(This story kind of changed into a wholesome father-son moment since the full story is almost 30 pages or 14,000 words long, that's way too long for this entry.)
Tonight I will make sure that they never come back. I know that in the past I have been unable to achieve that dream but this is my home and no one can take it away from me. I awake staring up at the sky. That's the same as always the pain, the feeling that I can’t help but to think someone or even something was missing.I know that even though the fire may be painful to touch it keeps me warm through those long nights. I boil my food on it. I thought to myself while consuming a boiled piece of meat of which was once a living running wolf. The question that I ask myself is 'I do many cruel things just for survival but what am I surviving for?' .Today with the thought heavy in my mind. I think to myself I will find a reason that survival is necessary. I think it's because I'm looking for my mother.
I always feel as if a whole is deep in my heart I think as I slowly arise, my legs and arms aching from the tiredness that had consumed me. I had slept very little as I was half awake making sure that no one had stolen my food. This world that I live in alone and even though I desperately hate it I still wish for it to stay. I like the loneliness of nothing but open ground for miles.The horizon line just barely the end of it. There was a whole world for me to explore and maybe that’s why.
It been awhile since I’ve interacted with a real human being that I had lost all concept of time it was simply just day and night in an endless loop.Yet it still felt new and I was excited and waiting for what the new day could bring and that’s why I or maybe not I’m just not sure anymore am I. “ Huh Dad” I quietly murmured to myself while looking up at the sky festered with clouds and with the slightest bit of light. “ You were taken by the fire I know where it is you are so that’s exactly why I promise not become too close to it cause otherwise I might just lose myself like you did” All I could do was smile at the memories it felt like seeing the light it always made me feel better in times that I was scared.
With that I found it necessary to keep on moving. I need to keep on going to find food in this polluted wasteland you can never find much. I took steps that were necessary to motivate myself to keep on moving. I wondered what this feeling was, was it just instinct that I had acquired from all these moments or was it a reaction to the past. My mind is filled with questions every single day. They squabble around in my head moving quickly in the same circles.That I had lost track of all of them and was unable to control them or so it seems.
Each step I took was buried deeply in mud deep between my toes in the frosty morning cold. I had learned what it took to survive alone however I do remember a few things that had once happened.Sometimes those things made me question the true meaning of life why was I even here anymore. What entity created us? What is the reason they created us? Why do I have such a burning passion?Why am I all alone? What is the concept of death? Why is it that in order for someone else to live something else has to die? The question that I have most of all is what is this water that falls from my eyes whenever I think about these questions.
I thought back to my father about the fire that took away everything I loved. His strong figure his wild brown hair. What was once blurry became clear and I could feel his warmth coming closer. My body began to shrink as I noticed that I was young me again. My father walked ahead of me. It was a warm foggy day as we traveled through the seemingly endless wasteland. No civilization in the endless blue sky. I thought that me and my Dad were the only humans left on earth. I ran after him, “ Wait for me Papa” I called out to him slipping in the mud as I fell down into a grassy puddle. I was drenched in mud and my clothes were covered in grass stains. He turned around and showed his ice white cold eyes to me ones he said we got from the wolves so then he could see like one.
“You know if you fall behind in this world no one will be there to push you back ahead you’ll stay that way for awhile” He smiled while gently picking me back up in his arms. Those strong arms that could carry almost everything it seemed. I hugged him tightly. He was my family, he taught me so many things that I could learn today. Like how to hunt, camp he even taught me how to read and count. Never once did he give up on me. He cared for me and never let me fall behind. I trusted that he would always be standing there. I was useless and hard to keep track of but he did it anyways and he was proud to be my father, I was proud to be his son.
“I’m sorry it’s just hard to walk in the mud like that all the time” I giggled. Young me was so innocent so untainted by the things in this world. Never once had I felt greed or lust. All I really wanted was all the small joys that life brought me. In the end I guess that was the kind of life that set me up for loneliness. Somehow even with such an amazing father I grew cold as the snow beneath my feet. This was all my fault nothing my father done could have ever stopped this terrible fate. I knew in the end this was how I would die.
“ I want you to know that no matter how much it seems like death is coming your way and you are stuck. With guilt strapped down and locked head heavy. Remember I’ll be there for you no matter what happens I will stay with you I will be there for you. No matter how distant from my love you may be I want you to know that I’m here” He told me on that same starry night over a fire. It had been foggy all day but the stars had finally revealed themselves. We gazed on together. He talked to me about my mother and his childhood. The stars made me think about how small this world was. There could be so much more out there than the life I knew. So whenever my Father was upset or thinking about Mom I'd make him look at the stars so then he would remember she was dancing somewhere up there happily.
“What was her name” I asked him curiously. As he talked about how he missed my Mother.
“ Marelda. If I recall correctly or Mareta I remember it was something like that, anyways. She was beautiful and her eyes were just like mine. She was always so joyous. I tell you even on foggy days like this she would look up and see the sun somewhere.” He smiled to himself, recalling Mom I wonder how she looked. I was told stories about how nice and beautiful she was but I never saw her as a person.
“ It’s a big world I’m sure that she is somewhere out there, I know you will see her again” Young me said positively always so optimistic. I miss being happy like that after so long, I wonder if I can even do it right anymore.
“Some flowers are just beyond any humans reach. Some are even said to grow on stars themselves. I believe that’s why the star are always so pretty. They blossom out but no one has ever seen them up close. You see when you get to close to some things you begin to lose yourself” He sighed putting his hand up towards the sky. I could see the stars between his outstretched fingers.
“Why is that exactly?” I asked curiously. Something that I didn’t understand and still don't completely to this day. I wondered just when I would understand what he would mean. Maybe it could help me in my own life.
“Depends really.” He shrugged gently and hazily laughed, “ You know Your Mother before she left showed me a very special place. I say that it was so beautiful you’d believe that it was beyond the stars. Flowers bloomed in the spring and it iced over like glaciers in the winter. The sky was always so clear it felt as if you could see the stars every night . I loved that place I went there whenever I felt so overwhelmed. Everything there seemed to go so slow. I never really noticed that it was creeping up on me. Before I could even say goodbye she left me.” He spoke shaking his head gently he clenched his hands seeming as of he was really grabbing the stars.
“Didn’t answer my question, but okay.” I smiled to him. Yawning I curled up into his lap and looked up at him. “Is there anything else you wanna tell me?” I tiredly squinted my eyes yawning heavily once again.
“There are thousands but I can’t tell you all in one day. For now I can tell you to be careful. It’s a big world out there and not everything is good. You can be lost or carried away. So please when you grow please-” He spoke and then paused as if he had something on his mind.
“Be someone that you can be proud of” I sniffed. I thought back to when I said that did I really have no confidence in myself. I knew that he would love me no matter what I did but I still had doubt in myself. I knew I wasn’t the strongest or the most behaved. Even still he didn’t give up on me he, really always did have a special place in my heart.
“ You already are. I honestly just don’t want to disappoint you. I mean there is nothing that you could do so then I would be ashamed of you.” he spoke while extending an arm to caress my hair.
“ I promise that I am going to find Mama and make you even prouder. When I find Mama we will be a big happy family again. Even if I ‘m not strong enough right now I will be someday” I promised him. But even though it was a promise I still broke it and I know that we will never be a happy family. Even still I am looking for both of them cause like the young me promised I would find them. Even though it's all gone, there's nothing left in this wasteland.
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