A Lion with Wings Production
True verbatim transcription
Pilot episode 7/18/16
Tape File Name: 39-IACC-#21
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvAiZLQ4Be
Key:
A = Announcer
BV = Bert Verdad
RL= Randy Lockhart
DG = Debbie Jinn
C#1 = Female contestant
C#2 = Male Contestant
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4Knnjv6mU
A:Live! From the game-show capital of the world, Studio City, California, welcome to the pilot of “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”, the first and only gameshow where the truth be told! Please welcome today’s celebrity contestants: grits-and-gravy acting legend, Randy Lockhart, star of the down-home sit-com we all cherished years ago, and pop singing sensation known mostly for being a Madonna copycat, Debbie Jinn.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbPPt96AB7
And now – please give a rousing welcome to the host of ““IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” not because you love him so much, but because when we cue the APPLAUSE signs, you, the audience, most of whom hail from Podunk, USA where your only culture is cottage cheese, will respond because it’s Hollywood and you’re all hypnotized rats excited to feast on plywood sets. Please give thunderous fake excitement to our host, Bert Verdad. [Thunderous fake excitement]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeI6ARbXWL
BV:Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, and welcome to the show where – audience? [audience shouting loudly and in unison, “truth be told!” Wild applause]. I’m your host, Bert Verdad, and only got this gig because my agent’s a schmuck and my brother-in-law produces this ca-ca! [audience tittering]. Anyway, thanks for joining us and our very first edition of: [audience shouting loudly and in unison, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” [Wild applause], the game show where honesty pays and where the truth is revealed! And now let’s meet our celebrity players. [Wild applause]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLonBjaqrAu
You all know and love him as the down-home, “ah-shucks” dad, Ernie Hoole, from the iconic ‘60s sitcom, “Fishin’ Hoole” that was stocked to the gills with folksy charm and Southern wisdom — ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Mr. Randy Lockhart [Standing ovation. Ohhs and ahhs of appreciation. Applause] and the singer of 90s pop anthems, “Bubble Gum Cherry“ and “Hot Bag of Fireballs,” Miss Debbie Jinn. [Thunderous applause]. Guys, welcome to the show. Let’s start with you, Debbie. Thanks for being here.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROzeW56w4z
DG:Great to be here slumming and making a couple bucks where I don’t have to embarrass myself warbling about teenage sex using sweet-tooth euphemisms at another mall opening, or to a bunch of drunk losers on the casino lounge circuit, for once. At least this caca pays scale. You are paying scale, right? [Audience gasps in surprise].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2B7IQ6Vtr
BV:Yeah. By the way, your career seems to be in a 25-year slump. Are you still hoping for that big comeback?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5kDSnKip4
DG:Oh, sure! This time with new management that won’t rip me off and leave me high, dry, and broke! I only got 5% of everything. [Audience groans in unison].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchNEQIIYbg
BV: Yeah. I know the feeling. Happens to all of us in the biz – they’re greedy bastards, indeed! By the way, Debbie, your perfume is intoxicating. What fragrance are you wearing?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtcAnwxKf8
DG:Bombay Sapphire. Jinn ain’t just my stage name, Bert! [Shocked murmuring from the audience].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRXPGIPMnL
BV:In that case, I better be careful not to “refresh” from your cup of “water” during commercial breaks. [He does the “quote/unquote” hand sign, mugging to the camera, as if drunk].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWIYOMssN0
And you, Randy Lockhart, star of the beloved black-and-white, forever in our hearts, TV classic, “Fishin’ Hoole.” You’ve been reclusive the last few decades. And you came out of retirement just to do “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” [Applause]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpHi5y9ucy
RL:Yep! [Standing ovation. Roaring applause] This is my first public appearance in thirty years! [Applause swells] Only because my PR team advised me against any and all public appearances years ago because, in real life, I’m such an insufferable asshole. [Huge collective gasp].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7q9QWPWUIa
After an incident back in ‘85 where I tore up an autograph hound’s goddamn autograph book for rudely interrupting my goddamn dinner, they warned me against even eating out. Said it was really bad for the brand. Goddamn stupid people really think I’m goddamn Ernie Hoole! [Stunned silence].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5e2u9IlT61
BV: [after a long beat, fake phoning the director. Smirking] Yeah, uh, this will be edited before airing, right? Gotcha. Cool. [Clears throat to more silence]. Uh . . . Let’s meet our contestants. She’s a bored, lonely housewife from Bellflower. Please welcome Donna Carpenter to “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” [Scattered applause]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0M1ineVgK3
C#1:Great to be here, Bert.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPstOoDK83
BV:So, they tell me you've got five kids and have been married 15 years. [Kind applause]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoTg8lYqYf
C#1:Yes, that’s true. [kind applause continues] Should have divorced the abusive fucking bully after three. [audience gasps in shock]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jDgNYT5TQ
BV:Kids or years? [audience laughter] [Repeating the fake call gag to the control booth] By the way, tell our bleeper gal, the one with the great ass, she’ll be working overtime tonight! [very faint laughter]. And our second contestant is Jimmy Madison from Enid, Oklahoma. Welcome! [Polite applause]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqo1qYZnJe
C#2:Hee-Ho! Bert!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fgIeuwpQn
BV:Hee-Ho! Back! [He chuckles] Tell us about yourself.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhQijjHSES
C#2: I came to the bright lights of Hollywood eleven years ago to become the next Brad Pitt. This is the highlight of my career, so far, so thanks for that, Bert. The folks in Enid will be glad to see I made it big in show biz, although I don’t think Brando got his big break this way. Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWA9mQVX22
BV:Brando, smando — let's play, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” Go ahead, choose a category, Jimmy. [Excited murmuring]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLebtbBEiW
C#2:Hee-Ho! I’ll wager $750 on World History, Bert. Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Mm8k5TWEV
BV: [Reading from index card] This European explorer discovered North America. [Buzzer]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRi1CkwcKIr
C#2: Who was Christopher Columbus? Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPf5YnVUOie
[Buzzer]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jMX16Ws1D
BV:Wrong, Bozo! The Italian explorer never even entered North America. On his four trips across the Atlantic, starting in 1492, Columbus only explored the Caribbean islands of the Bahamas, Hispaniola, and Cuba. [Audience boos]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bEVfxaWWI
Let this sink in, Jimmy: He also couldn't have discovered America because Native Americans were already living there. In fact, Columbus is not even the first European to explore the Americas. That honor goes to the Norse explorer Leif Erikson who sailed to the Western Hemisphere over 400 years earlier.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGUGdJNPYR
Toss up question, loser! For $200. If you miss this one, the plain-Jane, baby garden over there will have a chance to steal the board. Jimmy Madison . . . What were Columbus’ three ships named?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrBTxMjt5x
C#2:Columbus’ three ships were named the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. The fourth one, as I recall, was named the Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE94LkGh4tD
[buzzer]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNpv8aqv1f
BV:Wrong! Again! Columbus’s ships were not named any of those. Historians know that the Santa Maria's real name was La Gallega and the Niña's real name was the Santa Clara. It is not known what the Pinta's actual name was, as its records have been lost to time. So, the entire Europeans-discovered-America-and-did-God’s-wonderful-things-with-it myth is whitewash, because–audience? [in unison, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpngbdMt2r
Your turn, Donna, play or pass?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JEkChXEc7
C#1:I shall play, Bert. Give me American History for a thousand.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkubcq0xzr
BV: [Reading from index card] The first Thanksgiving between the English colonists and the indigenous people was a happy, peaceful one. True or false.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbL47wxftYn
C#1:Easy-peasie. The answer is most definitely true. They even prayed to the Lord together for their blessings.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkB9F8yD5Vt
[buzzer]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55DG5F3JmZ
BV: Nope! In 1620, the two groups supposedly came together for a three-day feast to celebrate their relationship and new lives together. But many historians say this was not the case, as they actually had a lot of hostile feelings towards each other.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJMEx3V5uY
The Pilgrims viewed Native Americans as savages, and stole their land. They also killed more than 90% of the native population with smallpox. These hostile conditions, historians believe, did not lead to a celebratory first Thanksgiving. In fact, some say the Native Americans were not even invited to the feast. [audience boos and hisses]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstvj57vv8A
You're a naive idiot, Donna! Nevertheless, You can take a toss-up question or pass it back. Think it over–if you have anything to think it over with. [Audience murmurs]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76jEC62zAJ
C#1:You know, Bert, I think I’ll let Jimmy and Randy play this one.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFCA8QXkec
RL:Ya know, if a frog had wings he wouldn’t get his ass wet on the rocks, Sweet-cheeks. [Audience groans, uncomfortably] I’ll take my chances with American Inventors for two thousand dollars, Bert.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXH7Zv8s0m
BV:Haha! There’s one of those homey tidbits of wisdom from Ernie Hoole, himself! [Audience moans] Okay, Randy. For $2000, who invented the light bulb?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUGNBApfNf
RL:Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding? I bet even Sweet-cheeks could guess this one. Tom Edison, for fuck’s sake. [Audience gasps in shock]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAPxGpXfcn
[Buzzer]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLFDYpYlwe
BV:Thomas Edison did not invent the light bulb, he developed it. There is a huge difference, so, wrongo, Ernesto.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4N4044OSex
[Reading from index card] Edison was in a very competitive race where he borrowed—some said stole—ideas from other inventors who were also working on an incandescent bulb,” explained Ernest Freeberg, author of The Age of Edison: Electric Light and the Invention of Modern America. In his book, Freeberg shows that the light bulb reflected the work of many inventors, rather than Edison’s lone genius. What made him ultimately successful was that he was not a lone inventor, a lone genius, but rather the assembler of the first research and development team at Menlo Park, N.J.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQwwODKDkE
RL:Well, kiss my ass and call me Leroy, Bert. Who knew?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmi9biWAdW
BV: Not you, Dopie, that’s for sure! And that will do it for Round One of [Audience responds, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” less enthusiastically]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1j6tw9qOu
[00:12:04 - 00:14:04, blank tape rolls]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflFfbORq0e
BV: Welcome back to “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”and Round Two action where the stakes are higher; the questions more cynical; reality more obtuse. So far, both our contestants are losers and their celebrity teammates are revealed to be incredibly dense. Now come on guys, get on the board! Donna, you can start this round. Pass or play?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdyDPvWjSf
C#1:I shall play.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkw1AM6RF0
BV:Okie-dokie. What’s your wager and chosen category?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyCw8AIDHzW
C#1:I’ll take Optical Delusions for $5,000, Bert. [Audience gasps and applauds]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUAbWVzg0u
RL: Really, Sweet-cheeks? You look like you wouldn’t know if Christ was crucified or hit in the ass with a bootjack, right, Jimmy?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxxIeUvnfM
C#2:Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjo5wfP5HVS
RL:Hey, son, what’s with all your annoying Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! shit?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjFIvF9Oyp
C#2:My agent told me it will be a stupendous career changer after he got me booked on “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”. Said Hee-Ho! would be my ‘break-out-buzzword’, like Orson Welles’ “Rosebud,” or Scooby-doo’s “ruh-roh.” He promised it will get me big acting jobs in Hollywood. Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxGSDpkTO3
By the way, Mr. Ass-hoole, ya cranky old bastard, you better start getting some answers right. I’m already $2,950 in the “Hoole,” and still have to pay 15% of that loss to my agent. Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14fcPCfI6I
RL:Son, I don’t think you’re too brilliant, either; in fact I doubt if you could pour piss out of a boot with the toe cut out. [A murmur ripples through the audience]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlobii5uiS
BV:We’ll see. Anyway, it’s not even your turn, so let’s return to the ladies. Well . . .at least to Donna as she has chosen to play, while Debbie Jinn has apparently chosen to pass . . . out. [Clears throat loudly her way a few times with no results]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hLPQQRrH3
In any case, Donna, what the heck is THIS? [He pulls out a hundred-dollar bill and shows it to the camera. Audience ooohs]. Take your time.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzWBvAsNrJ
C#1:That Bert, is a rectangular piece of green woven fiber with a picture of Ben Franklin and several ‘$100s’ printed on it. In truth, it’s only worth a few cents, but we have a collective faith that it's worth a hundred bucks. All currency is worthless. Money is a made-up concept because, Bert, “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKAUbepxUj
[Bell dings]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGGLP7KNKL
BV:That is absolutely correct, Donna Carpenter, [wild applause] but guess what–the five grand you just won ain’t real either, so we ain’t payin’! [Boos begin to rain down].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FNQWwCGBm
C#2: Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHXzbZTmqy
RL: [to C#2:] Stop! Just stop with the inferno fucking Hee-Ho!s—good god, man, you’ll never be a star that way. Ya need to stretch your performing skills, create a beloved character! Look at me–I didn’t start out as Randy Lochhart, or as Ernie Hoole, nor am I from the South. Hell no, I fought and scratched and clawed my way to the top–truth be told, my name is Ervin Gold and I’m from Newark, New Jersey. That, my boy, is called ACTING!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4gmKtoqCi
C#2: Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho! Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fvje8WaGY
[Audience members grumble and stir]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTD6qA8cIa
BV: And we’ll be right back.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZVnhec6aF
[Audience members begin to heckle during break, “but, we won’t, losers!” and begin filing out of the studio]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKs4cvxlpqs
[00:18:04 - 00:22:04, blank tape rolls]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZ9SEuejRQ
BV:Welcome back to–Audience: [the half-dozen people still in their seats mumble a vague and feeble; ‘it's all ca-ca.’]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GESKUVquX
For today’s final round, we planned to have Jimmy and Donna square-off for a brand new Winnebago Lightfoot, [small audience still oooohs and aaaahs, excitedly] to tour America in, but since flags, nationalities, borders, and customs are all man-made illusions fabricated to create a sense of collective unity–earth is just seven land masses not brokens up by dotted lines, if earth even exists at all–I guess that means Donna Carpenter wins today’s game. [Scattered hand-slaps, mostly by the production staff].
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmIr2ecJMym
Well it was nice meeting you Jimmy. Good luck bussing tables until you finally realize that “IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!” was probably going to be the epitome of your acting career so you decide to take the bus back to Enid where you will most likely spend a lot of time alone in your darkened basement bedroom replaying this show over and over, proud of your performance, yet analyzing why your acting style didn’t take. Hee-Ho!
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH39GGR9lfp
Donna, enjoy your illusion of winning. Debbie Jinn, glad the production assistants got you awake and walking! Good luck on your newly released single, Saggin’ Bag of Shriveled Raisinettes—may it be your big break-out song for your now much older fans.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevzIcOcWzB
DG: Thanks, Bert. Do we get paid now and where’s the catering truck? I’ve been eating out of mall dumpsters for a week and need a hot meal and some more juniper juice to wash it down with.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡru5mGFi0j5
BV:And a big thanks to you, Randy “Ervin Gold” Lockhart, for blowing your image on this too-honest television show, because–.... Anybody?
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7FZOYoldj
[Silence]
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2S75JodPbo
A:We’re all out of time — a construct devised by man to keep everything from happening all at once.
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtijChL3RF7
I’d like to say we’ll be back next week, but the network Bigs axed us during the first commercial break, hysterical that showing the fake facade and phony people working in television was a really bad idea to green-light: “such honesty must NEVER be exposed to the plebians! Our viewers want fun, not facts!”
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPDIxoyTsl
Air time does exist, though my friends, and it’s worth millions of dollars a minute, thanks to you suckers who keep watching this crap. So stay glued to the tube, my friends, and remember: IT’S! ALL! CA-CA!”
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qlAvWSIUw
[silence as tape fades to black]
ns 15.158.61.50da2
