I was quiet, not blind.
I could see the bitter glares they would send me when I walked by. The way they harshly grit their teeth, when I inhaled, as if the fact that I was alive filled them with hatred.
People say that Karma is like a boomerang, what you give will always come back. In my case hatred was always a part of my life, I was the center of it. I caused it. How? I’ve never known. But I could always tell.
Since I was five I live by myself. I have no recollection of before that. Of who took care of me. Who my family was? I was left in an apartment. One that was paid for every month. By who? That is also something I don’t know. Every week there’s enough money to pay for groceries. Well, would be enough if store owners didn’t raise their prices. At first, I thought that everything was just high, and I just couldn’t afford it. But after a while, I started to listen to them when other people would check their things out. The price was at least half the price I was paying.
Later on, I had to cut down on different things to save money. I would only buy groceries every three weeks. Somewhere in between I became obsessed with cup ramen. It was cheap and resolved my hunger issues.
Then one day that all stopped…
I could have as much food as I wanted. I could fill my stomach to the brim only to lay in bed with not one or two or even three but four pillows. Every week I could go to the store and buy whatever I wanted. Why? Because of my savior. She had saved me when I thought hope was gone. For once in my life I felt happy. I knew what a home felt like. I wanted to hold and savor the feeling. I never wanted it to end.
And then that’s when I realized…
Love is not just the feeling of joy when you are around someone. It’s when you’re willing to become a villain, one that would destroy the world if it meant that they could be the hero. I would die by her hand and hers only. That was before I was betrayed by the one I had sworn my life to.
But back then I didn’t know…I didn’t know that love can never last forever. The one thing that had built me up, that had been my strength the only thing keeping me alive…was over. Only then did I learn that love is an untamable fire? No matter what I did it couldn’t be controlled. It ended up destroying me. It enslaved me. And left me lost and confused.
The funny thing about it is. Love can drive people insane. And to be insane is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I’m a moron. Not only do I fall for the same thing multiple times, each time I tumble further, into a deeper hole, that just seems to end. The one where I soon met my demise, by my only love…but not alone.
She taught me both happiness and despair. She pretended to love me. She pretended to care. Wiped my tears while silently laughing at my pain. Waited til she was the most important person in my life to walk away. Tormenting me for years by leaving over and over again. I believe in an eye for an eye. It’s only natural I would return the favor that my sweet Amore gave to me, right? It was justice. So wouldn’t it only be right to do the same? Take the things she cared about as she did me.
It didn’t matter how long it took. After months of careful planning, I was ready. Just like how she destroyed our family I had to do the same. Giving them all the money in the world, waiting. Watching as their debt slowly raised. Picked them off one by one, each one trying to protect the other, only to sell themselves. Unknowingly being the downfall of their family. Destroying themselves.
In the end when her family had all died off, only then did she beg for her life. When she realized she was alone. Her efforts were useless. Her eyes still haunt me in hell. The way life slowly drained out of her eyes. And only left glassy, emotionless eyes. Even though she had betrayed me I could get our promise out of my head. I was neither safe awake nor asleep, it followed me everywhere.
So I fulfilled it. With the same knife, I stabbed her in the chest with dried blood, I couldn’t bring myself to wash it, I penetrated my stomach. The agonizing feeling couldn’t compare to my emptiness. I fell right beside her, in my rightful place. I pushed the hair out of her face, so I could see her midnight eyes. My heart started to slow down. My vision started to blur. Because of the wound or tears that flowed down my face. Which I don’t know…
Not knowing things seemed to be the only thing I could do. But I did learn one thing from it so it is not too bad…Love can be the end or beginning, it all depends on if you are strong enough.
And in the end, I was just…too..weak…
