x
Daddy! Higher!" five-year-old Jessie squealed with delight while being pushed in the swing by her father.
"OK, OK, ready? And, here, we, go!" Louis said, pushing his daughter in the swing so high that he ducked underneath the seat and came out the other end. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes appearing as he smiled widely watching his daughter's happiness grow by the second.
It was a nice, breezy day at the park and Louis felt it was right to take his five-year-old rambunctious daughter out for some good fun. They hadn't a whole lot time to spend together as of recently. Louis' work life interfered with his personal life more than he deemed appropriate. He would love to spend every waking minute with his daughter but balancing his schedules can be incredibly trying to deal with.
Louis smiled and backed out of the way as Jessie swung her legs in a momentum that was racing higher than the swing set. It was truly rare that he had a chance to spend with her so he cherished every time work had allowed him a free afternoon or evening to do so. If only he had a job that granted him more time to spend raising her; watch as she made new discoveries in her young mind and often pick up things. She was an inquisitive child as most are at her age.
Louis' Auntie would help out when she could but he knew in a few weeks she would be busy and he would have to figure out how to work out being around his daughter with his already busy schedule. He needed a plan. Sometimes it felt like he was doing everything alone and without Jessie's mother in the picture, his life seemed a lot harder than he imagined it was five years ago.
He didn't want to think about his ex now, but in times he got to spend with Jessie, his ex just came up naturally. The reality was Jessie needed a proper mother. She needed a role model in her life, and with her growing up so fast, she could use someone to relate to. Especially when she grows to puberty, he didn't want to think about her getting older. It was already hard enough the last several years trying to raise her. He did the best he could. His Auntie helped watch her when he needed her to. His Nan lived with his Auntie not too far away but he worried that she wouldn't keep up with Jessie's energy. He relied too much on his Auntie to cover his absence and he knew that all too well.
His family did what they could and so did he but he knew he needed more help. He needed someone professional, someone who knew how to be a caretaker and nanny at the same time. He was about to get an idea when Jessie stopped swinging and stared at him.
"Daddy, um, why are you so quiet?" Jessie moved her hair sloppily out of her eyes.
"No reason lovely. Just enjoying my time with you is all." Louis tried to mask his doubts with the best smile he could muster. It was the same smile he used at work to conceal his personal problems and soldier on. "How are you my darling? Sun is about going down, are you having fun?"
Jessie nodded enthusiastically. She grinned and he couldn't help but notice she carried his smile. It was strange how much she resembled him the more she grew. He saw more of it each day. The only thing Jessie got from her mother were her temper tantrums; Jessie wasn't afraid of being a loose cannon sometimes. He was grateful his genetics still won out over his ex's, it could be a very challenging thing had she looked like someone he didn't particularly care for anymore.
Jessie wasn't aware of everything when it came to her mother but she knew that her mother wasn't in her life anymore. Louis couldn't help but remember the day he told his daughter the news that her mommy would no longer see her. Jessie wouldn't do anything. She barely ate; all she did was sleep, fuss, scream, yell and fight when Louis tried to discipline her. It wasn't any use. He had to just leave her alone and let her cry it out.
One of the worst things he ever did was take the advice of his staff editor and take her to see a counselor. She was way too young for something like that and it was wrong to leave her alone in the room with a complete stranger. Eventually Jessie opened up to Nan, she talked about all of her issues and they cried together. Louis watched the scene and couldn't help himself as he cried silently. His own daughter was in pain and he was angry. So angry at himself for not picking a proper mother for his child and angry that her biological mother turned out to be one of the worst people to ever come in his life. Jessie cried herself to sleep that night in Nan's house and Louis vowed, from that day he would do everything he could to keep Jessie away from that intense amount of pain. He knew Jessie was psychologically damaged from everything but he also knew, in spite of everything, she was a happy, good child that he wanted to be there for whenever she needed him.
Louis held out his hand but Jessie ran to his chest and slung her arms around his torso giving him the monster of all bear hugs. Jessie made him feel like he was the most important person when she hugged him like this. It could also mean Jessie wanted something in secret and was just acting like a princess in order to receive it. He was too smart for that so he was going to say it was both. Jessie is a good girl but not above being a charmer for trying to get what she wanted.
Louis laughed softly at his daughter, kissing the top of her head.
"I love you, you know that lovely? You're my angel and I'll always be here to protect you." Louis said softly, squeezing Jessie in the hug as she began to pull away.
"Yeah, I know, you always say that…"
"It's because I mean it love, it's just you and me. You know that." Louis leaned down to kiss the tip of her nose and pretended to honk it.
Jessie bit her lip, looking down; even at such a young age she has the ability to be so expressive and deep. Another inherent trait she got from her father.
"And maybe mommy? Please daddy? Can she come back to us? I miss her…"
Louis wanted to say but she was barely there you in the beginning. The only time his ex acted like a mother was the day before she was sent to court so she wouldn't seem unfit. Turns out, she was unfit and the judge sentenced her to rehabilitation until she straightened her act together.
"No, not this year sweetie. I promise its going to be a positive rest of the year and years after that to come. Remember what I told you? That I love you no matter what? That you mean the absolute world to me and I would never ever let anyone come into our lives to hurt us again? I truly mean that and I want you to know this every day. I am here for you and I will be there for whenever Auntie and Nan can't."
"But daddy, you work too much…mommy never worked too much and I miss her a lot."
Jessie hit a nerve and even though she was very young and didn't mean to, it still stung nevertheless. Having a serious conversation with a slightly underdeveloped 5-year-old was never an easy task. She was right about his working too much, wrong about everything else regarding her mother. Louis cleared his throat delicately.
"Your mum needs to get better. I told you, remember love? Once she is all better then we'll see what happens, maybe you both can see each other. I understand you're upset. I try very hard to be around for you but it becomes difficult for me. I still try because I love you and I would do anything for you."
"Bring her back." Jessie begged with her eyes, biting her lip sadly and sucked her thumb. Louis sighed, immediately pulling her thumb away from her mouth and turned her tiny chin to face him.
"She needs to bring herself back. Now you and I are doing just fine. Bringing up your mother also makes me feel very upset, I want to try and make things better for everyone this year. Can I ask you to not talk about her in front of me? I am not angry with you sweetheart but I need a clear mind sometimes so I can continue to make a better life for us. When you're older you will hopefully understand me, for now I am asking you, please, no more talks about mummy again. Please?"
Jessie was near crying and let her tears cascade down her rosy cheeks in the open fall breeze. Louis wiped any new ones before they came down. He looked at his daughter with a strong smile but underneath he was sullen and scared. Louis always put on a brave face for his pride and joy. Jessie was his everything and he would literally kill for her happiness. Piss off his daughter and you will answer to him forthwith. And his ex did her fair share of bullying her own daughter and he was damned if he would allow this to happen again. He only hoped the court had issued a restraining order along with her rehab sentence. The decision was way too generous in his opinion.
He crouched down to Jessie's tiny level and gave her a big hug, their second big expressive hug in just one day. Louis was overwhelmed by the emotions. Jessie was a loud, boisterous girl who was so sensitive underneath it all. After the hug came to a natural end, Louis and Jessie picked themselves off and he helped her dust off any remainder of sand from her clothes. She had a habit of having too much fun sometimes. Louis was trying to keep up with all her energy. Being a young father himself, he had some left of from his youth that didn't exactly go away.
Jessie tugged one of his arms down and told her father she wanted to go get some frozen yogurt. Louis almost said no but saw that look in her eyes; it's the same look he used to give people when he really wanted something growing up. He relented and they got inside the car as he drove from the park to the yogurt shop that was connected to the café where all the college students study. If Jessie was getting a sweet treat then Louis was definitely making way to get a coffee to keep up. Sugar and children are the same as children and roller coasters. He needed to be prepared for all the loudness from his daughter until it goes away 5 hours later.
They were near the shore docks and Louis suggested they sit on the benches that overlook the horizon on top of the Pacific Ocean. As he sat down with his coffee and Jessie with her dollop of frozen vanilla in her cup, he decided to bring her body closer to his for safety. Keeping his daughter closer made him feel better about everything. All the stress he dealt with, the work he's obligated to finish, deadlines and then unfortunate mishaps, he needed this small natural comfort to keep him sane. He remembered missing the moment Jessie was walking for the first time because he held a 15 hour work load that day. Thankfully Auntie taped it on her phone and Louis had the chance to see it but he would have wanted to see it better with his own eyes in person. It was sad that day when he came home so tired only to come back to see Jessie fast asleep in her crib. Having his daughter next to him right now made up for all the past turmoil he had to wrestle with.
"Daddy?"
"Hmm, yes darling?"
"Do you think we all go to heaven even if we're bad?"
Louis was thrown for a moment. Jessie is known for being herself with the questions but it never ceased passed Louis when she asked questions like these.
"I don't know. I hope so. Maybe if they apologize for all the bad things they did. Of course they will."
Jessie finished the last of her frozen yogurt, put it to the side and grabbed her father's torso once again. She was sticking to him like caramel to a green candy apple, her words she would often say to him when they were close.
"OK then…maybe you are right. Auntie says everyone can be invited to heaven."
"She did? Goodness, what other things has Auntie told you?"
"Yo Gabba Gabba is a show for babies and I am not a baby. Dora the Explorer is a role model for me. Auntie doesn't like when you cook sometimes. Hehe, oh…she also said you still love mommy deep, deep, deep, deep down. I know I'm not supposed to say her name but Auntie and me talk."
Louis kissed his daughter's head strongly and bit his tongue back. His silently held response probably would make her weep for days if he wasn't so protective of her feelings. Jessie for some ungodly reason was attached to her mother as if she made some big impact on her life. Louis' feelings about her were obvious.
Did he love Angela? No. And that is a strong no. She is a staunch manipulator that ruined his life and made their daughter suffer severe nightmares when they were battling for custody during her own personal battles as an addict. She was never fit to be a mother, she threatened abortion several times but Louis told her he would stick by her side and help her raise Jessie. He would quit school and get an entry job, working his way up until he was hired in a position that provided enough for them and the baby.
Angela was so wrong for him from the start and he knew it. He was very young when Jessie was conceived and from that day on, he knew he had to grow up fast. Putting his dreams on hold to take care of a life he made with someone that he now utterly hates. The love he felt for her was drained by her lack of empathy for responsibilities. He took more on his shoulders than she did and her severe depression meddled into everything, making the days seem worse as they came. Angela was a selfish brat that was spoiled by her rich relatives. She never worked a day in her life but Louis was sure during her "modeling gigs" she was less than faithful to him. To think he wanted to ask her to marry him, it was a miracle he made it through all of that alive and with Jessie in tow. Angela scared him from loving another person again. Who would love a single dad at his age anyway? It's not exactly appealing since most girls out there believe he only dated them because he needed a babysitter. Biggest misconception about him.
At one point he did love Angela but that was old news long since she decided to ruin her life with dangerous influences. Louis put up with so much when it came to his ex. So much that the mere mention of her name boiled his blood and made his skin shiver to the point where goose bumps sprayed over his skin.
"I don't love her anymore but…" Jessie's wondering eyes looked to his. "I am grateful that she gave me you. And I'll always thank her for that gift."
Jessie smiled a wide, toothy grin that she stole from him by birth as she snuggled against his chest. "I love you."
Louis smiled, holding back tears that wanted to slip down his cheeks. It was a happy cry thankfully, so rare in his life. He adored whenever Jessie was affectionate with him in return. She was only five, but it was sweet when she gave back her love. It made him feel like every hardship and all those times he took care of her were all truly worth it.
Out of the corner of his eye Louis saw a young woman with sandy light brown hair sitting on the corner of the docks. She couldn’t be more than early twenties carrying a notepad and pencil in her hand. She took a seat calmly and breathed in deeply. Closing her eyes, her lips were slightly parted and it seemed like she was meditating. Louis tried not to stare as he found he was losing grip on his coffee take away cup. He was scanning the woman at the end, unsure of why his attention was pulled to her. He was sure she had a big story like everyone who came to the docks did.
When she opened her eyes she blinked a few times before looking down. It seemed like she was about to cry or she already did and now she was looking for peace. Louis was looking way too much into this girl, he didn't know her at all and already he's examining her as if she's the subject of some test he was studying for. He shook his head and stared forward. She wasn't his to stare at anyway. She probably had a boyfriend or someone she was seeing. Why would he waste his time gawking at a complete stranger? He didn't even take notice of her turning her body so her feet were propped up on the other end of the bench and her back leaned against the handle. He wasn't going to stare anymore. Angela truly wrecked his trust in anyone and it was time he devoted his full attention to Jessie.
"Daddy, what are you thinking about?"
"Hmm?" Louis turned slightly pink and looked at his daughter's curious blue eyes. "I was thinking about us. How I rarely get to do this anymore. I know I should make more of an effort. I promise you, things will change. I'll ask work for two months off if I have to."
"I'm glad you're here now." Jessie giggled her girlish laugh and cuddled up next to her father.
They were having a small moment that he wished someone could capture in a painting or a drawing, something. He wanted to keep this memory with him for the rest of his life. That's what he wanted; this was all he wanted, a simple life. No more drama or outside distractions to combat with. He wanted his daughter to grow up in a normal way. It wasn't too much to ask, but realistically because life is so fickle, he had to keep fighting for it.
But that was just the thing when it came to getting his simple wishes come true. Nothing ever happens in a simple way. It's too late for him but not for Jessie. She needed him; Louis' happiness will just have to wait. Or it may never happen.591Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gYIPYMjYR
