“I-I can’t- I can’t do this anymore” The words stumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them, god why am I like this. I stare into her sympathetic eyes till I feel tears prick my own. I rest my head on my shaky knees, I flinch when salty tears sting the cuts covering my legs.
But then I feel her, she’s soft and warm. She scoops me into her lap and just holds me. I breathe her in, she’s sweet & earthy. For a couple of moments, we just sit in silence, her arms wrapping around me like a blanket of protection. I feel safe like I was meant to be here right now, with her. “Are you going to kill yourself?” she asks, with anyone else this would seem cold, and blunt, but she has this way of making everything feel as nonchalant as a simple “How are you”.
It’s obvious she’ll be unbothered by my answer, I mean why would she? Despite this, I just can’t think of a response.
If I’m being honest, I don’t really know why she hangs around me, It’s not like she doesn’t have other friends, plus, I’m such a hassle and as if that wasn’t enough of a friend-repellent, I’m a narcissistic, hypocritical, self-deprecating piece of shit whilst she’s the literal human embodiment of an angel.
My brain strains to find ways to answer her question, but it just becomes a jumbled mess of words that won’t form into sentences. My throat felt thick with saliva. I didn’t know what to do so I just cried, I cried till my voice was hoarse and my face was numb.
I drained myself of tears only stopping when I realised, she wasn’t there. I suddenly felt exposed, missing her presence. I frantically looked around, there were no signs she had ever been here with me. I checked my phone to see the photos I took of her. My trembling fingers made unlocking it feels impossibly hard. I finally found the photos, only to see… nothing, the photos were blank, and the chats were missing. I texted my classmates only to be met with confused responses.
Did no one else notice her? Did she even exist? Am I crazy? Did I scare her out of existence? F**k what do I do? IS THIS ALL MY FAULT? IF I WAS LESS BORING MAYBE SHE'D STILL BE HERE BUT NOW SHE’S GONE AND I CANT GET HER BACK CAUSE I DOUBT SHE EVEN EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! This IS my fault! I knew she was too good to be true. I don’t deserve anyone or anything, I was foolish to ever think I did.
ns 18.68.41.148da2
