"What are you thinking about?" Toivo asked 32A while they were looking at the huge pile of shattered wood.
"It's over. What do I have anymore? Getting Ilona back was the only thing I've wanted all this time. And now I can't. I can't get revenge on that evil man either now because I already got it." 32A answered.
"So what now?" Toivo asked.
"Exactly. What now? What do I do now?"
"Let's go home first and think about it there."
"Why? What will I do when we come back home? I have no plans for the future. I have nothing to look forward to. I could just sit down here and freeze to death."
"Don't say that."
"No, I'm serious. If I just sat down here until I died, I wouldn't miss anything."
"But we would miss you. Now let's go."
"You'd move on. I should have stayed here to look for her. I would have found her but I gave up! I gave up because I wanted to stop my pain."
"Don't blame yourself now." Toivo said to 32A and felt worried for her.
"I wanted to stop the pain from those pulses so I left her here, but I couldn't stop an even greater pain that I've been feeling the last ten years." 32A complained.
"If you stayed here to look for her, you'd still be here looking for her."
"Would I be? As soon as we came back here, I found the directions. So how quickly would have I found a way here if I stayed?" 32A wondered.
"That was just really good luck." Toivo argued.
"But now it's too late because I gave up. I had to stop the pain that those pulses gave me because they were so painful."
"I'm sorry about that."
"You should be. It's you who gave me that pain because you won't let me get too far from you!" 32A ranted at Toivo after suddenly getting angry.
"Are you blaming me now?"
"I am! If you didn't force me with pain to always stay within range, I could have gotten Ilona out of here! I could have grown up with her as my guide instead of living with your family of drunks, mutes and morons while always staying in one place and drinking poison from a bottle! I hate all of it, and all of you!" 32A yelled at Toivo.
"Do you mean that?" Toivo asked and sounded worried.
32A just looked at her feet and regretted what she just said.
"I don't choose to cause you pain. I don't even know why we have these abilites and curses and you blame me? You never cared about our family? Why are you calling them my family?" Toivo argued back.
"Sorry. I didn't mean..."
"And I'm sure that even Ilona would have wanted you to live and grow up with people that care about you and look after you and..."
"Don't start putting words in her mouth now. You don't know what she would have wanted!" 32A replied angrily.
"You think she'd want you to give up and just lie down and die?"
"She's fucking dead! It doesn't matter what she would have wanted now! I do what I want to do now!" 32A shouted back and barely got the words out as it was destroying her from the inside to even say the words and she regretted them already as she was saying them.
"Fine then. If you don't want to be with us, then don't be. Stay here then since that's what you want." Toivo said and started walking away.
32A felt too angry and embarrassed to beg for forgiveness now so she allowed him to walk away.
"Go then. I'm sick of all of this. Let me just sleep here forever." 32A quietly said while watching Toivo walk away.
She stepped on the pile of shattered wood and kicked some of the pieces around. She then sat down on it, and lied down on the uncomfortable pile and looked at the sky. Her mind was empty. She wasn't thinking about anything. She had no dreams, no aspirations, no wishes. Only regrets.
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While laying there for several hours, 32A was cold, uncomfortable and in pain from the pulses she felt as Toivo got further away.
"He's actually leaving me here. Good. Hopefully he doesn't wait for me." She thought when she felt the first pulse.
As time passed, the pulses got stronger and more painful, but she couldn't bring herself to care. The thing that finally got her to move was the sound of an engine roaring in the distance.
"Is it those guys who I helped escape that slave trader? I hope they're fine." She thought.
The sound of the engine suddenly stopped and 32A got curious enough that she finally sat up.
"What do I lose if I go see?" She thought and stood up and then started walking towards the sound.
She walked along the dirt road that she came in through and then came to the main road. There she saw the same truck that she had seen earlier, but it was stopped at the side of the road. There were three people on the front seats and she recognized all of them. The driver saw her and got out.
"There you are again! We got this thing moving and we're just looking for a good place. Or we would be if somebody wouldn't need to relieve himself constantly." The driver said to 32A and looked somewhere.
"Good to hear. At least you still have hope." She replied.
"We didn't get a chance to introdude one another. I'm Kullervo. Who are you?" The driver said and asked.
"It doesn't matter." 32A answered.
"Sure thing then. Do you not have a place to go?" Kullervo asked.
"There's nowhere I want to be. I've decided to just be."
"You've done us a huge favor. I'd let you ride along with us." Kullevo suggested and 32A thought about the offer.
"I guess riding along is nicer than sitting here." She replied.
"Get in the cargo space then. Plenty of room there. I think you'll be a great help along the way after I saw what you did to us back there." Kullervo said and sounded full of life after 32A had revived him and given him some strength back as well.
"I guess I could." 32A said and got to the back of the truck where the doors of the cargo space were open and where the other people in there also recognized her.
"Well, hi again!" One of them said and lended a hand to help her get in.
"So are you joining us?" Another one of them asked.
"I am. For now at least." 32A answered and remained quietly seated.
"Lovely to have you then." One of the people said and everybody remained respectfully silent in the presence of 32A who was visibly feeling empty.
The silence remained until one traveller felt so sorry for 32A that he felt like he should ask something.
"Why do you look like that? You seemed better when I last saw you."
"Something happened. Doesn't matter now." 32A replied in a tone that made it clear that she didn't want to explain further.
"What did you do to us back there? I saw you bring these people back from the dead."
"I don't know how I do it or why I can do it. I just do it when I see somebody who needs it." 32A answered.
"You're a good person."
"Hmph. A good person wouldn't abandon those she loves and leave them to die." 32A said back without any emotion.
"Sounds like there's a story there. You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."
"Thank you." 32A said and went quiet again.
One last person jumped into the cargo space and sat down.
"Oh. When did you come here?" He said when he saw 32A in there and continued:
"Anyway. I returned! Let's go!"
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The truck's engine was started and the truck got moving along the unplowed roads. While inside the truck, the others couldn't help but notice how 32A twitched every minute or so.
"What is that thing that keeps happening to you?" One of them asked 32A.
"I don't know why it happens. It's been happening for as long as I've lived. I've gotten used to it." She answered.
"Do you have any way you can stop it?"
"If I did, I would have been using it for a long time now."
"I hope you find something for it."
"Me ngh too." 32A said and felt another, more powerful pulse.
A knock could be heard coming from the cockpit of the truck.
"I see a road signs saying that cities are not too far away! The closest is Lapua. We'll stop there and see what we can find!" Kullervo shouted.
"This is great news. Who knows what we may find?" One person said at the back of the cargo space.
"I'm nervous about going into cities. There might be people in there. And people aren't always friendly." Another added.
After about an hour of sitting in the cold cargo space while the truck moved, the people inside started hearing the faint sound of a trumpet playing a tune somewhere and they all listened.
"There's some lone dude up on the roof of that house playing a trumpet." Kullervo said out loud.
The people in the truck listened to the playing of the trumpet. It was a slow and beautiful tune. Kullervo saw no life on the streets, but after driving along the streets for some time, he saw a large circus tent on an empty flat space, and inside the tent was light. Some people stepped out of the tent and looked at the truck that had now stopped. The light coming from the tent was the only light in the neighborhood as the sun had already gone down and it was dark. The people who stepped out of the tent looked neither trusting nor hostile. The driver of the truck stepped out with his hands raised.
"We are not here to take anything from you! We've been driving all day just looking for a place that seems safe! I have more people with me, and we will leave you alone!" Kullervo shouted at the people who stood outside the tent and then more people came out of the tent.
"You're welcome to stay! But don't get too close to us. We're all spending the winter in this one tent, and we barely have enough room for all of us here! You stay there, and we'll stay here, at least for now! Sound good?" An old man standing by the tent shouted back.
"That works for us perfectly! How many people do you have in there? I have seven people with me!"
"We have about twenty people in here!"
"So you outnumber us! You don't have to feel threatened by us!" Kullervo shouted at the direction of the tent, as more people came out.
There were men, women and children in the crowd, all wearing winter clothing. The other two people in the cockpit stepped out and they along with Kullervo opened the doors to the cargo space and got in.
"What is this place? Who did you talk with?" One of the people in the cargo space asked the Kullervo.
"They have about twenty people staying in one tent. They don't seem like a very menacing crowd." Kullervo answered.
"So can we step outside?" One of them asked.
"You can, but return before morning." Kullervo answered and so the people who had been sitting in the cargo space this entire time stepped out and looked around.
There were still people outside the tent looking at the truck. The people who stepped out of the truck raised their hands to show that they are harmless.
32A stayed sitting inside the cargo space alone in the back, looking at the floor while the pain from the pulses was unbearable. She listened to the sound of the trumpet coming from the distance. She couldn't stay there forever and felt the need to get up eventually. She stepped out of the cargo space and looked at the tent where the light was coming from. She decided to be braver than the rest and walked towards the tent. The closer she got, the warmer she felt.
She opened the flap of the tent and stepped into the large tent. The people closest to her looked at her, and after that, more people looked at her. In the tent there was a bonfire in the center and sleeping bags around it. The roof of the tent had a hole to let the smoke out.
"Hello." 32A said quietly to the people looking at her.
"You're one of the road people, aren't you?" The oldest man in the tent asked.
"I am."
"What do you want here?"
"I'm just curious."
"Why did you just twitch?"
"Medical condition."
"Is anyone else coming?"
"Probably not."
"Do you have anything in your pockets or in that backpack?" The old man asked.
32A removed her backpack and dropped her plastic bottle and knife to the ground.
"That's all I have."
"Right. Sit down then. Let's talk." The old man ordered and 32A did as ordered.
"Where did you come from? What is your name?" The old man asked 32A who stayed quiet, as she was a little self conscious about her unusual name and story.
The question about where she came from made her think about Ilona as well as her other family. She did not want to think about any of those people anymore, so she stood up and got ready to walk back out.
"Is your entire crew just like you? If so, you don't seem like a trustworthy bunch." The old man said to 32A who was now facing the exit of the tent.
32A didn't want to get other people in trouble, so she returned to where she sat down.
"I came from the New Tower. You ever heard of it? I was raised as a test subject. They named me 32A, and I've used that name even after I escaped. After I escaped, I crossed the Gulf of Bothnia and lived in a small community in Sweden for the last ten years." She briefly explained.
"So you're from the New Tower. Our friend Saku is also from there. Maybe you two can talk. But why are you here now? You got out of this land and you came back?"
"This was supposed to be a visit. Didn't end up being one."
"And who are those people that you arrived with?"
"They were being held hostage but they escaped. I joined them today when I found them on the road." 32A answered just as Kullervo entered the tent and everybody looked at him.
"Sorry if I'm, not allowed in here. I just came to check on our friend here because I saw her come in here." Kullervo explained.
"You can come here for now. But don't bring your entire crew here. We don't have enough room. So who are you then?" The tent's old man asked Kullervo.
"Well. Since you asked." Kullervo said and sat down and then continued:
"My name is Kullervo. I escaped the city with my family in the war where the New Tower was formed. My entire family perished to the disease that came after that. I survived and stayed alone, driving from dead city to dead city for years, until I was captured and taken as a prisoner. This young lady here freed me recently, and as a thank you I let her ride along with us." Kullervo explained.
"So you know what loss feels like. Many people in this tent do." The old man said back, which reminded 32A of her loss but she didn't want to speak about it.
"Many of us indeed do." One voice in the tent said and a bitter and dirty looking man with a scar on his cheek stood up and stepped forth.
"Are you Saku?" 32A asked the man.
"I am. I was a loyal soldier in the New Tower. My unit was a tight crew of brothers that stuck together from victory to victory while fighting the rebels, but one day we found ourselves in a battle where we were outnumbered. We surrendered and put our weapons down but the rebels slaughtered my brothers anyway. They shot me too, but I survived. If I see anyone wearing a black X out here, I'll choke that filth without hesitation." Saku explained and pointed at his deformed and scarred cheek.
"None of us do. Don't worry." Kullervo assured and 32A felt nervous but also glad that her old shirt with the black X was on her wall and not on her torso.
"Do you know who was playing the trumpet out there earlier?" Kullervo asked.
"That's Ilkka. He's had that damn trumpet ever since he got here. He would play it every day to his young son, but he got sick this winter and didn't survive, so now he goes there alone to play tunes in his memory." The old man explained.
"That's terrible." 32A quietly said.
"It's a cruel world out here. My plan is to always stay on the move until I find a place where I can live a secure life. I always thought that the New Tower was stable and secure but even that didn't last. I have no idea what the rebels have done there since then. My best bet might just be to sail to Sweden or Estonia or anywhere. Since the outside world refuses to come here, I might have to go myself." Kullervo said.
"How do you live here?" 32A asked as soon as Kullervo shut his mouth.
"We find old stuff from inside the houses here and sell them to the people who come here occasionally from the other side of the gulf." The old man answered.
"People come from across the sea?" Kullervo asked and sounded shocked.
"Sometimes. They sell us big piles of food for the things that we give them. They seem to value the useless junk a lot. I don't mind it. That's how we live."
"Are they willing to take people back with them?" Kullervo asked.
"They do but only once you've traded with them for long enough."
"Damn!" Kullervo exclaimed.
"Heh. He so desperately wants to get to the other side of the gulf. I was there and I gave it up to be here." 32A thought to herself.
"Other people here have lost people that they loved, but they've moved on with their lives." She also thought.
"So you came from the New Tower? Exactly where from?" The scarred man Saku asked 32A who didn't answer immediately.
"They kept me underground in a cell. I escaped when the rebellion happened. I heard the sounds of battle while I hid, but I was never scared because I had my friend with me." She answered after a while, and remembering the experience made her sad about Ilona again, which the others could hear from her voice.
"Did you lose anyone in that rebellion?" Saku asked.
"I didn't lose anyone or anything in that. I gained my freedom."
"I see. That may not be inherently a good thing. Freedom to do what you want just makes people complacent. And complacency prevents people from becoming a part of something greater than themselves." Saku said back but 32A didn't listen to a word of what he said there.
"You people are as free as people can possibly be. Nobody is telling you what to do or preventing you from doing anything. Are you complacent?" Kullervo asked.
"Can we really be called free when we're being limited by our own human weakness? Our lack of freedom in our weakness forces us to strive, and that strive makes us all stronger. The freest of us are those who have moved on and are no longer with us in these chains that are our human bodies. They no longer have to strive." Saku argued.
"I've talked enough. Good night." 32A angrily said and stood up and left the tent after she could no longer listen to talk about death.
"Not my fault if the truth hurts!" Saku shouted at her as she was already walking away.
She went back to the cargo space of the truck where she lied down facing the ceiling and threw her backpack to the side.
"Shouldn't have gone there. That was a mistake. All they did was remind me of things and people I want to forget. I've made my decision and it's too late to turn back now."
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