x
"And so it came to pass, that in the small town of Tumoria, in the Season of Camphor, during the annual Halitosis Festival, when Lord Bursitis did outlaw all forms of skullduggery and inflamed the patchwork Egghead Consortium with his strident refusal to trim his extensive nose hairs, that there was born on a rainy April day, that most pugnacious of all pug-nosed punks, namely, he who would later be called: Vas Deferen the Great.
His mother, being exceptionally glad the ordeal was nearly over, grunted extra loud, for it felt like her unborn child was either having a boxing-match with her gall bladder or was trying to gnaw his way out of her uterus. However, after several hours of heavy breathing and intense contractual muscle-pushing, the young bobble-head was expelled from his mother's womb like a wet piglet shot from a circus cannon, and he did squeal like one too, but was dutifully caught in midair by a wet-nurse in attendance who had been smart enough to bring along a catcher's mitt.
And Vas Deferen the Great, who was blue and purple and somewhat wrinkly, was then held upside-down and given a mighty smack upon his bulbous backside with a chrome-plated spatula. And the mighty king, who at this time was neither mighty nor a king, but just a purplish munchkin with a tiny, bald head and big scary eyes, did squeal so profusely that many in the neighborhood thought someone had tossed a cat down an elevator shaft.
And it came to pass, as was once prophesied, that the head nurse then did step up, and say: "Leave this one alone. I can tell by the look in his eye...he's bad to the bone."
And those in attendance did nod their heads rapidly and did stutter: "B-b-bad...b-b-bad....b-b-bad to the bone."
So, Vas Deferen was born and was wrapped in slobbering clothes and was then presented to the peoples that were gathered outside, and they greeted him with much gnashing of teeth and wiggling of their ears. And they did slap their foreheads repeatedly, and their eyes did bulge, and their feet did sweat, and all of their orifices did pucker, for he was the spitting image of his father, who was called Duke Merrimack the Moist, and came of royal blood, but suffered much from a mackerel fetish. And even though the Duke always carried his birth certificate with him, there were those that still believed he was nothing more than a shaved orangutan with green teeth and a propensity to cheat at cards.
And so it came to be, or thereabouts, for I missed the whole fiasco due to my weekly bikini-waxing appointment."
--- The Book of Jasper 2:21
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXjqcJMQYc
