"James, will you, like, just leave me be already?"
"Clorica, I... I just wanted to talk! Look, I’m sorry. Please, just let me explain-"
"No, James. I am not in the mood right now. I can’t even believe you right now!"
"-But, Clorica, I have to speak with you. If I do not speak with you now then I fear the chance may slip by me again. I have to talk with you, face to face. We can't let things end like this."
"ENOUGH, JAMES! Just, get away from me! I don’t want to ever talk to you again!"
Crashing. Falling upwards. That is what it feels like to be stirred from a nightmare that felt so real. It felt as if she was being pulled up by a tight rope that was wrapped around her neck, being strung upward as if gravity had worked in reverse, and by the puppeteer’s manipulative hands she became the entangled victim as she struggled and struggled to be free in a futile endeavor. A cold sweat soaks the skin of her body, a dampness teeming from her sweat glands as her body produces the cool beads of wetness that skimmed along her outer surface. It was a terrible and frightening nightmare, or was it she wondered? She was not even aware if she had experienced the nightmare while she was sleeping or not. It was too convincing and realistic, too close to home for it to not be real. Regardless of whether it was genuine or not, Clorica wished she could forget those memories as soon as possible.
Her memories still haunted her to this day as if her eye lids were being forcibly held open, and she was being compelled to watch them on an endless loop. The guilt of knowing that what has been done can never be changed has transformed Clorica. It has changed her in ways that make the world feel so bitter and cold to her senses.
She realized she is lying within her bed like she last remembered herself to be and her eyes glance over to a plain and white wall. She thinks nothing more than the thought of how badly she wished she could escape from this world. She thought about how much she envied a bird that can take off and go anywhere, yet she also accepted the irony that the animal that knows the taste of freedom is always the one that is ensnared within a cage instead. The mockery of true freedom has poisoned the blade that has pierced the throbbing chest of the small animal that dreams of blue skies and sunny days, only to know walls and bars and chains that bind it in its place for crimes unbeknownst to it at all!
Guilt. Dread. Regret. Sorrow. One after another Clorica held these different venoms within the palm of her hands, and once a day she swallowed them whole in an effort to find solitude in her misery and grief. Clorica has become entwined in these prickly emotions as the thorny vines wrap themselves around her body securely, holding her as a captive in the prison of what has become a shell of her own body, now as foreign to her as her own heart. Her heart that somehow still continues to pound in her chest despite her best efforts to quell the persistent noise. Oh, how loudly her heart thumps in her torso as if it was beating itself against her rib cage in an attempt to be free or to be simply heard by Clorica’s ears that attempt to tune it out.
The burden of her sentiments has begun to weigh her down, from her deep and exhausted breaths, to her short steps that now, slowly inch her forward in life. She had stopped going to school altogether, and she has only rarely left her room for necessities that even she sometimes chooses to ignore. She stopped eating her meals altogether and only eats on occasion when her stomach does not already feel so full. Her health is beginning to take a spiral decline, and she now spends practically every day lying in bed as she stares out of her window to the normal sight of barren gray skies. Today the sky was just as ashen and gloomy as ever, but dawn had cut through the sky easily like it was a thin sheet of paper just as it had the day before and the day before that. The light, Clorica thought to herself, always creaks through the sky whether it was wanted or not.
Clorica's eyes examined her empty room more closely, it was void of anything meaningful to her now. She had removed nearly everything from her room that she had bought for personal gratification and pleasure. All that was left was her bed, a table with various letters and notes scrambled about, and the drawers that contained her clothes that she has not bothered with in a few days. The numerous meds she was taking for her condition was still on the table, pills spilled out of their containers in a clustered and dysfunctional mess. And sitting on the table in arm’s reach of her was a dull and stained knife that sat next to a picture frame that was face down so her eyes could avoid looking at its contents. She had gotten rid of everything that served as a reminder to who she is or who she perceived she used to be, or anything she could use as a distraction to how she felt. She wanted to feel whatever was coming to her in the full doses she felt she deserved.
She balled herself up and held her legs together as she sat up on her bed under her warm covers. Her eyes teared up again for what felt like the thousandth time. She had once believed that her eyes had all but dried up, for it would be impossible for her to cry any more than she already has. However, her eyes only saw sadness wherever they looked, even within these lifeless surroundings of hers. Her eyes has become sensitive to the world around her as if everything she saw were radiant, bright lights to her eyes that had become accustomed to the darkness. Clorica attempted to close her eyes shut as she cried alone in her room just as the sun arose and touched the sky and shined a shimmering light through her room.
Then suddenly Clorica heard an abrupt voice in her ear that said, "If Clorica only took the chance to look up at the sky then she may have noticed it. Even in this cloud filled sea above us, there is still light that comes through its gloomy waters." Upon hearing this voice Clorica slowly lifted her head up from her legs and looked straight forward in the direction of the strange voice in her room. Her room had been silent for so long that at first she believed herself to be losing her sanity and was only hearing things. But, as if out of thin air, right in her view was a young boy. A boy with whom she was already quite familiar with as if they lived their whole lives together. He was her closest friend ever since the first year of middle school when they first met and all the way up to their final year in High School. James Carter, her best friend that has strangely appeared right in front of her and sat casually at the bottom edge of her bed as naturally as he was accustomed to.
Breathless. Speechless. It felt as if Clorica had forgotten how to use her words. They say time slows down in moments like these but for Clorica time sped up again as if it had been frozen all this time until this very moment. With shock in her voice she cleared her rusty throat and spoke clearly to the boy from her side of the bed, "J-James? James! Is that really you?" Her face's once dull expression now lit up her upturned smile and even the tears on her face as she gaped at the boy blissfully.
The boy’s mouth twisted lightheartedly. "Well, it is me, the one and only James, so I suppose that answers your question," he said, laughing at her. "Misses Clorica Clover, it is pleasure to see you again," the boy said as he tipped the black fedora he wore that covered his head downward in a form of courtesy to her.
Clorica just gawked at the boy for a moment more before she felt her anger rise up in her and shook her head irritably as she wiped the tears from her face. "Is this really something for you to laugh at, James? No... This cannot even be real! I must be dreaming. My mind is just playing tricks on me. You cannot really be here in my room... You... I mean… How…?"
James quickly silenced Clorica by calling out her name to grasp her attention. She went quiet as James gave her a soft, gentle smile. "Hi," he mockingly but sincerely said to her. "Nice to see you again as well, Clorica."
Clorica stared at James for another second before her eyes welled up into more tears. Not even noticing how wet her eyes had gotten again with James here. She just smiled back at him and said, "Hi, you big dummy. Nice to see you again as well you, jerk." She shook her head again, trying to look angry but she could not manage to do so. After her face was clear she looked into his eyes and quietly muttered, "How could you just...leave me like that?"
"Oh, you know me, Clorica. I tend to do things I never intended to do," James said as his eyes looked away from her, rubbing his hands together tensely. "Things that always end up hurting you somehow."
Clorica shrugged as she rubbed her wrists carefully that began to throb when James said that to her. "We are both guilty of that aren't we?” she reminded him in a tender voice. “That is what we agreed upon, mutually, when we both became friends. True friendship as we defined it: Is being willing to hurt the other for the sake of being there for each other no matter what. Because we both know that people always end up hurting each other one way or another, but not everyone can stick around despite that pain. People leave. They go away and don’t come back.” Clorica then let out a deep sigh as she began to ponder her own words. “Heh, thinking about it… Aren't we just the most optimistic of people for thinking like that? But I’m so glad that you’re back James… I missed you so much." As Clorica finished speaking she slowly reached her hand out to touch James's hand as she was used to doing whenever they were close, and the opportunity presented itself to her. But in that instant James pulled his whole body away from her hand as if her hand was a venomous snake approaching him.
Clorica looked at James with confusion until she examined his facial expression thoroughly. Eyes pointed down, face turned away from her, mouth trembling to speak as he tried to figure out what to say next. She knew how to read James as well as he knew how to read the look of worry on her face when his eyes casted themselves on her surface. Her body frozen in place, her eyes glued to his own, and her mouth slightly opened and closed repeatedly as she too debated what words to say to him. Silence had fallen upon them like a blanket of snow had curled around their bodies and grasped their throats by its icy hand and stopped their voices from coming out.
They had always spoken through silence, and that was never a problem for either of them. They both were not talkative people and actually enjoyed texting and writing notes to one another other in order to communicate instead of speaking verbally. They would rather learn from the other’s bodies and listen to the words that lied on the surface of the multitude of expressions they would make. It was relaxing to them to have their own form of communication that was unique to them. No longer would their words lose their meaning and the message lost on its way to another’s ears. It was as if they entered their own world separate from everyone else; it was a world which they could call their own and be free from the contents of reality. A secret dream they called it, a secret in which only they knew about.
But now that silence that was once precious to them was just that. Silence. Not communication or their own secret fantasy. There were never any words to begin with, but now there were these new feelings that they both could feel that was different from before. But what were these feelings they asked themselves? What was going on? They both asked themselves these questions despite having an idea what the answer was. This was not unusual for them to do, as they always took the hard way out.
Clorica reached out for a pen and paper on her desk and held them out to James. "Just write it out like we usually would. It makes things easier," she said.
James stared at the piece of paper as he was tempted to grab a hold of it but stopped himself from acting on the enticing pull of the sheet of paper and forced his mouth to move and make words instead. "Clorica,” James stammered out. “I know that things have been rough for you. You have been sad since I…disappeared. And who could blame you for that? But, now I have to tell you something that will surely break your heart. It makes me feel like crap, but I have to tell it to your face with ‘real’ words because I can no longer hold a pen...or anything anymore. I’m…"
Clorica instantly cut him James off. "What do you mean?” Clorica said, raising her tone of voice loudly as she inched closer to James. “Why not? Why are you saying these things? These are our real words, James! This is who we are. We cannot change that now…especially now! James, speak to me..." Her words were demanding James to speak in the only way they both truly knew how to, nevertheless James still attempted to explain everything to her but he struggled to find his own- or the right words to use. Rather than struggle any longer James allowed Clorica to follow his eyes as an alternative, his eyes that darted down at the bed. Clorica followed them like a compass pointing south until she began to see what had held James’s attention as she realized what he was trying to say to her.
"James... Why... Why are you not touching the bed? You're... You're floating?" she exclaimed as she covered her mouth with her hands in shock as she shook her head in denial, unable to accept the ordeal that was placed before her, unprepared to accept the nightmare that once again held her within its clutches. James was indeed floating ever so lowly over the bed to a slight hover. He could not touch it. James then looked filled with sorrow and regret in his eyes as he slowly reached his hand out towards Clorica.
James softly muttered in response to her, "Because only the living and tangible have the right to be in the physical world of the living. I am now neither alive nor touchable, Clorica. I am a ghost or some spirit I guess, but the point is… I died. And now..."
Little by little Clorica attempted to have the palm of her hand and the tips of her slender fingers touch the hand that was always bigger than her own. Those big hands that dwarfed hers in comparison which she had always held and touched so naturally. They tried to touch the other’s hand but as fate or God would have it, James was telling the bitter truth. They could not touch the other anymore. Their hands went passed through one another as if Clorica or James had made a mistake and missed each other by accident, but Clorica felt the grand divide that now lied between them as if a thin veil that neither of them could see but feel, now separated the two of them.
Clorica retracted her hand instinctively with a fast jerking motion, for even though she could no longer touch James...he somehow felt so cold. Deathly cold. The warmth she once knew was gone and her memories were broken and shattered because of it. The kindness, love, and cherishing moments and feelings she once had engraved into her body like stone was long gone. The things she once cherished was no longer written in stone, but were now inscribed into sand and whisked away by the wind or by a great flood that she once was holding back, but then was now let loose and swept her treasures away. Clorica, unable to stop the torrent of emotions that filled her began to break down and cry again.
Her heart's sadness would only increase as her body desperately moved on its own and tried to hug James for comfort but she went through him again and ended up catching herself with her own arms. Clorica was not thinking straight anymore, and she tried again and again to embrace James and feel his beating heart in his chest once again and the affection and safety only he could provide! But… No longer was this the case. Again. Again. And again she tried to clench James even by the clothes he wore, but she went through him over and over as if she was trying to grab hold of the cold air that made up his body. He was no longer alive, as she already knew and thought she had accepted already. However she lost herself in her own hopeless denial.
She frantically swung her arms at him in a last restless attempt to touch him. "Why? Why did all of this have to happen?" Clorica yelled, swinging her fists repeatedly in her remorseful struggle. "I was just able to be with you… What felt like moments ago, it was you and I in this very room, holding onto the other when I needed you the most! When you needed me most I was here for you. It was not that long ago when you and I were riding our bikes through the parks together, eating ice cream together, having sleep overs, going swimming together for God’s sake! God… We did everything together and it has not been that long ago. And now you appear before me again by some miracle or trick and I cannot even touch you? What the Hell? That's not fair! That is not fair!"
James looked away from her but he knew he had to continue to keep eye contact with Clorica as it was one of the few ways they now had to understand one another. But what words should he use in this situation he wondered? After going through his thoughts he finally said the basic words that always lose their meaning and value in the crucial moments he needed them most. "I'm sorry, Clorica. I am so sorry."
Clorica could not stop the tears and neither could James, unfortunately. Their bodies made everything crueler as they felt themselves move with compassion and longing for the other, but nothing would come of it. James wished with all of his heart he could wipe away Clorica's tears but alas, they remained. How could one say absence makes the heart grow fonder James questioned? His heart did yearn for Clorica in the short time after he had died, but it was not the absence away from her that made his heart yearn as it had. He had not cared for her more because he had lost her. He cared for her more because of what they both had lost. What they had lost has now vanished under the words they both knew could never be said on paper, and only through directly communicating it to the other, but they never said them. There were things they could have done, but the very essence of their friendship barred them from doing those things. They were scared. Too afraid to do what they should have done long ago.
"Clorica," James whispered to her, searching for those sparkling eyes he is so comfortable with. Clorica gently looked to him and saw James trying to smile even though she knew it was hard for him to do so. "I want to show you something. Can you follow me outside? Like, now. Just you and I together?"
"To where...? Where should we go now?" she asked.
"To the usual spot. Our spot. Just the two of us like always. It's still early morning and we may just be able to catch the sunrise if we go now. You always enjoyed watching the sunrise have you not? Like in those cheesy romance movies," James said with a smile, hovering over the bed to the window in Clorica’s room to look outside from it. "You said this once, 'The sun is a reminder to us all. That even though yesterday may be dark and gloomy, that even though we may fall to the ground and lose our wills to stand… Tomorrow the sun will rise. The sun is our beacon of hope and our chance for redemption. There will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, one just has to keep on moving and find it. No matter how dark that path may be.'"
Clorica at first gave a half-smile across her face and shook her head before she rested it on her knees again as she looked at James. "That was just something I came up with on the spot for English class. You know I was just trying to get an A. I was just trying to sound deep or something like that."
James laughed, "Yeah, I know. But those words, they meant something to me when I heard them. Because...my time on this world with you may be short. Really short actually- and you can't ask me how much time I have left!" He said swiftly and sternly to Clorica who he knew was about to ask that question. "You absolutely can't, Clorica. I just... I don't want the time we do have together to be obstructed by it being exactly what it is. Time. And time always passes us by when we least expect it. So please don’t ask…”
“Alright…”
“You certain?”
“Yeah,” she said.
James stared at her gloomy look before he said, “Well, I can tell you this, Clorica. I seek redemption," James told her.
Clorica’s head shot up with surprise. "Redemption?" Clorica said, looking confused for a moment before she suddenly steeled herself and got herself out of bed. She thought James’s time may be short so she put on her slippers and covered herself in a robe she picked up from the floor.
Clorica then drew closer to James, but not too close as she still felt a wall between them that she hoped would go away already. She was too afraid to be close to him and try to touch him because of it, even if she knew it would if she did try to do so. Hence, to take her mind off things she asked, "Why do you need redemption, James? What have you done wrong...? You have never done anything wrong that you need to redeem yourself for. I mean you’re the boy who cried when he accidentally had the first bite of my birthday cake before I did in first grade and afterwards begged me to forgive you when I told you it was fine because I hated chocolate anyway."
James’s face looked flustered as he hoped Clorica would forget at least that detail of their lives together. “I was a sensitive boy…”
“You were a crybaby,” Clorica corrected him with a know-it-all tone of voice. But she changed her tone of voice once more and asked him again more firmly, “Why do you need redemption, James?”
James did not look at Clorica when she asked that. He felt angry at himself for not being able to keep looking at her like he wanted to. Rather, he only placed his hand on his now transparent chest, hoping to feel a beat, but as he expected he could not feel anything anymore.
James breathed heavily and his reply was, "I have certainly done many things wrong in my life, Clorica. That is why I must redeem myself. Redemption means recovery. And I must be able make right what I should not have made wrong in the first place. I have to heal the wounds I made even if they will only end up being scars. So..." James then turned to Clorica and smiled at her. "Will you help me do that? Will help you me do this... My final request of you?"
Clorica was silent for only a second as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She then opened them up again and said quickly, "Time."
"Time...?" James muttered back. "I cannot tell you..."
"I know," she responded, hastily. "That is why we must hurry up! Sunrise is officially in a couple of minutes I think and we won’t have much time if we choose to stand here staring at the other’s adorable faces. It will not be much of a sunrise this late but we will take what we can get. If this if for you, for your 'redemption.' Then so be it. Come on, let’s go!" Clorica shouted as she was already off on her own to the door in the blink of an eye.
James was slightly baffled by Clorica's sudden change but she was always like that. Head first into anything with the determination to see it through it to the end. He missed that side to her.
"Man, she is so hot," James said to himself as he followed her out the room and together they sneaked out of her house as to not alert her parents.
Once outside Clorica's eyes felt stung by the sun's rays which only alerted her to the short time they really had for their goal. It has only been a few minutes. Luckily, their usual spot would not take that long to get to from her house. It was a short walk. They just had to follow the dirt road up the hill next to her house to their usual spot. It was normally a longer walk with the two of them taking their time, but they had to make it shorter. Clorica did not hesitate to start running as fast as she could as soon as James passed through her front door.
Clorica looked over her shoulder as she ran and winked back at James. "Come on, lazy bum. You were always late to school, ya know. I had to wake you up every morning otherwise you wouldn't get up. So as payback… Catch me if you can!" she yelled at James before she took off up the hill.
James stopped on her front porch for a moment as his mind went blank. "Huh?" he mumbled before he realized Clorica was already in the forest, skipping along merrily to taunt him. "W-wait a second! Come back!" And James was off too, flying after Clorica who was laughing and enjoying herself thoroughly as she played her little game.
"Catch me, catch me!" she shouted as James chased her up the path. Together they traversed the woods where the thin light jumped off the green leaves. Where the wind demanded a show of nature and so the trees danced to please, twirling and dancing freely in the breeze. The forest always spoke in such harmony with nature and the world around it. Even in silence the world around Clorica and James spoke so loudly to their ears.
Though their time together was short, the world seemed to slow down just for them out of an act of pity or grace. Or perhaps it was they who tried to move faster than time itself. It was a race against the clock that would not stop ticking. Time would not stop telling them how they should live their lives. Time demanded that they live life to the fullest, but it never told them how long they had to enjoy their lives.
James was right behind Clorica who nearly stumbled as she tried her best to keep running away from James. James thought to himself how easy it would be for him as a spirit to catch Clorica. All he had to do was reach out and touch her... But it was then he caught on to the cruelty of this game he had always played with Clorica. He could not touch her, thus he could never catch her. So Clorica would keep running, and James would keep chasing after her. Despite Clorica being so close to him, she was also so far away at the same time. They created this set distance between them in order to protect themselves before. But now James no longer needed to protect himself and he hoped Clorica could see that too so that they could cross the gap between them and speak to one another as he had hoped they could do.
James knew how much time he had left to share with Clorica, as a result he zoomed in front of her and stopped her in her tracks. He grinned at her and wagged his finger at her playfully.
"Too slow," he teased. "You weren't exactly the best in gym class, Clorica. If I recall correctly you had the longest time for track and literally everything else that required ‘work.’”
"Humph!" she said, pouting and trying to catch her breath. "It is not my fault that I was gifted with these fine legs that are only good for short bursts and not 5-mile runs or whatever. You also took your fair amount of time too, running behind me the entire time in school!"
James feeling devilish said, "Better view of your most glorious and bumptious posterior in those sweats you always wore." James had the most attractive smirk Clorica had ever seen and he easily made Clorica’s face flush. James, enjoying himself a bit too much continued on to say, "Talk about motivation to keep the blood pumping. I mean you have the butt of a champion! Just the right shape and size too…"
Clorica gave a dramatic sigh and dramatically whipped her hair from in front of her face. "Oh, certainly,” she laughed. “I have won every Biggest Butt Championship in the world!” she said with a roll of her eyes.
James shrugged casually. "But you already knew I was watching without me having to say it right? Women have a sixth sense for that sort of thing as my experience with you has taught me. You always knew when I was staring at you and you made it easier for me to keep you in my view. You would purposefully stay right in front of me and stay close by, just for a 'creep' like myself."
Clorica's flustered face smiled and nodded. "I have to try to please my number one fan do I not? I am going to be the world's best and most bodacious Victoria's secret model. Just you wait and see! I shall be the star with you- who can be my sassy, high maintenance manager who gets mad all the time for no reason," Clorica joked.
James gladly accepted the challenge and put on his best manager impression and he strut himself over to Clorica and yelled, "Madame! Madame! Do you honestly think this looks good on you? I have seen better come out of a sports magazine for women than a fashion one. You can do better, come! We must get you ready for your big debut on the walkway. I shall make you a star-"
"In super expensive underwear I will only wear once, store them away, and then possibly only wear them when I run out of anything else to wear!" Clorica chimed in, playing along with James as she threw her hands on her hip and began to take her definition of absurdly 'sexy' poses while walking down an imaginary walkway.
"Yes!" James shouted to the air with his exaggerated movements and facial expressions. He now had a terrible French accent that was so awful but hilarious to Clorica. "Marvelous, darling. Simply marvelous! I always knew you were a star, Madame, from the first moment I met you. You have always been a shining example in my eyes. You are truly a miracle! It as if I am floating on a cloud... Joke intended. And being able to see you now... It makes my heart flutter in ways I never would have imagined before."
Then the mood took a hard shift as Clorica turned to James who observed a glint in her eyes. She said, "Ah, is that true? Am I truly something so dazzling to your eyes? Because… If I am to be honest with you for once. From the moment I met you I felt there was something special about you. You were different. No other guy was like you because unlike other guys you were there when I needed you most. You stayed. You were there for me whenever I needed you. You’re the only person I can say that has done that for me."
It was then the wind picked up again and blew past them both and made Clorica jump closer to James. When they realized they were so close to the other, Clorica mustered her bravery and stepped closer to James. He met her at near eye level, with him being taller than her even before he could float. They had effectively torn down that wall between them through laughter and joy. They always went around their problems in order to try to find a solution to them without ever having to tell the other what their intentions were. They would always say that they are sad without any words, and help the other through indirect actions. It may have been the harder route to help each other, but it was their chosen path. A path they felt couldn’t be misunderstood.
They both stared at one another. Doing nothing until James had an idea. He took a step back from Clorica and held out his hand to her. Clorica glanced at his hand then gave an awry look.
“What is this, James?” she asked, confused.
“Ahem,” James said, clearing his voice and attempted to speak romantically. “Madame! Will you dance with me?”
Clorica stared at him before a slight snicker escaped her mouth. She immediately tried not to laugh, but she failed to hold back her laughter. James’s confidence and smirk dwindled as he tried to be more serious.
“I’m being for real here!” James shouted with a frown.
“I know you are, James,” Clorica managed to say after she stopped laughing long enough to speak calmly. “It’s just a little strange that you are asking me to dance. You can barely dance at all. You fall on your butt every time. And you were too afraid to even ask me to dance at Prom or Homecoming, yet here you are as Prince Charming trying to whisk me off my feet?”
James gave her a suave smile and said, “Then my Princess Beauty, show your Prince Charming how to dance.” James held out his hand again, and Clorica could not tell at first if he was joking or not but she gave in and accepted his proposal.
“Very well,” she said, as she rested one of her hands just above his shoulder and the other gently above his hand. They could not hold or touch the other but still they attempted to dance with the other. Their dance was similar to how they moved throughout life, careful not to step on anyone’s toes, determined to learn the ways of life so they could step and move correctly, and still they swayed wildly as they soon did their own thing. But when they tried to move on their own, they found themselves pulling back to the other. Trying to match the other’s movements. Clorica found herself trying her hardest to keep up with James, to not lose him in the wake of their entangled movements. She whispered to him, “You know I hate fairy tales. Their happy endings are B.S.”
“I know…” James said, holding himself back from his desire to embrace Clorica tightly within his arms. “Clorica, I am so sorry.”
“Don’t James,” she quickly said.
“I have to say this, Clorica,” he said to her as they continued their dance. They continued to move and move even though James knew their time grew shorter. He needed to stop what would be a dance to the finish with Clorica. He had to do what he came here for even though he wished he did not have to. “I think back to how much you have struggled before in the past. How you must have really wanted a friend to listen to you and be there...how you have been hurt. It breaks my heart Clorica, even when it has already ceased to beat. I just think to myself: I wish I had met her sooner. I wish I could have done something sooner!”
“James, please…” Clorica murmured, their dance slowing in pace.
James continued on and said, “I know it doesn't quite make sense to think like that. I can't change the past. But I wish I could. I really wish I could have made that Clorica smile, really badly, like all the time I wish for that. All I can do about it now is try to make the current Clorica laugh and smile to make it up to the old Clorica.”
With her watery eyes Clorica wailed at him, “You’re trying to make me ask for too much, James! Why can’t we just keep on like we always had? Why are we making things so dramatic and complicated? I don’t like complicated! I want this to be simple…and-”
Their dance ended like that. Both pulling away from the other but their eyes were locked with one another’s as they stared at each other. Although James wanted to keep her gaze and attention for as long as he could. He had a goal in mind, one in which he had to do with Clorica. Now or never.
"Clorica," James said. "There is something I have to tell you... I..."
Clorica stopped him before he could finish. “You don't have to say it, James. I think we both know what it is we want to say to the other but as always we are being difficult," she said with a smile that felt bitter sweet for James to look at. James continued to watch her changing expression that spoke alongside her words. "You and I... We are complex and complicated. We never say exactly what we mean and because of that we hurt always hurt each other. Our lives could have been so much easier if were just honest instead, but for some reason we never were. We needed each other, but we kept hurting the other all the same. Sometimes we caused the other to go to such great depths of sorrow and anger…but despite all of that we cried in the other's arms. The tears you caused me... I solved by being with you. The pain I caused you… You came to me to heal that pain. Because no matter what we did to each other, we are the only way to fix our problems. We are the cure to our own poisons that we force each other to drink!"
Clorica's face became increasingly sadder and James knew she was going to break again. Clorica felt herself going back to her own prison as if the gates of her cell were calling her back to her prison. She did not want to go, but where else could she go she asked herself?
“I belong…in that prison… I belong there!” she screamed.
"Clorica..."
"Why didn't you ever just ask me how I felt about you? Why didn't I ever just tell you…? If we had just talked to each other instead of playing these games over and over...!” Clorica shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe we could have been something more... Maybe…"
"But we were afraid we wouldn't be us if we had," James said. "Even though we cared for the other more than we have ever cared about anyone. We didn't want to ruin that. We did not want to lose the friendship we had. You and I have been hurt before by people we care about, by people we called friends and family! There was nothing wrong with being afraid of that, Clorica. If something happened between us and we could no longer go back to what we were. We would have been devastated. So do not blame yourself for that!"
Clorica stopped as snowy silence had fallen upon them again, covering the world around them in seemingly all white. As if the whole world had been erased and was now a clean slate.
She said nothing to say to James as she just quickly continued her ascent up the hill with James chasing after her. She just had to reach their usual spot. It was a small spot on top of a hill where one could look down at a large expanse of forests below, but the sight to behold was not what was below but what was above in the sky that shined so brightly over the entire world.
But that special place of theirs was now a cold, unpleasant place for Clorica. It was not a place she wanted to go. She promised herself she wouldn't go there anymore. But just this once she would do it for James no matter how much it hurt.
"You told me you wanted to redeem yourself, James," Clorica said to him to break the silence and catch his attention. "You told me this would be your 'final request' of me. But, I do not recall you ever making a request of me at all. Always, always, always…! You tried to do everything for me without ever asking for anything in return. How can you be so selfless, but so stubborn!" she shouted. "You always keep things to yourself...even now. You are always trying to protect me. Why are you protecting me now? Why are you trying to help me? I know that you are not the one that needs redeeming here!"
"Clorica, I know what you are thinking, and this isn't that!" James responded.
Clorica kept on marching without looking back at him. "What you just said, is just another way to hurt me, and you know it! I am the one who should be asking for redemption, God dammit! Not you!"
"Clorica, please..." James begged but Clorica would not let him speak as she felt her emotions rise and fill her cage. She was beginning to drown within her prison, unable to break free because of the bars that surrounded her. Clorica was unsure if she was even going to make it to the top of the hill that was within her sights.
"No, James!" she screamed and shouted, stomping her way forward. "I am the terrible one here. I was the one who made mistakes. None of this would have had happened to you if it was not for me. Your whole life…. I…"
"Clorica, don't...please, just try to make it to the top..."
She stomped and stomped and flailed her arms around as she screamed from the top of her lungs, "If we didn't always go back and forth with the other and if you had just listened to me and stopped doing things to hurt me and- And if I just listened to you and stopped doing things to hurt you. If we had stopped and tried to talk with the other then everything would have been fine! We're both suffering from this illness, this plague that is our own Depression, so why did we do this to the each other? From the very beginning we knew we were going to be nothing but trouble and pain ourselves but we became close anyway! For God’s sake the medicine doesn’t even work and only makes things worse…and I just want to tear my hair out and scream!"
"CLORICA!" James shouted, trying to grip Clorica’s hand but passing through her which only made James angrier. But Clorica still stopped and turned to look at James, as if James actually did grab a hold of her and forced her to do so. Without even realizing it they made it to the top of the hill. They were now together in their usual spot.
Together they would sit out here and watch the stars at night until morning when they would then watch the sunrise together. It was the only time where they could speak with each other honestly and bare their hearts as open as the sky itself. It was the one place in the world where they felt free from everything else including themselves. It was here James hoped to unchain Clorica and set her free.
Clorica began to cry and so did James. They stood there together as Clorica had kept her back turned to the sky with James standing directly in front of her. His eyes looked beyond her and he could see the sun encompassing Clorica in its grand light.
Clorica continued to weep as she finally said the beginning of the final words they would say to each other. "I am the one who is sorry, James... I’m so freaking sorry! If I hadn't got so mad at you when I found out about your condition then you wouldn't have died!" she said with a sudden, and deep breath. "I...wouldn't have... I wouldn’t have killed you..."
A piercing wind blew past them both as it carried the sounds of nature from the forest all the way up to where James and Clorica now waited in silence. James said nothing as he walked by Clorica and looked down in front of him. In front of James he could see himself in a sense. He saw a tombstone with his name on it.
"I suppose it was your idea to have my body buried here, right Clori?" he said, removing the hat from his head to reveal a large, shocking scar in respect to himself before he put his hat back on to cover his scar. "We haven't called each other by our nicknames this entire time we been together. You always called me 'Jamy’ just to taunt me when I called you Clori," James recalled as he took a whiff of the air around him. "But those names were special to us weren't they Clori? Because it came from us they were all the more special."
Clorica did not turn around to face James as she softly whispered to him. "It's all my fault... You could have chosen to be with anyone for this, yet you chose me. Are you trying to teach me a lesson? Make me pay for what I regret? Do you hate me James...?"
"No," he calmly answered. "I could never hate the girl I have come to love. I love you, idiot," he confessed which drew Clorica's ear his way so she could hear him better. "You are the girl I have watched grow into a beautiful young woman. The girl who always rushes in to do any task even if she can't do it as well as another. The girl with quirks and an amazing sense of humor. She is now a young woman who has the rest of her life ahead of her. Or at least she used to be but because of me...she has stopped trying to live her life and has followed the same path as I did... And I could not bear to watch you do what I did, Clori."
"So, you did notice..." Clorica said as she held her arms tightly across her body. The sleeves of her robe flapped open in the wind to reveal the scars she had on her arms and wrists.
"Of course," James answered. “I have been watching over you ever since I died. This whole thing… It started with me, sinking into my own depression again without me telling you. I started hurting myself again. I was not happy with my life as it was. For many reasons you already know well. You were the only part of my life that was good. My family and my parents…? They couldn’t make up for all those years of neglect and torture they put me through. I just couldn't connect with them no matter how hard they tried to love me. You and your family let me stay with you so I could escape that life I had with them. But I still hurt myself over and over, and that hurt you. I lied and told you that as long as I have you then how could I be depressed? But I just didn’t want you to worry. Yeah, you definitely helped me through it. But our fancy Clinical Depression doesn't work that way…we both know that. And when you found out you got mad at me for lying to you, for making you think your closest friend was doing better along with you when in fact I wasn’t. I couldn't blame you. I lied to you, you of all people that I should have just been honest with. So, after you found out I tried to talk with you..."
"James, will you, like, just leave me be already?"
"Clorica, I... I just wanted to talk! Look, I’m sorry. Please, just let me explain-"
"No, James. I am not in the mood right now. I can’t believe you right now!"
"-But, Clorica, I have to speak with you. If I do not speak with you now then I fear the chance may slip by me again. I have to talk with you, face to face. We can't let things end like this."
"ENOUGH, JAMES! Just, get away from me! I don’t want to ever talk to you again!"
Clorica faintly nodded. "Then I pushed you down the stairs...and when you hit the bottom... You… You…" Clorica could not stop the downpour from her eyes as she clasped her hands against her face. "I’m a murderer! ...I killed my own best friend and the only person I ever truly loved. I loved you! Yet all because I couldn't listen to you…? All because I was angry at you...? But we were the ones who said it right? That's what it means to be friends. To accept the fact we are going to hurt the other. But I couldn't accept that even though I said I could! I felt so betrayed by you because I thought me being just your friend was helping you! That if we didn't go further than that…we would be fine because if something were to happen if we chose to get ‘that close’ to one another… You would be fine. I just wanted to help… Yet, I am no better myself. When you died everyone just told me it was an 'accident.' It wasn't 'my fault' what happened. No one wanted me to think that I did anything wrong because it all a stupid ‘mistake.’ That’s bullshit! I was the one who deserved to die! Not you!"
"Why, Clorica?" James shouted, looking at her. "Tell me why do you think you have to die too then? So you resort to hurting yourself and taking all those meds just to..."
"Be with you, James!" she shouted, facing him. "I am doing this to myself to be with you and tell you I’m sorry. It’s stupid I know! It’s a really dumb thing to do and I am just wasting my life and throwing it away and there is nothing romantic or beautiful about suicide and Depression! But God… Look at me, James! I’m trapped in my own Depression. I don't even know if this all real right now or if I am in Heaven already or if this is my own private Hell. But I don't care. I just needed to be with you one last time and say I’m sorry, James. I wanted you to forgive me for what I did. I wish I could take everything back but I can't. Time doesn't work that way and neither does life. We don't get second chances. I should have figured that out sooner. Because I lost my chance to tell you that… I love you so much! And I want to be with you so badly right now…and forever."
James grew quiet as he sighed and wiped the tears from his eyes and watched Clorica cry to herself. He looked back to the sun and saw that now, to his eyes, it was at its peak. He looked down at his hands that became more translucent than they were before. His time was now nearly up.
James looked at Clorica and told her to face him. She did not at first but inevitably did as she gazed upon him to see James pointing back to the sun.
"There, do you see it?” he said, speaking directly to her as the wind blew their way towards the light. “The sun. Our ray of light and hope, Clorica. We made it together to the very top. See, you can do it. Even without me to hold your hand you can still live and move forward. Life may not always give us second chances to do right where we did wrong or say the things we should have said. But, we take what we can get. This is what I wanted to redeem about my life. You. The person I wronged. So before you do anything more… I need you to know and understand, Clorica. It's okay. I'm fine. I am happy. And I want you to be happy too. Life is too short to not live it to the fullest, even if it appears long and it feels like you have all the time in the world to do what you can. Live. Live everyday knowing that I will be here beside you, within you, or however you want me to be there for you. I will never blame you or myself for what happened or hate you, ever. The only thing I want you to do for me now is live...and don't sink into the life I had. Don’t do things that you will only regret. Especially if it hurts the people you love."
"But..." Clorica wept as she spoke. "How can I do that? Just living? It's so hard, James! I need you to be here so I can live! Who am I supposed to go to? What am I supposed to do when I am alone and need someone to hold me and do fun things with me? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live? Tell me! Tell me otherwise I might as well jump off right now and end it all so I can be with you! Tell me so I can redeem myself!"
James was quickly fading away and he knew he had to say something to Clorica. Something… Anything to make things right! He needed more time, but he only had so many minutes in this world. Such a short time to do anything. He took up too much time with her by running around in circles, trying to understand parts about each other that should have already have been understood while he was living. James had tried to make up for lost time and had nearly lost sight of his true goal. He asked himself how he can help Clorica now when the sands had just reached the bottom.
Then...in those last few seconds of time they had James quietly spoke Clorica's name. Clorica stared directly into his eyes and witnessed James move in and attempt to kiss her. Clorica expected to not feel it at all as she wished she could, even closing her eyes to simulate their true first kiss. She did not experience the feeling of James's physical lips as she had once dreamt she could. Still, it felt so… Warm? The kiss they shared was warm. But why was it so warm now? Why did his kiss make her lips sense such a heat?
She opened her eyes...and he was gone. James disappeared. But that warmth still lingered on Clorica's lips. It was then she realized that warmth she felt was across her entire body. James had disappeared, but the sun was still there. Despite everything the sun would always be there in her lifetime. It was that light that had reached inside of her and vanquished the darkness. She was finally free from her cell, no longer feeling like a criminal that belonged there. And then…it began to rain. A heavy downpour emerged from the sky and rained down on Clorica. She felt the cool drops of water fall on her head and body, drenching her clothes quickly. Clorica placed her hand over her heart as a smile painted itself on her face.
"Stop crying, James,” she said with a sigh. “I get it now. I get what you wanted to say...even if you didn't say it. I get it. I’ll live. I will keep on living until I reach that light at the end of the tunnel for myself. I will keep living until I get the chance to reach you again. I may be old and gray by the time we meet, but I will hold on just for you. This time I will be the one chasing after you, tracking down that light we sought for so long. I won't stop until I reach it, and that is how I will live my life. So, I'll come back one day to visit you. It may take a while, but we will meet again. And when I do... You have to promise me one thing. That when we meet again...you will tell me exactly what it is you wanted to say to me yourself. I want to hear it from you! Okay? Promise me that, James! You have to promise that you will see me again and you’ll tell me all everything you always wanted to tell me, okay?" Clorica shouted all the way up at the sky with all the air in her lungs.
And as Clorica stood there on the top of that hill where James's body was buried, where their beacon of hope rested above the horizon, where the wind blew the leaves past the hill and into the forest below, she listened closely to the world around her. Clorica closed her eyes and opened up her heart. She listened closely and perhaps it was in her imagination but she heard his words.
"I promise, Clorica."
Clorica smiled. "I promise too, James. I promise...to fulfill our redemption."
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