《一百個斷尾故》 - [Story 57－全能老公]

「老公我返嚟喇...」老婆又死吓死吓咁...

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『返嚟喇？點吖你今日？』我就喺個開放式廚房邊煮飯，邊問候老婆。

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「唉...攰死我喇今日...」老婆坐喺Bar檯托住個頭，「今日又要勁出去跑數囉...」

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我就斟杯水俾老婆：『飲啖水先啦～』

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「唔該老公...」老婆飲啖水，「唉你知唔知吖...今日一朝早個癲婆Florence姐又發癲喇！」

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『係吖？點癲法吖？』我又繼續煮飯。

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「我話而家好難搵客...你知唔知佢同我講咩吖？」

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『講咩吖？』

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「佢話喎～咁梗係難搵啦！而家就係要你難搵咋嘛！你重喺度駁嘴，你以為真係有料呀？有料你企喺度插我唔係我企喺度插你啦！你啲咁嘅死蠢！你俾著我兩年前唔好老脾，我一腳伸你落下面花園道呀，再掛喺皇后像廣場嗰度嚟鞭屍呀！」

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『你又真係記得晒佢講乜㗎喎～仲要扮埋佢把聲扮得咁似～』

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「好難唔記得囉佢講嘢咁難聽！仲話我哋仲成碌撚咁棟喺度做乜呀？我冇撚㗎囉好唔好？！」

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『哈哈～咁樣同佢講吖？』

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「梗係冇啦...點敢吖？條癲婆癲㗎！癲起上嚟全世界都驚呀！」

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『哈哈～咁跟住呢？』

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「跟住？跟住咪出去搵客囉！講起搵客真係...」

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我就一路煮飯，一路聽老婆呻～

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我諗被收服嘅小精靈（結咗婚嘅男人）都有相同嘅日常㗎喇～

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咩日常？就係聽老婆呻囉～

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由佢朝早一同你分開，唔好話返到公司，假如佢係自己搭車返工吖，喺架車遇到嘅事就已經要開始同你講起啦～

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架車有幾多人吖～有幾多男幾多女吖～點解嗰個鐘數仲有學生㗎～個阿婆望住佢個位吖～點解塞車吖～原來撞車吖都有排講啦～

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返到公司就仲大鑊～個上司點點點～個同事點點點～個客又點點點～

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總之就係將你唔喺佢身邊嘅時間所發生過嘅所有事都講一次俾你聽～

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等你就算全日都唔喺佢身邊，都可以好似重溫一次～

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所以話老婆係幾咁貼心呢～

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而要將全日嘅經過復述一次，煮一餐飯嘅時間又點夠吖？

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「你知唔知吖，個客痴線㗎！」

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食飯又繼續聽～

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「都話冇得賠！佢分保單唔包！佢都係要鬧！」

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『咁麻煩吖？閪客嚟㗎喎～』當然我係有俾返啲反應啦～

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「咪係囉...真係閪到...然後又俾Florence姐話喇！」

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當然食飽都仲未講晒～到執晒嘢入廚房，老婆洗緊碗都仲繼續講緊。

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「唉我到坐車返嚟都仲俾Florence姐個癲婆喺電話鬧！」老婆一邊洗碗...

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『咁辛苦不如唔好做啦～我養你啦～』我望住老婆都未過水...

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「咁又唔好...我都係想搵啲錢幫輕下個家...」就將啲碗碗碟碟放喺個架...

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『辛苦你喇老婆～快啲去沖涼先啦～』

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「唔得～今日到我做家務～要拖地～」

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『得啦～等我拖啦～』

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「唔得吖唔得吖～我去拖～」

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我就等到老婆拖完地去沖涼，先幫佢執手尾...

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執咩手尾？首先係啲碗碗碟碟過返水先啦～

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然後就係放返好支地拖同個盤啦～

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其實我呢個老婆阿晴好大頭蝦㗎～搭車見客睇住個App都可以企錯站搭錯車～

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好多時都要我幫佢執手尾添～

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不過我又唔會兜口兜面同佢講啦～

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夫妻相處之道，有陣時唔係乜都講清講楚坦誠相對先係好嘅～

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有時喺佢背後默默支持咪仲開心～

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不過講真吖，我返工都好忙㗎...

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「喂伍仔！份嘢呢？搞掂未吖？」

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一早就俾阿頭催...

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『搞掂咗放咗喺你檯面。』

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「搞掂咗講聲吖要我問冇嚟醒目！」

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係唔係都俾上司話...

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「伍仔伍仔救命吖！搞唔掂吖！」

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又要幫同事拖...

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喺工作上我都係忙到癲嗰隻...上司又好同事又好都係麻煩友...

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其實我都好想搵人呻...之但係...

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「老公老公...個癲婆Florence姐又發癲喇！」

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老婆有咁多嘢呻，幾時輪到我吖？

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每日都係咁...返工就算幾攰幾辛苦...帶住疲憊嘅身軀返到嚟屋企都要扮到充滿精神～

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為老婆做好準備～做佢背後嘅支柱～

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然後有一晚...

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「老公你電話響吖～」

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『哦哦...』我行去拎電話...

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「咁等我洗碗啦～」

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『辛苦你喇～』我拎部電部出嚟睇一眼，係阿渣？我滑動接聽，『阿渣？』

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「喂三伍～」聽筒傳嚟阿渣把聲，「好耐冇見喇～」

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『係咯係咯...都差唔多...十年喇呵？』十年...

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「有十年喇...喂～阻唔阻你吖？」

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『唔阻嘅～』我望一望老婆喺開放式廚房洗緊碗，『做咩吖？結婚吖？』

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「痴線邊有婚結...」我冇等阿渣講落去...

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『吓？唔係仲等緊人吖？』咁長情？

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「今次打嚟唔係講呢啲...」阿渣好似唔想提起咁，「我想搵你一齊組團打比賽！」

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『打比賽？』打咩比賽？

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「係吖！我想組團打今年嘅高達比賽！」阿渣非常堅定！

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『吓？』唔係吖化？

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「我哋已經好耐冇一齊打過高達喇！」

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『係咯...好耐冇打我唔識打啦...』

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「唔識咪打到識囉！距離比賽仲有成半年！仲有時間俾我哋操！」

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『時間？』

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就喺呢個時候...

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“砰磞！”

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「呀！」老婆大嗌一聲！

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『點吖老婆？』我望過去老婆嗰邊，見佢好似想踎低，『喂唔好執啦！等我執啦！』

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「唔使啦...呀！」老婆又大嗌一聲！

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『喂你唔好...』唉實整損手！『喂阿渣唔講住...』

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「喂唔係呢...」

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『喂唔係呢我要睇睇我老婆先再講啦...』

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「喂...喂...」

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我冇理就Cut咗線！立即走過去睇睇老婆先：『點吖老婆？』

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「流血...流血...」

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『咁唔小心吖...都話等我嚟啦...幫你止咗血先...』

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我幫老婆止完血，再幫佢黐埋塊膠布...再去清理埋啲玻璃碎...

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一路執...一路諗...

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『打比賽？』我擰擰頭，倒晒啲玻璃碎落垃圾桶。

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[Story 57－全能老公]

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