I listen to the teacher, who is trying his best to explain things about graphical theory, I think. Like how you recognize what RGB, etc. is. I don’t understand it, and I don’t need it, honestly. I am not planning to continue with designing next year. I still feel my face red and hot from the unneeded awkwardness.
15–25 minutes go by, and he is finally done. I can finally stop looking weird around the class, not knowing where to look. I know that it’s weird; I don’t know. I don’t know where to look, just like with my life; I don’t know where to go, and I don’t know what to do. As I see the teacher standing up from his desk, he continues to talk about our task. It’s about designing a poster for a school event. It’s not really a school event, of course, but yeah.
As I am starting the computer, I hear my “friends” beginning to talk about nonsense. I honestly don’t get how everyone can laugh, talk, and enjoy stories that nobody actually cares about. I hear them talking about Eleanor's drama in a game where she met somebody. I want to participate, but I also do not. Do I really want to waste my energy on a conversation that’s even more worthless than me? I just continued with logging in, and I can already feel the judgment that I am not participating; apparently I am acting like Yulia.
Yulia was a friend in our group, but she left. I honestly don’t miss her. She was so irritating, and even more so about the dumb conversations. The worst part was that she reminded us every schoolday of those conversations, and it was so not funny. I am that person who can’t even fake a laugh, so I don’t laugh. I just look dead. I look to my left side, where I see them talking. Chris's back is, of course, turned to my side, which I actually really hate because it means that I do not even have a choice if I want to participate in the conversation. I know I shouldn’t feel bad because I am asking for it myself. I hear a quote or something coming up: “If you want to stop feeling lonely, then you need to do something to be with someone,” or I don't know. I don’t understand it. Like, yes, I do understand that you need to do something, but why should I do something? Why can’t they come or do something? If they can’t come to me, then why should I do something or come to them? How can I expect them then later to come to me?
As I am closely watching the time on the computer, I see that it turned 10:35, break time. Finally. I stand up and see Chris slowly turning to my side. “Andrew is in his sad boy era.” What does that even mean, sad boy? Anyway, I doubt he would even care. I turn to him and say, "What?" Yes, I said, “What”. They laugh a little, and we slowly begin to walk to our usual break place. In our school, we have two canteens, one for the first 1-2 years and the other for 3–4 years. Since I am in my fourth year, we should go to the 3–4 canteen. We never go there, luckily; it's very busy there, and the toxicness there is on point. Of course, there is almost no toxicness in the 1-2-year canteen. Probably because they are very, very young kids. We usually go to “study boxes.” I don’t know what they are called, so I call them that. It's a box in the walls where you can sit and study. We take our break there; it's always much quieter there than in the canteen.
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As we sat down, me in the back and Christ next to me, with Eleanor to the other side, another story began. I am debating with myself whether I should participate. “I saw a backstabber yesterday, and we talked.” Begins Eleanor. I look at her and try to express shock. “WHY DID YOU TALK TO HER??” For your information, the backstabber is the school stripper. She always dresses very naked and acts like she is very hot. She is not. I heard the weirdest stories about her, like that a friend of hers was in a tent with a backstabber, and then the backstabber had sex with her boyfriend while her friend was next to her. That’s just weird.
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