Guess and check. I search it up over and over again. What defines it? Close attraction. But what does that mean? Did I like him? Did I like her? Was it all made up in my mind? When I felt a little better in her presense, was that real or was I just thinking it because I found her so cool and serious? When I get nervous around him, is it genuine fear or is that a lie I just tell myself? And am I actually in love with him? When I wanted to speak to her a lot because she was foreign, was that a crush or was that my love for other countries and geography reflected on her? But didn't I feel the same thing for someone else? Were any of those really attraction? Did my mind make it up, leeching on some weird interaction as a sign of attraction? Or did they just look attractive from the beggining and then my brain decided that they were my crush later on for some reason?
Even though I identify as aro/ace, sometimes I question whether or not that label fits. Sometimes I think that I'm grayromantic and have had romantic attraction. It's just so hard to tell. I know that I sometimes feel signs of romance but I've certainly never felt true love for anyone. I ask people because my experience of attraction/feelings seems to fall nowhere on basically any spectrum. It's really weak, usually going away in a month. I never really want to ask them out. It's more like a different feeling thats just there, and that person's actions feel a bit more personal. I feel better if they cheer me on and more self conscious if they hate me. Its not by a lot, though. But whos to say thats real attraction, or maybe I just kept telling myself that this person is my crush and they're cheering me on so then I should be happier and then I become happier. Anyway, thats my rant...
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