It had only been a few minutes since we arrived in the cafe but as we sat on the hard wooden chairs, an awkward silence surrounded us. She was searching for the right way to begin and I was waiting across from her hoping that she wouldn't find the words.
When we left the house the conversation had flown easily between us. We drifted from how I planned to spend the rest of my holidays and what she had going on at work, to the family dinner that we were holding at ours in a few days. I hadn't really been focusing though and my mind wandered.
Looking around we were surrounded by concrete. The road, the sidewalk, the houses, the apartment buildings, and even the plants seemed to be tinged with grey. The setting was hardened by the sunlight casting bold shadows on the pavement and even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky, the day felt cold and saddened. After turning down a side alley, we descended a steep set of stairs which lead down to a row of shops where the cafe was. The grey continued but now there was also thick walls of green bush reaching over the rails. The branches threatened to reach over completely and swallow us into their mass.
It's a weird feeling, to be walking down those stairs feeling attacked on every side and also knowing that at any moment you could fall. It wouldn't be hard; just a stone out of place, or a loose shoelace, or maybe an accidental nudge and you would tumble head over heels till you reached the bottom.
Finally we reached the cafe and the red brick interior provided some much needed rest for my eyes. She ordered our drinks, a Hot Chocolate and a Mochachino. I also ordered a brownie, even if it wasn't the healthiest option for lunch it was still the best, and she got a blueberry muffin for herself while I went and found us a table on the second floor veranda.
Now that we were here the easy conversation stopped completely. It was obvious that there was something up because we hardly ever ate out unless it was someone's birthday. It was difficult to find a place where we could all find something we liked so I normally just made myself something easy at home.
The continued silence was almost unbearable but I wouldn't be the one to break first. I picked up my fork, broke off a little piece of brownie, examined it, dipped it in cream and popped it in my mouth for something to do. My eyes then drifted to some of the interesting images on the walls. Haunting paintings of roses on black canvas surrounded us and the price tags seemed way too high for such a depressing approach to beauty.
The waiter arrived which broke the building tension. Briefly. Once he delivered the drinks and left to continue his work we were right back where we were before. Silence. I felt like I should say something because I knew what was coming but somehow avoiding it seemed like the best strategy.
It took her another five minutes before she spoke.
"I've been thinking about what you might have been implying the other day."
Even though I had seen it coming it was still a shock. I couldn't meet her eyes. Maybe this would be about something else entirely. Maybe she didn't hear everything. Maybe I shouldn't have said what I did. Maybe then she wouldn't be about to say it now. Maybe then it still wouldn't be real.
As she continued, all I could do was look down at the table. I heard snippets about facts she had read on a website and first hand accounts that were on a Facebook page. I let it drift right over my head because I'd already read everything.
The froth on my hot chocolate lost it's pattern as I swirled my spoon through it. I put the spoon in my mouth. It was sweet but not sweet enough so I emptied a sugar packet into it. Then another.
Then she said it. And there it was. Out in the open.
It was my fault. I shouldn't have been so desperate for her to find out. I had been dropping hints for months, hoping that she would pick up on them, hoping that someone would notice that I knew what was wrong with me. Now that it was out there though, all I could think about was how to shove it back into the dark.
It took me a while to realise she had paused. I could tell that she was waiting for me to look up at her but I just couldn't. Not yet.
I suppose she would have found out eventually on her own. It had been going on for years - ever since I was 2 apparently. It wasn't normal, I knew that, but it was all I knew and how others could just 'be normal' was beyond me.
After a while she accepted the fact that I wasn't ready but continued by asking me some questions. Every now and then I felt my head move up and down or side to side in reply. At least she had the sense to only ask me yes or no questions.
"Did you know about this before?"
I nodded.
She paused again before she responded softly. "Why didn't you tell me?"
This time I ignored her and stared at the marshmallows beside my cup.
"Having an eating disorder is nothing to be ashamed about. If you want help, all you have to do is ask. Do you need help?"
Finally I looked up at my mother and saw in her eyes that this was just as hard for her to talk about as it was for me to hear. The courage built up inside of me and I spoke for the first time in almost an hour.
"Yes."
ns 15.158.61.20da2
