x
No Plagiarism!qrLDIcZQo8ThnVKs9q3Xposted on PENANA 兩年半前8964 copyright protection217PENANAz4WwO6aIoT 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAXcbUcUIElY
8964 copyright protection217PENANA1g7aKHqLSC 維尼
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓8964 copyright protection217PENANA6JCBs2zKhY 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAbGm5vWkdbg
8964 copyright protection217PENANAfyLKDkxf6L 維尼
「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著!」謝雪痕死死地盯著他,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑。「呵,活過來又如何,那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死。」8964 copyright protection217PENANArkWf5JihoE 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAwATi8LWKhR
8964 copyright protection217PENANABDAyj0tdY6 維尼
回應他的是玉川劍與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection217PENANAWoNRp3SPJq 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAmPvU7pVtT8
8964 copyright protection217PENANAxUCYpyInFD 維尼
纏鬥了一會,他見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊時都滲出污血,卻無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺眉:好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣……謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子……師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他……他得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓……8964 copyright protection217PENANAj31OkiWeCP 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAG8MX0RC7qO
8964 copyright protection217PENANAcfGcevUP0R 維尼
他見對方劍勢稍緩,整個人撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去。8964 copyright protection217PENANAUjMAx8uuIj 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAeLXO2A0K0p
8964 copyright protection217PENANADBqTUDp2T6 維尼
謝鳴淵大叫一聲「師尊躲開」。8964 copyright protection217PENANAzDYrFezRnP 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANASgMGN6uzaD
8964 copyright protection217PENANAYHSnPBunEg 維尼
林寒玉的神色一變,瞇起了眼,威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection217PENANAzO6wlp9Yac 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANA7dNfX2ynR7
8964 copyright protection217PENANADZzniAJ439 維尼
他一劍將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的火,一路順著劍身燒過去。221Please respect copyright.PENANAuL8f3DMSRQ
8964 copyright protection217PENANAQqR2HyrKMe 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAEVnC50a312
8964 copyright protection217PENANAR6fiEPkzET 維尼
玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲熔化了,毒血煉化了,他整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,摔落雪地,翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection217PENANAMYq5ZorVCr 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAbkWS9b08kM
=============================8964 copyright protection217PENANA63UEycoqRz 維尼
評語:8964 copyright protection217PENANAkZFUUCnNLT 維尼
1. 像在寫平鋪直敍的概論,雖然滿腦子都是燃得不行的畫面,但寫出來就是乾巴巴的某武器與某武器相擊,「纏鬥一會」輕輕帶過,危機出現有人大叫閃開,然後就直接跳到勝負結果,節奏生硬8964 copyright protection217PENANARnUzlZ3m1p 維尼
2. 0特效音效,完全沒有任何畫面感和感官刺激可言8964 copyright protection217PENANAsDMSljiqhj 維尼
3. 很多的「他」,分不清誰是誰8964 copyright protection217PENANA9g3FTpl2h0 維尼
4. 最致命的一點,主角爆發的原因與力度沒有好好寫出來,應該要好好扣緊人設,這才能令讀者信服8964 copyright protection217PENANAJ3KUhXmB1R 維尼
5. 標點用錯了,問號和感嘆號用不好,還特別喜歡在一大段裡用……來分隔內心想法,明明分段就好了8964 copyright protection217PENANAYxa6x06W6W 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAyubGqOkdpH
8964 copyright protection217PENANA3NnbkDxInA 維尼
兩年半後重修是這樣的:8964 copyright protection217PENANALinifYhhXv 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAbeMSU2M92x
8964 copyright protection217PENANABPf5C6S5E1 維尼
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓8964 copyright protection217PENANAUbS8i4OTRO 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANASlQ1filLLB
8964 copyright protection217PENANAHhf7rt7CuS 維尼
「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著?」8964 copyright protection217PENANANYJETF56aO 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAiDcqsHVufJ
8964 copyright protection217PENANATMXnfmMfFr 維尼
謝雪痕死死地盯著他,獨眼迸出寒芒,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑起來,和半邊修羅面具的獰笑表情一模一樣,在鳥背上一甩長長的玄鐵鍊。8964 copyright protection217PENANAZ2iDL5KTyQ 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAnyUk8M4WlO
8964 copyright protection217PENANAsQrKtF3Y2z 維尼
「呵,活過來又如何?那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死!」8964 copyright protection217PENANAq0J47sVz9P 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAtnUTulbZJ1
8964 copyright protection217PENANARJiIbrhTNH 維尼
回應他的是如潮水般暴漲的戰意,玉川劍光芒大盛,與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection217PENANAGmxpXdz7VA 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANA2Wev9PYI3z
8964 copyright protection217PENANAbEwNA5vjM6 維尼
「噹!」8964 copyright protection217PENANApEDwtTSh7G 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAJzwwuwpoLt
8964 copyright protection217PENANAcp9LYYzXqB 維尼
讓人牙酸的磨擦聲並沒有響起,因為林寒玉根本不會留機會給謝雪痕用玄鐵鍊纏住劍身──8964 copyright protection217PENANAP5dPB2nBub 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAA3tdpX6hyg
8964 copyright protection217PENANAhxBiLQPTHz 維尼
事實上,那條純玄鐵打造的鎖鍊也無法纏住玉川劍。玉川劍以玄冰焰淬煉而成,煉成之時灌注了玄冰寒玉的烈怒,為誅邪而生,早已不是普通的靈劍,劍身和環繞劍身的劍芒都至為鋒利,與玄鐵鍊正面交擊一回,已經在鍊上割出了一道缺口!8964 copyright protection217PENANAXGbqowPO5D 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAHqKbyh3kFA
8964 copyright protection217PENANAHUU3uxgSiz 維尼
兩人一擊即分,在空中拉開一段距離。8964 copyright protection217PENANAgVPAo7fTBq 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANA6bCBioqZCy
8964 copyright protection217PENANAY5m3L1CJt3 維尼
林寒玉既然出手,哪裡還會給他還手的機會?不見他如何動作,只見狂風裹著一個白色身影,二丈距離轉瞬即至,玉川劍一聲雷鳴般的劍嘯,人與劍挾著寒徹肺腑的冷風,再度如閃電般襲至!8964 copyright protection217PENANAQ7Qwcf9nRs 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAKzzMdWrmG1
8964 copyright protection217PENANAKogZxfqmJ6 維尼
好快的劍!8964 copyright protection217PENANA60YuNvV5n6 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANA1y5JADONOc
8964 copyright protection217PENANAtKyZ60B5kZ 維尼
謝雪痕獨眼瞳孔一縮,再度橫鍊格檔,同時一側身,正要反手還擊──8964 copyright protection217PENANAD7hLfivfrz 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANA9Ovl799qBI
8964 copyright protection217PENANA0g3xxHMYPs 維尼
林寒玉如影隨形,玉川劍隨他心意而動,第三劍已經呼嘯而至!8964 copyright protection217PENANA7tVEJ4CSvr 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAe7Y6lvyS2t
8964 copyright protection217PENANAfgAVnOG6Eh 維尼
謝雪痕不得不應,不得不擋,如此一路退一路擋,哪裡擋得住迅捷無倫的心劍?他閃身躲避,身上玄鐵甲仍被劍氣波及,霎時多了數道裂痕。8964 copyright protection217PENANAwyTp5KgWvI 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAPCYV8qodgq
8964 copyright protection217PENANAnH58Edcjky 維尼
纏鬥了一會,林寒玉見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊,新傷舊傷都滲出更多污血,卻仍恍若無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺了皺眉。8964 copyright protection217PENANA0vH73P0CoS 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAkPLeC0y1iF
8964 copyright protection217PENANA9nHz4nTMkQ 維尼
好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣?8964 copyright protection217PENANANiujMqsWSu 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAent7LBYddQ
8964 copyright protection217PENANA19N7ikGLEj 維尼
謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子,師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他,他就不能隨意開殺戒,得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓。8964 copyright protection217PENANAHS19Zxaqdg 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAvFdiIfYLtP
8964 copyright protection217PENANAiHYyDIHRYN 維尼
謝雪痕見林寒玉劍勢稍緩,抓緊機會整個人直撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去!8964 copyright protection217PENANA9vXoeTRqCk 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANACwZGrfN8QR
8964 copyright protection217PENANA41w0DiV4WK 維尼
「師尊快躲開!」謝鳴淵在不遠處與宋慧一起戰鬥,不時分心看林寒玉幾眼,見謝雪痕欲近身投毒,馬上大喊出聲。8964 copyright protection217PENANAsrDqfFv9xQ 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAEGsXLhkY5A
8964 copyright protection217PENANAXWNYD3w3ZZ 維尼
林寒玉之前中了蝕心蠱、又泡在化血池裡,到底有多痛,謝鳴淵與他共情時早體會過了,心知肚明,可不想讓他師尊再經歷一次!8964 copyright protection217PENANAaWRv3zKkdM 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANASRuyO7HCFP
8964 copyright protection217PENANAKialwOKgKn 維尼
腥風撲鼻,林寒玉的神色一變,危險地瞇起了一雙丹鳳眼,無可匹敵的靈力威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection217PENANAN9LA2BkmKi 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAiIYe2A4rO2
8964 copyright protection217PENANAmm5FTMywnY 維尼
「豎子敢爾!」8964 copyright protection217PENANAFOBll9m1mZ 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANApsOP7wUNZx
8964 copyright protection217PENANAysybCFTydK 維尼
誕生於玄冰最深處的玄冰寒玉,經歷千萬年的重壓方成冰中之眼,天然的威壓不可小覷。兩人附近的妖化雪鴞都紛紛發出悲鳴墜落,包括謝雪痕那隻純白無斑的妖鴞,也一改兇惡的神態,恐慌地撲騰著雙翼,卻無論如何都扛不住鋪天蓋地的巨壓,半路已然沒了聲息!8964 copyright protection217PENANApXpPZsdAbQ 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANATzp57IfpDF
8964 copyright protection217PENANA2QPAe5u9RK 維尼
謝雪痕揮動玄鐵鍊,一蹬,止住跌勢,棄了座騎,要再拚著騰空一擊!8964 copyright protection217PENANANxaEvVQVp8 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANA0mjNAIgomy
8964 copyright protection217PENANAIJ3ydcxeKJ 維尼
林寒玉手一招,玉川劍就從空中急掠而下,將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的怪火,在低沉的轟鳴聲中一路順著劍身燒過去。8964 copyright protection217PENANAFtZR3C20ke 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAmTdyZvqdTI
8964 copyright protection217PENANApiw0FgyU9b 維尼
玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲霎那間熔化,毒血被煉化得乾乾淨淨,謝雪痕臉上的修羅面具也頃刻化灰,整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,燃燒著墜落在雪地上,不住地翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection217PENANAMIrvz9lFLJ 維尼
====================8964 copyright protection217PENANAdAgBKCfqUX 維尼
努力改善了動作戲這個短板,動♂作♂戲也隨之改善了呢(笑)8964 copyright protection217PENANAeB6o1s6jZp 維尼
221Please respect copyright.PENANAK5GsCGEjGa
3.172.37.16
ns 3.172.37.16da2