rather rowdy for a newly departed soul.”
Bojing stilled, but after a minute, nodded slowly in assent. “I may have more to learn.”
“And the reincarnated are, technically, no longer part of non-existence, are they? They require new bodies which, if memory serves, is under Heaven’s authority.” Jane stepped towards Death with a pointed look. A moment passed between them. Gradually, Death’s eyes dimmed. Then they tilted their head back and laughed a slow, rasping chuckle.
“Scott,” Death said, turning to gaze at the atheist. “Jane and I have a persisting puzzlement when it comes to deciding what to do with Nonbelievers. Do we let them choose their afterlife for themselves? Do we even let their souls be judged? Or do we simply toss them into the very Void of Nothingness that they so staunchly believe in?”
Scott’s eyes widened. “I—”
“Surely you lived your life justly, correct? As a good person?”
“Of course!” Scott said hurriedly.
“Then why don’t we take this up with God?” Death said suggestively. “Maybe they’ll grant you admittance back to Valhalla. I’m sure you have many questions you would like to ask, anyhow. Like where they were during the 1940’s.”
Scott nodded vigorously. Clacking their teeth in a way that Jane had come to understand as satisfaction, Death turned to Jane, scooped up one of her hands in theirs and mimed kissing her knuckles. “You’re a gem, Jane.”
“I know,” Jane said, grinning as toothily as Death.
“Would you please look after the ones I leave behind?”
“Certainly.”
“Lovely.” Death stamped their scythe on the floor before calling out. “I want the soon-to-be-reincarnated and atheists in a line!”
When all had been assembled as ordered, Death spirited them away in a flash of light, leaving Jane, Kay, and a smattering of souls behind. Kay stepped forward to stand beside Jane. “What did you do?”
“Sent a message,” Jane replied crisply. “They mess with us, we mess with them.”
Kay took a moment to piece everything together, then slowly formed what could have been a smile. “Jane?”
“Mm?”
“Your eyes are on fire.”
“What?” Jane reached up to touch her eye, only to jerk her fingers away with a hiss. “Don’t just stand there! Get water! Put them out! OUCH! Mother-fucker that stings!”
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