“Alfred,” Batman said, “I need to think about what’s been going on recently. I’m going to Cinnabon.”
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“Yes sir, very good.”
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Batman gets in the Batmobile and activates Ludicrous speed, and ends up at Cinnabon in Omaha Nebraska. He walks up to the counter to order his cinnabon food.
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“Welcome to Cinnabon, how may I help you?” Says a bored gray wolf from behind the counter.
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“I would like a cinnamon roll, please.” Batman says.
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“Sorry, we don’t sell cinnamon rolls anymore.” Legoshi says.
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“What the hell do you mean!” Batman yells, “This is a Cinnabon!”
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“Sir, please calm down.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XSaxJInUv
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“Calm down? Do you know who I am?!? I’m the goddamn Batman! I want to speak to your manager.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwU89Y5Apwd
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Legoshi sighs.
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“Gene,” he calls, “there’s an unhappy customer who wants to see you.”
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“Hi, I’m Gene Takovic,” Gene says, walking through the door, “did you know you don’t have rights? Well, the Cinnabon terms of service says you don’t.”
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“I want a Cinnabon! And I want it now!” Yells Batman
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“Why don’t we go speak over there, Mr. Man,” Gene says and points to a restaurant on the other side of the mall called Cooper’s Bar.
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Batman and Gene walk over to Cooper’s Bar and sit down.
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“Now you see,” Gene says, “Cooper’s Bar has almost put us out of business. We don’t have any money to make cinnamon rolls anymore.”
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Suddenly an angry blonde woman walks in.
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“Oh no…” Gene says.
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“What, who is she?” Batman says, “is she a villain?
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“Worse." Gene says, “My ex-wife Kim Sexler, biggest dick in Hollywood.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZHVJYZ3Rm
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“WHERE IS AMY SCHUMER YOU BASTARD???” Kim screams and then drop kicks a three year old child.
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Batman stands up.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRIOt6b4uk
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“I will not stand for this abuse and violence against children!” He yells, “You’re going straight to Arkham Asylum.”
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Kim looks deep into Batman’s soul and for five minutes she stares at him in complete silence, unblinking.
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“Ok.” she finally says.
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Batman is so intimidated he runs away and gets in a taxi cab because he forgot the keys to the batmobile.
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“Take me to the nearest Cinnabon.” Batman says, still hungry for a cinnamon roll.
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The driver starts driving, and Batman sits back and relaxes. He starts looking out the window, when something catches his attention from the corner of his eye. He has a sticker in the front with Gotham, New Jersey written on it, and realizes he recognizes the driver as a passerby after his parents’ murder.
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Batman starts sweating. Is it possible he could see through his disguise? No, surely not! He must trust in his disguise.
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Suddenly the taxi driver turned around, and Batman quickly jumped out the window of the moving car to defuse the situation.
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He walked up to a man standing around with a baseball bat.
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“Sir,” Batman says, “do you know where a billionaire CEO vigilante who dresses up like a bat could go to get a cinnamon roll around here?”
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“Yes, I know of a place exactly like you speak of,” the man says and points to a huge tall building in the sky, “It’s called the Citadel, but no one can get to it.”
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“And why is that?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2S5ZzLtJm
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“Because Kim Sexler, biggest dick in hollywood, is keeping it from us, and even I, Rick Grimes, have no hope of defeating her.”
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Rick looked at his baseball bat.
“This was the baseball bat of my best friend, Mae Borowski. She died trying to get that cinnamon roll…”
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“I know how it feels to lose someone close to you.” Batman says, remembering how he lost his teddy bear Cletus in the movie theater before his parents were murdered.
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Batman put his hand on Rick’s shoulder.
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“I will help you find the cinnamon roll, and then we will eat it. Together.”
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Batman and Rick began their journey to the famed cinnamon roll, killing the zombies of people who have been deprived of cinnamon rolls too long.
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Suddenly a man who neither Batman nor Rick had ever seen before ran up to them.
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“Hey, Batman!” He yelled excitedly, “remember me?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dsRr1RW4h
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“What, no,” Batman says, “I’ve never seen you before in my life.”
“From the taxi cab earlier, remember?” he said, disappointed.
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“No, the guy from the taxi cab looked way different and scarier. You look like you probably use 4chan.”
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He crossed his arms.
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“My name Jeff,” Jeff says, “and you will take me with you.”
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“Fine whatever but you’re stupid.” Batman says, and Batman, Jeff, and Rick finally reach the Citadel and spend 10 hours going up elevators when the elevator stops. The door opens into a small chamber and they walk in, and Rick’s bat and Batman’s batarangs and Jeff’s taxi keys are pulled away from them.
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Lightning shot out of the walls and struck their weapons, and they began to glow blue. They picked up their weapons and the door opened up to reveal an army of Amy Schumer clones, all screaming terrible jokes about men as loud as they could.
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Rick Grimes looked at his bat, and remembered the last time he came here. He remembered seeing Mae ripped apart by Amy Schumer right in front of his eyes. He slowly looked up and Heartbreaker by Pat Benetar began playing over speakers on loop.
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“This time…it’s personal.” He says.
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They rush into combat, all fighting valiantly. Jeff slices through Amy clones effortlessly with his key, Batman’s batarang becomes an Amy Schumer seeking weapon of destruction, and Rick obliterates each clone who attacks him with a single blow from his bat. They quickly begin making their way through the massive crowd.
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“Don’t Look Up is the name of the movie? More like don’t look down the barrel of Alec Baldwin’s shotgun!” Screams one of the Schumers and punches Batman in the face, knocking him down to the ground. Jeff tries to stab her but she yells “My husband goes down on me, or as he calls it Squid Game, so he’s in my Nightmare Alley, my House of Gucci, I say C’mon C’mon, he goes tick tick BOOM, he Belfast. I say get off my Dune and that’s how our son was born.” and Jeff is so shocked at how horrible what he just heard is that he drops his key and starts crying.
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“Impossible, it can’t be!” Rick yells, “It’s the real Amy Schumer!”
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“Then the only way we can beat her,” Jeff says, “is by telling a joke so great she can’t possibly go on!”
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“Knock knock!” Yells Batman.
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“Who’s there?” Says Amy Schumer.
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“Doctor.”
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Amy grins psychotically, like a murderer stalking their victim.
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“Oh, that’s alright!” She yells, “We don’t need a doctor, the ambulance already showed up!”
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Batman and Jeff scream in agony at how quickly and terribly she defused his joke.
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Rick had other plans. Suddenly they felt the temperature drop from 90 degrees to 76 degrees, and Amy Schumer’s smile faded.
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“No! Not 76 degrees, anything but that!” Amy yelled, “The optimal temperature for comedic timing!”
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Rick stands 50-80 centimeters from her and raises one of his arms straight upward at a fifteen degree angle from his body, setting up all the conditions perfectly for ideal humor.
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Amy screeches louder than any human ever has before while Rick states and spells his name, provides a brief synopsis of the joke including the specific times she’ll laugh, and spells out his name a second time.
“Knock knock.” Rick says.
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“Wh-who’s there?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBokwWnqyBj
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“Banana.”
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“Banano who?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWq3qeRclZ
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
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“Banana.”
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“Banano who?”
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
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“Banana.”
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“Banano who?”
“Orange.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtouqyQDmB6
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“Orange who?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgfnSOZFZj
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“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”
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Amy’s heart stops, and she falls to the ground dead as Heartbreaker by Pat Benetar finally stops.
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“I’m doney,” Rick says, “with the funny.”
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They all look at each other, and nod their heads in agreement, and wade through the corpses of Amy Schumer to the huge metal door.
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Suddenly it opens into a huge room with Kim Sexler, biggest dick in hollywood, standing in the middle, and at the end the final cinnamon roll.
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“So, you three killed Amy Schumer?”
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“Y-yes.” Batman says, already feeling intimidated again.
“...Ok.” Kim says.
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All three of them almost start crying out of fear, but keep themselves composed.
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They each begin attacking from different angles, but she expertly dodges each hit.
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Finally, Rick’s bat connects with her torso but the bat explodes, throwing Rick back.
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“H-how?” He asks.
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“Nanomachines, son.” Kim says with a smirk and then breaks his back, killing him.
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“NO!” Jeff yells and rushes at her.
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Without even a thought Kim hits him over the head with a cup that says “World’s 2nd Best TV Executive” and Jeff slips and hits his head and dies.
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Recognizing he has no chance of ever winning, Batman quickly shuffles back away from her in terror, when he remembers what his Uncle Ben told him all those years ago.
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“Memes, Bruce.” Ben said, “Memes are the DNA of the soul. With great power comes great responsibility. When life gives you lemons, burn life’s house down! Do you know who ate all the donuts?”
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Inspired by his Uncle’s wise words, he was able to catch Kim Sexler’s attack.
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They exchanged punches so quickly that it was impossible for the naked eye to detect, each tanking every single blow. Batman knew what he must do to defeat Kim and finally get that cinnamon roll, he must break his one and only rule. Batman takes out a Desert Eagle and shoots Kim through the face.
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“I, I….” Kim says, struggling to stay alive, “this is…chicanery.” And then she drops dead.
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Finally, nothing stood between Batman and his cinnamon roll. All this work, all this violence, all this bloodshed, this is what it was for. He slowly walked towards it, chills going down his spine just thinking about it.
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"I'm sorry we couldn't eat it together like I wanted, Rick," Batman says, "but I will eat it for the both of us."
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Suddenly Legoshi picked up the cinnamon roll and ate it.
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“WHAT?” Screamed Batman.
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“Welcome to Cinnabon, how may I help you?” Legoshi says.
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“P-please,” Batman says, “I just want a cinnamon roll.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkiSkemljZ
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“Sir, I already told you we’re out of cinnamon rolls. Do I need to call my manager again?”
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Batman slowly fell to his knees and then onto his side, and began crying on the floor.
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THE END.
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