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being used for a very particular purpose, I was using it to kill the lizard well at that moment I had nothing particular to kill it.
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I am very scared of lizards, ik few people here find it cute and eccentric to keep it as a pet but I find it is disgusting and pathetic,
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I guess the disgust was passed to me by my father but, weirdly, I find it quite interesting when it is struggling to live as I sprayed the insect killer the lizard struggled it kept moving here and there, struggling to move and escape this suffocating air after few seconds it gasped and died, I cleaned the crime scene and washing it since lizards are even more poisonous after they are dead, I threw the lizards outside and resumed with my daily activities.
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I went inside my kitchen and started to search for my supplies and realized that I'm short of veggies so I went to the local store and bought a few vegetables on the way I saw the daily commotion it reminded me of my college days, as I went to buy the vegetables after a careful selection, I was about to buy few extra things until I bumped into a woman and my basket fell creating a mess in the store
"Oh so sorry I hope you are not hur-" I saw her and this time with a man assuming him to be her husband or fiancé, I felt a pang in my chest, I just cleaned up my mess and went away from the couple after apologizing again, I paid at the reception and rushed from there not realizing I had tears flowing from my eyes
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Heartbroken, depressed, I reached my home with my groceries and I threw it on the floor and went inside the washroom crying my heart out, I switched on the shower so that no one hears me even though I live alone. I kept crying till my swollen forgetting about my routine, it was too late to even go to the kitchen and I didn't even feel like it although I knew it is too stupid to cry for such a tiny matter I couldn't help it this time.
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I lay on my bed, staring at the fan, I watched how the fan rotated it amused me in great lengths I could visualize how does it look when it rotates slowly
"Ha...ha ha ha". I laughed after realizing in what miserable state I am in, I stood up from my bed opened my supplies and started to cook my soup and tears still now dried yet my eyes were swollen, I cooked my soup adding different ingredients, I noticed I didn't throw out that dead lizard yet, "Bloody Bastard why did you even come here knowing that you will be killed anyway, doesn't your life have any value aren't you like me then?". with a pitiful look, I looked at the dead lizard for a while, then drank my soup and ate a few bread crumbs ...
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The midnight passed by like this after all I had nothing to do only... Life sure was boring but I was somehow content with it, just like every day I went outside looking at different houses and trees and felt the breezy air, the smell reminded me of days when I used to work in the city and it also reminded me of her and the time we spent together in Paris,
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Ah, Paris is sure a pretty place, the nightlife is amazing it is not bland like here, the food ah every damn thing is amazing there at times like I relate to the quote said by Gertrude Stein "America is my country, and Paris is my home town."
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if only I had not met her if only I would've... Ah it's such an old story
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"Achoo a-achoo" fuckin weather, I went inside, and sat down on my study,
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I took out a few papers, refilled my fountain pen and just sat there thinking what to write, searching through ideas in my mind, discarding one, selecting one keeping a few at hold and this internal process continued for a while,
until her face flashed again in my mind, her delicate smile, her flushed face begging me to fuck her-
this time irritated with me I shouted out of sheer frustration
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"OH MY GOSH ELEANOR STOP IT gosh enough about lily, that's a gone case, nothing could be solved she is married can you just stop thinking about her plus she is a woman and as said by mum... A woman deserves a man.." ah-
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But still, I was stubborn after all so I wrote a letter to Lilly my first love, who made me aware of my sexual orientation, the only one who made me feel loved...
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Dear lily,
How are you? hope everything is good with you and your family, how is your new job? are you adjusting well, to it seems you are better off now than before, I saw you with your love of life I must admit he is very handsome although I'm very hurt you never once informed me about him? I'm still worried about you know, although I've tried to move on I think it seems quite difficult, but it's ok since you've moved on now, I think it's high time I should try to move on now.
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Remember our first interaction? In front of La Champmeslè, I still remember that day vividly ah a windy day it was and It was raining heavily, the smell of the damp lingered on my nose, I saw you with smeared lipstick, dishevelled hair, swollen eyes although my eyes were blurry too after continuous crying and lighting was not good either yet you looked so beautiful in that miserable state of yours, never in my 35 years of existence and till now I've seen such ethereal beauty,
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You looked like a fallen angel... It was enough to make anyone go crazy for you...
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You made eye contact with me and got flustered thinking that I saw you crying, but trust me, my love, I was myself broken that day. I'm grateful that two broken souls met each other that day. I've never revealed you this but you were my first. My first secret love, my first hookup partner, my first ray of hope, and this is too embarrassing to say but till date, no one tastes like you, your taste still lingers in my tongue well that's old story who knew we also worked at the same fashion house! I was just a mere designer and you were my muse
I had never seen such beauty, you looked so beautiful when I saw you walking on that ramp. Ah, those were some good old days.
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We became friends after that seductive yet lonely night, it was fun to tho, who knew we would become so close after one encounter... You remember how we used to go to Rue Saint-Honoré every evening to buy corsets, suits, turtlenecks, and those sweet nighties, you were so experimental and flexible with clothes I guess that's where we are connected after all fashion and scandals were in our destiny.
Remember the time when we were inside the trial room together and you were wearing a crimson red nightie and your collarbone was visible and we did our first public sex, hahaha you were so scared and nobody caught us...
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I still miss our scandalous nights which to led passionate moments, who thought that a strict and cold model could be so lazy and gluttonous. You sure are a contradiction. Lily, you promised me that you'll never break my heart then why did you leave me, why did you say to me that day that you didn't care what people think about us and who gave you the right to tell me such a statement with that soft smile...
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Lily... Oh, Lily..my sweet contradiction you made a grave mistake for dating an ex-criminal, you made a big mistake for breaking my heart... I'm still angry at you for doing so but I can't hate you... After that day in the nightlife show when you ran away from me saying that it was all just a mistake you broke me, ripped me apart, although I was physically alive but I was dead from inside... You ended my career, broke my heart, spread scandalous pictures of us, framed me as a molester. You gave me a new feeling towards you that was
Ambivalence.
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Lily when we first met each other, I had just killed my mother and my whole family that day, I came from a conservative family who believed that I should be married and become a birthing machine but I didn't want that life, I worked hard every day just by thinking that one day I'll reach Paris and everything will be fine, I wanted to escape Gringy, I had great moments here, each day was a paradise and you just made it better each moment spent with you made me value life, but till date, I wonder what caused you to betray me and snatch my dream away, you knew how hard I was working to make Soirée the best fashion house in Paris, we both were so close to achieving our goals, you very well knew how much I wanted to grow, everything was going good for once I felt Special and you snatched all of it and just ridiculed me ... Were my pleading cries not enough to make you feel the same pain I felt? Were we only two ladies experimenting with each other? All the time we dated was I just another toy in your cruel play? I cried in front of you, I was miserable desperately asking you to not share those pictures, I had many questions to ask that day but I couldn't ask you. And after all those cruel 7 years one fine day, I see you with your Bloody, ugly fiancé!! Oh come on Lily why don't you leave me?
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How dare you... how- how cruel of you lily...
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This time I broke down with tears gushing out and falling on the parchment paper, ink kept flowing out, my hands kept trembling, I kept crying and on the verge of vomiting...
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I realized that I couldn't do it anymore, it was my last straw because I was now just a mere girl whose ambition got stripped off and who portrays indecent behaviour with women,
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the sudden realization that nothing could be solved and that I was in no position to do anything struck me very hard and this just made me lose my sanity... I inhaled the insect spray and sprayed it excessively in every corner till it was unbearable to breathe for me, but this stubborn body of mine restricted me to die so took my bra and strangled myself, I kept struggling to live until like that lizard I gasped for few breaths with that I kept saying to the lizard "Let's die together, we both have sinned after all let's meet at hell till that time let étouffer swallow me...
A/N
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The following morning it was a commotion in Gringny, people kept complaining about gases they said it was unbearable to breathe, a peculiar smell was coming from Miss Eleanor's house, went they went inside they saw the pale miss Eleanor's dead body and half-eaten bread, papers everywhere and ink blobs everywhere the so-called sophisticated miss Eleanor had the cheapest, dirty and painful death...
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The local sheriff was called and the local detective was called and they did the needed procedures and it took a while within all those commotions there stood Lily, with tears in her eyes knowing that the person who died was her Love and knowing that étouffer swallowed her
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