I liked the idea of performing for others. I was getting used to the attention that my youtube channel was getting and I loved performing for a live audience. The problem is that Dad suggested that I dressed as a girl when I performed. It was now obvious that he wanted me to be more of a girl than a boy. He now wanted the public to see me this way. I would not only be known as a sissy, but people would think I was a drag kid.
They would be right. I would be a drag kid! I would be a boy dressed as a girl with makeup on. I did not know if I wanted this. I did not know if this was what I wanted my identity to be.
I tried telling Dad that I was unsure that we should do this. I did not need a gimmick when I performed. People said that my voice was good enough. This must have been frustrating for Dad as he told me that he was just trying to support me. He knew I liked using makeup and he knew that I was girly. This made me get mad at him and tell him I wanted to be a boy. The girly things were fine to do as fun, but they did not define me. I should never have opened my mouth. Dad told me it was about time that I admitted my true feelings of how I felt and what I wanted to be.
My mom tried to defend me by asking Dad why he did not listen to me when I said I wanted to be a boy. I could nearly see steam coming out of Dad's ears. He was getting mad. Mom was getting mad. I was afraid that they would start arguing about me. I had to think quickly. I figured everyone thought I was already girly and it could not damage my reputation anymore. Maybe Dad knew me better than I knew myself. It could be that I was a sissy and should have been born a girl. What harm could it do to dress as a girl?
Dad seemed to be happy with my decision to be a drag kid. I must have misunderstood what he really wanted. I thought it would mean wearing a bit of makeup in public. I soon learned that this was not the case. Dad came home one day with a present one day. I was starting to get anxious every time he bought home a present. It was never anything I wanted but ended up accepting anyhow. This time was no different. Dad bought me a denim overall dress. Mum's only reaction was to roll her eyes when she saw it. I did not know what to say. This seemed a bit too extreme for me.
I just remained silent. Dad told me that If I liked it, I could wear my sister's old dresses and clothes until I got my own. I was not mad at Dad. I was mad at myself. I did agree to be a drag kid!
My sister did not understand me. She told me that I should not be so submissive. I should say no to the girly gifts that Dad got me. I should stop trying to make others happy and let them decide over me. The result would be that I would be living as a girl. Everyone already thought that I was a sissy. Now they would think I wanted to be a girl.
My Dad wanted to record a new video for youtube and Instagram. He also wanted me to wear a dress and some makeup. This would be my introduction as a drag kid. I was very reluctant to do this. At the same time, I could see that Dad was determined. I did not do what my sister advised me to do and stand up for myself. I convinced myself how bad this could be. This was despite that singing the song was hard to do. I could not concentrate as I was just thinking of how I looked and now the whole public would see me this way. When the video was done, Dad was very pleased. He told me that it would show people who I was and how I wanted to be seen. I did not answer him except by saying that I wanted to be alone.
The video went viral. I was getting as many views as the most famous pop stars. I was happy that people liked my voice and talent. It did worry me if people liked my talent or the way I looked. Some of the comments were about my talent. There were always lots of comments on previous videos if I was a boy or girl. In this video, the comments were that they always thought I girl and the latest video proved this. There were also replies from some at my school that replied saying that I was a boy but was the school sissy. This hurt a lot. It did surprise me that many people did not believe that I was a sissy. They thought I was a girl. This made me wonder why they could not see me as a boy. Did they see the same as Dad? I did not know what to think any longer or what to believe. Maybe I was supposed to be born a girl.
I was so confused.
My mom told me not to read the comments. It would just confuse me or make me sad. That was easy for her to say. Did she not realize that people were talking about me? It was no better at school? I was called sissy and weird. I would be asked if I wanted to be a girl or did I think I was one. Some would be very mean and ask me did I have a boy's body or if I was hiding the fact that I had a girl's body. For every day that went by and the teasing became worse. It quickly became bullying where people would call me names, say bad things about me and push and shove me. At times I was afraid for my life. I did not tell the teachers or my parents as being a snitch seemed much worse than being the school sissy and weird one.
I knew that my mom and sister were worried about me. They knew that I loved singing, but did not know if I was naturally feminine or just wanted to please my father. To be honest, as every day went by, this was becoming harder for me to answer. I was accepting the fact that I was no normal boy. I was very girly and I did not know if I liked it or not. It was just who I was. I began to think that Dad always knew this and just was doing his best to help me. He told me that he was very proud of me. This was not because I was a kind person that never hurt anyone or because I had a talent for singing. It was because no one thought that I looked like a boy anymore. Still, I did like the fact that Dad was proud of me.
My Dad told me one day that it was time to go shopping. We went to the mall and shopped for new clothes. It was the girl's section. I just looked at Dad as he looked at something and said how pretty it was. Before I knew it, he had a whole shopping cart full of clothes. None of the clothes was for boys. They were dresses, skirts, panties, tights, blouses, and t-shirts. shorts, leggings, sandals, mary-janes, boots and frilly socks. In fact, I had never seen so much lace or frills in my life. The Cashier looked so happy that we were buying so much. She told Dad that he had a lucky daughter. When we came home, Dad threw out every boy's clothes that I had. My mom just commented that she never knew that Dad would go this far. My sister told me after that I finally let Dad destroy my identity and make me his daughter.
We did more videos for social media and I was becoming very famous. Dad started to also get money for these videos. It did not make us rich but it meant that I was getting a lot of attention. Dad even thought that some record company would sign me and I would be the next Justin Bieber. I did not know if I wanted this. Doing the videos was fun and I did like that so many people viewed them. The comments confused me but it was mostly positive attention. Some newspapers and magazines even wrote about my success. The success seemed unreal. It seemed as if it was a dream. While I was the cause of so many problems in my family and was considered weird at school, people that never met me seemed to love me.
I wanted peace in my family. I did not want my mom or Dad to fight about me. I did not want my sister to think that I was some wimp. The last few months have been hard on my mind. It seemed as if everyone thought that I was a girl and I never heard anyone thinking I was a boy. The fact was that I was sure that this was the way that God wanted me to be. He planned on me being born as a girl, but the stork was drunk and gave me a boy's body. So just before my 10th birthday, I told my family that I considered myself a girl. I stressed this by saying that I was happy when I was a girl. I hoped that they would understand this. My mom did not say a word except sigh. My dad smiled and told me that he always knew this and was so proud that I could finally admit that I was a girl. He told my family and me that we should now consider me as a daughter and a sister.
I did it. I finally took the step and told the people I love that I was not a boy. I hoped this would stop any drama and we could live in peace again.
My sister visited my bedroom later and said, “I tried helping you. You let our father change who you are and brainwash you. I still love you and always will, but you have chosen what path to take. If you were honest with yourself, this would not be a path that you would have chosen if you were not manipulated.”
My 10th birthday came and Dad planned a special party for me. He called it a baptism party. My name was always Christopher and now I would be known as Chrissy. This would be the day that I would be officially recognised as a girl. The birthday party was a princess one with Ariel from the Little Mermaid. My mom and sister had smiles on their face. I was dressed in a wine-coloured petticoat dress with tights and Mary Janes. I did have a good time and it was nice that the family were not fighting. I thought that this was the start of a new happier life. I was by now used to thinking as a girl and everyone thought I was a girl. Maybe this baptism birthday would mean no more confusion or teasing.
I was naive, wasn't I?
Dad taped my whole baptism and birthday. He narrated on it that I was born a boy and I always felt as if being a boy was wrong. He talked about how I always felt like a girl and on my 10th birthday, I decided I would be officially a girl today. Dad explained that my family accepts I am a girl and still loves me. Then he gave a small speech that parents should accept and support their children when they are transgendered. Then he posted this on social media.
So now the whole world knew I was transgender. They were told that it was my choice and that my parents supported me. The reactions were mixed. Most people thought that I was brave and lucky to have such a supporting family. These people just wanted me to be happy. Some even said they wished they had this support from their families when they were my age. There were also some comments that I was too young to make this choice. They thought it was wrong and my parents should get me some help. It was these comments that made me sad. People were so quick to judge!
I was worried about what the school would think. I had time to think about this. Dad said that we were going to the Gay Pride Parade. I now knew what Gay meant. I tried telling Dad that I was not gay. I did not fancy boys. I did not fancy girls either. I did not want to be smoochy with anyone. How was I to convince Dad that I did not want to go on a Gay Pride Parade?
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