The After

Part 1

I remember exactly where I was

when I realized what happened.

The water fountain next to my boss’s office

shared that moment with me.

While a small piece of my sanity melted

the fountain never moved.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqe9EALiLqs

The melted pile of goo

was hidden away.

The same place where I stuffed memories

of that day.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDkrE9daAF

I remember exactly where I was

when I told myself it didn’t happen.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWu2hBeXfNq

2298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bC25P1adn

To make sense of what happened

I sought out other men,

and waited for it to happen again.

I chose the most vile and abusive men,

because in my broken brain if they did

that to me then it was normal.

If they hurt me the way he did,

then what happened wasn’t rare.

Then I wouldn’t have to admit something had happened.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfkbeGieeL

They hurt me in other ways

but never the way I thought they would.

By trying to rationalize this one trauma

I created so many more.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjZjLHTrZO

The hours I spent in backseats of cars

or time I spent on my knees

are pieces of me I can’t ever get back.

I know from experience how little support

a cardboard box has

and how grimey the underside of a bathroom

sink is.

I let sweaty middle-aged men climb over me

while I blankly stared at mirrored ceilings

because I told myself I deserved it.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutIeILw2ox

Moments of realization will

come to me when I least expect it

Driving, and thoughts of

“my rapist was in my house”

distract me.

Washing dishes, and my brain chirps

“he helped your grandparents move a shelf”

showering, and all I can see

are faces

An endless cycle of regret

Everyday my brain resurrects

a new ghost to haunt me

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMftlQiEXH

Your way of thinking will change.

No one talks about that.

You’ll realize it too late

and it’ll be another thing you’ve lost.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvJkFUBakk

6298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvtxHfObLa

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KLQ1wk2mJ

There’ll be a joke

someone always makes one

and it’ll take almost breaking

your teeth

to stay quiet

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDgFLeMOui

This thing that happened to you

is used as a plot twist in movies.

You’ll have this weird

understanding or knowledge

that the rest of the audience won't.

“I get why they froze.”

”The shower made sense.”

”I didn’t say anything either.”

“Zoning out is normal.”

“Ah, the random crying stage.”

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIW1Fuz9Jc

People might not understand

why you connected to someone

with ten minutes of screentime

or some side character

(but you’ll know)

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo12JNjCSC5

No one cares

I mean that genuinely

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhq4WAzureU

You may get help, justice, or pity

but that only lasts for so long.

The world moves on

with or without you.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡco56cYCAyj

Eventually you have to stop

mentioning it

or you’ll get left behind.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSqiXkoNwR

I called ten offices

there were no openings

when I was finally ready

to tell my story

there were no ears

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqk6kiKxxqT

I have to remind myself

to call him what he actually is

a rapist

Monsters are the things from fairy tales

that show us darkness can be defeated

Fantastical beings born into evil

He chose it in that moment

and there wasn’t a sword for me

I have to remind myself that he was nothing more than a man

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9G8hBT34kc

12298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1ipWJakLN

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQsa7IoNey

You can’t get raped in you’re not having sex.

So they don’t teach you about it.

Now that you know nothing

how do you tell crime from nature?

You don’t.298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJssoRy0Mh7

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO52StPKH2T

You learn about it in secret.

On darkened screens where predators lurk

and you get desensitized.

Violence=love

or so the internet says.

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmxIotwJLh

So when something violent happens you think everythings normal.

It takes years to figure out what went wrong.

You blame yourself,

for not realizing it sooner.

They blame you,

because how could you have been raped

if you’re not having sex?

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ878ghGuGoP

I vilified myself

ruined my own background

lied to myself

why would anyone believe me

if I didn’t for years

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUXHKMuedW

Seven years.

That’s how long I sang

my song of denial.

That could have been years

of therapy, moving on,

or at least acceptance.

Seven years

spent fighting myself

while the real monster

roamed free

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLl6tyoChx

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvdvrrHSI0

298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFoSdt7YV4

ns 15.158.61.37da2

The After

REGISTER

LOGIN

Interface Language:

Story Language: