青苹果 - 10-柑

在阴凉的角落里，谭昕薇的双膝狠狠砸向地面，沉声道了歉。

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尽管如此，她还是知道即使把话说得再怎么沉重、再怎么有重量都好，传到受害者的家属耳里时随时都可能被迎面而来的风削弱重量，成了一句轻飘飘，没有一点实际帮助的道歉。

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陆辰的母亲想把她从地上拽起，却拽不动，最后还是让丈夫帮忙才把人拽动。

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女人扶着她的手，温暖着她身上的冰冷，轻叹口气，每句话都说得温声细语的，是个很温柔的人。

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“不怪你，孩子。” 她说：“不怪你。”

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谭昕薇嘴角噙着笑意，舌根在发苦，这股苦她无处可吐，又生硬地卡在牙关里。

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“真的吗？” 她情不自禁问了。

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“真的不怪你。”

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她听了，轻笑着摇头。

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无论是什么理由，她不再认为那些是足以成为逃脱责任的理由。

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她确实做错了。

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错的是她，陆辰却要为此付出沉重的代价。

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她多希望此刻能下一场大雨，好让她能冲进雨里大哭一场，让砸得人生疼的雨滴把她砸醒。

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她居然有那么一瞬间还在期待得到谅解，得到别人的理解。

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明明是她错了，说好的不要绊住陆辰，说好的多努力一些，让陆辰看见她的努力，不要放任自己躲避在废弃的仓库里，任由细菌在血肉上滋生。

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明明说好的。

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明明可以做到。

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明明就......

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这所小医院有一定的年代了，虽然是阳光普照的白天，医院里的有些压抑又阴沉的气息依旧久久不散，手术室门口的上方也没有专属的警示灯牌，只亮着明明灭灭的灯泡。

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没等到灯泡熄灭，谭昕薇就被警察抓去审问。

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她要进去审问室时，陈云昕正好被人搀扶着走出来，与她四目相对，双眼没有一点神采，枯瘦的手攀上她的手背，五指缓缓合力扣紧。

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在外人眼中，这个动作单纯只是一个来自母亲的安抚，而在她眼里，陈云昕在想要在她身上得到安全感，为了不让自己失控。

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她累了，心中已经空荡荡地失去了滚烫，她挣开陈云昕的束缚，头也不回地走开。

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这时候，她才惊觉到原来自己可以做到这么狠心。

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是什么时候开始她就变了呢？

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变得无情又狠心，狠起来时都敢对自己下狠手，抛下唯一的亲人时情绪上竟然没有一点波澜。

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审她的警察好像问了很多问题，她没记住是什么，反正都是迟来的关心，要了也没用。

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一切都成了任何人去推翻也无法挽回的事情。

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救不回了。什么都还不回来了。

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审问室里那台破旧的暖气不知停止运作了多久，四面八方的寒气从墙上的裂缝钻进来，冷得人一张嘴说话时上下牙关就不断打颤，不过谭昕薇丝毫不在意，手边的热茶碰也不碰。

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以前，她总是离家出走，尤其是在冬天寒冷的天气，谭文君更懒散了，全日在家酗酒，酒劲上头了，他就打人泄愤，她用小了他好几倍的身躯把陈云昕护在身后，他腻了又会拖陈云昕进房里，每次都会锁上房门。

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挨了好几次揍后，她发现自己太过弱小无能，根本保护不了另一个人，她只能逃跑。

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在天寒地冻的天气里待久了，渐渐就不会怕冷了，也锻炼出一身不畏寒的体质。

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“真羡慕你啊，一点也不怕冷。” 陆辰常常这样对她说。

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她也只是笑着捏捏他的脸颊，裹紧他身上的羽绒服，安慰他说，多穿几件衣显得他的身形有些圆润，多可爱。

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她从来都没和他说过实话，她不是天性如此。

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不是天生就懂事沉稳。

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不是天生就会照顾人。

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不是天生就想当个能替人撑腰的姐姐。

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她从不承认这些别人所认同的优点。

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因为，这些从来都不是令人骄傲的事。

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送陈云昕回家的路上，她罕见的不再挨着谭昕薇坐，有好几次她有转头去看对方，每次只看见女人对着她的后脑，长至腰间的头发扎成低辫子，几绺白发穿梭在黑发里，不太明显，显得人精神了几分。

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“昕薇，” 陈云昕坐在沙发上，双手撑在身侧，手指伸入沙发里扣出一团黄色海绵，平淡地说：“我一直这样活着，我感觉到我早已没了心跳，走路的时候都觉得双脚很轻，好像随时都会飘走一样。”

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“今天的风好大啊。”

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“所以，我能走了吗？” 陈云昕淡淡笑着，脸庞没有伤口，清清白白的，眼里闪着光泽。

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很漂亮，很适合以这副模样死去。

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“我能走吗？”她笑着朝眼前人念：“能吗？”

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听完后，谭昕薇反应变得很迟钝，她想了很久，仍然想不到可以让她快乐的事物，想不到悲伤的事物。

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在反复受伤又反复自愈的过程中，慢慢变得麻木，心中塞不下任何东西，不能被填满，只有一地的荒凉。

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好像一切都变得透明，变得无所谓。

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无所谓了。

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在这一刻，好像一切都无所谓了，没有任何人或事能够绊住她。

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痛吗？没关系。

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悲伤吗？没关系。

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失去什么也没关系了，是那种失去陆辰也没关系的没关系。

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谭昕薇注视着眼前人，觉得她的笑容很陌生，就像是一个素未谋面的人无端端对她展露笑颜，无视也无妨。

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“你能走。”

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“只要你放我走。” 她说。

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抬眸的当下，她没先去看陈云昕的反应，反而是看向上方的墙角。

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那是向来不被她留意的地方。

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那层白漆早已脱离，斑驳的墙面有蜘蛛长居的痕迹，蜘蛛网和灰尘混杂成一团。

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很脏。

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那些没被遮蔽的脏就这样明晃晃地挂在上头，她却过了好久才看见。

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看见后，又发现自己拿它们没办法。

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只能和它们共存，一起活着。

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