Junior year. Hell year. I’m struggling to find the purpose in me coming here. Why did it have to be here, of all places, why did it have to be Iowa? Winterset, Iowa is where my mom decided we needed to go. Population; 5,400. It was a big decision to move to this place, especially since I wasn't ready. My mom decided for me, and I still haven't found a way to process it. She hasn't really talked to me about my father, and I know she doesn't want to. It makes all of this so much harder to cope with. She's just empty lately, frozen. We moved here for a fresh start, but she hasn't been helping much. She's too busy daydreaming to face the reality of the pain we're both going through.
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Dad never would have picked such an uncanny place to live. The people watched us as we entered, they milked people for details-- anything about us. I could hear their whispers a mile away. We weren’t people, we were a story to tell, entertainment. To them we were on display.
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My mother didn’t seem to notice, how could she? She was too wrapped up in the “charm” of the town to notice anything else. She didn’t care that I was hurting too, that I didn’t like it here, that I was uncomfortable with all of the stares. It constantly felt like I was being watched, no matter what I did. Every move, every sentence, every word, every noise, every breath. I never felt alone in this place. I felt like I was suffocating. I’m grappling with grief wrapped up in paranoia and anxiety. I was so terrified all the time, but of course I couldn’t tell my mom that. She’s too focused on other things to notice how anxious I was. And besides, I’ve worried her enough.
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I’ll be attending Winterset High School next week, by now all of the other kids have already gone through three weeks worth of material. I don’t even know a single person here, but they all know each other. I feel like an intruder. Mom says I’m just thinking about it too much, maybe she’s right.
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Our small, two-bedroom apartment is a far cry from the two-story, five bedroom house we lived in with my dad in Florida. After he died we couldn’t afford to keep it, so now we’re here, in the middle of absolutely nowhere. I won’t let her know my distaste for this place, I’ll be perfectly content with all of it. I’ll go to school, talk to people, and be the stellar girl I was back in Florida. It will all be fine.
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After we got settled into our new place, I put all of my boxes into my room, along with my mattress. Our furniture got lost while being shipped so all we have is what we could fit in the U-Haul, which is enough for now. I packed all of my books, which ended up fitting into two medium-sized Home Depot boxes. The rest is my clothes which took two large boxes and a suitcase. And then my bedding, which only took one large box. I was also able to fit my dresser/bookshelf. It has two doors on either side of the dresser drawers that hold three wide shelves with a vanity mirror on top. It’s just enough to fit all of my books and clothes. 195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfXdaXZG2l
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It's only been a couple of days, but I already feel like a stranger to myself. I'm a little nervous about going to school on Monday. I have no idea what the kids there think of me, I'm sure my name has coursed through that school time and time again. I hate it. I always feel like I'm the topic of a conversation, the spotlight in a room, a beaming ball of light. Not the good kind. The kind you can't stop watching and criticizing. I'm drowning here.195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKJMqGivAg
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I'm sitting at my desk, staring out my bedroom window, watching the leaves fall from the trees, changing from green to orange. The flowers floating away as dandelions, birds chirping. It's beautiful, but I'm too overwhelmed to appreciate it195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrtZQz53tA
